Blogging Goodbye to Butterflies

Chapter Three

Leaving home – for real this time.

In Chapter Three, Dave and I moved into our first home together and I left my family home behind for good.

This is probably my most vulnerable and honest set of posts. My anxiety became nearly too much to handle at times, but I experienced some real highs too. For a time here, navigating life in my twenties felt like a being on a roller coaster ride and as always, writing helped get me back to solid ground…

  • Butterflies find a new home

    Move-in day wasn’t far from perfect. This was our first time moving into a new home together and yet, everything ran surprisingly smoothly. I was so ridiculously happy when we eventually found ourselves sat on blow up chairs, in our new home’s lounge, surrounded by our belongings, eating Chinese takeaway and drinking Prosecco.

    I’m still happy. I look around me now and I still don’t completely believe everything here is ours. Ours for the near future anyway. I can’t even believe there is an ours. To think that Dave and I now have an ours makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside in ways my romantic pessimist of a younger-self would have cringed at.

    Everything’s almost in it’s place now. The bedroom is sorted and I’m so happy with it. The kitchen is nearly there. There’s some bits and bobs here and there that need a place, but all in all, our new home is looking good.

    I should be so content. I should be bounding forward into my new life in our new home. I’m at the start of a whole new chapter and honestly?

    Today hasn’t been a good day and my anxiety is flaring up in ways I hadn’t at all anticipated. Half way through I wanted to pack a bag, get in my car and go home. Chapter three begins at the start of a year in which I pledged to be more daring. To say yes more. To stick a middle finger up at my anxiety… In Chapter Two I vowed not to grumble. To stay positive. This chapter’s for being brave enough to say exactly how I’m feeling.

    So truthfully, today I crumbled. Yesterday I was hit by one of them 24 hour bugs and my body crashed. Then today, my mental health went down the drain. It is going to be hard to describe how I felt when the butterflies caught up with me and anxiety took the reigns, but I am now coming out the other side and I would like to try.

    I’m no stranger to an anxious meltdown. I recognized it. I reached out to people close to me. My support network came out in full force. My brother called. My best friend called. Dave’s been great. People seemed to understand, even better than I could, that moving home had triggered feelings in me that I hadn’t felt since leaving for university. I felt so lucky to have them all around me, rallying to help me feel okay again.

    That’s what frustrates me most I think. Anxiety is frustrating in many ways, but it is most frustrating when it holds you back at times in your life when you know in your heart that you’ve really so much to be grateful for. I’ve some amazing people in my life. I’m young. I’m free. I just moved into a new home. I have high hopes for the future and I have everything I need to get to where I want to be.

    Just a few hours ago I was seeing everything differently. I doubted everything. Nothing was right anymore. I reached out for help, but then I felt like a burden. Then I just wanted to disappear. I knew I was being irrational. If anything stops me pressing publish on this post, it’s the fear that someone worse off will read it and they’ll wonder why I’m even grumbling. I beat myself up over that while I tried to pull myself together earlier and it did me no favours.

    Right now I’m on the upward slope again. I feel nervous about the next week in our new home and I’m scared I’ll crumble all over again. I’m also excited though. Plenty of opportunities ahead for sticking that middle finger up yet again. How can you be daring unless you’re scared in the first place, right?

    I promise Chapter three won’t be all doom and gloom, but I also promise to be brave and to be honest. Or to try to be.

  • An honestly good week

    I set the bar high with the honesty thing and I’ve been fretting ever since. Every post that popped up on my Facebook timeline this week, had me second guessing myself. An article titled ‘What anxiety actually is, because it’s more than just worrying’, had me closer to pressing delete on last week’s post than ever.

    There are people who suffer much worse than I do. Maybe I’m being dramatic. I’m such an attention seeker. What if I am just stressed? What do I know? What was I thinking posting that? 

    The post is still there and it’s there to stay. I’m taking a deep breath, flopping with a cuppa on one of our blow up chairs and I’m writing another one. If I’m being honest, it’s actually been a really good week. HOORAY.

    Last week I’d let my perfectionism make me obsessive about cleaning. So, for the majority of this Monday, I banned myself from housework, I sat with my lazy clothes on, watching films and successfully chilling out.

