Blogging Goodbye to Butterflies

Tag: young adult

  • Officially 22 years young and feeling inspired

     “If you focus too far in front of you, you won’t see the shiny thing out of the corner of your eye” – Tim Minchin

    I’ll start with the job. It’s going really well I think. It’s hard work, but I’m enjoying it. This half term finishes tomorrow and I’ve told the school I’ll go back after the break. I never would have expected to end up in a job like it, but I’m glad I did. There’s so much more to say, but I also don’t want to say too much: I’m off to a good start and a breach of confidentiality might blow it all. In the interest of staying professional, my lips are sealed.

    Life outside of the new job is pretty wonderful. I come home feeling like, in my little patch of this world, I’ve done some good. It feels good to be working hard and I’m proud to be challenging myself. That’s given me such a boost in general. Coming home from my office job was always a miserable affair. I was knackered, my brain hurt and I just wanted bed most days. I don’t miss that one bit.

    My birthday’s been and gone. Birthdays are amazing things. I’m so glad that, at some point in our past, human kind decided we should celebrate the date of our birth each year. I spent this birthday just chilling at home, listening to my new vinyl records, eating lots and drinking Prosecco and I loved it. I couldn’t have been happier. I woke up next to Dave at 5 in the morning and decided that was a little too soon to be waking everyone up. I woke again at half 7 but again, thought it was a little early. I eventually got up at 9 and got straight in the shower. I was ready in a flash and when I got downstairs my mum was making tea and frying bacon and my grandparents were there with hugs and birthday wishes. I’m a child at heart and I was so excited. I was spoilt rotten and by the end of the day I couldn’t stop smiling.

    If you’re thinking that’s all a little too tame for a 22nd birthday celebration, I’m off to Reading with friends again this weekend and I’m certain they’ll make sure I get the necessary boogie-ing and drinking done.

    Lastly, one of my best friends shared this video with me the other day. It rocked my world. The remarkable comedian and musician that is Tim Minchin just sums it all up. He hits the nail on its head. THIS is how I want to live my life from here on in: (Now, I know it’s a long video but stick with it. At least watch the first 11 minutes and 52 seconds. It’s inspirational.)

  • Feeling Positive: A move into special education and the approach to my 22nd birthday

    This week’s been exhausting. In fact, if I’d tried to write this post a couple of days ago I’m sure I just would have grumbled about being tired and feeling anxious and about the gloomy weather forecast for the weekend. The positivity that oozed from my last post would have been non-existent. I’d have never imagined that I could feel as optimistic as I do now.

    But, I did three days work in another school! AND they would like to hire me on an ongoing basis! It’s a school for children who display challenging behaviours and have special educational needs. It’s been challenging so far, but I’ve really enjoyed it too. I’m gaining valuable experience and working with an amazing team of people.

    I’m really excited about the few weeks ahead. In fact, I’m beginning to believe that when, on New Years Day, I said I thought 2016 was going to be my year, I just might have been right. I know that’s a big leap considering, but I feel good. I’m busy, I’m singing again AND working in schools so far has been really fulfilling. I’m finally beginning to take things in my stride. The butterflies have been around more than ever, but they haven’t stopped me taking each day as it comes. And for once they feel rational – who wouldn’t be nervous in the first few weeks of a new job?

    I think I’m beginning to work out what kind of life I want to lead and just in time for my 22nd birthday. One week to go and I’m just beginning to get a little excited. It’ll be my first birthday celebrated at home in 4 years and it’s on a Sunday. I couldn’t be more chuffed.

  • Inspired by London

    Surely not? Surely it can’t be Sunday again. Well, life updates as follows:

      • My nose won’t stop running
      • I might have a job, but as long as I have to put the word might in that sentence I’m not getting carried away: I’m officially signed up to a teaching agency and they seem optimistic about finding me something.
      • I’ve rediscovered the wonder of lip balm and my love for Avril Lavigne.
      • I’ve used ‘deliveroo’ for the first time ever and ordered Nandos chicken to be delivered, which blew my mind

      I spent this weekend in London. For those of you who don’t already know – London is my favourite place to be in the whole wide world. Admittedly, I still have much of the world to see, but of all the cities I’ve been to, it is by far the best. It is the one place on Earth that isn’t home, but feels like home. It is the only place I can go, that I never want to leave.

      I was visiting one of my oldest friends and I was ridiculously excited.

      I made it up and out of bed early Saturday morning to head to a fitness class. I nearly didn’t make it off the sofa again once I’d got home, cooked bacon and sat down in front of the TV, but I got up the stairs, dressed and packed eventually.

      I was in a world of my own for the entirety of the train journey in and I don’t think I completely woke from my daydreams until the moment I saw my friend outside the station. I saw her, my face lit up and, as I quickly began to realise just how much I’d missed her and how happy I was to be there, we hugged. In my head the sun came out at that moment, but if I’m honest, the weather was pretty gloomy.

      I got through two cups of tea while we caught up on life. Then we ended up on the ‘deliveroo’ website and before long Nandos was on its way. We put the last episode of Gossip Girl on while we waited (always my go-to time filler) and it arrived just in time for my tummy to start rumbling. I couldn’t have been happier munching on my butterfly chicken (medium – I’m not a wimp, but I’m not that brave either) and my creamy mash and knowing Michael McIntyre was soon to be on the TV. I got peri-salted chips too, but shh.

