Blogging Goodbye to Butterflies

Tag: adulting

  • Life doesn’t stop because you’re house hunting 🏘️

    Life doesn’t stop because you’re house hunting 🏘️

    Dave and I’s first day of house viewings was a little disheartening, but the second day (crammed full of twice as many viewings) was much more promising. We’ve not found our future home yet, but we have gotten to a point where we’re much more clued up on what our actual deal breakers are and what we love in a house.

    I genuinely went into our search thinking all we needed was any house with a roof, walls, three bedrooms and a garden. I’d never really paid much attention to how different houses are. We’ve seen so many different types of 3 bedroom house and it turns out it’s all so much more complicated.

    I’ve gone from impatiently revisiting every Rightmove listing wondering if there’s a house we’ve overlooked or could make work, to realising that we should take this slow. We’re in the extremely privileged position of being able to take our time searching and I think that’d be the first bit of advice I’d give to anyone looking to buy a home – if you have the luxury of time, don’t rush it.

    Another reason to take it slow is that, life hasn’t stopped for the house search. And for a little while there, I was definitely overdoing it. Work has been busy as ever and there’s been a lot else exciting going on besides us scrolling Rightmove on the daily. In fact, it’s been a hectic few weeks since I last wrote.

    My Dad and I road tripped up to Manchester to see my little brother and his girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. They live in this super cool flat, on the one-from-the-top floor of a block of flats, with incredible views of the Manchester city skyline. We spent two days eating yummy food, catching up on life and seeing some of the sights. I started to feel a little poorly while we were there and was grateful to be with family, able to take things in my stride – on the Saturday afternoon, when I ran out of energy all together, we all went back to the flat to cosy down with tea and snacks and watch the most random movie on Disney +.

    It was just a cold. I thought I was going to be able to push through a week working from home when Monday came around, but it actually hit me pretty hard! By Wednesday, I was crying on the sofa feeling totally drained and too snotty to mention.

    I did thankfully recover in time for our second lot of house viewings that weekend.

    Then, this week just gone, Dave and I’s boiler broke down. The pressure dropped, the error light came on, we reported the fault and next thing we knew, an engineer was sticking a ‘DO NOT USE’ warning sticker on the front of it and telling us we’d need a replacement. I had two cold showers in the time it was out of action and I must say, whilst I will probably never choose to do it again (especially not in autumn) I did feel the benefits you always hear about.,, I felt energised and refreshed and I’m sure my hair was softer too.

    The new boiler was fitted on Friday and I’m incredibly grateful to be living in a home with hot water again.

    Yesterday, I spent a wonderfully autumnal day at Kew with one of my best friends. We wandered among the trees and leaves, caught up on life, drank tea and cake and finished the day with red wine and pie at a pub nearby.

    And now here I am. Curled up on the sofa at the end of a very lazy day, but still shattered. Looking forward to an evening eating chicken, broccoli and roast potatoes and catching up on Strictly Come Dancing. Can you imagine an evening more wholesome?

  • Way more than 66 Books 📚

    Way more than 66 Books 📚

    Yesterday I went to book lover heaven. My friend and I met for a super scummy brekky and a catch up, before hopping in an Uber to 66 Books to go book shopping!

    For those who don’t already know, 66 Books, is a fully operational book warehouse in Hertfordshire which a company called 66 Book Club open up to the public once or twice a month. This means, on those open days (check out the book club’s FB page for dates: https://www.facebook.com/@66bookclub/) you can explore the aisles full of books for as long as you’d like. It’s like having access to a massive library – except the books aren’t categorised by author, title or genre and are (we assumed) sorted by some kind of mysterious warehouse coding system.

    Not only can you explore, but after you’ve browsed the shelves you can buy as many books as you like for 70% off retail price (once you’ve paid £2 for membership of the book club)! We queued from about 12:20pm until about 3pm (so just under three hours) but it was so worth it! We both came away happily with bundles of books and full book loving hearts.

    And today!? Today, Dave and I are on our house hunt! I can’t believe we’re actually here. We’re back in our home town and we’re actually potentially going to look at our future home. My tummy is butterfly central, but mostly in a good way.

    I know it’s most likely we’ll spend a lot longer searching before putting in any offers, but these houses are really very promising prospects… I think.

    My friend patiently spent a solid amount of our time queueing yesterday going through the Rightmove listings with me and weighing up pros and cons. I have been finding it really hard to imagine what these homes would look like once we’d made them ours, but talking through imaginary colour schemes and furniture layouts with her really helped.