    Tuesday my dad came over. He was a star. He got straight to work on setting things up for us before I’d even put the kettle on. He did lots of technical stuff and all I know is now all the light bulbs in the flat work, I can have a shower without the water going cold and we have TV and internet. My dad and I had a great day and playing the host made me feel more at home than ever.

    Wednesday I made my first trip into town. I got horribly lost trying to find the car parks, but managed to stay fairly calm despite the confusing one way system. Once in town, I was in my element. I bought a few bits and bobs we still needed, grabbed a Costa coffee and then headed back home feeling accomplished.

    Thursday, one of my bestest friends came to see me. I spent the morning sorting and cleaning, had a proper breakfast and lunch for the first time all week and then embarked on a stressful journey to go collect her from the nearest tube station, in a place where it appears London drivers like to whizz round beeping their horns willy nilly. Once she was here, having her here made me so ridiculously happy. We made more travelling plans, booked our Eurostar ticket and booked into our first hostel, watched gossip girl, caught up on life and then I cooked an AMAZING lasagna. The second drive back to the tube station was much less scary. It’s amazing what a little familiarity can do.

    Nearly there, I promise…

    Friday I enjoyed my first ever proper relaxed lay-in in my new bed and I knew I was making progress, starting to feel properly settled. My auntie came over for the day. We caught up over a cuppa, a maintenance guy dropped by to take a look at one of the windows, we headed into town for lunch and all in all, had a wonderful day.

    This weekend has been Dave and I’s first proper weekend in the flat together. It’s been fab. We ordered takeaway on Friday night. Last night we cooked steak and made sweet potato wedges and shared a bottle of red wine. We did a food shop. We made a want/need list of things we still want/need for the flat.

    All in all, it’s honestly good news. I am bounding forward into my new life and I don’t currently want to run back in the other direction.

    The also honest truth is that good week, or not, I battled with anxiety every day. But that’s okay… A big part of living with anxiety is accepting that it will be there with you every day for the rest of your life. That there will be times when it affects you more, or less, but it will always be present. I used to spend every day trying to overcome my anxiety all together and it always left me feeling disappointed and weak. What gives me hope right now, is that I’m here at the end of another week, smiling hugely, living on despite it, actually enjoying myself and feeling strong and proud for that reason.

    What I’m saying is, if you fight a fight of your own every day of your life, be proud, stay strong and keep smiling. You’re a hero and you’re not alone.

  • Mind over matter: The power of mindfulness meditation

    Recently, my beautiful cousin spoke to me for a long time about mindfulness. And I mention it because even more recently I discovered just how practising mindfulness can help. In the spirit of being honest, when I first spoke to my cousin, I didn’t think it was for me. I thought a mindfulness meditation was a thing I’d struggle with in many ways. Then, one down day last week left me feeling particularly shaken.

    I truly believed that I’d hit rock bottom. Considering how well things were going in our new home, I can’t quite believe how pessimistic I felt. I was tired of being anxious and I wanted to give up. I felt hopeless and I was convinced that every day of the rest of my life, I’d be miserable. I’ve felt all of this before, but this time the thoughts were scarier and more consuming. Perhaps all of the anxiety I’d been feeling over the last couple of weeks had been smothered in a way, by all the good stuff I was feeling and this was it bursting out. I was exasperated by the fact I still felt anxious when the past couple of weeks had been so truly amazing and rationally, I knew I should be so calm and happy.

    In the end, I rang The Samaritans and they stayed on the phone until I was out the other side. I didn’t call them because I believed I might kill myself. I called them because I didn’t know how to explain how I was feeling rationally and I didn’t want to panic family and friends. I felt like if I didn’t get it out of my head by talking about it to someone, I would be giving the feelings more power over me and they would become too much for me to handle. The Samaritans were amazing and if you ever need them, you can call them 24 hours a day on 116 123 or find more information at https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/.

    They did what they could, but a half hour after they’d convinced me to try putting the phone down and getting on with my day, I had pretty much decided that I was going to carry on feeling helpless and I’d just call The Samaritans every day for the rest of my life so that they could get me through it.

    But then, laying flat on my back, on the floor, listening to this mindfulness video, I discovered the power of being in the moment and coming to the realisation that we have power over our minds, not the other way ’round. It might not feel entirely natural at first, but all the video really encourages you to do is to lie down, to breathe and to use all of your senses to become gradually more present.

