Trying and almost failing to overcome another anxious meltdown

During the last week of the Easter break, home became just wonderful enough to ensure that leaving it again would be as difficult as ever. I’m back in Cardiff now and until recently, I was feeling very sorry for myself. For the first time this year, I’d had a anxious meltdown and it felt like my university fresher self was back to haunt me.

Anyone who knew me in first year, knew my meltdowns were just my way of escaping life when the anxiety became too much to handle. My anxiety would hit me hard and that would quickly be followed by a wave of depression which would make even getting out of bed to grab cereal feel like too much to handle. Home sickness was mostly to blame I think, although I know there are a lot of other things I haven’t dealt with, which I imagine were choosing to raise their ugly heads. I’d say I was having a meltdown. What I’d mean was that my whole world felt like it was crumbling and all I could think to do was sit and cry until the feeling passed.

I certainly haven’t got all of the answers yet. If I’m honest, I haven’t really wanted to go looking for them. And anyway, I’ve been far too happy this year to need an escape and I’ve felt like my meltdowns were behind me.

Except, I came back to university last week full of butterflies and quickly realised I needed to get a move on. The more anxious I felt, the more time I wasted, the more time I wasted the more rubbish I felt, the more rubbish I felt, the more I missed home and the more I missed home, the more I lost focus. The less I could focus, the more I panicked. It sounds so silly now, but I came to a holt. With an essay to write and a tonne of revision to plough through, a holt was not where I needed to be.

Eventually anxiety had me crumbling again and I couldn’t find a way out of it.

Until I did.

I finally handed in my last essay yesterday. And so, this week already looks so much brighter.

Sometimes we need to panic and we need to mope and maybe I still need the occasional meltdown, but that’s okay right? So long as we can put ourselves back together, pick ourselves up and get moving again as soon we’re ready. My anxiety hasn’t won yet. I’m back on the move again.