    Stay tuned to find out how we get on and thanks as always for being along for the ride.

  • Daydreamer 💭

    Daydreamer 💭

    I Just Turned Thirty and There Are Some Exciting Life Changes Ahead: I’m Trying to Stay Present and Make the Most of This Summer while Dreaming of a Future House with a Garden.

    I’ve been trying my absolute hardest not to grumble about the heat this week and I’ve felt better for finding a way to be positive about the fact it’s summer. And that’s not to say I haven’t loved all of the autumnal content popping up from my fellow autumn/winter lovelies, but embracing summer and all the joyous things that come with it has helped to turn my frown upside down.

    I’ve enjoyed iced coffees and sandals and summer dresses and hummus and salad and smoothies. I’ve always loved seeing green leaves against blue skies and I’ve spent more time outside this week, which has meant I’ve been able to appreciate clear skies to the fullest.

    I really don’t want to wish the time away, but I’ve also spent a lot of time day-dreaming about what life will be like if we can find ourselves a house with a garden that we can afford. It’s looking like that could be on the cards for us at the end of this year and I’m so excited. It’s the little things that would make summer with a garden even better… Tea or coffee outside in the fresh morning air. BBQ food for dinner with friends or family. The cats rolling in the grass and playing amongst the trees.

    There’s little things about simply living in a house too… Going upstairs to go to bed and back downstairs in the morning. Having bins at the end of the front garden and a slot for post in the front door, so the post just lands on the hallway mat. Hopefully, being able to pop cut flowers in a vase on the kitchen table without worrying about the cats, who will have already dined on the grass outside.

    Oh dear, there I go again.

    I love our flat and I really am determined to make the most of our remaining time here, however long that is, but it’s okay to daydream about the future too I reckon. As long as you remember to come back to the present frequently enough to enjoy the now as well. Right now for example, I’m curled up in my comfiest PJs, I’ve a cup of tea on the go and I’m looking forward to a day with family. Happy Sunday all!

  • Thirty and Thriving 🙌

    Thirty and Thriving 🙌

    It’s Sunday, the sun is shining and we’ve a roast dinner cooking away – nothing makes me happier than a day like this one. We’ve got family staying, I’m one beer down and I’m feeling more chilled than I have in ages. (Besides the football nerves of course – it’s been a nervy couple of weeks for England fans across the country and tonight’s game could be a turning point. Yes, I’m remaining optimistic!)

    My 30th has been and gone and it was FAB, but unfortunately it did coincide with a particularly stressful time at work and between full-on working days and celebrations I’ve barely had a moment to breathe.

    It always says something when I’m feeling like writing again. It says I’m coming out of the other side, my brain is clear of fog and the butterflies are less consuming. Hooray to that and thanks for sticking with me while Chapter Seven hit pause for a short while.

    Even full of brain fog and butterflies, 30 has brought with it a new confidence for me.

    I confess, I had a mini-meltdown on my birthday eve. All I could think was how much I hadn’t done yet. Suddenly my biggest regret in all the world was not having run a half marathon for example, in spite of the fact I’ve never enjoyed running and I’ve never even completed Couch to 5K. BUT since then, I’ve found being 30 somehow has me feeling like I can own my space more and like I’ve earned the right to live authentically and with confidence.

    Thirty has me ordering whisky neat, popping prosecco open without faffing and aiming higher at work and I’m excited to see how long I can ride this wave for.

    I’m so grateful to every person who chose to celebrate with me. I felt so loved throughout my birthday celebrations and there can be no doubt that’s brought me closer to the place I’m in now.

    Now, I know age is just a number. And if you’re reading this in your early twenties, please don’t let your age stop you from owning your space right now. Or if you’re way past 30 and still not feeling confident, please don’t let this make you feel you’re behind – you’re wonderful as you are and everyone is on their own timeline.

    But if you’re reading this on your approach to thirty, worried about reaching the milestone without having done everything you expected, please know that it’s not an ending. It’s just the beginning and there’s so much to be excited about yet. Celebrate all that you have achieved and own your space knowing you’re going into life’s next chapter with more wisdom than you’ve ever had before. In my timeline, I’ve a feeling thirty is where I start to come into my own.

  • Fake it ’til you make it 🍹

    Fake it ’til you make it 🍹

    My cheeks feel warm and rosy, in that way they only do after a couple of days out in the sunshine. Those chilly gale force winds seem to have passed through and this weekend has been verging on summery!