    It honestly took ten minutes of being mindful for me to believe in myself again. Since then, I feel stronger than ever. I only wish I’d believed enough to try it sooner and I’m so grateful that my cousin mentioned it.

    What’s also amazing is that once I’d been mindful I finally felt I could tell people around me how I’d felt. I told Dave, I told my brother, I took control back and I moved onwards and upwards.

    Right now, I’m sat on an actual sofa (because we have one actual sofa now) and I’m looking at our beautiful living room (that now has house plants in it, including a wonderful cactus we’ve stuck a hat on and called Patrick) and I’m smiling hugely even though it’s all grey and gloomy outside. These last two weeks have been far from miserable. Believe it or not despite my emotional all over the place-ness, they’ve been great. Hopefully if I can make meditation a regular thing, I can start to be present more in general and enjoy all that is happening in this life chapter.

  • Coping with change and finding positivity again

    The last time my anxiety was exacerbated by a big change, it took a lot of adjusting for me to get to a point where I felt like I could live freely again. Perhaps it’s cos I’m older and wiser, perhaps it’s because I have Dave or perhaps it’s actually because this time I’ve been open about how I’m feeling, but I already feel like I’m doing better.

    Our living room is SUPER cosy now. Not only do we have the house plant and cactus and two sofas, but we now have lots of cushions, one that’s particularly fluffy, and a rug and a coffee table. Right now, I’m sat with a Spotify playlist called ‘The Stress Buster’ playing, I have scented candles lit and I’m sipping my way through a beautiful cup of coffee. I reckon the playlist is doing its job, because I feel very chilled.

    Monday was a fun-filled indoorsy day. I cleaned, I put washing on, I watched a few too many episodes of Gilmore Girls and I started working out how I’m going to prove I’m competent to do the job I have an interview for – eek! I’ll share more details if I actually get the role. It’s a bit of a side step, but with a view to continuing to save for that dreamy masters.

    Tuesday evening, we had a friend over to watch the football. We’re Manchester United supporters and therefore we were tense, stressed and frustrated for the majority of the evening. That aside, it was a good evening. We ordered an amazing Chinese takeaway and got through a few beers between us.

    Yesterday, three lovely friends came over to visit me for the day. We went out for lunch at Prezzo, I gave them a brief tour of Watford town centre (in all its glory), we played card games and it was great. Just to have the flat so alive with the buzz of a few more people made me smile hugely.

    Today, I finally went to register at a new doctor’s surgery. I’ve been putting it off because as per, I was super scared. Also as per, all was plain and simple, the ladies behind reception were nice and I had nothing to worry about.

    This afternoon, I went shopping for interview clothes and smart shoes. I spent two stressful hours checking every shop twice and still coming out empty handed. I got home, reminded myself to breathe, made myself a cuppa and within ten minutes had ordered everything I wanted online. Why is it I never think to online shop right away? Need to get with the times.

    Now I’m about to pick up Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Every time I finish a serious book off the shelf, I’m rewarding myself by reading a Harry Potter. They break it up a bit. They’re such good reads and when I picked up the first one a few months ago, it had been a very long time since my dad read them to me as bedtime stories. It’s about time I rediscovered them in all their wonder.

    I think writing Chapter three may be doing more good than I know. The way I was feeling when I wrote ‘Mind over Matter’ is a mystery to me now and I feel like I’ve come a long way in a few weeks. I hope this new positive attitude is here to stay.

  • Letting emotions run free and learning to be happy

    I’m sat on the sofa by the window, getting blinded by the sun, but refusing to shut it out. I’m two chapters from the end of Harry Potter so when I’m done writing, I’m finishing it. Then I’m rewarding myself with a cream egg or two before taking a deep breath and picking up the very important looking paperwork that came in the post from my new employer.

    Yes, I got the job! EEEEEEEK!!

    If I’m honest, at first the news left me feeling all kinds of mixed emotions.

    I was happy at first, goodness I nearly cried on the phone while she was telling me the good news and I’m surprised I didn’t deafen Dave when he called to congratulate me, but then almost as fast as I’d felt happy, I felt tense and uncertain again.

