Blogging Goodbye to Butterflies

Chapter Two

Graduate Life.

In Chapter Two, I’m adjusting to life back at home after university.

I write about feeling lost and not knowing where to go next. My anxiety is still very much present, but not as much as it has been and mostly, I’m facing the very normal challenges that come from navigating adult life for the first time…

  • Here Comes Chapter Two

    Hello Stranger!

    I’ve been sat in the same spot, full of food and drink, for so long that my eyes are heavy and my bum hurts. I’ve still no idea where to begin.

    I thought I was finding my way in the world when I moved back to Cardiff for my second year, but I was very wrong. When you’re at university you’re in a world of your own. The world outside of university is much bigger and in general, people are much meaner. As a graduate, stumbling through just doesn’t seem to cut it.

    Okay, it isn’t all as bad as it sounds. I’ve actually had a pretty good time since graduation and the move back in with my parents. I got a temporary job as an administrator and for a bit I had it all figured out. I went to Milan with friends. I saw Adele at the O2. As I’m back to living with the parents, the fridge is always full of food, my washing often disappears from the laundry basket before I even fill it and the heating actually comes on when it gets cold. I’m reunited with old friends. If I were good enough at living in the present I think life would seem pretty easy.

    I’ve just not really got the long-term career thing figured out yet… I think I know where I want to be, but I’m not quite sure how to get there. I kind of have a plan, but it keeps falling through. In fact, I think it’s looking to the future that makes being a graduate so hard. For many of us, the future is bleak. We’re in limbo. We’re feeling 22, except we’re not Taylor Swift, we don’t have a record deal and we aren’t as pretty either.

    One thing I do know is that I love to write. I always have done. So for now, this blog can be my saving grace. Hopefully it’ll keep me feeling positive whilst I figure this next chapter out. I promise I’ll keep the grumbling to a minimum from here on in. After all, it’s not the end of the world. Really, my time in this world is only just beginning.

  • Navigating life after university: Step one, find a job

    It’s Sunday again. The whole house smells of roast beef and I can’t stop smiling. Sundays are my favourite thing.

    Last week was a tough one – my anxiety was a little harder to deal with than usual and I was feeling a bit lost, alone and confused.

    But this week I’ve had a Cadbury creme egg with breakfast almost every day. It doesn’t get much better than that hey?

    I didn’t wake up until eleven on Monday morning. It’s been what feels like an eternity since I slept in that long and I felt SO good for it.  I jumped out of bed and headed downstairs to find that my grandparents, who’d been over for Easter Sunday, had stuck around. We had lunch while listening to Heart FM, who claimed to be playing the 100 happiest songs of all time.

    That night I met a few friends for dinner. I had Bruschetta, BBQ Chicken Quesadillas AND a side of fries and discovered my eyes were most definitely bigger than my belly. We headed for cocktails afterwards, simply because none of us were ready for the night to end when we left the restaurant.

    Tuesday, we went bowling. I was the only one in velcro shoes, as per, and I ordered a slush puppy for old time’s sake. I got a couple of strikes, but I didn’t do as well as I wanted to. I very nearly beat one of the guys in a game of pool afterwards though.

    Wednesday, I caught up with a friend I hadn’t seen in literally years. I had a singing lesson that evening and surprisingly, considering I really didn’t sing that well, I came away from it feeling like conquering life.

    One of my bestest friends (also a recent graduate) and I made it our mission to get fit this year. We joined a fitness class in January and much to my surprise, we didn’t drop out after the first couple of weeks! Our instructor’s been amazing and, much to our dismay, she’s upping and moving to Spain. Wednesday night we went along to her leaving dinner. I ordered fish and chips when I definitely should have ordered the lasagna. That aside, we had a great evening. Here’s hoping whoever takes over is as good at kicking us into action as she was.

    I met two lovely ladies for lunch on Thursday. The sun was out, and I wore my sunglasses and that made me ridiculously happy.

    That afternoon I had a job interview. Yep, that’s right, a job interview! It isn’t lost on me how lucky I am to be back living with parents as a graduate and to have time to find the job that feels right for me.

    The interview went really well and I’m hoping I’ll hear from them very soon. I’m venturing into the world of Primary School education. For a while I’ve been considering a PGCE, with a music specialism. I spend so much time ranting and raving about how the education system is going down hill, how I’d love to inspire and encourage the next generation and how teachers are the most amazing people on the planet, that I figure I really should step up and at least try it. I’m applying for Teaching Assistant positions, planning to get some experience first of all.

    This week has been conclusively better than last week. Sometimes, it takes hitting a bit of a low to get you moving. How can you pick yourself up if you’re already on a high?

    My mum just called to say roast dinner’s ready, bang on cue. Onwards and upwards from here.

  • Spring Time Adventures

    This week, unlike last week, I had very little planned. The Alzheimer’s Society had bagseed me to help them out as part of my volunteer role on Thursday, but nothing else was even pencilled in my diary. Last I heard, the teaching agency who interviewed me last week are still waiting on my references, so no news on the job front just yet either.

    So, in the absence of a schedule or places to be, I’ve been spending a joyful amount of time outdoors. I love this time of year, if not for the obvious reasons, just because I rediscover my spirit of adventure. As much as I love cosy nights in, my fluffy slippers and galaxy hot chocolate, I can’t help but dream all winter of light evenings and Pimms and lemonade and fruit salad and days spent sat in a dress and sandals in the sunshine with a good book.

