Blogging Goodbye to Butterflies

Tag: thirties

  • One frosty, sunny Saturday on Primrose Hill

    One frosty, sunny Saturday on Primrose Hill

    Our alarms went off at 7am. I woke up excited for a day at London Zoo and went straight in the shower. I popped on a new T-Shirt I’d bought in Zara’s New Year sales and some blue jeans. He reminded me I’d need layers and so I chucked a turtle neck jumper on over the top and grabbed my hat, scarf and coat.

    When we headed out the front door to get the bus, the road was peaceful and quiet. I remember how beautiful it was, because I stopped to take a video of the mist and frost.

    We were at the train station early in the end and so we both grabbed hot drinks for the journey. We nattered away all the way into London, changed onto the Northern Line at Kings Cross and then arrived at Chalk Farm station just as all of the dog walkers were starting their day. We’d planned to walk to the zoo via Primrose Hill.

    The walk from Chalk Farm ’round to Primrose Hill was lovely. Along with lots of adorable, happy dogs, we passed so many cute bakeries I lost count and lots of independent, boutique shops with pretty windows.

    When we got to Primrose Hill, I was surprised to find out just how much of a hill there was to climb. He laughed at me for failing to anticipate the climb, considering the name of the place.

    We made it to the top to find lots of other early birds with cameras and coats and beyond them, a misty view of the London skyline. The longer we looked, the more London landmarks I spotted and the more excited I got, but eager to see what it was like when the mist cleared, I suggested we wander around a while longer in the hope of circling back to blue skies.

    A little way down the hill into the park, he stopped me on the pretence that the view was already clearing. I turned back to look at the view, considered whether it was actually any clearer, went to grab a tissue to blow my nose and then he said my name.

    That’s when I knew. I could hear it in his voice. I turned around and there he was on one knee. He asked me to marry him and after squeals and cries and an unfortunate, shocked ‘NOOOO’, I got the word ‘yes’ out. I hugged him harder than I think I ever have, a lovely lady called Caroline stopped and offered to take our photo and before long we were sat on a bench calling and messaging family and friends to let them know.

    It was the happiest, frosty, sunny morning on Primrose Hill and for us, it’ll always be special. I still can’t look at the photo without crying. And I am so excited for the rest of our lives together. This post’s a big one! We’re engaged!

  • Life doesn’t stop because you’re house hunting 🏘️

    Life doesn’t stop because you’re house hunting 🏘️

    Dave and I’s first day of house viewings was a little disheartening, but the second day (crammed full of twice as many viewings) was much more promising. We’ve not found our future home yet, but we have gotten to a point where we’re much more clued up on what our actual deal breakers are and what we love in a house.

    I genuinely went into our search thinking all we needed was any house with a roof, walls, three bedrooms and a garden. I’d never really paid much attention to how different houses are. We’ve seen so many different types of 3 bedroom house and it turns out it’s all so much more complicated.

    I’ve gone from impatiently revisiting every Rightmove listing wondering if there’s a house we’ve overlooked or could make work, to realising that we should take this slow. We’re in the extremely privileged position of being able to take our time searching and I think that’d be the first bit of advice I’d give to anyone looking to buy a home – if you have the luxury of time, don’t rush it.

    Another reason to take it slow is that, life hasn’t stopped for the house search. And for a little while there, I was definitely overdoing it. Work has been busy as ever and there’s been a lot else exciting going on besides us scrolling Rightmove on the daily. In fact, it’s been a hectic few weeks since I last wrote.

    My Dad and I road tripped up to Manchester to see my little brother and his girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. They live in this super cool flat, on the one-from-the-top floor of a block of flats, with incredible views of the Manchester city skyline. We spent two days eating yummy food, catching up on life and seeing some of the sights. I started to feel a little poorly while we were there and was grateful to be with family, able to take things in my stride – on the Saturday afternoon, when I ran out of energy all together, we all went back to the flat to cosy down with tea and snacks and watch the most random movie on Disney +.

    It was just a cold. I thought I was going to be able to push through a week working from home when Monday came around, but it actually hit me pretty hard! By Wednesday, I was crying on the sofa feeling totally drained and too snotty to mention.

    I did thankfully recover in time for our second lot of house viewings that weekend.

