Blogging Goodbye to Butterflies

Tag: adventures

  • ‘A Sky Full of Stars’: Tales from a long weekend camping in Dartmouth✨

    ‘A Sky Full of Stars’: Tales from a long weekend camping in Dartmouth✨

    This morning I put a torch in the washing machine. I was just finally getting around to doing the last of our dirty washing from our camping trip last weekend and when I heard the clunking, my first thought was that one of us might have picked a pebble up off the beach and left it in a pocket. When I got to the machine though, I could see the end of our torch whizzing around in circles between the clothes, loudly hitting the outside of the machine every now and again.

    I hit the pause button immediately, but even with the machine on pause, the door didn’t open. Next thing I know, I’m on the phone to my Dad, we’re both reading the machine’s manual online and we’re coming to the conclusion that we’re just going to have to let the machine run until the first cycle is over and it can drain. At one point, the water triggered the switch on the torch and the light came on, so that I could see it whizzing around even clearer than before, like a menacing under water disco light. Eventually the cycle ended, the water drained, I hit pause and thankfully, I was able to open the door and retrieve the torch. Now just to figure out how to safely dispose of it, given it will most likely never be safe to use again.

    Luckily, packing for camping went much better than unpacking has. Between us, we really had thought of everything. We filled the car with shoes, canvas bags, portable chargers, towels, snacks, clothes, jackets, sleeping bags, duvets, yoga mats and blankets and off we went. We’d been invited to a join family on a camp site in Dartmouth for a weekend of 60th birthday celebrations and we had such a good time.

    From the moment we arrived, I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. I always love being by the sea and Dartmouth is a particularly lovely seaside town. We enjoyed ice cream and fish and chips galore. We walked up and down a pebbled beach with the happiest of dogs in tow. We went and explored Agatha Christie’s holiday home and I got to play her grand piano!

    Perhaps unsurprisingly, given we were camping in England in September, we dealt with sunshine, rain, wind and cold and yet we made the best of things. When some noisy sheep disrupted our sleep on night one, we left the tent to head to the campsite toilets only to look up and see a deep, dark, beautiful sky full of stars. When we got caught out in the rain on day two, I found myself smiling hugely making my way down a footpath with my backpack on and brolly held high, reminded of rainy, English childhood holidays. And when the wind hammered on the side of the biggest tent on day three, I felt cosier than ever sat in a deck chair, sipping red wine and playing card games.

    All of that said, we returned home more grateful than ever for our bed and our super cosy sofa. And now it’s hard to believe a whole ‘nother week has gone by. In spite of lack of sleep, camping did leave me feeling refreshed and I found myself back at work with a fresh perspective this week. I took it in my stride a little more and was more productive as a result.

    On Thursday, I was out and about in London and was reminded just how much I love the city. Yesterday, my best friend and I were at Welwyn Garden City’s world food fest, enjoying everything from South African to Greek. And today? Today’s a chill day and I find myself feeling tired, but grateful. There’s so much to love about this little life of mine. We’re very quickly headed for my favourite time of year and I’m determined to make the most of it.

  • Thirty and Thriving 🙌

    Thirty and Thriving 🙌

    It’s Sunday, the sun is shining and we’ve a roast dinner cooking away – nothing makes me happier than a day like this one. We’ve got family staying, I’m one beer down and I’m feeling more chilled than I have in ages. (Besides the football nerves of course – it’s been a nervy couple of weeks for England fans across the country and tonight’s game could be a turning point. Yes, I’m remaining optimistic!)

    My 30th has been and gone and it was FAB, but unfortunately it did coincide with a particularly stressful time at work and between full-on working days and celebrations I’ve barely had a moment to breathe.

    It always says something when I’m feeling like writing again. It says I’m coming out of the other side, my brain is clear of fog and the butterflies are less consuming. Hooray to that and thanks for sticking with me while Chapter Seven hit pause for a short while.

    Even full of brain fog and butterflies, 30 has brought with it a new confidence for me.