    I found myself trying really hard not to get overwhelmed. I couldn’t relax for days. I know now that I was so happy when she rang, but I was scared too. Not scared of starting the job, but scared of letting myself be happy about it.

    That probably sounds like lunacy to some of you. I just got a job I know that I’m going to love, in the city I’ve always wanted to work in. Life’s moving forwards in a brilliant way, but sometimes even the positive emotions are scary. We try to suppress them, because letting any emotion take control, even a happy one, means losing ourselves a little.

    We worrier warriors spend so much of our time trying to control our emotions, trying not to let the anxiety take over, that the moment we’re given a good reason to act like the crazy, excitable, over-emotional happy person, we find it hard to go for it!

    When it finally dawned on me that I had no reason to be anxious, that everything had fallen into place and that I was in fact ridiculously happy I cried, I ran around like I’d eaten too many blue smarties and I haven’t stopped smiling since.

    If you’re like me and even the happy emotions seem daunting, put yourself out there next time you’re feeling good. Scream from the hill tops if you have to. Let the happy tears run wild. Don’t try to keep it in. Keeping it in never did anyone any good.

  • Feeling optimistic

    Easter weekend’s been and gone.

    Friday was a lazy hazy day. Dave and I ordered takeaway, watched films, I read, he played games. It was wonderful.

    Saturday morning, I met two lovely humans I haven’t seen in too long in London for brunch. It wasn’t as posh as it sounds though. Sorry to ruin the magic, but we ordered greasy fried breakfast in Wetherspoons at a train station, caught up, people watched and ended the morning at the Krispy Kreme donut stand.

    Dave then came to join me in London for the afternoon and we wondered around being tourists until the wind and the cold drained us of all our energy. At that point we refuelled on snacks, got the train back to Watford, ate at Wagamammas and then came home to collapse. It having been our first ever visit to Wagamammas, we are both now big fans of Japanese food.

    Dave and I went over to my grandparents on Sunday, where we had a beautiful lunch and a lovely day.

    Monday was a house sorting, cleaning up, doing laundry kind of day and I must say we aced it. By the end of the morning the place was spic and span. Good job too, because my parents popped by with my brother in the afternoon.

    Now we’ve bags of chocolate to make our way through and I’ve got just a couple of weeks to make the most of my freedom. (Because now I know I have a job on the horizon, it feels like freedom as opposed to just unemployment.) I promised more information on the new job and I’m changing my mind. I’ve decided to keep this blog and my boring 9-5 professional life separate for now. But I can tell you that the prospect of it has got me feeling all world is my oyster-y and oh so optimistic.

  • Tackling new job nerves again and finding calm

    “Let go of the familiar and embrace the new”

    I was super happy and excited, but goodness I was nervous.

    A small part of me was just rationally worrying about the new job itself. Whether I’d be able to do it, whether the people would be as nice as I hoped, whether I’d impress like I wanted to.

    I was also having nightmares. Nightmares that varied from stressfully realistic to scarily weird. I had one in which I kept trying to get through doorways, but random people in my life would be standing in them telling me it wasn’t safe. By the end I was shouting (luckily just in the dream) at the top of my lungs that they had to get out of my way, because I had to get to work! You don’t have to be a psychologist to figure out I was very scared I’d be late.

    Most of me was simply just terrified about the change from unemployment to employment. Even with 7 days a week free to do as I pleased I felt like time was going too fast and there was never enough of it. How would I cope? How would I find time to do the things I love? How would I keep in contact with all of my friends and family? How would I sleep and eat enough? How would I live!?

    Commuting for the first time was a strange experience. When I walked onto the station platform singing quietly to myself at 8am, I felt like I was walking into a school assembly late. Everyone looked miserable. Everyone was sat or stood in silence. Everyone seemed to glare at me as I walked past. Pretty girls looked me up and down like I didn’t belong.

    Of course, half the issue was that I was so tense and uncomfortable. The minute I walked onto that platform I forgot all about where I was headed. All I knew was that I felt small and unsure and this was all new and I wasn’t sure I liked it and a big part of me wanted to run back home to bed. I was more nervous than I knew and it didn’t take much to knock me off balance.

    However, from the moment I got to work onwards, my first day ROCKED. Everyone I met was super lovely. I really enjoyed the work I did and the more I found out about my role the more I knew I was going to love it.