    Then, this week just gone, Dave and I’s boiler broke down. The pressure dropped, the error light came on, we reported the fault and next thing we knew, an engineer was sticking a ‘DO NOT USE’ warning sticker on the front of it and telling us we’d need a replacement. I had two cold showers in the time it was out of action and I must say, whilst I will probably never choose to do it again (especially not in autumn) I did feel the benefits you always hear about.,, I felt energised and refreshed and I’m sure my hair was softer too.

    The new boiler was fitted on Friday and I’m incredibly grateful to be living in a home with hot water again.

    Yesterday, I spent a wonderfully autumnal day at Kew with one of my best friends. We wandered among the trees and leaves, caught up on life, drank tea and cake and finished the day with red wine and pie at a pub nearby.

    And now here I am. Curled up on the sofa at the end of a very lazy day, but still shattered. Looking forward to an evening eating chicken, broccoli and roast potatoes and catching up on Strictly Come Dancing. Can you imagine an evening more wholesome?

  • Way more than 66 Books 📚

    Way more than 66 Books 📚

    Yesterday I went to book lover heaven. My friend and I met for a super scummy brekky and a catch up, before hopping in an Uber to 66 Books to go book shopping!

    For those who don’t already know, 66 Books, is a fully operational book warehouse in Hertfordshire which a company called 66 Book Club open up to the public once or twice a month. This means, on those open days (check out the book club’s FB page for dates: https://www.facebook.com/@66bookclub/) you can explore the aisles full of books for as long as you’d like. It’s like having access to a massive library – except the books aren’t categorised by author, title or genre and are (we assumed) sorted by some kind of mysterious warehouse coding system.

    Not only can you explore, but after you’ve browsed the shelves you can buy as many books as you like for 70% off retail price (once you’ve paid £2 for membership of the book club)! We queued from about 12:20pm until about 3pm (so just under three hours) but it was so worth it! We both came away happily with bundles of books and full book loving hearts.

    And today!? Today, Dave and I are on our house hunt! I can’t believe we’re actually here. We’re back in our home town and we’re actually potentially going to look at our future home. My tummy is butterfly central, but mostly in a good way.

    I know it’s most likely we’ll spend a lot longer searching before putting in any offers, but these houses are really very promising prospects… I think.

    My friend patiently spent a solid amount of our time queueing yesterday going through the Rightmove listings with me and weighing up pros and cons. I have been finding it really hard to imagine what these homes would look like once we’d made them ours, but talking through imaginary colour schemes and furniture layouts with her really helped.

    Stay tuned to find out how we get on and thanks as always for being along for the ride.

  • Diversions in life make way for new adventures 🗺️

    Diversions in life make way for new adventures 🗺️

    Today’s the best kind of Sunday – I’m off out to meet one of my best friends for a roast dinner and a country walk. The pub we’ve found for Sunday roast is so popular that they called me on Friday just to make sure we still wanted our table and it couldn’t be offered to someone else. I bet the roast potatoes will be super yummy.

    This week has been a bit of an uphill struggle and not only did I feel anxious and tired and headachy and run down as I so frequently do, but I made it worse by stressing about why I might be feeling that way at a time when life is supposedly pretty good.

    I sat on the sofa one night running over everything I could possibly be stressing about this time. Work? Fine. Friendships? Pretty fab. Family? Love ’em. Cats? Happy and healthy. Life admin? Manageable.

    It never gets easier to accept that anxiety is a part of my life and that it can be an irrational response to simply just being.

    But I’m not too mad I over thought it, as I’ve done some research over the weekend which has been really enlightening. I think maybe my hormones took a swing at a certain time in a certain monthly cycle. It’s been comforting to read that, if that is the case, I’m not alone. Turns out there are multiple times in the month when those of us with cycles can feel more in a tizz and that hormones can do their thing more often as we got older. Whilst this is miserable news, it is comforting to think that maybe next time I’ll be a little gentler with myself. 30 years behind me and still learning new things about my body and my butterflies all the time.