    It turns out Angel, Islington is the perfect place to spend a sunny Saturday afternoon. Yesterday was spent window shopping, brunch eating and wandering around with a bestie and what felt like the entire population of London. So many people had decided Angel was the place to be! People watching on the train on the way in, I couldn’t help noticing how energised people were by the sunshine. I noticed some people had proceeded with caution – opting for layers – whilst others had gone full steam ahead into flip-flops, dresses and summer hats. My outfit landed somewhere in the middle and I was grateful for my cardigan by the end of the day.

    I was certain I’d been to Angel before, but if I have I’ve clearly never stumbled upon the markets and the cute shops because I’d have remembered if I had. I was absolutely in my element! I could have bought the entire contents of one particularly cute book shop and nearly everything in an independent home store.

    We were in Angel to view a space above a pub, which we’re booking to celebrate our 30th birthdays in. It’s absolutely perfect and I’m now more excited about my birthday than ever. We both left absolutely buzzing and headed straight to a pub with outside seating for an Aperol Spritz each and a couple of glasses of wine.

    I spent today wandering around town with another bestie, fuelled by coffee and nattering about work, life and all that we have to look forward to over the next few years.

    It really feels like we’re proper grown ups nowadays. And yet there’s still so much I’m trying to figure out. On one hand, I can’t wait for what’s to come – I know I cannot wait to buy a house and decorate it the way I like, but on the other, I’ve quite enjoyed renting free from worries about decorating and handling repairs. I feel almost ready to be a Mum, but at times I can barely handle worrying about the cats. Sometimes I feel like I’m really acing it at work and others I feel like I’m just faking it till I make it. I walked down the Superdrug make-up aisle today and realised I may know which mascaras I like and don’t like, but I’ve still no idea how to use lip liner or a highlighter pen. I can walk into a pub and confidently browse the wine menu, but I’ll still pay closer attention to the prices than the descriptions of the wines themselves.

    I guess even when you’re all grown up, you’re always learning hey? It’s kind of comforting to think that being an adult isn’t something you can just level up into. I think the closer to 30 I get, the more I realise that even real, proper grown-ups don’t have it all figured out. We just take the lemons life gives us and we get better and better at making lemonade. It helps to have good friends that’s for sure. Especially the kind of friends who will take your picture when your drink perfectly matches your blouse or who will help you search for the perfect pressed powder when the make-up aisle has you feeling clueless, flustered and like you’re 16 again.

  • Healthy Changes 🪟

    Healthy Changes 🪟

    Some New Healthy Daily Habits Have Helped With My Mental and Physical Wellbeing.

    I’ve made a few really healthy changes this week and I’m well chuffed about it.

    We re-arranged my desk on Monday so that I can see out of the window more easily. When I’m sat at my desk working, no-matter how confident and motivated I feel, I’m filled with adrenaline. I imagine this feeling is heightened for me, because I’m a nervous Nellie, but this is probably the case for most of us: We’re switched on when we’re at our desk, especially when we’re keeping a lot of plates spinning.

    Looking out of the window, even if just for a moment, helps me to breathe deeper. It’s made such a huge difference.

    Moving my desk around has also allowed me to create space for writing and planning. When I ordered one of Papier’s daily planners last year, I did it for what I now think were all the wrong reasons. The perfectionist in me imagined it would allow me to live the ‘perfect’ life, never forget anything again and achieve way more every day.

    I’ve picked it back up again, but this time simply to get a little more organised. I’m also using the habit tracker more consistently, but I’m starting achievable habits. I’ve been trying to eat a piece of fruit a day for example. And I’ve pledged to get moving each day.

    We also worked out this week that, with my Chilly’s bottle only holding 500ml of water, I need to drink at least 4 bottles a day to be fully hydrated! FOUR! Is is just me that never realised just how much water we need in our life? I drink water all the time and still only re-fill my bottle once a day! This week I’ve been consciously trying to be better and it could be the placebo effect, but I swear I feel better already.

    Bank holiday weekend has been for quality time with our nearest and dearest. Coming to you today from the sofa at my Granny and Grandad’s beautiful home. I can hear the clock ticking, the oven whirring and not much else and in spite of lack of sleep, I am feeling calmer than I have in a while.

    Happy Easter to those who celebrate! And to those who don’t, Happy Sunday. Hope yours also brings you calm, even if only for a moment.