    On Tuesday, my boyfriend (Yes, I have a boyfriend! And he’s Dave from here on in – There’s something about the word boyfriend that makes me squirm) and I went for a long walk in Danbury Common (a common not far from our home town of Chelmsford). We had such a lovely time and I think we timed our visit perfectly: There were still muddy puddles to be avoided and there were still piles of leaves around for me to stomp through like a child. It was warm enough, but not too hot to walk for miles.

    I met one of my oldest friends at a country pub for a spontaneous lunch on Wednesday and like in all the best stories, we just found ourselves full of food and headed up a path that would take us on an adventure towards a lovely village I’d never been to before. This story gets most exciting when we see a very angry looking grey cloud in the distance, but take our chances and carry on going anyway. Half an hour later we’ve been hit with rain and hail and wind and we’re hiding in a bus shelter shivering, we’re drenched and we can’t stop laughing at how ridiculous the whole situation is.

    When the rain and hail subsided and the skies cleared, we finished our walk in bright sunshine and everything around us shone and I couldn’t help but wish every person on Earth could see what I was seeing.

    My winter boots are done for. We didn’t avoid all the mud on Tuesday and I certainly couldn’t keep them dry on Wednesday and now I think they’ve had enough. They’re also the reason for the massive blisters on my heels, but I’ll let them off the hook: They’ve lasted me well and honestly, I cannot wait to go and invest in a pair of summery trainers and some new sandals. After all, spring is here and if I’m going to be spending my time adventuring, a new pair of sturdy sandals will be very much needed.

  • Inspired by London

    Surely not? Surely it can’t be Sunday again. Well, life updates as follows:

      • My nose won’t stop running
      • I might have a job, but as long as I have to put the word might in that sentence I’m not getting carried away: I’m officially signed up to a teaching agency and they seem optimistic about finding me something.
      • I’ve rediscovered the wonder of lip balm and my love for Avril Lavigne.
      • I’ve used ‘deliveroo’ for the first time ever and ordered Nandos chicken to be delivered, which blew my mind

      I spent this weekend in London. For those of you who don’t already know – London is my favourite place to be in the whole wide world. Admittedly, I still have much of the world to see, but of all the cities I’ve been to, it is by far the best. It is the one place on Earth that isn’t home, but feels like home. It is the only place I can go, that I never want to leave.

      I was visiting one of my oldest friends and I was ridiculously excited.

      I made it up and out of bed early Saturday morning to head to a fitness class. I nearly didn’t make it off the sofa again once I’d got home, cooked bacon and sat down in front of the TV, but I got up the stairs, dressed and packed eventually.

      I was in a world of my own for the entirety of the train journey in and I don’t think I completely woke from my daydreams until the moment I saw my friend outside the station. I saw her, my face lit up and, as I quickly began to realise just how much I’d missed her and how happy I was to be there, we hugged. In my head the sun came out at that moment, but if I’m honest, the weather was pretty gloomy.

      I got through two cups of tea while we caught up on life. Then we ended up on the ‘deliveroo’ website and before long Nandos was on its way. We put the last episode of Gossip Girl on while we waited (always my go-to time filler) and it arrived just in time for my tummy to start rumbling. I couldn’t have been happier munching on my butterfly chicken (medium – I’m not a wimp, but I’m not that brave either) and my creamy mash and knowing Michael McIntyre was soon to be on the TV. I got peri-salted chips too, but shh.

      We thoroughly enjoyed Michael’s Big Show, very nearly fell asleep when the credits started rolling, but picked ourselves up and headed out for cocktails. Three cocktails later we wandered home and fell asleep very shortly after our heads hit our pillows.

      The sun really was shining brightly today. We had nutella on toast for breakfast and then we put our tourist hats on. We spent some time wandering aimlessly, enjoying the sunshine and taking photos and I must have said the words ‘I love’ and ‘this place’ a zillion times. Eventually we ended up in a really lovely pub serving even lovelier roast dinners.

      I always leave London feeling like anything is possible. Right now, all I want to do is curl up with Dave and binge watch TV, but I feel like this week I might just conquer life. Even if all I do is start a scrapbook, get outdoors even more, get an update from my teaching agency and finish my book.

      London I Love You, xoxo

    • Feeling like a graduate who’s failing at life

      This week:

      • Dave and I booked a spontaneous trip to the cinema.
      • I face-swapped with a minion.
      • An amazing friend who obviously knows the way to my heart, cooked me a Mexican dinner: She made her guacamole from scratch. Doesn’t get much better than that.  
      • I almost gave up on Plan A, get a job in a primary school, all together.

      I’ve actually been feeling pretty down in the dumps about the latter. Somehow, I had managed to convince myself that every day spent as a graduate out of work was a waste of life. I’d spent a month and a half waiting for the right job to come along and felt like a failure already.

      It took my dad pointing out that a month and a half is no time at all to be searching for a job in a whole new industry, for me to come to my senses.

      I feel calmer now and more resolved than ever. I know that whatever path I take in the future, I need to do this first. There’s no skipping ahead or changing my mind: Getting into a classroom, getting some experience and finding out whether teaching is for me is exactly what I need to do. Until I know just how much I’m going to love it, I can’t possibly decide what on earth to do next. I can’t give up just yet.

      I now feel like a complete wally for nearly giving up so quickly, for thinking I should have everything figured out already and for forgetting who I am. After all, I’m the girl who has always truly believed time isn’t wasted if you enjoyed wasting it.