    Pleased to have made it through in spite of it all. I had a productive week at work and it’s been a lovely weekend so far, full of time with friends. On Friday night I went to visit a friend and her absolutely precious new born baby girl. Last night, I was out celebrating one of my best friend’s 30th birthday at a London pub. The tube got suspended and I ended up getting the bus and then taking a walk through Wandsworth Park to get there, which was BEAUTIFUL. Once there, I had the best time playing pool, nattering with lovely ladies I haven’t seen in ages and saying cheers to the birthday girl with bubbles and cupcakes.

    Today, I’m excited for roast potatoes, a long overdue catch up and I’m excited to get in the car and listen to Taylor Swift at top volume… If I wasn’t a Swiftie before going to the Eras tour, I most definitely am now. I’m currently making my way through ‘evermore’ and loving every moment. Also am currently obsessed with Raye’s album ’21st Century Blues’ and Cat Burns’ ‘Early Twenties’.

    Happy Sunday all! Lessons learned this week – we should all go a little easier on ourselves when we feel run down, because sometimes our bodies just need a rest. Time with friends is so precious and always worth pushing through for. And being thrown off the tube isn’t always a bad thing, because taking a new route can be pretty wonderful.

  • ‘A Sky Full of Stars’: Tales from a long weekend camping in Dartmouth✨

    ‘A Sky Full of Stars’: Tales from a long weekend camping in Dartmouth✨

    This morning I put a torch in the washing machine. I was just finally getting around to doing the last of our dirty washing from our camping trip last weekend and when I heard the clunking, my first thought was that one of us might have picked a pebble up off the beach and left it in a pocket. When I got to the machine though, I could see the end of our torch whizzing around in circles between the clothes, loudly hitting the outside of the machine every now and again.

    I hit the pause button immediately, but even with the machine on pause, the door didn’t open. Next thing I know, I’m on the phone to my Dad, we’re both reading the machine’s manual online and we’re coming to the conclusion that we’re just going to have to let the machine run until the first cycle is over and it can drain. At one point, the water triggered the switch on the torch and the light came on, so that I could see it whizzing around even clearer than before, like a menacing under water disco light. Eventually the cycle ended, the water drained, I hit pause and thankfully, I was able to open the door and retrieve the torch. Now just to figure out how to safely dispose of it, given it will most likely never be safe to use again.

    Luckily, packing for camping went much better than unpacking has. Between us, we really had thought of everything. We filled the car with shoes, canvas bags, portable chargers, towels, snacks, clothes, jackets, sleeping bags, duvets, yoga mats and blankets and off we went. We’d been invited to a join family on a camp site in Dartmouth for a weekend of 60th birthday celebrations and we had such a good time.

    From the moment we arrived, I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. I always love being by the sea and Dartmouth is a particularly lovely seaside town. We enjoyed ice cream and fish and chips galore. We walked up and down a pebbled beach with the happiest of dogs in tow. We went and explored Agatha Christie’s holiday home and I got to play her grand piano!

    Perhaps unsurprisingly, given we were camping in England in September, we dealt with sunshine, rain, wind and cold and yet we made the best of things. When some noisy sheep disrupted our sleep on night one, we left the tent to head to the campsite toilets only to look up and see a deep, dark, beautiful sky full of stars. When we got caught out in the rain on day two, I found myself smiling hugely making my way down a footpath with my backpack on and brolly held high, reminded of rainy, English childhood holidays. And when the wind hammered on the side of the biggest tent on day three, I felt cosier than ever sat in a deck chair, sipping red wine and playing card games.

    All of that said, we returned home more grateful than ever for our bed and our super cosy sofa. And now it’s hard to believe a whole ‘nother week has gone by. In spite of lack of sleep, camping did leave me feeling refreshed and I found myself back at work with a fresh perspective this week. I took it in my stride a little more and was more productive as a result.

    On Thursday, I was out and about in London and was reminded just how much I love the city. Yesterday, my best friend and I were at Welwyn Garden City’s world food fest, enjoying everything from South African to Greek. And today? Today’s a chill day and I find myself feeling tired, but grateful. There’s so much to love about this little life of mine. We’re very quickly headed for my favourite time of year and I’m determined to make the most of it.

  • On my way to OK again 👌

    On my way to OK again 👌

    I was right when I said that the butterflies were gentling warning me to take care. I had a wonderful day at my grandparents with family, but on Monday morning, tiredness and anxiety hit me all over again like a brick. And I felt devastated because if you were paying attention you’ll remember, Monday was Taylor Swift Eras tour day!

