Blogging Goodbye to Butterflies

Tag: happiness

  • Thirty and Thriving ðŸ™Œ

    Thirty and Thriving ðŸ™Œ

    It’s Sunday, the sun is shining and we’ve a roast dinner cooking away – nothing makes me happier than a day like this one. We’ve got family staying, I’m one beer down and I’m feeling more chilled than I have in ages. (Besides the football nerves of course – it’s been a nervy couple of weeks for England fans across the country and tonight’s game could be a turning point. Yes, I’m remaining optimistic!)

    My 30th has been and gone and it was FAB, but unfortunately it did coincide with a particularly stressful time at work and between full-on working days and celebrations I’ve barely had a moment to breathe.

    It always says something when I’m feeling like writing again. It says I’m coming out of the other side, my brain is clear of fog and the butterflies are less consuming. Hooray to that and thanks for sticking with me while Chapter Seven hit pause for a short while.

    Even full of brain fog and butterflies, 30 has brought with it a new confidence for me.

    I confess, I had a mini-meltdown on my birthday eve. All I could think was how much I hadn’t done yet. Suddenly my biggest regret in all the world was not having run a half marathon for example, in spite of the fact I’ve never enjoyed running and I’ve never even completed Couch to 5K. BUT since then, I’ve found being 30 somehow has me feeling like I can own my space more and like I’ve earned the right to live authentically and with confidence.

    Thirty has me ordering whisky neat, popping prosecco open without faffing and aiming higher at work and I’m excited to see how long I can ride this wave for.

    I’m so grateful to every person who chose to celebrate with me. I felt so loved throughout my birthday celebrations and there can be no doubt that’s brought me closer to the place I’m in now.

    Now, I know age is just a number. And if you’re reading this in your early twenties, please don’t let your age stop you from owning your space right now. Or if you’re way past 30 and still not feeling confident, please don’t let this make you feel you’re behind – you’re wonderful as you are and everyone is on their own timeline.

    But if you’re reading this on your approach to thirty, worried about reaching the milestone without having done everything you expected, please know that it’s not an ending. It’s just the beginning and there’s so much to be excited about yet. Celebrate all that you have achieved and own your space knowing you’re going into life’s next chapter with more wisdom than you’ve ever had before. In my timeline, I’ve a feeling thirty is where I start to come into my own.

  • All Storms Really Do Pass

    All Storms Really Do Pass

    Honestly? This week wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. On Tuesday, returning to work after the bank holiday, I had a really rubbish brain day. My head was full of fluff and anxiety and everything felt difficult. I stumbled through, but by the end of it, I had a mighty tension headache and tears in my eyes. Luckily, I have some wonderful people around me who got me through and I went to sleep full of pasta and feeling more human.

    By Friday, I was headed into London for a day at the office and the butterflies were a distant memory. And things just got better from there. Being in the office rejuvenated me and left me feeling more motivated on the work front. Seeing some lovely colleagues gave me a proper boost too. And then Friday night we saw some friends who never fail to chill me out and make me smile. I woke up yesterday morning full of beans and ready to enjoy a night away with Dave.

    I woke up this Sunday morning to the sound of rain hammering away on the wooden roof of the glamping pod we were staying in. Boiling the kettle to make a cup of tea, to sip in front of the rainy window, felt like the perfect way to welcome in Autumn.

    Now we’re home and the flat is as warm as it was in the summer, even with the blinds doing their best to keep the sun at bay and us cool. I don’t mind too much though. I’m in a comfy dress with a glass of water on the go and the memories of our cosy morning still fresh in my mind.

    And so there you have it: All storms really do pass. And if you’re feeling sucky right now, take care of yourself, reach out for support and trust the process. You’ll find the fog will clear and one day soon you’ll feel a bit more like facing whatever is in your path. And I hope at that point, some good stuff comes your way and makes you smile too.

  • Week Zero

    Week Zero

    I’m curled up on the sofa at my parents’ and I’ve spent the whole day in my PJs. The Christmas tree is twinkling and the living room is super cosy.

    It’s odd isn’t it? This week between Christmas and New Year. No-one knows which day of the week it is. Our New Year’s resolutions don’t need putting into action until January 1st so we’re all in limbo.

    Some people strip the decorations down, find places for all their gifts and spring clean a few months early. Other people cling onto Christmas for as long as humanely possible; cooking turkey everything, leaving the decorations up, watching Christmas films, eating chocolate and being extremely lazy. Others among us sit in traffic and battle the crowds to browse the sale racks for bargains. I myself fully intend to treat myself to some new jeans, that don’t have holes in, asap. Many of us have family and friends to visit and find ourselves doing the rounds. The parents among you have to find ways to entertain the kids until the school term starts again. I do not envy you. Some of you have had to go back to work already. Ugh. Poor you guys.

    New Year’s Resolutions are a funny thing. Why do we feel we need to improve ourselves every year? Why are we so hard on ourselves and why should this year be any different from the last anyway?