    There came a point when I realised where I was, both physically and just in life and suddenly a big goofy smile spread from cheek to cheek. I was in my favourite city, working in one of them fancy office buildings, wearing fancy office clothes and doing a job I already took pride in and loved, in the hope of saving money to do something else I take pride in and love.

    This change didn’t happen gradually. I didn’t go through a period of adaptation. Maybe you aren’t supposed to. Maybe the reason I’ve struggled with change so much in life is because I’ve always had too much time to think about it. This time was like no other. I’m not being dramatic. Literally, one minute I was panicking; I felt like I was spiralling, losing control, time was running away with me. The next minute I realised I was calm and I settled into the swing of things and before long it was like nothing had changed at all.

    I’m another 5 commutes down now and its not strange anymore. If the pretty girls are still looking me up and down I’m not seeing them because I’m too happy and confident to notice. Or my head is in my book which I’ve already mastered the art of reading wherever I am.

    It doesn’t feel like I’ve just been through a change. 3 days into the job and everything is second nature. It honestly feels like I’ve been doing this for years and that is strange and wonderful all at once. Life never fails to amaze me.

  • A quick-check in

    Hey there!

    I am back after an incredible two weeks spent travelling Europe with one of my best friends and thought I’d check-in quickly before like gets too bonkers again.

    I can’t even begin to tell you what a great time we had in Europe using our Interrail ticket to hop between countries. From walking miles through cities and mountains, to boogy-ing the night away with new friends from all over the world, it was literally one amazing day after another.

    Now it’s back to every day life, but it doesn’t feel everyday. Everyday feels like an adventure somehow. I love this job. I love the people I’m working with. And I love how much my brain hurts at the end of each new day.

    Right now I’m sat on my bed with the balcony doors as wide open as they can be and the heat from the laptop is still almost unbearable. I’m not complaining though… I feel like I’m still on holiday in this weather.

    Passenger is playing from my Spotify, unsurprisingly. I’m about to pick up the book I’m currently reading, which I think I might finish tonight and I can’t stop admiring the bedroom carpet which I hoovered for the first time since we moved in. It’s the little things eh?

  • Why it’s important to slow down when life feels complicated

    We, people in general, tend to overcomplicate things. Life’s fairly simple when you think about it. We’re born. Some things go wrong and some things go right. Some of us are lucky and some of us are incredibly unlucky. Some people like us and some people don’t. We make friends and we lose them. Then at some point it all has to end and most of the time people are sad to see other people go, regardless of what we may have done or not done, because at the end of the day the loss of life is simply sad.

    This isn’t coming from a place of complete randomness. Life has felt overwhelmingly complicated recently.

    When I nipped quickly into the Paperchase at London Euston a couple of weeks ago to grab a diary, because things were a little crazy and I needed to keep track, I was just excited to be back from travelling, to be rolling on with work and to have so many fantastic plans ahead.

    This week, I’ve done nothing but wish life was simpler. I’ve felt like I’m losing track. Suddenly work feels like my whole life and as much as I love my job, I can’t help freaking out about all the important things I don’t have time for. The days haven’t felt as long as they did in the beginning and there’s not enough time and everything’s been a muddle.

    Then out of nowhere, today has been simple.

    I simply slept for as long as I needed and then rolled out of bed at 11am. Dave cooked a not so simple, very impressive breakfast, but I helped where I could and sipped tea when I couldn’t. I sat outside and read my book and then I got too hot and moved indoors. Then I convinced Dave to walk round to McDonald’s with me and we bought McFlurrys. We don’t feel like cooking, so we’re simply ordering in.

    I feel like today has done me the world of good. Stepping out of the craziness of it all for just a little while has put my feet back on the ground again.

    Not only does this remind me of the value of slowing down once in a while, but I now feel like a complete wally. From an outside perspective, looking back, life’s been simple all along really.

    I have got to stop over-complicating things! (As if it’s that easy)

  • The Best of Brighton: Culture, Food, and Fun

    I spent last weekend in Brighton with four friends, celebrating my friend’s birthday and I fell in love.

    I arrived in Brighton tired, hungry, sweaty, clueless and with heavy bags in tow after a very long day at work.