    I confess, I had a mini-meltdown on my birthday eve. All I could think was how much I hadn’t done yet. Suddenly my biggest regret in all the world was not having run a half marathon for example, in spite of the fact I’ve never enjoyed running and I’ve never even completed Couch to 5K. BUT since then, I’ve found being 30 somehow has me feeling like I can own my space more and like I’ve earned the right to live authentically and with confidence.

    Thirty has me ordering whisky neat, popping prosecco open without faffing and aiming higher at work and I’m excited to see how long I can ride this wave for.

    I’m so grateful to every person who chose to celebrate with me. I felt so loved throughout my birthday celebrations and there can be no doubt that’s brought me closer to the place I’m in now.

    Now, I know age is just a number. And if you’re reading this in your early twenties, please don’t let your age stop you from owning your space right now. Or if you’re way past 30 and still not feeling confident, please don’t let this make you feel you’re behind – you’re wonderful as you are and everyone is on their own timeline.

    But if you’re reading this on your approach to thirty, worried about reaching the milestone without having done everything you expected, please know that it’s not an ending. It’s just the beginning and there’s so much to be excited about yet. Celebrate all that you have achieved and own your space knowing you’re going into life’s next chapter with more wisdom than you’ve ever had before. In my timeline, I’ve a feeling thirty is where I start to come into my own.

  • Los Angeles, Mexico City and Home Together Again

    Los Angeles, Mexico City and Home Together Again

    The sun is shining through our living room windows, Willow is sunbathing next to me and Dave is about to start cooking dinner. Just a week back home together and it feels as though he never went away.

    I hadn’t imagined my previous blog post would be the last before I left for LA; I imagined I’d blog again before I left and I’d be updating on the trip whilst I was away too.

    In reality, in the lead up I was way too focused on a very thorough, clear and organised plan for juggling work and life and packing and pre-holiday admin. I channelled all of my nervous energy into list creation. There are times when being an over-thinker can come in handy and this was definitely one of them – I’d thought of everything!

    And then once I was on holiday, all I wanted was to enjoy every moment.

    It’s been a whirlwind…

    Three weeks ago, I was still missing Dave, having not seen him for nearly three months and top of my to-do list was actually hoovering, because I had guests coming for the weekend.

    And two weeks ago, about this time in the US, we were on our way to the Griffith Observatory (which I was very excited to visit for the first time, given my obsession with the film La La Land and the super theatrical scene when Mia and Sebastian kiss for the first time.) We spent the evening there and, when the time came, watched as the sun set over the Hollywood hills, before getting the scrummiest dinner.

    I feel extremely lucky to have had the opportunity to not just visit Los Angeles, but to do so after Dave had gotten to know it so well. I feel I really saw only the best of a city, which, let’s face it, is known for having its good and its bad bits. I loved LA for its connection to the movies, for the proximity you felt to stardom, the way it sparkles at night and the way it looks from up high, its free and breezy energy and for the oodles of food and drink available. As a city girl, I enjoyed its vastness and the pace of life there too.

    We also were lucky enough to spend two nights in Mexico City with friends and again, we got ourselves a proper highlights tour. In fact, after our time with them there, Mexico City is going down as one of my favourite cities in the world. It’s got so much history and culture. It’s sinking between the mountains in it’s own unique, beautiful way, it’s so green and again, it’s full of amazing food and drink. One of the two nights, sat drinking Mescal cocktails outside a bar in Coyoacán, chatting away to friends we love but don’t see as often as we like, I was oh so happy. Especially safe in the knowledge that we’d be finishing the night, not with McDonald’s, but with freshly made churros dipped in chocolate.