  • Saying Goodbye: Family time in the Scottish Highlands

    Saying Goodbye: Family time in the Scottish Highlands

    It’s been some time since my last post, it’s nearly party season and I’m still nowhere near full of beans.

    I am up early today and packed for a few days away in the BEAUTIFUL Scottish Highlands with family. We’re staying in Kinlochleven – a village that’s full of special memories for us a family. My Auntie Debra lived in a lovely little flat in the village until she died in September 2020. We’re headed up to say one final goodbye to the place she called home and hand the keys over so that someone else can go on to make magical memories there.

    We’ve got a long drive ahead of us and the next few days may be hard at times, but I’m in high spirits right now and looking forward to quality time with some of my nearest and dearest, whatever the circumstances. The last time I was in Kinlochleven, I ordered the scrummiest meat and potatoes in a local pub. And I enjoyed so many wonderful walks around Loch Leven itself. This time, I should be able to do all of those things again, but whilst also supporting my Mum and her younger sister and making time to remember and reflect.

    It’s been a shaky few weeks already. Life’s had me permanently frazzled, wandering when I’m going to fall flat on my face and mess it all up. I keep thinking I’m going to forget something important or drop the ball on something. BUT I’m here now having survived it all and somehow kept on top of things. And I’m going to get through the next few days too.

    I think the older I get, the more I’m learning that you can only be so prepared. In fact, people rarely feel fully prepared for anything. We’re all just figuring it out as we go.

  • All Storms Really Do Pass

    All Storms Really Do Pass

    Honestly? This week wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. On Tuesday, returning to work after the bank holiday, I had a really rubbish brain day. My head was full of fluff and anxiety and everything felt difficult. I stumbled through, but by the end of it, I had a mighty tension headache and tears in my eyes. Luckily, I have some wonderful people around me who got me through and I went to sleep full of pasta and feeling more human.

    By Friday, I was headed into London for a day at the office and the butterflies were a distant memory. And things just got better from there. Being in the office rejuvenated me and left me feeling more motivated on the work front. Seeing some lovely colleagues gave me a proper boost too. And then Friday night we saw some friends who never fail to chill me out and make me smile. I woke up yesterday morning full of beans and ready to enjoy a night away with Dave.

    I woke up this Sunday morning to the sound of rain hammering away on the wooden roof of the glamping pod we were staying in. Boiling the kettle to make a cup of tea, to sip in front of the rainy window, felt like the perfect way to welcome in Autumn.

    Now we’re home and the flat is as warm as it was in the summer, even with the blinds doing their best to keep the sun at bay and us cool. I don’t mind too much though. I’m in a comfy dress with a glass of water on the go and the memories of our cosy morning still fresh in my mind.

    And so there you have it: All storms really do pass. And if you’re feeling sucky right now, take care of yourself, reach out for support and trust the process. You’ll find the fog will clear and one day soon you’ll feel a bit more like facing whatever is in your path. And I hope at that point, some good stuff comes your way and makes you smile too.

  • Travelling With Butterflies: Navigating Anxiety Whilst Abroad

    Travelling With Butterflies: Navigating Anxiety Whilst Abroad

    Back on home turf and reflecting on an incredible weekend away in Italy spent sticking a middle finger up at all of the anxious thoughts that told me I couldn’t enjoy it.

    Travelling feels daunting to most of us regardless of our mental wellness. I think it’s natural. As someone who struggles with anxiety a lot, it can be even more scary.

    In advance, I worried about whether things would be awkward between me and the friend I was travelling with. I worried about running out of money or whether the trip would be worth the money I’d already spent. I felt super nervous about not being able to fluently speak the language and about being so far from home. I worried about having an anxiety attack and not being able to get to somewhere where I’d feel safe.

    And that was all no doubt exasperated by the fact it’s been ages since I left the UK. Many of us have spent more time at home during the pandemic than ever before and if you’re anything like me, you’ve gotten used to living in your comfort zone.

    As an overthinker, I get a foggy head in high anxiety situations. And this happens more frequently in unknown territory.

    For the first few days of the holiday, I valued time in my hotel room to recharge and I found it hard to ground myself whilst out and about exploring. That first day of travelling was the most stressful. I felt hot and tense and flustered for most of it. When I landed in Verona, just getting the bus into the town centre was nearly too much. The bus conductor got stroppy with me when I approached him for a ticket, having not noticed the ticket machine at the bus stop and that alone had me wanting to board a flight straight back to rainy London.