    • Finding joy in music again

      I’m sat at my desk, the sun has got its hat on, Passenger’s album ‘All the Little Lights’ is whizzing ’round the record player and I’m making my way through a massive mug of tea.

      Last week, I worked my first day in a school! I was ridiculously nervous. In fact, think I forgot to breathe for the first two hours after I arrived. BUT when I got back home at the end of the day I was feeling positive. I had a really good day. Everything came to me surprisingly naturally and I was in my element being back in the school environment again. I was too busy getting stuck in to sit back and think too much so I haven’t made any big life decisions yet, but I loved it. I know that much.

      In October 2013, I wrote a post about conquering a busy student life:

      You’ll find it in Chapter One:  https://blogginggoodbyetobutterflies.com/2013/10/24/537/

      When I went back to university for my second year, I very quickly discovered that I was noticeably happier when I kept myself busy and started the day early. To this day, I swear by it. A busy life is a happy one; for me at least. Time to think has never done me much good. A day in with my best mate Netflix only ever turns my brain to moosh.

      I’ve had a wonderfully busy week. I’ve been to the cinema and I’ve been out for dinner. I popped into town for cheap work clothes. I’ve been to work. I went along to a fundraising quiz night, in aid of a brave young girl who has been diagnosed with a rare terminal illness and whose family are raising money for her treatment*. Saturday was such a long day that when I woke up Sunday morning I blamed my aching muscles on the dancing I’d done Saturday night, forgetting about the fitness class I’d done first thing Saturday morning. Yesterday was spent eating BBQ food and drinking Prosecco to celebrate my beautiful twin cousins’ birthday. (I cannot believe they are going to be 18.)

      I’ve also come to realise that keeping busy isn’t the only thing that makes me happy: I’ve done a singing practice every day without fail. I don’t think I’ve truthfully been able to say that since I finished my degree.

      I’d began to forget just how much joy singing brings me. Tuesday, I rang Dave at the end of the first proper singing practice I’d done in ages. I tried to explain in words how I felt and how much it meant to me. I tried to explain how it had made me feel and in the end I just told him that nothing compares to it. Nothing gives me more freedom than singing. Nothing makes me feel stronger and nothing makes me happier.

      I’m off to set up at the piano for a little while. If you can, go play your favourite song at top volume and whether you think you can or not, sing along at the top of your voice. After all, I don’t sing because I’m happy, I’m happy because I sing.

      *Follow the link to donate to help fund treatement for Phoebe Flo: https://www.gofundme.com/phoebeflo

    • Feeling Positive: A move into special education and the approach to my 22nd birthday

      This week’s been exhausting. In fact, if I’d tried to write this post a couple of days ago I’m sure I just would have grumbled about being tired and feeling anxious and about the gloomy weather forecast for the weekend. The positivity that oozed from my last post would have been non-existent. I’d have never imagined that I could feel as optimistic as I do now.

      But, I did three days work in another school! AND they would like to hire me on an ongoing basis! It’s a school for children who display challenging behaviours and have special educational needs. It’s been challenging so far, but I’ve really enjoyed it too. I’m gaining valuable experience and working with an amazing team of people.

      I’m really excited about the few weeks ahead. In fact, I’m beginning to believe that when, on New Years Day, I said I thought 2016 was going to be my year, I just might have been right. I know that’s a big leap considering, but I feel good. I’m busy, I’m singing again AND working in schools so far has been really fulfilling. I’m finally beginning to take things in my stride. The butterflies have been around more than ever, but they haven’t stopped me taking each day as it comes. And for once they feel rational – who wouldn’t be nervous in the first few weeks of a new job?

      I think I’m beginning to work out what kind of life I want to lead and just in time for my 22nd birthday. One week to go and I’m just beginning to get a little excited. It’ll be my first birthday celebrated at home in 4 years and it’s on a Sunday. I couldn’t be more chuffed.

    • Officially 22 years young and feeling inspired

       “If you focus too far in front of you, you won’t see the shiny thing out of the corner of your eye” – Tim Minchin

      I’ll start with the job. It’s going really well I think. It’s hard work, but I’m enjoying it. This half term finishes tomorrow and I’ve told the school I’ll go back after the break. I never would have expected to end up in a job like it, but I’m glad I did. There’s so much more to say, but I also don’t want to say too much: I’m off to a good start and a breach of confidentiality might blow it all. In the interest of staying professional, my lips are sealed.

      Life outside of the new job is pretty wonderful. I come home feeling like, in my little patch of this world, I’ve done some good. It feels good to be working hard and I’m proud to be challenging myself. That’s given me such a boost in general. Coming home from my office job was always a miserable affair. I was knackered, my brain hurt and I just wanted bed most days. I don’t miss that one bit.

      My birthday’s been and gone. Birthdays are amazing things. I’m so glad that, at some point in our past, human kind decided we should celebrate the date of our birth each year. I spent this birthday just chilling at home, listening to my new vinyl records, eating lots and drinking Prosecco and I loved it. I couldn’t have been happier. I woke up next to Dave at 5 in the morning and decided that was a little too soon to be waking everyone up. I woke again at half 7 but again, thought it was a little early. I eventually got up at 9 and got straight in the shower. I was ready in a flash and when I got downstairs my mum was making tea and frying bacon and my grandparents were there with hugs and birthday wishes. I’m a child at heart and I was so excited. I was spoilt rotten and by the end of the day I couldn’t stop smiling.