    Ridiculously, I always imagine I’ll have sooooo much more time when the new year begins. For example, this year I’m telling myself that I’ll join a couple of fitness classes, sing more, join a choir, find a rehearsal space for songwriting, make my lunch and take it into work every day, study, get out more, stay on top of the laundry and cook proper meals. I’m resolving to do all of these things despite the fact that I struggled through November and December barely finding the time to buy Christmas presents or paint my nails. Supposedly, in January, anything is possible. No wonder we all end up feeling sad and deflated when the 1st Feb comes around.

    I also want to worry less. How I’ll manage that with so many goals to achieve, who knows? Most of all, I just want to worry less about what other people are thinking. I cannot read minds, so why do I waste so much time trying to? What even is the point? It’s irrational and oh, who am I kidding?

    These will be the good old days. Regardless of whether I worry too much or I make time for all of the above, I want to remember that. I want to remember to make the most of every moment because time is flying by.

    HELLO CHAPTER FIVE!

  • Embracing Happy Memories

    Embracing Happy Memories

    MORNING. Now, I don’t want to rub it in, but… Oh stuff it! My weekend starts here. Hooray!

    I really should not be blogging. My auntie will be here at midday and I’ve so much life admin to complete before she gets here. The flat’s a little messy, should probably do a quick clean up. Oh. And laundry… Must clean clothes or will have nothing to wear when Monday comes around again.

    I woke up feeling all gooey and happy and inspired this morning and that hasn’t happened for a long time. Most likely this is because I am oh so excited for my long weekend. I’m catching up with my auntie. We’re off to Cardiff. I’m seeing Passenger play at the Welsh Millennium Centre. Dave and I are heading back to Chelmsford on Saturday. On Sunday I get to have my first Mummy Maggs roast dinner in a long time and treat my dad to gifts and hugs for Father’s Day.

    It could also be that Dave and I had a particularly lovely evening together yesterday.

    It could be that I’m getting into my stride a little more at work. I’m not letting it stress me out so much and I’m learning to remember that I’m a human and not a machine and there’s only so much I can do in a day. About time eh?

    It could be that I went on a glorious spa day with one of my besties on Sunday. My goodness it was exactly what we both needed!

    It could be that when I woke up randomly at quarter past six this morning and got up to close the bedroom window, a peep outside at the early morning, coupled with the smell of early morning fresh air took me straight back to a particularly wonderful early morning my sister and I had a while back now. We were in the Caribbean celebrating my dad’s 50th birthday and we snuck out down to the beach early to see the sunrise and I hadn’t thought about it in a long time but I’m realising now that it may be one of my happiest, most treasured memories.

    I remember trying to read through Fearne Cotton’s ‘Happy’ when I was having a particularly hard time of it (maybe about a year ago now) and getting to a page that asked you to list 5 of your worst memories and 5 of your best. I remember it taking me all of a minute to think of the negative stuff… To remember the bad times. I wrote them down one by one, getting more emotional all the time. It then took me a very long time to remember some happy times. I know it sounds crazy. Perhaps it was because I’d listed the bad things first and got too caught up. Trying desperately to remember the good times, I just got more and more upset. I remember getting annoyed at Fearne too. Thinking that the task she set was clearly just too hard and had just brought me down. Sadly, I never wrote my happy memories down and I never picked the book up again.

    I’ve always firmly believed that dwelling on the past just brings you down. I’ve always loved to quote that line from Lion King that Pumba says that always makes me chuckle.

    “YOU GOTTA PUT YOUR BEHIIIIND IN THE PAST”

    It’s true to an extent. But what about all the happy memories we leave behind!? I think it’s about time I started remembering them all again. Maybe I’ll start a scrapbook or a photo album containing my happiest memories. Maybe I’ll pick up ‘Happy’ and get reading again.

    Since remembering that beautiful morning in the Caribbean, I can’t stop thinking of more and more magical, happy memories. It’s as if a switch has flicked and they’ve all come flooding back at once. What an amazing way to begin a weekend that will hopefully be filled with more happy memories to add to the collection.

  • Letting emotions run free and learning to be happy

    I’m sat on the sofa by the window, getting blinded by the sun, but refusing to shut it out. I’m two chapters from the end of Harry Potter so when I’m done writing, I’m finishing it. Then I’m rewarding myself with a cream egg or two before taking a deep breath and picking up the very important looking paperwork that came in the post from my new employer.

    Yes, I got the job! EEEEEEEK!!

    If I’m honest, at first the news left me feeling all kinds of mixed emotions.

    I was happy at first, goodness I nearly cried on the phone while she was telling me the good news and I’m surprised I didn’t deafen Dave when he called to congratulate me, but then almost as fast as I’d felt happy, I felt tense and uncertain again.

    I found myself trying really hard not to get overwhelmed. I couldn’t relax for days. I know now that I was so happy when she rang, but I was scared too. Not scared of starting the job, but scared of letting myself be happy about it.

    That probably sounds like lunacy to some of you. I just got a job I know that I’m going to love, in the city I’ve always wanted to work in. Life’s moving forwards in a brilliant way, but sometimes even the positive emotions are scary. We try to suppress them, because letting any emotion take control, even a happy one, means losing ourselves a little.