    I knew I was getting there when I started to notice the little things. There was a moment at the end of a long day in Venice when I looked up from where I was sat, waiting for a water taxi, took a deep breath and just took in the view.

    From there on in, it was like the butterflies decided they needed a rest from flapping. Almost as though they’d worked double time for the first half of the holiday and couldn’t keep it up any longer. And so, I can genuinely say I relaxed for the last few days.

    I wish I could say exactly what I did to get through the anxiety and out the other side. I guess the main thing I’d advise you to do is be patient with yourself. I’m glad I didn’t beat myself up when I found the first few days tough. I didn’t overthink or stress when I couldn’t finish my dinner or found myself lingering in my hotel room for longer than planned. And in the end, the gentle approach got me through.

    And I’m so proud. Proud of finding the courage to travel again even when it felt daunting and excited for all of the travels still to come. There’s hope for all of us anxious folk yet. I promise!

  • Week Nine: Normality is underrated and not to be taken for granted

    Week Nine: Normality is underrated and not to be taken for granted

    Monday morning I rolled over to grab the tv remote, turned on the news and snoozed for ten minutes. I rolled out of bed and into the shower. I didn’t have time for a cuppa (because of the snooze – so worth it on a Monday morning) and I headed straight to the station once I was showered and dressed.

    Pause there – I have to mention the weather.  The weather in England, was unheard of at the start of this week. In England, for three days it was t shirt weather. It was unseasonably warm and bright and sunny. The daffodils came out and everything.

    Monday night, I got home, Dave and I cooked dinner together and then we watched TV until I fell asleep on him and had to go to bed.

    Tuesday evening I met one of my best friends for dinner and we chatted away about books and music and exciting upcoming events (including one of our best friend’s wedding, eek!). My Gourmet Burger Kitchen burger was amazing and I journeyed home with my head in my book and smile on my face.

    Wednesday was a normal working from home day. I did two loads of washing. I cleaned the bathroom and kitchen on my lunch break. I was in my element with the sun shining and the windows open and music playing. Another bud on the orchid that I have successfully grown, flowered beautifully. (Yes, I have successfully gotten an orchid to flower! Am I a real life adult now?) I played piano before dinner and then Dave and I cooked steaks and watched Oceans 8.

    Thursday evening I met my sister for dinner which was super lovely. We had the best of evenings and I hope we’ll meet for dinner like that more often from now on. Sister time is golden.

    Dave and I stayed at our friends’ on Friday night. They’re the best hosts ever and it was super chilled and super fun.

    Saturday afternoon, once Dave and I were home, we just chillaxed. I read and snoozed on the sofa. We had chilli for dinner. We watched Goodfellas, which I totally agree is one of the best films ever. We drank wine and didn’t clock watch. I love not having to watch the clock on Friday and Saturday nights!

    Right now, I’m sat on the sofa trying and failing to eat hula hoops, because I’ve put a face mask on and it’s dried too much for me to open my mouth. I woke up with a tummy full of butterflies and I felt like my head might explode. But I knew exactly what I had to do: I opened up the notes app on my phone and titled the note ‘Things that are stressing me out’. Then I wrote everything down until I felt better. I had a chat with my Dad which cheered me up no end. (Shout out to my Dad!). And now I’m committed to an afternoon of relaxation to make sure the butterflies are behind me.

    I’ve always been more than happy to natter away openly about my anxiety and the challenges I am facing. The problem with writing a personal blog is that there is often stuff that happens in life that it’s not your place to share with the whole world wide web.

    When I wrote at the end of Week Four, I mentioned that the year had gotten off to a tough start and I couldn’t really say anymore than that. I can’t really say anymore than that even now.

    What I will say is that I’ve come to the realisation that normality is underrated and routine is not to be taken for granted. When things are ticking along just fine, we often find ourselves complaining we’re bored, but we don’t realise how lucky we are. Because when life turns upside down, you’ll find all you want is for life to go back to being boring again. 

    I’m so glad March has come around. Spring in on the way and things can only get better.

  • Week Four: Celebrating Small Wins

    Week Four: Celebrating Small Wins

    Week four of 2019 began, for all of us, with Blue Monday. On Blue Monday, I felt surprisingly yellow. I spent the tube journey smiling to myself like a fool. I was determined not to let the whole ‘Blue Monday’ label convince me that it was going to be a difficult day. After all, I did a little bit of research and it turns out that Blue Monday is a term which was created by a holiday company just to sell trips abroad! I’d had a wonderful weekend with a lovely friend and it’d left me feeling refreshed and determined. I’d decided this week was my do-over. Chapter five, take two.