    I wrote about travelling with butterflies at a time not that long ago, when I thought I’d gotten it all figured out. As with any mental illness, it turns out anxiety is unpredictable as ever and in fact, mine didn’t really trouble me for most of my time away – in spite of the fact I was further from home than ever before. It wasn’t as I’d have thought: I didn’t start the trip full of butterflies and then relax into life away as time went on. I started the trip feeling weirdly calm and it wasn’t until only the last couple of days that I started to feel the familiar queasiness and head fluffiness. I enjoyed all of our time away, but by the end I definitely felt the need to be grounded at home and was very much looking forward to landing back on familiar ground. And not just because of the butterflies of course, because I missed Willow and Mambo too and couldn’t wait to get Dave home and reunited with both of them. (On that – in a very un-cat-like fashion, they were so happy to see him! They remembered him instantly and were straight under his feet purring and wanting attention. It was the absolute cutest)

    And now we’re home and currently, I’m just the normal Bronwen amount of anxious. The butterflies are lurking, but they’re not causing me any real trouble. I’d have expected Dave being home to at least cause me a bit of agg on the mental health front – any change, good or bad, usually does, but yet again, I am pleasantly surprised by my brains lack of fuss about it.

    In other news, I’m trying to remember work is just work, because it’s a little much right now and it’s got the potential to become all consuming at the moment. I’m excited for the next few months and for all we have planned. And I’m really enjoying seeing daises among the grass, trees full of leaves and summer dresses on smiley faced people everywhere. Summer is in the air here in the UK and I love love love it.

  • All Storms Really Do Pass

    All Storms Really Do Pass

    Honestly? This week wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. On Tuesday, returning to work after the bank holiday, I had a really rubbish brain day. My head was full of fluff and anxiety and everything felt difficult. I stumbled through, but by the end of it, I had a mighty tension headache and tears in my eyes. Luckily, I have some wonderful people around me who got me through and I went to sleep full of pasta and feeling more human.

    By Friday, I was headed into London for a day at the office and the butterflies were a distant memory. And things just got better from there. Being in the office rejuvenated me and left me feeling more motivated on the work front. Seeing some lovely colleagues gave me a proper boost too. And then Friday night we saw some friends who never fail to chill me out and make me smile. I woke up yesterday morning full of beans and ready to enjoy a night away with Dave.

    I woke up this Sunday morning to the sound of rain hammering away on the wooden roof of the glamping pod we were staying in. Boiling the kettle to make a cup of tea, to sip in front of the rainy window, felt like the perfect way to welcome in Autumn.

    Now we’re home and the flat is as warm as it was in the summer, even with the blinds doing their best to keep the sun at bay and us cool. I don’t mind too much though. I’m in a comfy dress with a glass of water on the go and the memories of our cosy morning still fresh in my mind.

    And so there you have it: All storms really do pass. And if you’re feeling sucky right now, take care of yourself, reach out for support and trust the process. You’ll find the fog will clear and one day soon you’ll feel a bit more like facing whatever is in your path. And I hope at that point, some good stuff comes your way and makes you smile too.

  • Travelling With Butterflies: Navigating Anxiety Whilst Abroad

    Travelling With Butterflies: Navigating Anxiety Whilst Abroad

    Back on home turf and reflecting on an incredible weekend away in Italy spent sticking a middle finger up at all of the anxious thoughts that told me I couldn’t enjoy it.

    Travelling feels daunting to most of us regardless of our mental wellness. I think it’s natural. As someone who struggles with anxiety a lot, it can be even more scary.

    In advance, I worried about whether things would be awkward between me and the friend I was travelling with. I worried about running out of money or whether the trip would be worth the money I’d already spent. I felt super nervous about not being able to fluently speak the language and about being so far from home. I worried about having an anxiety attack and not being able to get to somewhere where I’d feel safe.

    And that was all no doubt exasperated by the fact it’s been ages since I left the UK. Many of us have spent more time at home during the pandemic than ever before and if you’re anything like me, you’ve gotten used to living in your comfort zone.

    As an overthinker, I get a foggy head in high anxiety situations. And this happens more frequently in unknown territory.