    Dave got me out the door and in the car with hugs and moral support and my friend got me to the concert with tea, pizza and a wrist full of friendship bracelets. I’m still in disbelief that I was actually there – what. a. privilege! I have a whole new level of admiration for Taylor. She is one incredibly talented woman and she put on a show like no other. And I’m so grateful for the memories my friend and I made, which I’ll treasure for a lifetime.

    If you haven’t been and you’re here looking for some insight and wondering if the show is worth all of the hype… It absolutely is. The effort put into the whole production, from costume to set design to choreography is incredible. If you’ve got Disney +, I definitely recommend checking out the recording. It’s like lots of mini shows – a whole new staging, set of costumes and dance style for every Taylor album. Not easily achieved and yet Taylor, her band and the dancers around her give it a thousand percent for over three hours straight!

    Me on the other hand? Tuesday, I felt the impact of just pushing through and making it to the concert at all. I collapsed on the sofa the minute I got home, moving only to shower when I started to feel icky.

    Wednesday I felt more energised. I spent a day at the office, joined work colleagues for sunny drinks and met another one of my best friends for dinner. We caught up outside Rosa’s Thai in Soho, sharing a carafe of wine and eating noodles as the sun went down and the streets around us became increasingly buzzy.

    I cried on and off through Thursday and Friday, managing to get my head down at work and somehow tie things up before the bank holiday weekend.

    Friday night we spent with friends, eating chilli, drinking and playing cards until the early hours of the morning, without even noticing the time going by.

    And then yesterday, on a cosy, rainy Saturday afternoon, I finally found peace. I found myself curled up in my arm chair, Avril Lavigne T-Shirt and baggy trousers on, breathing deep and tearing up as relief hit me like an avalanche. I had Cat Burns’ latest album playing, but quietly enough that I could hear the rain pouring down outside the windows. I’d curled up with the intention of reading my book, but I kept putting my book down just to rest my head on the back of the chair, look out the window and watch the trees swaying in the wind.

    And today, I feel like I’m on the way to ok again. I’ve been for a sunny walk and had an everything shower, whilst listening to my favourite Celine Dion album. I’ve watched a couple of very emotional episodes of Love is Blind UK and I had a very wholesome chicken and vegetable soup for lunch.

    Part of me wonders whether the Monday morning crash could have been avoided… If I’d spent the previous Friday morning out walking or curled up in my armchair with my book, instead of binge watching Emily in Paris, would that have brought me the same peace sooner? Or was I just unavoidably run down and tired in a way that would only be solved by a rainy Saturday?

    After all, I am an autumn girl at heart and there’s really nothing like a gloomy weather day to make me feel calm and relaxed. We’ve probably a few summery days still ahead of us, but we are headed for cosy season and I am so here for it.

  • When life gives you lemons, take a break 🍋

    When life gives you lemons, take a break 🍋

    I’d reached that level of tired where everything was making me cry. In the warm evenings, I felt even more hot and bothered than I usually would. I felt constantly hungry and run down, but didn’t really fancy eating anything either. Smoothies became my best friend – I find when I’m low on energy having lazy pre-made smoothie in the fridge can really help pull me through.

    I’ve got five days off work in total, the weekend included. I felt better the minute I left the office on Thursday. I knew I was feeling more myself, because I spent the whole journey home looking forward to tucking into a big ol’ portion of pasta bake.

    Friday was for catching up on jobs around the flat, although not before I’d watched all five new episodes of Emily in Paris. – It was amazing! I swear it just keeps getting better season after season and it was the perfect dose of life in Paris after the Olympics left me craving a visit.

    Yesterday, Dave and I went into town to grab a cheap lunch, watch the football and have a wander. It was sunny, but not too hot and the flower beds around town were looking lovelier than ever. It felt so nice to just be able to spend a Saturday on home turf and we had such a good afternoon, even if the pub’s TV kept losing signal at crucial moments.

    Today we’re up and at ’em and off to my grandparents for lunch with them and my immediate family and then we’re popping in to see a couple of our closest friends and their adorable little man, who just turned two. 