    It’s been a tough start to the year, for reasons I can’t really share with the world wide web. This was the first week I was back to some kind of normality again. This week, I had to go back to answering the question ‘How are you?’ without crying. In the end, this week was definitely a week for cutting myself some slack and giving myself a pat on the back for the little things I did better. Tough start to the year or not, I think we should all get better at rewarding ourselves for the small, everyday successes. Life’s not easy, even at the best of times…

    Tuesday I worked from home, caught up on some studying, got myself organised for the rest of the week and made a sandwich for lunch on Wednesday. (making the sandwich was a step in the right direction sure, but it took all of two minutes, which did cause me to question why I ever spend money on lunch and can’t seem to make time to simply butter some bread and stick some ham on it every evening).

    On Wednesday morning the butterflies woke up when I did and I wanted to hide away at home and go back to sleep. I perked myself up, kicked myself into action and that night, spent a lovely evening with a group of friends at an amazing italian restaurant called Pasta Brown. It’s in Covent Garden and if you haven’t been and you can go, you should. I had the Penne Pasta Brown and a slice of chocolate fudge cake and left very full and very happy. So full and happy that I fell asleep at 9:30pm, shortly after getting home.

    The week soon came to an end and it’s been a chilled weekend thank goodness. Yesterday morning’s lie-in made me feel brand new. I left bed to grab tea, breakfast and my book. I then sat with the tv on (Saturday Kitchen made good background) and read, in bed, until lunch time.  In the afternoon Dave and I headed into London to meet two friends for a drink and a bite to eat. We hadn’t seen them in FOREVER and it was super lovely to catch up.

    I was up reading late last night and indulged in another glorious lie-in this morning. I’m now nearly half way through Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine and I am COMPLETELY hooked. It’s amazing.

    Now Week Four’s nearly over and I’m just pleased I got up and at ’em every day and I was organised for once.

    Dave and I are headed back to Chelmsford for the day today. Roast dinner at my mum and dad’s and over to see his parents’ too. I love Sundays.

    2019 is just beginning. Plenty of time for resolutions yet.

  • Week One: Fireworks at Embankment and a New Year Declutter

    Week One: Fireworks at Embankment and a New Year Declutter

    This week began with New Year’s Eve. I was lucky enough to be working from home; allowing me enough time to get ready and get on a train, with Dave, into London before the rush hour. I’ve only ever been into London once on New Year’s Eve before and even then, steered clear of central London. This time, one of my amazing best friends had invited us into her offices near Embankment to watch the fireworks. We took wine and snacks and games and we set up in a meeting room until midnight. At midnight we headed out onto a perfectly positioned balcony where we had the BEST view of the display at the London Eye. I’m not even kidding. It was spectacular and I feel very grateful to have had the chance to experience it like that.

    Getting home was a whole ‘nother adventure. It was as if the world was ending. Lots of the roads were closed, of course. There were people everywhere. There were policemen everywhere. The majority of people were just in very high spirits. There were also people fighting and falling and yelling and shoving. It was complete and utter madness. It was completely surreal. As we wondered through the streets back to the tube station, I felt very free and very scared all at the same time. It was a huge relief to be home when we eventually got here at 3:30 am… Almost as much of a relief as it was to know there was no need to set an alarm in the morning. Here’s to whoever declared New Year’s Day a bank holiday!

    Despite the bank holiday, last week was extremely hard work. I feel like we can all agree on that. Going back to work after the break was harder than ever before… I’m sure of it. The clocks slowed down, I was permanently hungry (not used to keeping to mealtimes I suppose) and suddenly, when Wednesday came around, staying up past 9pm was almost impossible. Wednesday was my first day back in the office and I started off super chirpy. By the time I met a friend for lunch, I was already feeling the January blues. Then, come the evening, I was desperately trying to keep my eyes open, at the pub, with a great group of friends, drinking coca-cola.

    We went to Ikea today and had a proper flat clear out and declutter. I had put the Ikea trip in the diary a while ago and the shopping list had grown longer and longer since then. With the list at the ready, we tried our hardest not to impulse buy, but we did grab a wooden spoon, a couple of fancy hand soap holders and a mini footstool just because.

    I’m super happy with our all new, organised home, but phew am I glad to have it all sorted. I wish I had another day now, just to get a bit more life admin done.