    For the first few days of the holiday, I valued time in my hotel room to recharge and I found it hard to ground myself whilst out and about exploring. That first day of travelling was the most stressful. I felt hot and tense and flustered for most of it. When I landed in Verona, just getting the bus into the town centre was nearly too much. The bus conductor got stroppy with me when I approached him for a ticket, having not noticed the ticket machine at the bus stop and that alone had me wanting to board a flight straight back to rainy London.

    I knew I was getting there when I started to notice the little things. There was a moment at the end of a long day in Venice when I looked up from where I was sat, waiting for a water taxi, took a deep breath and just took in the view.

    From there on in, it was like the butterflies decided they needed a rest from flapping. Almost as though they’d worked double time for the first half of the holiday and couldn’t keep it up any longer. And so, I can genuinely say I relaxed for the last few days.

    I wish I could say exactly what I did to get through the anxiety and out the other side. I guess the main thing I’d advise you to do is be patient with yourself. I’m glad I didn’t beat myself up when I found the first few days tough. I didn’t overthink or stress when I couldn’t finish my dinner or found myself lingering in my hotel room for longer than planned. And in the end, the gentle approach got me through.

    And I’m so proud. Proud of finding the courage to travel again even when it felt daunting and excited for all of the travels still to come. There’s hope for all of us anxious folk yet. I promise!

  • A Fab Time in Dublin

    A Fab Time in Dublin

    May is one of the best months of the year and I’m very happy it’s here. The sun starts to shine a little warmer in May. The trees are leafy again and the flowers are all out and about. Summer is officially on the horizon and it feels closer every day. We’re all a little more cheery again come May time. And this year we’ve two bank holidays to enjoy! And whether we love our jobs or not, the weeks always feel long and hard and the odd Monday off here and there helps us power on through.

    Talking of work… I’ve officially been in my current position for more than a year. MORE THAN A YEAR I TELL YOU. I can hardly believe it. Time does fly, but I must admit that my first day feels like it was a very long time ago now. I still remember it very clearly and fondly. I feel as though I’ve come a long way in a year. And I’m pleased to report that staying put is doing me all of the good I hoped it would.

    Somehow, it’s been nearly a month since Naomi and I were at Rhossili beach in Wales. Since then, Manchester United lost to West Brom, Dave and I bought furniture for the balcony, Britain was hit by a mini heat wave (perfect timing dontcha think?) and I went to Dublin for a few days with one of my best friends.

    Dave, myself and his parents journeyed all the way up to Manchester to see United lose and we were not happy bunnies. However, that same weekend we bought the furniture for the balcony AND a shoe rack for the hall way and triumphantly put it all together. You lose some, you win some. SO excited to play host this summer and make use of the new set up.

    The mini heat wave was simply amazing. It came just as we all felt like we couldn’t take one more day of doomy gloomy skies and chilly temperatures. It was just what we all needed. Besides me, everyone seemed so prepared too! Summer clothes were out in storm and the smell of sun cream filled the tube I got in the mornings. There I was stood in black trousers and a black blazer because my summer clothes were still hidden away and my legs were not in any state to be shown off to the world.

    We had a fab time in Dublin and I’d recommend a visit. The people are simply lovely for one thing! I highly recommend the free walking tours, the Guinness Storehouse and the food, in general.

    Our walking tour guide was GREAT. He gave us heaps of insight into Ireland, it’s history and it’s people. Dublin Castle, St Patrick’s Cathedral, the infamous ‘Spire’, they all have amazing histories and they’re all excellent spots for photos too.

    I reckon the Guinness Storehouse had to be the highlight of our trip. (Although, one evening spent in a pub in Temple Bar listening to traditional Irish music was particularly magical too.) The storehouse experience was so great, because it was all new. I’d never tried Guinness before (believe it or not I actually quite liked it), never learned how to properly taste a stout before and never poured my own pint before either. You have to breathe in through your nose, then sip, then breathe out through your nose… that’s the secret to the tasting. Thank me later.

    I loved literally everything I ate while I was in Dublin, but I particularly recommend a little place called ‘Boxty‘ where potatoes are cooked to perfection. This place is proof that potatoes are truly the best of all the foods.