    And tomorrow?… *Drum roll please* Tomorrow I’m going to see Taylor Swift at Wembley!!

    Confession – I’m not a massive Swiftie. One of my best friends and I decided it’d be a super fun way to celebrate turning 30, but neither of us know Taylor’s library inside and out. We got through high school together listening to Taylor’s early hits on repeat and obsessing over how cute the music video for ‘You Belong with Me’ was. But unlike most Swifties, we haven’t been studying the line ups of her other recent shows, we’ve been swiping past every TikTok video from her tour so far and we’re looking forward to being surprised. I have a feeling therefore that we have no idea what we’re in for and we are going to be absolutely blown away. I feel so incredibly lucky to be in a position to be able to go and I’ve no doubt I will cry many tears.

    It’s been impossible not to pick up on the fact that friendship bracelets are a must, so we are going to make some of those. I’m so excited to be sat at hers tomorrow, making our bracelets, listening to Taylor and experiencing that pre-concert buzz that is unlike anything else.

    Right now though? It’s time to hit the road for my grandparents and the early start has hit me a little harder than expected. Whilst I felt so much lighter leaving the office on Thursday night, my butterflies this morning feel like a gentle reminder that I still need to take care. Tiredness doesn’t go away just like that.

    Early start aside, a day at my grandparents may be exactly what I need. My Granny’s roast is better than any other, her garden is most beautiful in the summer and it’ll be so lovely to see everyone.

    It’s a couple of hours drive in the car to get there – I wonder how Dave would feel about a couple of hours spent shuffling Taylor Swift songs on Spotify. There’s nothing better than music when you need a little boost.

  • Daydreamer 💭

    Daydreamer 💭

    I Just Turned Thirty and There Are Some Exciting Life Changes Ahead: I’m Trying to Stay Present and Make the Most of This Summer while Dreaming of a Future House with a Garden.

    I’ve been trying my absolute hardest not to grumble about the heat this week and I’ve felt better for finding a way to be positive about the fact it’s summer. And that’s not to say I haven’t loved all of the autumnal content popping up from my fellow autumn/winter lovelies, but embracing summer and all the joyous things that come with it has helped to turn my frown upside down.

    I’ve enjoyed iced coffees and sandals and summer dresses and hummus and salad and smoothies. I’ve always loved seeing green leaves against blue skies and I’ve spent more time outside this week, which has meant I’ve been able to appreciate clear skies to the fullest.

    I really don’t want to wish the time away, but I’ve also spent a lot of time day-dreaming about what life will be like if we can find ourselves a house with a garden that we can afford. It’s looking like that could be on the cards for us at the end of this year and I’m so excited. It’s the little things that would make summer with a garden even better… Tea or coffee outside in the fresh morning air. BBQ food for dinner with friends or family. The cats rolling in the grass and playing amongst the trees.

    There’s little things about simply living in a house too… Going upstairs to go to bed and back downstairs in the morning. Having bins at the end of the front garden and a slot for post in the front door, so the post just lands on the hallway mat. Hopefully, being able to pop cut flowers in a vase on the kitchen table without worrying about the cats, who will have already dined on the grass outside.

    Oh dear, there I go again.

    I love our flat and I really am determined to make the most of our remaining time here, however long that is, but it’s okay to daydream about the future too I reckon. As long as you remember to come back to the present frequently enough to enjoy the now as well. Right now for example, I’m curled up in my comfiest PJs, I’ve a cup of tea on the go and I’m looking forward to a day with family. Happy Sunday all!

  • Thirty and Thriving 🙌

    Thirty and Thriving 🙌

    It’s Sunday, the sun is shining and we’ve a roast dinner cooking away – nothing makes me happier than a day like this one. We’ve got family staying, I’m one beer down and I’m feeling more chilled than I have in ages. (Besides the football nerves of course – it’s been a nervy couple of weeks for England fans across the country and tonight’s game could be a turning point. Yes, I’m remaining optimistic!)

    My 30th has been and gone and it was FAB, but unfortunately it did coincide with a particularly stressful time at work and between full-on working days and celebrations I’ve barely had a moment to breathe.

