I don’t know about anyone else, but I feel like I’ve spent my twenties going around in circles.
Maybe it’s because I’m an over-thinker and a past-dweller, but every now and again self-doubt hits me like a brick. At these times, I consider radically changing things up, travelling the world or finally doing the music therapy masters I’ve always dreamed about.
When I’m feeling like this, I am particularly vulnerable to the power of throw-backs and can easily get sucked into old libraries of old photos and end up scrolling for ages looking at how happy past me was and how wonderful the world was through those infamous rose-tinted glasses (that it never occurs to me I must be wearing).
Last night, I went to sleep thinking about how it’s been over 7 years now since I started blogging. 7 years ago I was in my second year of university. I still wanted to be an opera singer. My best friend was a lovely girl who’s not in my life now. I hadn’t even met Dave. And in my sleepy state all I could think was that it really doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. Surely in 7 years I should have done more?
At 11:30 pm on a Friday, after a long and tiring week, I found myself wondering what that girl would think if she could see me now and whether she’d be happy for me. Am I doing the right things? Would she be surprised by where I’m at – and not in a good way?
I realised she’d probably be most surprised to find I am living in a random city, away from all of my family and friends. For a split-second I considered insisting we leave this flat right away and move closer to home, before remembering all of the reasons we’re here, how much I love this place that feels increasingly like our own and that when the pandemic is behind us, we’ll be able to have family and friends visit whenever we fancy.
I fell asleep eventually and as if by magic, this morning I feel grounded and confident again. Now suddenly I know I’m happy with where I am and I think back to university and realise just how far I’ve come. I’m sat here acknowledging that it doesn’t really matter what 20 years old me would think, because I’m a very different person now. And I’m actually proud of who I am. It’s not that I no-longer want to travel the world or do my masters, but I have faith I’ll get there one day and realise I’m content where I am right now, for now. All the decisions I made to get here make sense again. I’m sticking a middle finger up at self-doubt and shouting ‘I am just fine where I am thank you!’
And that’s it – I’ve come full circle. Now, I’ll go on my merry way until doubt hits and I go through the whole process all over again. Is this just what being in your twenties is like? We’re all just still discovering ourselves and working out what makes us happy and what we value most and eventually we’ll feel settled and calm. We can’t possibly spend our whole lives wondering if we’re doing the right thing and will ever be really truly happy. Right?