    The lively atmosphere gave me an immediate boost. Between the squeals of people on hen nights, the excitable chatter of everyone around, the yells from friends on tour and the booming voices of train conductors, came the occasional squawk of a seagull, welcoming you to the seaside.

    I needed to buy Aperol for the birthday girl. I couldn’t find it anywhere, which was a shame, but I did find that every single person I spoke to was jolly and helpful. Every off-licence owner tried to help me out and the people in Tesco and Sainsbury’s were eager to do what they could too. I felt like I could have spoken to absolutely anyone and they would have tried to help me out.

    The home we stayed in was booked through air b&b and it was absolutely stunning. The perfect seaside escape. It was a little way from the coast, but the seagulls could still be heard, never fear.

    In my dreams I live in a house like this one when I grow up. It’s so tastefully decorated, so light and airy and everything has it’s place, but it looks lived in too. It’s just the right mix of old and new and it’s not too big or too small. It’s perfect. Aside from the fact it’s on a really really steep hill. Not only was the walk a challenge, but can you imagine trying to parallel park outside!?

    I could have spent days exploring the centre of Brighton and I’ve still no idea how we got from one place to another. All I know is that on your way down to the coast you wonder through ‘The Lanes’. There’s bunting everywhere, it’s a maze of madness that transports you to another time and there are shops and stools selling all sorts of bits and bobs. There’s something for everyone. There are so many cute independent shops. There’s so much street food and so many cute, eccentric cafes to be explored. Including Choccywoccydoodah which just has to be the craziest dessert cafe on Earth!

    There are loads of cool independent bars and clubs on the seafront too, individual to Brighton. Not forgetting the cute arty shops down there and the fish and chip stands! Fish and chips is obligatory of course.

    Wherever you wonder along the seafront the views are lovely. There’s even a massive 360 degrees moving observation tower you can go up, if that takes your fancy and you have the time. I imagine the views must be wonderful. Brighton’s beach isn’t sandy, it’s a pebble beach, but this doesn’t take away from the fact it’s really very pretty. I couldn’t take enough pictures. Particularly on a sunny day, the sea is so beautifully blue and everything looks so colourful and alive.

    Brighton has Churchill Square shopping centre too, with all your big name stores. There are chain restaurants and big bars and clubs with names you’d probably recognize.

    Brighton Pier itself is the epitome of British Sea Front fun. There are arcades and fayre ground rides. I wasn’t crazy enough to brave the waltzers but those of us who did said they were sure they were the spinniest and fastest they’d ever been on. There’s donuts and ice cream and candy floss galore and there’s even a sit down restaurant and bar.

    There are many other must-sees we missed simply because we didn’t have enough time. From the stunning Royal Pavillion to the Museum and Art Gallery, Brighton has culture and history too.

    I can’t recommend a visit to Brighton enough and I’ll definitely be back! I imagine there’s even more to discover than I know.

  • Navigating Life in My Twenties: Feeling like I’m on a non-stop rollercoaster ride

    Old habits die hard and life in my twenties still feels as complicated as ever. Long gone are the days of blog posts written every Sunday without fail; always about lazy days at my parents’, roast dinners, good books and sunshine or rain.

    Funnily enough, I actually did spend Sunday just gone at my parents’ and it was an amazing dose of all of that. My mum made me a bacon buttie and a cuppa. I nipped out to see my best friend and her other half and when I got back the whole house smelt of roast chicken and potatoes. I chilled with my brother and checked in with my sister. I stole a good couple of bear hugs off my dad. Before I headed home, full of food and love, I watched a kid’s film with my parents. It was raining almost the whole day and my old home felt that much cosier because of it.

    Right now, I’m sat on the sofa in our flat listening to Rag ‘n’ Bone man, whose music I love. Dave’s just got in from work and tonight we’ve nothing planned besides fighting over who gets control of the music and who gets the comfier sofa. Makes a change. We intend to make the most of the nothingness.

    The working weeks are particularly crazy for both of us at the moment. I’m always in a Mond-aze first thing Monday morning. I may love my job, but that doesn’t stop the return of the alarm clock being a shocker. As busy people in our twenties, we always promise ourselves early nights and yet every evening flies by and before we know it, we’re going to sleep much later than intended too.