    It always says something when I’m feeling like writing again. It says I’m coming out of the other side, my brain is clear of fog and the butterflies are less consuming. Hooray to that and thanks for sticking with me while Chapter Seven hit pause for a short while.

    Even full of brain fog and butterflies, 30 has brought with it a new confidence for me.

    I confess, I had a mini-meltdown on my birthday eve. All I could think was how much I hadn’t done yet. Suddenly my biggest regret in all the world was not having run a half marathon for example, in spite of the fact I’ve never enjoyed running and I’ve never even completed Couch to 5K. BUT since then, I’ve found being 30 somehow has me feeling like I can own my space more and like I’ve earned the right to live authentically and with confidence.

    Thirty has me ordering whisky neat, popping prosecco open without faffing and aiming higher at work and I’m excited to see how long I can ride this wave for.

    I’m so grateful to every person who chose to celebrate with me. I felt so loved throughout my birthday celebrations and there can be no doubt that’s brought me closer to the place I’m in now.

    Now, I know age is just a number. And if you’re reading this in your early twenties, please don’t let your age stop you from owning your space right now. Or if you’re way past 30 and still not feeling confident, please don’t let this make you feel you’re behind – you’re wonderful as you are and everyone is on their own timeline.

    But if you’re reading this on your approach to thirty, worried about reaching the milestone without having done everything you expected, please know that it’s not an ending. It’s just the beginning and there’s so much to be excited about yet. Celebrate all that you have achieved and own your space knowing you’re going into life’s next chapter with more wisdom than you’ve ever had before. In my timeline, I’ve a feeling thirty is where I start to come into my own.

  • Fake it ’til you make it 🍹

    Fake it ’til you make it 🍹

    My cheeks feel warm and rosy, in that way they only do after a couple of days out in the sunshine. Those chilly gale force winds seem to have passed through and this weekend has been verging on summery!

    It turns out Angel, Islington is the perfect place to spend a sunny Saturday afternoon. Yesterday was spent window shopping, brunch eating and wandering around with a bestie and what felt like the entire population of London. So many people had decided Angel was the place to be! People watching on the train on the way in, I couldn’t help noticing how energised people were by the sunshine. I noticed some people had proceeded with caution – opting for layers – whilst others had gone full steam ahead into flip-flops, dresses and summer hats. My outfit landed somewhere in the middle and I was grateful for my cardigan by the end of the day.

    I was certain I’d been to Angel before, but if I have I’ve clearly never stumbled upon the markets and the cute shops because I’d have remembered if I had. I was absolutely in my element! I could have bought the entire contents of one particularly cute book shop and nearly everything in an independent home store.

    We were in Angel to view a space above a pub, which we’re booking to celebrate our 30th birthdays in. It’s absolutely perfect and I’m now more excited about my birthday than ever. We both left absolutely buzzing and headed straight to a pub with outside seating for an Aperol Spritz each and a couple of glasses of wine.

    I spent today wandering around town with another bestie, fuelled by coffee and nattering about work, life and all that we have to look forward to over the next few years.

    It really feels like we’re proper grown ups nowadays. And yet there’s still so much I’m trying to figure out. On one hand, I can’t wait for what’s to come – I know I cannot wait to buy a house and decorate it the way I like, but on the other, I’ve quite enjoyed renting free from worries about decorating and handling repairs. I feel almost ready to be a Mum, but at times I can barely handle worrying about the cats. Sometimes I feel like I’m really acing it at work and others I feel like I’m just faking it till I make it. I walked down the Superdrug make-up aisle today and realised I may know which mascaras I like and don’t like, but I’ve still no idea how to use lip liner or a highlighter pen. I can walk into a pub and confidently browse the wine menu, but I’ll still pay closer attention to the prices than the descriptions of the wines themselves.

    I guess even when you’re all grown up, you’re always learning hey? It’s kind of comforting to think that being an adult isn’t something you can just level up into. I think the closer to 30 I get, the more I realise that even real, proper grown-ups don’t have it all figured out. We just take the lemons life gives us and we get better and better at making lemonade. It helps to have good friends that’s for sure. Especially the kind of friends who will take your picture when your drink perfectly matches your blouse or who will help you search for the perfect pressed powder when the make-up aisle has you feeling clueless, flustered and like you’re 16 again.