      If you’re thinking that’s all a little too tame for a 22nd birthday celebration, I’m off to Reading with friends again this weekend and I’m certain they’ll make sure I get the necessary boogie-ing and drinking done.

      Lastly, one of my best friends shared this video with me the other day. It rocked my world. The remarkable comedian and musician that is Tim Minchin just sums it all up. He hits the nail on its head. THIS is how I want to live my life from here on in: (Now, I know it’s a long video but stick with it. At least watch the first 11 minutes and 52 seconds. It’s inspirational.)

    • Learning more about myself week by week

      Oh my goodness, where to start?

      I did go to Reading to celebrate being 22. I turned up and my wonderful friends were waiting with cards and presents which made me ridiculously happy. Our night out started with Prosecco and ended with MacDonald’s, need I say more? If you’ve never tried MacDonald’s cheesy bites, be sure to do so next time you go. They’re the bee’s knees.

      This week, I went to see Coldplay at Wembley! We headed into London early so we could set up somewhere and catch the football. The England v Wales game was a good’un; it kept us all on the edge of our seats. Even I squealed when we went and got that goal in the 92nd minute.

      Coldplay put on such an amazing show. There were bouncy balls in the audience and lots of confetti and fireworks. They sang all the crowd pleasers and some extras. They made beautiful tributes to David Bowie and Muhammad Ali and I cried. They did an acoustic section as well as performing all out on the main stage. I don’t know what gives Chris Martin all his endless energy, but whatever it is, I want some.

      It was such a good day. I’d give almost anything to relive the moment when the pub full of fans erupted because England scored or the moment when I looked up at the open roof of Wembley stadium and literally saw ‘A sky full of confetti stars’.

      I’m still enjoying my work. I must admit that a week off at half term got me used to the easy life again and that I was worried about getting back into the swing of things. I needn’t have stressed though, getting back into it was easy as pie! If anything I went back to work after half term feeling more confident, even if I’d managed to catch a horrid cough.

      I’ve had a bit of a revelation in that I think maybe it’s the care and therapeutic support side of my job I prefer to the teaching side (dun, dun, dunnn), but I’m still not making any real plans for the future. I’m going to keep crossing bridges as I come to them and setting short term goals, Tim Minchin style. I think I want to work with people, helping people. Perhaps I’ll look into Music Therapy, do some research and see where that takes me. Maybe I could do a masters in a couple of years time? The prospect sounds amazing, but baby steps.

      Tomorrow’s Father’s Day and we’re spending it at my grandparents house and I’m really looking forward to a proper chilled Sunday before another week of work. I might finally get on with this scrapbook of mine, or at least finish my book. I’m reading Life of Pi and I’m half way through and so far, it is awesome.

      On that note, all that’s left to say is an early Happy Father’s Day to my dad (who just happens to be the best dad in the world) and to all the wonderful dad’s out there. If any of you are reading, I hope you have the best of days. Tomorrow, the tv controller really is all yours and you’re free to make as many dad jokes as you fancy. Enjoy it while it lasts.

    • Battling Sunday Scaries

      It’s a funny kind of day today. Not sunny enough for long enough to sit outside, but sunny enough to make you feel guilty for sitting indoors. It’s warm when the sun’s out, but chilly when it’s not. I’m sat indoors, but I’m sat near the window if that counts for anything.

      I’ve been super busy this week. I went along to celebrate my Auntie’s birthday with her mid-week and it was such a beautiful evening. She was so grateful to everyone for being there and her friends had bought her such lovely presents. I made it to a fitness class and believe me that was a challenge. I did a crazy amount of running around at work this week AND I went on a terrifying high ropes course with the kids. My legs and arms were killing me by the time Friday came around, but I was also feeling super positive about the job and the future.

      My friend who’s off to Australia for six months had her Leaving Do yesterday. We BBQ’d all day (through sunshine and thunderstorms) and then went out out in the evening. I had such a good time and I hope she did too. I still can’t bear the thought of her going away for so long, but I can’t wait to hear all about it when we skype.

      *sighs*

      I’ve got the Sunday scaries. At least I think that’s what it is. I’ve sat for about an hour and a half now feeling anxious and down and wondering where all my enthusiasm for life is gone.

      As far as Dave knows, I’m keeping up with the Euros game on the TV. I do usually enjoy watching football, but when he said he wanted to watch the match this afternoon I couldn’t help feeling disgruntled. This week has been lovely and yet the look on my face right now is probably enough to convince anyone I’ve hit rock bottom.

      I do think writing is helping though. I’ve no need to be feeling anxious or down. This week is going to be another lovely one, I’m sure of it… Adele’s 25 is now finally available for streaming which is going to make the drives to work much more enjoyable. Pretty Little Liars Season 7 is out too. AND Episode 10 of Game of Thrones is on tomorrow night. In fact, there’s so much good tv I need to watch, who needs sunshine? Here’s hoping it rains all week so I can spend my evenings in bed catching up on tv, guilt-free.

    • “Always look ahead, but never look back”: Quoting Miles Davis at the end of a challenging week

      I just closed my laptop lid and then opened it again about five times in a row. Honestly? This week at work has been really hard, more challenging than ever, and right now I’m full of butterflies.

      But, you know what? If this week has taught me anything it is that I have some amazing people in my life. Not only have I been reminded that the people in my life will support and love me no matter what, but I’ve found that many of the new people in my life are just as incredible.

      AND you know what else? The past week aside, this weekend has been great!