    As time goes on, I think I’m finally beginning to realise that regardless of gender, personality, job, lifestyle, mental health, all twenty-somethings are feeling a lot of the same things. Obviously we’re all going through our own individual bits and pieces, but we’ve a lot in common with each other too.

    Our twenties have the potential to be the best years of our lives, of course, but that doesn’t mean we’re not all scared and unsure. As millennials, swept up in the craziness of all that is modern day life, we’d be crazy not to feel a little bewildered. Whenever I stop for too long to think I find myself second guessing, doubting, panicking. In those moments, I miss my childhood home more than ever, recalling moments of peace and sanctuary through rose tinted glasses and forgetting the times life in that house felt crazy too.

    Life in our twenties is like a non-stop roller coaster ride. And we’re not necessarily new to the ride, but we feel truly unsupervised for the first time and so the ride is just a little more scary as a result.

    Does that make sense? Have I taken the metaphor too far?

    Calmer nights, like tonight, seem to be a rarity and rather than dwell on the overwhelm, I’m trying to embrace it all. These are the years to fly, right? We can get grounded again when we hit life’s next chapter. Surely at some point adults must start to feel more steady.

  • A Vital Life Lesson: There’s Joy in Letting Go, Accepting Change and Staying Put

    I’m the happiest of Bronwens today. Autumn simply is the second most wonderful time of year (Christmas being the most wonderful time of the year, of course) and I’m so happy it is here.

    What’s not to love? Good TV. Jumper weather. Beautiful crisp colourful leaves. Monthly reasons to get together with friends and family and have a good time in the form of Halloween and Bonfire night and Christmas (oops I said it again). Yes, it’s too soon to talk about Christmas, I know, but we all know that really that build up starts here. HOW EXCITING!

    A little life update, before I get onto why I’m writing…

    Tuesday night just gone, Dave and I went to see Foo Fighters at the O2 and it was unforgettable! My goodness what a night. If I didn’t already think they were an incredible band, I do now. They are mind blowing. They all have such presence! They’re all so talented and they’re innovative too. They’re concert was the perfect mix of old and new and even featured Rick Astley! In the flesh. Singing ‘Never gonna give you up’. No word of a lie.

    I also helped out at a couple of Alzheimer’s Society’s memory walks this month and I’m so glad I did. I attended the Watford walk first. The event site was at the bottom of a hill and we’d barely finished setting up before people started emerging over the top in blue memory walk t-shirt after t-shirt. They all looked amazing and even more so when they eventually headed off on the walk itself. I had a lump in my throat for the duration of both events. So many people and each one there for the same incredible cause and all with names and pictures on their back. All remembering someone. It was simply amazing.

    I’m writing because, I’ve had an epiphany. Although it’s been a long time in the making, I feel like I’ve finally made peace with the fact that the Music Therapy masters I’ve been dreaming of doing, might be something I can’t actually get to for a little while.

    Leaving my parents’ home and moving out and moving away from my home town and starting a new job, it all threw me off balance just a little bit. I’ve been tumbling through. And, hey! I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with tumbling through, but whilst life has whizzed by, I have had this annoying, niggling feeling that I’m losing sight of my path and I’m going in the wrong direction.

    But then today, for the first time in my twenties so far, I feel like I’m willing to accept how much priorities have changed. With expenses higher every month, saving for the masters simply isn’t as feasible as I once might have said it was. And I could retreat from my job, get back to the cause and go back to working with children to get the experience, but the money wouldn’t stop being an issue. Truthfully, I also don’t want to do that. I actually love this 9-5 job I’ve stumbled into.

    The wonderful thing is that now I feel more at peace with all of that, I realise I’m perfectly happy staying exactly where I am for a while.

    I feel very lucky to be where I am right now and I know that with enough determination, I can get to where I want to be eventually, BUT I don’t need to jump head first into another deep sea full of unknowns and drag my mental health down again with me. Change hasn’t done me much good in the last few years and things staying the same for a little while could be just the thing.

    There is no wrong direction. Perhaps I’m on a new path that is just as meant for me. For a little while I’m just going to do more of the same. And I’m so excited for all of the joys staying put will bring.

    That’s a wrap on Chapter Three for now. Watch this space – perhaps I’ll be back with a whole new chapter. One about finding joy in letting go and staying put.

Twenty Twenty-Five