    Now sat here with just a couple of hours to chill before week two, I’m desperately hoping that things will be that little bit easier tomorrow.

    Only 3 months and 13 days until the next bank holiday! We’ve got this.

  • Week Zero

    Week Zero

    I’m curled up on the sofa at my parents’ and I’ve spent the whole day in my PJs. The Christmas tree is twinkling and the living room is super cosy.

    It’s odd isn’t it? This week between Christmas and New Year. No-one knows which day of the week it is. Our New Year’s resolutions don’t need putting into action until January 1st so we’re all in limbo.

    Some people strip the decorations down, find places for all their gifts and spring clean a few months early. Other people cling onto Christmas for as long as humanely possible; cooking turkey everything, leaving the decorations up, watching Christmas films, eating chocolate and being extremely lazy. Others among us sit in traffic and battle the crowds to browse the sale racks for bargains. I myself fully intend to treat myself to some new jeans, that don’t have holes in, asap. Many of us have family and friends to visit and find ourselves doing the rounds. The parents among you have to find ways to entertain the kids until the school term starts again. I do not envy you. Some of you have had to go back to work already. Ugh. Poor you guys.

    New Year’s Resolutions are a funny thing. Why do we feel we need to improve ourselves every year? Why are we so hard on ourselves and why should this year be any different from the last anyway?

    Ridiculously, I always imagine I’ll have sooooo much more time when the new year begins. For example, this year I’m telling myself that I’ll join a couple of fitness classes, sing more, join a choir, find a rehearsal space for songwriting, make my lunch and take it into work every day, study, get out more, stay on top of the laundry and cook proper meals. I’m resolving to do all of these things despite the fact that I struggled through November and December barely finding the time to buy Christmas presents or paint my nails. Supposedly, in January, anything is possible. No wonder we all end up feeling sad and deflated when the 1st Feb comes around.

    I also want to worry less. How I’ll manage that with so many goals to achieve, who knows? Most of all, I just want to worry less about what other people are thinking. I cannot read minds, so why do I waste so much time trying to? What even is the point? It’s irrational and oh, who am I kidding?

    These will be the good old days. Regardless of whether I worry too much or I make time for all of the above, I want to remember that. I want to remember to make the most of every moment because time is flying by.

    HELLO CHAPTER FIVE!

  • Feel Proud of Your Achievements, No Matter How Small

    Feel Proud of Your Achievements, No Matter How Small

    I remember when I went through a phase of wishing and hoping and dreaming of my blog becoming a massive hit and me being given my own column in a hugely famous magazine. I went and read all these posts from other bloggers about how to gain a following and how to keep them captivated.

    Keeping your followers captivated. Rule number one. Write consistently and frequently. One day, the same day, every week or something like that. Every day if possible.

    My inspiration comes and goes. My blogspiration comes at the most random times and goes again in a flash! I admire all of the bloggers and writers out there that have deadlines and meet them. I honestly don’t know if I could ever actually write in such a regulated way and I suppose I’m just grateful for the small following I do have.

    Apparently this is the week everyone gets sick. Monday was National Sickie Day. Unfairly named I’d say, seeing as the vast majority of people probably are genuinely ill and are not just faking it. After all, we’ve been cold for too long. We need spring.

    I tell you what though… Dave’s been nagging me to have Lemon and Ginger tea when I’m full of cold for years and I don’t like lemon so I’ve been ignoring him. Until today that is. Today I’m drinking Pukka’s Lemon, Ginger and Honey tea and my goodness he was right all along! The ultimate cold buster. It’s a shame he’s not here to tell me he told me so.

    Right now I feel blogspired, because I’m ill and mopey and yet I just stuck some music on, grabbed my book, got tea and within a few minutes, perked myself right up! I just caught myself smiling and I felt this overwhelming sense of accomplishment and happiness. Because it’s not always that easy.

    What makes you feel proud might seem to someone else not to be an accomplishment at all. But that’s why we should never ever compare ourselves to others. I think that’s why I wanted to write; just to say I’m proud. And you should be too, of whatever little thing you’ve overcome today.

    Today, I feel proud because I’m home alone and I’m unwell and I’ve no idea what I’m cooking for dinner and usually my butterflies would be fluttering, but instead I’m smiling. Hooray to that!