      I very nearly backed out of doing anything and opted for a weekend curled up in bed in pyjamas. Instead, I walked ’round the corner to my best friends house. We spent Friday evening, talking everything through, drinking tea and listening to music. By the time I left, she had me convinced I could get on with it and have myself a good weekend.

      So on Saturday, I jumped on a train and headed up to Birmingham to visit one of my friends and we went along to the Mostly Jazz, Funk and Soul Festival at Moseley Park. It was pretty awesome. The atmosphere was amazing. The rain held off until midnight. The music was varied and brilliant. The artists all looked like they were having the time of their life.

      The biggest names were Craig Charles (who was in attendance despite a leg injury and whizzed around all day on a mobility scooter) and Average White Band (who I didn’t think I’d heard of until they started playing hits like ‘Let’s go round again’ and I found somehow, I knew all of the words). Brian Augar was there too and I think he might have been my favourite. For those who don’t know, he’s a jazz keyboardist and he’s super cool. There was such a diverse audience of people too. I hadn’t known what to expect in the lead up, but I’ll definitely attend a jazz festival again and whether you enjoy jazz, funk or soul, or not, I’d definitely recommend it!

      Now it’s my favourite day of the week again and I’m moving forward. I’m popping a quote from one of the greatest jazz musicians of all time in the ‘Title’ field before I press post and then I’m getting myself a cup of tea. Tomorrow is a new day.

    • Time to decide if a career in special education is for me

      Genuinely struggling to piece this week together. It’s been a long one, a busy one, a stressful one at times, but ultimately a good one.

      Wednesday was a very good day. For my birthday, Dave bought us tickets to see The Woman in Black at the Fortune Theatre. For those who don’t know, The Woman in Black is a spooky, thriller that has been running at the Fortune Theatre since 1989. Both Dave and I have wanted to see it for years. It’s infamous for scaring audiences silly, but well known for being an exceptional play.

      I had booked the day off in advance, planning to spend the whole day with him. We started the day with an amazing breakfast in a cafe called ‘A Canteen’. We chilled in central park in the sunshine for a long while and then we headed into London. We popped to Maccy D’s super quick before the show started and then we got to the theatre just early enough for the nerves to build before it began. I’m not going to lie, while we sat waiting I began to wonder if going had been a good idea after all and whether I was going to be able to sit through it beginning to end and I’m glad it started when it did because a minute longer and I may have sissied out and walked straight back out the theatre.

      I was so impressed. The Woman in Black was clever, funny, unpredictable, gripping and terrifying and I loved it. It was everything I hoped it would be and more and I am so glad we went! It was just the right amount of scary… Not so scary I couldn’t watch, but scary enough to give me chills.

      When we left the theatre it was a beautiful summer evening and I was ridiculously happy. We wandered home slowly via embankment and Hungerford Bridge.

      Friday was the last day of this school term and I think I’ll remember it for a long time to come. It was probably one of the best days I’ve had at the school. We had a lot of fun and I admit, it all left me feeling a little emotional. Working at the school has been challenging, you’ll have gathered that if you’ve been keeping up, but it has also been amazing in so many ways. Many life decisions are to be made over the next month or so. Whether to stay at the school or not is something I’ll have to decide before anything else and right now, I feel so torn. Where from here? Teaching? On the job training? Back to University?

      This weekend has been super summery and a lot of fun too. I’ve caught up with friends, been out for a fantastic Chinese dinner, had a glass of wine or two and nearly finished my book. Here’s hoping this summer is everything I need it to be. Time to think is a luxury not everyone has and I hope I can make the most of it. Come September I have to pick a path and walk down it and whatever will be, will be.

    • Spoiled Rotten

      This summer, my family and I spent two amazing weeks at a huge resort celebrating my Dad’s 50th birthday. We were spoiled rotten with two pools, a section of the beach, on-site restaurants, a HUGE buffet, a gym, a coffee shop, need I go on? I don’t recall ever having felt so relaxed! It was beautiful.

      Now, I’m home again and I’m still not sure where I’m going from here. I’d allowed myself to forget all about real life and came back down to Earth with a bit of a crash when we got back.

      Since then though, I’ve met up with friends, been to a sixtieth birthday party where drinks were served in teacups and headed into London to see a hilarious show.

      I’m trying to keep my head up. I’m having to remind myself constantly that everything is going to be okay and that I don’t have to have it all figured out just yet.

      It’s still summer and I’ve still time. I think this afternoon I’ll write a pro/con list, that always helps.

      I have so many questions whizzing around my head. Do I go back to the job that has had me feeling more anxious than I have in years, but also happier than I have too? Is the fulfilment and happiness I’ve felt enough to counteract the stress of it and is this job ever actually going to get me to where I want to go?

    • Embracing Change: The Excitement of September

      Seriously, where did the summer go!? It’s raining, I’m wearing socks and a cardigan, I feel the sudden urge to light candles again, I used my umbrella last night!

      You know what? No need to panic. September is a funny kind of month. It might be raining now, but the sun could reappear at any point. I betcha I’ll just get used to grabbing a jacket on the way out of the house and suddenly it’ll be my sunglasses I need again. Britain is the king of mini heat waves.

      For the whole of my life so far I’ve been in education and therefore, September has been a fresh start.

      It seems that if you decide to work in education, when you finish education, the same still applies. I just can’t shake the feeling that a new chapter is beginning, because September is here. I’m sad that summer is over, but also a little excited about the prospect of a new school year.

