I went and bought a beautiful new mirror for my university room today. I also bought a lovely new diary; it’s cream and pink with flowers on the front, but not in a way that’s too little girly (I don’t think). I took another look at my enrolment email and made a note of key dates, pencilling them into the new organiser ready.
My anxiety seemed to be at bay and so, I even sat and worked out exactly how much money I’m going to have to spend each month and started googling retail jobs, hoping to find someone in Cardiff who wants to hire a Bronwen for the year, but doesn’t mind letting her go home for Christmas and Easter.
Then, another email arrived from the university’s School of Music and I started reading about auditions for operas and choirs and it all became too real and way too scary. Just like that, I felt like my anxious, fresher self was back to haunt me and the idea of finding myself, conquering life and living independently suddenly wasn’t as appealing as a positive Bronwen would have told you it was.
And now, I have to confess, the thought of going back for my second year in two weeks is terrifying. The anxiety is no-longer at bay and it’s coming at me in riptides. During my first year as a student, I struggled with anxiety like I never have before. Nothing scares me more than going back to face all the nerves of being a student again, except perhaps the thought of auditioning for operas when I get there! Or the spider that my dad just had to come into my bedroom and save me from.
So I’m not a spider fighter just yet, but I can conquer university this time, right? There is a braver Bronwen in here somewhere.
Blogging Goodbye to Butterflies 