  • A Vital Life Lesson: There’s Joy in Letting Go, Accepting Change and Staying Put

    I’m the happiest of Bronwens today. Autumn simply is the second most wonderful time of year (Christmas being the most wonderful time of the year, of course) and I’m so happy it is here.

    What’s not to love? Good TV. Jumper weather. Beautiful crisp colourful leaves. Monthly reasons to get together with friends and family and have a good time in the form of Halloween and Bonfire night and Christmas (oops I said it again). Yes, it’s too soon to talk about Christmas, I know, but we all know that really that build up starts here. HOW EXCITING!

    A little life update, before I get onto why I’m writing…

    Tuesday night just gone, Dave and I went to see Foo Fighters at the O2 and it was unforgettable! My goodness what a night. If I didn’t already think they were an incredible band, I do now. They are mind blowing. They all have such presence! They’re all so talented and they’re innovative too. They’re concert was the perfect mix of old and new and even featured Rick Astley! In the flesh. Singing ‘Never gonna give you up’. No word of a lie.

    I also helped out at a couple of Alzheimer’s Society’s memory walks this month and I’m so glad I did. I attended the Watford walk first. The event site was at the bottom of a hill and we’d barely finished setting up before people started emerging over the top in blue memory walk t-shirt after t-shirt. They all looked amazing and even more so when they eventually headed off on the walk itself. I had a lump in my throat for the duration of both events. So many people and each one there for the same incredible cause and all with names and pictures on their back. All remembering someone. It was simply amazing.

    I’m writing because, I’ve had an epiphany. Although it’s been a long time in the making, I feel like I’ve finally made peace with the fact that the Music Therapy masters I’ve been dreaming of doing, might be something I can’t actually get to for a little while.

    Leaving my parents’ home and moving out and moving away from my home town and starting a new job, it all threw me off balance just a little bit. I’ve been tumbling through. And, hey! I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with tumbling through, but whilst life has whizzed by, I have had this annoying, niggling feeling that I’m losing sight of my path and I’m going in the wrong direction.

    But then today, for the first time in my twenties so far, I feel like I’m willing to accept how much priorities have changed. With expenses higher every month, saving for the masters simply isn’t as feasible as I once might have said it was. And I could retreat from my job, get back to the cause and go back to working with children to get the experience, but the money wouldn’t stop being an issue. Truthfully, I also don’t want to do that. I actually love this 9-5 job I’ve stumbled into.

    The wonderful thing is that now I feel more at peace with all of that, I realise I’m perfectly happy staying exactly where I am for a while.

    I feel very lucky to be where I am right now and I know that with enough determination, I can get to where I want to be eventually, BUT I don’t need to jump head first into another deep sea full of unknowns and drag my mental health down again with me. Change hasn’t done me much good in the last few years and things staying the same for a little while could be just the thing.

    There is no wrong direction. Perhaps I’m on a new path that is just as meant for me. For a little while I’m just going to do more of the same. And I’m so excited for all of the joys staying put will bring.

    That’s a wrap on Chapter Three for now. Watch this space – perhaps I’ll be back with a whole new chapter. One about finding joy in letting go and staying put.

  • No rest for the wicked

    Or so the saying goes. Luckily for me, wickedness aside, I’ve finally got a day off today.

    I’m sat in my room with the curtains closed, because it may only be half four, but it is dark outside already! I’ve lit candles and I’ve got Spotify shuffling through my favourite playlist. I’ve eaten a cooked breakfast and a roast lunch. I had a lay-in and a short nap this afternoon. I’m living a life of luxury for the day!

    One of my best friends and I are making exciting travelling plans. Watch this space. I’ve started drinking Twining’s Christmas Tea again already. Couldn’t resist. I’m reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban again. I’m finally nearly caught up with the Walking Dead. I watched the first episode of Season 7 yesterday. Gobsmacked.

    Speaking of gobsmacked, Donald Trump is president of the United States. I was terrified when the result came through. For a morning I considered gathering everyone I love and migrating to Iceland. I had a discussion with my dad about the likelihood of nuclear war and he brought me back down to Earth. I cannot understand how Trump won so many votes. Now I’m just hopeful that he’ll pleasantly surprise us all. If he doesn’t, here’s hoping his powers are restricted.

    Planet Earth II’s on tonight. After last week’s epic episode I cannot wait to see what else David Attenborough and the team have in store for us. Cosy evening in front of the tv for me at the end of a thoroughly relaxing day. Feeling rejuvenated and believe it or not, a little melancholy. Enough of nothing. Looking forward to the busy week ahead.