      I finally made a decision. I’m staying in special education, but I’ve got a job on the horizon at another school; one a little closer to home and one where I hope to explore the music therapy avenue a little more.

      Until that job begins, I’m going to get back into volunteering with the Alzheimer’s Society. I went into the office to get all signed up again this week and I loved it. If Alzheimer’s Society could afford to pay me to do what I do as a volunteer, I’d do it for the rest of my life. I’m grateful I have some time to help again, before getting back to work.

      Right now though, I’m sat on my bed, an old One Republic tune just shuffled its way into my speakers and I’m feeling sleepy. I’m wondering whether to read a new book or just carry on watching Homeland on Netflix. Reading might just make me want to nap, but watching Netflix always turns my brain to mush. Sometimes it’s hard being lazy. I know I’ll be dreaming of days like this in a month or two. Must enjoy it while it lasts. Lazy Sundays are tradition after all.

    • Taking graduate life day by day

      I’m on a train, London bound and the sun is out, so I’m happy as Larry but the signal keeps dropping in and out so this will have to be a quick one.

      Feeling wonderful this week! Volunteering again has genuinely been so much fun and I’ve caught up with a few close friends who I haven’t seen in a really long time. Somehow, catching someone up on life always helps me see everything from a new perspective.

      At the start of this chapter, I acknowledged that as a university graduate, looking to the future becomes pretty daunting. The expense of living, the cost of houses in England and the cost of further education among a whole host of other things can make us feel like there’s no hope. Even when I find a job, I don’t know how I’m meant to make enough money to adult properly. 

      I think that maybe as a young adult, taking things a day at a time is the key. This week’s been a better one because I’ve focused on short term goals. I’m dedicating more time to volunteering and I’ve set myself a goal to get better at budgeting, in the hope I can make my savings last longer. 

      I’m meeting up with two more wonderful people I haven’t seen in months today and they always inspire me. We’ve got a whole afternoon and I know that it’s going to fly by, so I am determined to make the most of it. I’m pretty sure I’ll find out that I’m not alone in this still finding my way as a graduate thing.

      I love being on trains. Even busy ones. It doesn’t matter how much I do it, the novelty just doesn’t wear off. Okay, so if you’re standing like sardines on a hot summer’s day, perhaps that’s the exception. That aside, I always love it. Can’t help wondering where everyone’s going and what they’re doing…

    • Inhale confidence, exhale doubt

      Hi Sunday crew! Dave and I are sat watching the football having had the yummiest and biggest of full Englishes this morning. The sun’s shining, but it is really chilly so I’m curled up on the sofa under a blanket. It’s October! Can you believe it? Time’s flying. Not going to lie, I’m excited about Christmas already.

      It’s been a really good weekend. My mum cooked an amazing casserole on Friday evening. Friday night I was out with friends in town. Saturday morning was a lazy hazy one. I met one of my best friends for lunch once I got moving. We went all out and ordered three courses. It was pretty wonderful. Turns out Hunter’s Chicken is great hangover food.

      Lacking confidence going into this week. I’ve got my first meeting about the new job. Hoping all goes well. Just need to remember that it could be a complete disaster and all would still be alright in the end. Can only give it my best shot and that’s what I’m going to do. Not sure even singing will make these butterflies go away though. Be rooting for me!

    • New Job Nerves

       

      “Today is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present.”

      My mum’s ironing and singing the Strictly Come Dancing theme tune. My dad’s fixing a hole in one of the bedroom ceilings. I’m studying. Yep, that’s right, I’ve finally made a start on the music therapy reading. I’m finding it SO interesting which is a really good sign I think. From the looks of it my sister is studying too. She’s got GCSEs this year. I do not envy her. My brother’s still away at uni. Goodness do I miss him.

      My auntie’s popping by in a bit to say hello. I’m off to the cinema this afternoon with one of my best friends to see Bridget Jones’ Baby, which is supposed to be hilarious! I hope it lives up to expectations. I’ll let you know. AND roast dinner’s still on the cards for this evening. It is Sunday after all.

      Still trying to remember to take things a day at a time. I think looking too far ahead is especially dangerous on Sundays when the Sunday scaries are looming and anxiety is waiting to pounce. Right now, the thought of working a whole week in this school makes me so nervous. The pupils are lovely, the staff are amazing, it’s a great school, everything I’m going to be doing there is so relevant to my music therapy studies and I’ve so much to learn from them all, but I just cannot shake the butterflies! I do hope they enjoyed meeting me. More than anything I just don’t want to be rubbish at the job.

      I’ve now also taken a weekend job at a restaurant in town and I’m so excited about that. Having a little extra money coming in will be excellent and I’ve always enjoyed working in hospitality. Fingers crossed funding a music therapy masters will become a real possibility and I’ll have a lot of fun too.

      Hopefully when I’m blogging this time next week the millions of butterflies I’m battling now will be a distant memory and I’ll have had the best of weeks. One day at a time. First things first, pick up my pen and get back to my books. Today’s a good day.

    • The only way is up

      I’m in the kitchen with my mum, bacon’s in the frying pan, I’ve got a cup of tea in hand and I’m a happy bunny. I’m wearing my roughest jeans and a hoodie and I’ve definitely got that Sunday feeling.

      Work last week was better than I ever could have imagined. I went back into the school on Monday a nervous wreck of a Bronwen, but when I left that afternoon I’d found my confidence again. Honestly, just like that. It was like something clicked and I finally got over the fact it was all new and it started to feel familiar.

