For a long time, I was preoccupied with the idea of finding myself.
Somewhere along the way, whether as children, teenagers or young adults, many of us are promised that some day, we’ll arrive – that we’ll finally reach a point where we understand who we are and what we want in life.
Growing up, I believed that I’d one day find myself and then I’d never change again: I’d become the person I was meant to be and from there, everything would just make sense. I looked at adults and assumed, with unwavering faith, that they each had it all figured out. To me, the person they presented to the world was one they had consciously decided to become.
In the approach to adulthood, I remember there being so much talk about how new experiences would shape me and that these would bring me closer to knowing who I wanted to be.
And I’m not saying new experiences don’t shape you.
An argument with an angry chef during a shift at the restaurant where I got my first job taught me that I am stronger than I think and not to be underestimated.
The thing is, experiences never stop shaping us. So, I recently decided to let go of the idea of finding myself once and for all.
I look back now at the person I thought I was when I left university and realise she had no idea who she was becoming.
I’m in my thirites now and I’m still learning new things about myself every day. I’m still being shaped by experiences in ways I could never have predicted.
We evolve because life is constantly changing – and we change with it.
Sometimes, the hardest part about accepting change is that it unsettles our sense of self. It can threaten the version of you you’ve grown used to. There can be a quiet pressure to make the ‘new you’ fit neatly alongside the old one, as if your identity should remain consistent, even when life doesn’t. It can feel like you’re losing yourself. But maybe you’re not losing anything at all. Maybe you’re just evolving.
I’m beginning to understand that I am a messy mix of every version of myself that has ever existed. I’m also accepting there are many versions of me still to come.
Some days I love tea and books. Some days I want to drink coffee and binge Gossip Girl. Some days I feel light and hopeful and on others, I don’t. As humans, we’re walking contradictions and that’s okay. We don’t need to present ourselves consistently to the world.
And yet, we live in a world that often asks us to define who we are as simply as possible. On social media for example, we’re encouraged to complete a bio, fit into a box and to present a version of ourselves which can be easily understood by algorithms and followers alike.
Change can feel uncomfortable in that kind of world.
It can feel risky to change, especially if we also find ourselves worrying that the people around us might prefer an older version of us to the one we’re evolving into.
In my experience, that rarely holds true. The people who are meant for you don’t just accept your growth, but they grow with you.
Who we are as people is incredibly difficult to define. It’s okay to accept you might never figure it out.
The more I’ve tried to do so, the more I’ve realised that it’s much more important to tune into how you’re feeling and make decisions based on what feels right for you, right now…
If something brings you joy or a sense of calm, it’s worth paying attention to – whether or not it neatly aligns with who you thought you were supposed to be.
Blogging Goodbye to Butterflies 