    We worrier warriors spend so much of our time trying to control our emotions, trying not to let the anxiety take over, that the moment we’re given a good reason to act like the crazy, excitable, over-emotional happy person, we find it hard to go for it!

    When it finally dawned on me that I had no reason to be anxious, that everything had fallen into place and that I was in fact ridiculously happy I cried, I ran around like I’d eaten too many blue smarties and I haven’t stopped smiling since.

    If you’re like me and even the happy emotions seem daunting, put yourself out there next time you’re feeling good. Scream from the hill tops if you have to. Let the happy tears run wild. Don’t try to keep it in. Keeping it in never did anyone any good.

  • There’s no place like home

    It felt like the entirety of my weekend at home had been nothing more than a dream when I woke up this morning; the horribly stressful journey back to Cardiff being the disastrous ending that finally woke me up. It feels like I went to sleep after the Halloween party last Thursday and I’ve been asleep ever since. A big part of me wants to curl up and go back to dreaming of home so I don’t have to face today. Today is my first day at work and the day of my first rehearsal for my first concert of the semester. Today is terrifying.

    Friday morning I wasn’t anywhere near as excited as I expected to be. I woke up with the biggest smile on my face, but only because the night before had been such great fun. I was happy because Halloween had been amazing and it hadn’t quite clicked that a megabus was going to take me home that afternoon. I got up, got ready and headed out to hand in my first music assignment of the year. I daydreamed my way through the entirety of my history lecture and then when I realised the time, half walked half ran home to pack. Time went by ridiculously quickly and before I knew it, I was sat on my bed eating my lunch as quickly as Bronwenly possible, because I knew I needed to get to the bus stop. In true Bronwen fashion I got half way up the road before realising I’d forgotten my purse and had to turn around to grab it. I caught the bus just as it was about to leave. The driver thankfully got down from his seat, smiled at me and let me chuck my bag in the hold. It took me six hours to get home, but when I did I was beyond happy. Home looked amazing and smelled amazing and my mum had left me a portion of chille con carne to reheat and eat when I got in.

    Saturday morning my mum woke me up with a cup of tea and asked if I fancied a drive out of Chelmsford to pick my sister up from a family friend’s house. At first it felt ridiculous to even consider leaving my warm and comfortable bed, especially now I had a cup of tea in hand. As it dawned on me that this was day 1 of 2 at home I began to change my mind. I didn’t want to waste anymore time in bed. I jumped in the shower, my mum made us the most amazing breakfast and then we jumped in the car. I think I had forgotten just how much I love being behind the steering wheel. The drive left me on cloud nine. I spent the whole journey head bobbing and steering wheel tapping without shame. We joined our friends for a coffee in Costa before heading back. Sat with my mum and our family friends, drinking a Costa Caramel Latte I was ridiculously happy. I spent the afternoon being the laziest I’ve been in weeks and my dad ordered pizza in for dinner. We went to see the Fireworks display in Danbury (a Maggs family tradition at this time of year) and as usual it was incredible. Stood linking arms with my mum and brother, my dad with his arm around my sister just in front of us, I felt like I had the leading role in the very happy ending to a film. I was really ill when I got home, my guess is the cold got to me and the tiredness hit too. I missed out on joining some of my friends at the pub and had to head to bed at eleven before it felt like I had quite made the most of my day.

    I got up fairly early again on Sunday, feeling much better after sleeping. It felt like I’d never left: I helped myself to cereal and joined my mum in the lounge. She was watching a Christmas film. Normally I would have objected considering November has only just begun but I was drawn in when one of the characters announced he was banning Christmas and the sale of toys. My mum made an amazing lamb roast dinner, I went shopping for work trousers and before I knew it I was packing up and heading back to Cardiff again. Saying a temporary goodbye to my family once again made me feel just as sad as usual. The journey home was horrible: Trains were late, I was late, buses were late, it rained loads, I did the walk home in a complete daze thinking only of bed and of putting my heavy bag down.

    And then I woke up, back in Cardiff, curled up in bed as if I’d never been away.

  • Singing goodbye to butterflies in the shower

    Caught myself singing in the shower, wondered ’round with a towel turban on my head, left my stuff all over the sofa while I went out last night, sung opera in my bedroom AND let my iTunes music shuffle freely without cringing when The Circle of Life started playing. One week here and it feels like home already.

    Feels so good to be sat on an actual sofa, curled up among the cushions writing this post with a cup of tea on the go. Being a fresher, sat on my bed hiding from the outside world, feels like a distant memory. As does nervously heading to the communal space in our university halls and sitting on a hard, plastic chair at the kitchen table.

    Life as a second year student so far has been different to life as a fresher in so many ways…

    As soon as I wake up in the morning I come downstairs in my pyjamas.

    My bedroom door here is almost always open and so are everyone else’s.

    Heading out in the evenings is easy now we know where to head and on which nights.

    I know the quickest route into town and into university and back, and I didn’t have to try three different routes to find the best.

    I feel so much more comfortable living with my friends, in a beautiful city that I now know and love.

    We may still be lacking internet and our washing machine may be broken, but the butterflies that lived in my stomach permanently last year seem to have temporarily fallen asleep this year already. Who would have thought it!? Now to conquer the world.