      I knew I was comfortable when I found myself singing everywhere I went.

      I’m more addicted to The Walking Dead than ever, so studying for my potential music therapy course has kind of gone out of the window. In a way though, I felt like I was studying all week at the school. At the risk of sounding like a complete nerd, I couldn’t help thinking about the ways Music Therapy could be applied everywhere I went.

      This week’s my training week at the restaurant and I’m so excited! Will be great to meet everyone more than anything. No Sunday scaries ahead of this new job; I just can’t wait to get stuck in and start earning the money to make my dreams come true.

    • Sick from work, not sick of it

      Last week was great. Exhausting, but great. I was at the restaurant all day every day except Thursday (Thursday, Dave and I and his family went to see Manchester United play at Old Trafford. They played much better than they did against Chelsea today, thank goodness. It was a really great match, well worth the trek up there and back. We won 4-1 and a couple of the goals were absolutely brilliant.). I’m going to be working with a really lovely team of people who I already feel like I can be my weird and wonderful self around. I still can’t carry plates or trays confidently, but hey, everyone else seems confident I’ll get there. Friday night we went out as a staff team and all had such a good time. I’m so excited for the restaurant opening. As well as a little nervous, of course.

      Yesterday was a lovely day. I caught up with one of my best friends over coffee. We had fish and chips from the chip shop for dinner. I watched Strictly live, for what will probably be the last time this year. (Saturday nights will be spent in the restaurant from now on.) Dave came over later on. We stuck Bicentennial Man on my TV, managed about ten minutes and then fell asleep.

      All that’s great and wonderful aside, I’ve got the worst of colds and I feel very sorry for myself. My head literally feels the size of Jupiter. Seeing as, for the near future, I’m going to be working in a school and a busy restaurant, I’ve a feeling I need to get used to fighting off the common cold. Problem is, every time I have a cold I’m convinced it’s the worst one I’ve ever had.

      This one is the worst. Honest. The pile of tissues next to my laptop is pretty sizeable. All day I’ve been devoted to mission 101; get rid of cold before training week number two. I’ve drunk lots of coffee, water and orange juice and I’ve eaten heaps. They say feed a cold, whoever they are. Here’s hoping I’ve done enough.

    • Monday’s the new Sunday

      Sun’s shining. I slept in until 10. I’m still in my pyjamas. I’ve done my washing and tidied my room. Other than that, I spent the morning lounging in bed reading and I’ve spent the majority of this afternoon watching The Walking Dead. There’s no roast dinner cooking. That’s the only way I know it’s not Sunday. Just cooked myself up some pasta though and although it’s nothing in comparison, it is pretty yummy.

      Life’s a little crazy. Last week, my only day off was Thursday and this week I don’t have a day off. I’m back at the restaurant waitressing tonight and the days that I’m not there this week, I’ll be at the school. The days are merging into one. Weekends are a thing of the past. First week spent properly working two jobs and for now I’m feeling positive. I’m not grumbling! I’m happily busy and whenever I do get a moment to chill I’m making the most of it.

      Working at the restaurant is great fun. There’s a real team spirit and no matter how much I complain about my feet hurting, I really enjoy myself while I’m there. There’s so much to think about, I don’t dwell on anything else either.

      I’m so excited about getting back into the school this week too! I enjoyed my last week there so much and hope it’ll get better and better moving forwards. With half term behind us, I’m looking forward to the lead up to Christmas too.

      For a while there I thought I was crazy to take on more work; I wasn’t sure if taking a waitressing position was at all the right thing to do. I’m an easily stressed person, creating an easily stressful life for myself BUT I am glad I applied and so glad they hired me. I stand by the fact when it comes to life, there is not right or wrong thing to do. It’s all a matter of trial and error. I tried and I’m a happy bunny. No stressed face yet. Here’s hoping the smile sticks.

    • No rest for the wicked

      Or so the saying goes. Luckily for me, wickedness aside, I’ve finally got a day off today.

      I’m sat in my room with the curtains closed, because it may only be half four, but it is dark outside already! I’ve lit candles and I’ve got Spotify shuffling through my favourite playlist. I’ve eaten a cooked breakfast and a roast lunch. I had a lay-in and a short nap this afternoon. I’m living a life of luxury for the day!

      One of my best friends and I are making exciting travelling plans. Watch this space. I’ve started drinking Twining’s Christmas Tea again already. Couldn’t resist. I’m reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban again. I’m finally nearly caught up with the Walking Dead. I watched the first episode of Season 7 yesterday. Gobsmacked.

      Speaking of gobsmacked, Donald Trump is president of the United States. I was terrified when the result came through. For a morning I considered gathering everyone I love and migrating to Iceland. I had a discussion with my dad about the likelihood of nuclear war and he brought me back down to Earth. I cannot understand how Trump won so many votes. Now I’m just hopeful that he’ll pleasantly surprise us all. If he doesn’t, here’s hoping his powers are restricted.

      Planet Earth II’s on tonight. After last week’s epic episode I cannot wait to see what else David Attenborough and the team have in store for us. Cosy evening in front of the tv for me at the end of a thoroughly relaxing day. Feeling rejuvenated and believe it or not, a little melancholy. Enough of nothing. Looking forward to the busy week ahead.

    • Let her sleep for when she wakes she will move mountains

      Today is my grandad’s and my sister’s birthday. Waking up this morning and jumping out of bed to give them my birthday wishes made me so happy.

      I’ve been at work for most of the afternoon so I’m now feasting on left over birthday cake and drinking the last of the red wine. I did feel a little down about the fact I had to work, but all in all I think it’s worked out okay: I got home in time to see them blow out their birthday candles and it seems to me the two of them have had really lovely days. Well deserved too!

      It’s been another long and busy week. Not all work this week though. Managed to fit in an afternoon with the Alzheimer’s Society, an evening with Dave and a couple of evenings with friends. Spent Thursday night drinking cocktails which made a very nice change from carrying them on trays.

      Can’t quite believe how quickly Christmas is coming up. Going to have to start making some time for Christmas shopping too. Can definitely tell winter is on the way. I’ve attached the fur back onto the hood of my coat, my scarf rack is out from behind the cupboard and so are my winter boots.

      Another busy week ahead, for now I’m just looking forward to an early night. Bed’s going to feel amazing – it always does when you’re tired, especially when you’ve had a glass of wine.

    • A wonderful Christmas time

      I’m sat in the lounge drinking tea. I’m surrounded by Christmas decorations. The fireplace is cluttered with ornamental robins, Santas, snowmen and candles. The darker it gets outside, the brighter the lights on the tree and in the window shine. The whole room looks cheerful and I feel cheerful too.

      I had a piano lesson this afternoon. It’s been nearly five years since I gave up on my grade 5 and decided to focus on my singing. Now that I’m making money again I figure I can afford to allocate funds to getting back on the music band wagon. I’m so excited to be getting back into it again. The lesson was amazing… Just like back in the good old days: I’ve even got a practice diary.

      Had a singing lesson last week too! There’s a strong possibility I’m going to be singing in concerts come April next year and as nervous as the thought of that makes me, it’ll be so good to be performing again.

      I’ve one day off this week and it’s tomorrow. I’m going Christmas shopping with one of my best friends and I am so looking forward to it. She’s studying in Cambridge so it’s a chance to get away for the day as well. It’ll be a day full of laughter I’m sure. We both shop alike, so even though we’ve both got loads of presents to buy, it should be a stress free day. We’ll stop for plenty of tea and cake too. We’re going to need it.

      I’m still working lots. If you spoke to any of my friends they’d probably tell you I’m a tired mess, but I’m not. I enjoy a grumble over how much work I’m doing and how my feet permanently hurt and how my body clock can’t work out when to sleep and when to wake up anymore, but really, I’m doing alright. I still fit down time in here and there.

      It’s the most wonderful time of year and so far, I’m still loving hearing the Christmas songs everywhere I go.

    • Resolving to be more daring

      Last time I wrote I was going Christmas shopping and now Christmas has been and gone and a new year has begun. Can you believe it?

      I ended the school term on a high – my position at the school having come to an end. On my last day, everyone wished me well and said they hoped I’d pop by from time to time and that I’d stick with it, no-matter how long it takes. I’ve learned so much from my months there. Becoming a music therapist won’t be easy and it may be way in my future yet, but I’ve found a real passion and for that, I am grateful.

      Over the Christmas holidays, I’ve seen so much of my family and friends. I’ve eaten so much good food and I’ve received so many wonderful gifts. I couldn’t be more grateful or anymore filled with joy.

      I was working last night when the clocks struck midnight and 2017 began, but it was still a surprisingly good start to the year: My manager bought bubbly and we all had a glass when the time came.

      Every year I claim I don’t care. New year’s day? Just another day innit? Really, I’m so excited. I love a fresh start. I’m a sucker for a new years resolution. I love opening up a new calender and starting a new diary. I’ve three diaries this year. One wonderfully ordinary. One beautiful travel journal. And the last is a journal of 365 acts of bravery. ‘Do one thing every day that scares you’.  That’s what it says. It’s filled with motivational quotes and in the front it says that the challenge is attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt. What’s not to love!?

      The journal was a Christmas gift and is the inspiration behind my New Year’s resolution. I don’t know what this year is going to bring. Whatever the year throws at me, I’m going to be more daring. Say yes more. It’s going to be great. I last pledged to be more daring at the start of 2011 and I had the best time. This year’s my year for being brave again.

      I’m not sure what I’ve done today that was daring. Perhaps my brave act for today is still to come. What I can tell you is that the quote in my diary for today is…

      “Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.” I like it. We all ought to stick our necks out a little more often.

    • To New Beginnings

      This year was for being daring, right?

      I put an offer down on a flat with Dave, we got it, I handed in my notice at work, two weeks later we’ve got the keys and I’m moving to Watford!

      I’m moving into a new flat, in a new town and I’m going to be living like a real-life adult! For the first time in forever, Dave and I won’t be in a long distance relationship. Quite the opposite, we’ll be seeing each other every day (I hope he knows what he’s in for). The flat is lovely and my job at the restaurant may be fun, but it was never forever. Call me irresponsible, but I ran out of reasons not to go for it and so I did, I said yes and I couldn’t be happier.

      Saying that, I’m currently sat in the middle of my floor, staring at my wardrobe and willing the clothes to fold and pack themselves. This leaving home malarky is as stressful as it is exciting and it is very exciting! Perhaps packing clothes can wait for now. With the help of my mum and a good friend I’ve made a lot of progress today anyway!

      I hate to say it, but I think that’s a wrap on chapter two. No sad faces here though, this ending is the start of an exciting new beginning. Next time I write I should be in the flat! I’m smiling hugely just at the thought of it. Chapter three begins soon. Bring it on.

    Twenty Twenty-Five