      We thoroughly enjoyed Michael’s Big Show, very nearly fell asleep when the credits started rolling, but picked ourselves up and headed out for cocktails. Three cocktails later we wandered home and fell asleep very shortly after our heads hit our pillows.

      The sun really was shining brightly today. We had nutella on toast for breakfast and then we put our tourist hats on. We spent some time wandering aimlessly, enjoying the sunshine and taking photos and I must have said the words ‘I love’ and ‘this place’ a zillion times. Eventually we ended up in a really lovely pub serving even lovelier roast dinners.

      I always leave London feeling like anything is possible. Right now, all I want to do is curl up with Dave and binge watch TV, but I feel like this week I might just conquer life. Even if all I do is start a scrapbook, get outdoors even more, get an update from my teaching agency and finish my book.

      London I Love You, xoxo

    • Here Comes Chapter Two

      Hello Stranger!

      I’ve been sat in the same spot, full of food and drink, for so long that my eyes are heavy and my bum hurts. I’ve still no idea where to begin.

      I thought I was finding my way in the world when I moved back to Cardiff for my second year, but I was very wrong. When you’re at university you’re in a world of your own. The world outside of university is much bigger and in general, people are much meaner. As a graduate, stumbling through just doesn’t seem to cut it.

      Okay, it isn’t all as bad as it sounds. I’ve actually had a pretty good time since graduation and the move back in with my parents. I got a temporary job as an administrator and for a bit I had it all figured out. I went to Milan with friends. I saw Adele at the O2. As I’m back to living with the parents, the fridge is always full of food, my washing often disappears from the laundry basket before I even fill it and the heating actually comes on when it gets cold. I’m reunited with old friends. If I were good enough at living in the present I think life would seem pretty easy.

      I’ve just not really got the long-term career thing figured out yet… I think I know where I want to be, but I’m not quite sure how to get there. I kind of have a plan, but it keeps falling through. In fact, I think it’s looking to the future that makes being a graduate so hard. For many of us, the future is bleak. We’re in limbo. We’re feeling 22, except we’re not Taylor Swift, we don’t have a record deal and we aren’t as pretty either.

      One thing I do know is that I love to write. I always have done. So for now, this blog can be my saving grace. Hopefully it’ll keep me feeling positive whilst I figure this next chapter out. I promise I’ll keep the grumbling to a minimum from here on in. After all, it’s not the end of the world. Really, my time in this world is only just beginning.

    • And so the sun set on my teenage years

      When one of my friends suggested we head to the beach the day before my birthday, I was excited, but I could not have imagined how beautiful it would be. I’d had an exam in the morning, so I spent the majority of the afternoon recovering in bed with a pizza. She picked me up in the early evening. We got fish and chips and then, while the sun set we found ourselves wandering up and down the beach sharing childhood

      Image

      memories and talking about anything and everything. When I got home, after we’d been for cocktails at the loveliest of bars, I fell asleep with the biggest of smiles on my face. Midnight had passed and I wasn’t sad; I felt ready to begin life’s next chapter.

      I think that would have been wonderful enough. I would have been quite happy to have considered my birthday celebrated in style. But I went ahead a continued the celebrations all the same…

      I skyped my mum while I opened my presents. I had got more gifts through the post than I ever would have expected!

      I went out for afternoon tea with some beautiful friends from my course.

      Then I got home again to find my amazing flatmates baked me a surprise birthday cake. They turned out the lights in the flat and sang happy birthday to me and we spent the evening chilling, eating and laughing.

      It wasn’t far from perfect.

      Now I’m facing revision again, but with more enthusiasm than ever before. I feel ridiculously loved and I’m so happy. A month ago, I had no idea if I’d even get to celebrate at all. I was convinced that even if I did celebrate it, I’d be too caught up in the stress of exams to enjoy it. I was completely wrong, as per. I had an amazing day and at the risk of triggering cheese allergies… all because I have such amazing family and friends.

      This year isn’t quite over yet, but I have a feeling the next few weeks are going to speed by. Recently life feels like it’s coming together. It’s been a good year. It’s been a roller coaster ride, but this time ’round I’ve enjoyed plenty more upward slopes and exciting twists and turns. I’ve got a great set of friends here, I’m feeling more confident in myself and my degree and I’ve got an exciting summer ahead. Hey, I think I’m beginning to find my way.

      And so, I think that’s farewell for now, at least for a little while.

      Until that little while is over, keep singing in the shower wordpressers.

    • Realising I’m growing up

      My room at home has been pink and fluffy for as long as I’ve lived in it. When we moved in I was seven and I was allowed to choose just how I wanted it decorated. As a result, the top halves of my walls are covered in pink wallpaper with stars on it, the bottom halves are a deep purple. The carpet is bright red and amazingly soft. The walls are littered with photos of me in my young teens and the shelves are filled with childhood story books, teenage romcoms, fluffy pens, computer games and various ornaments picked up on monumental birthdays.

      It has never really bothered me that it is so childish: There are so many memories attached to it I could never bear the thought of stripping it back and redecorating. Besides, I only live in it for a few months of the year. Sleeping in my old bunk bed isn’t much of a problem for me either, because I simply haven’t grown enough. It was yesterday, when I was sat at my desk reading for an essay on performance practice, that I suddenly felt really out of place. I suddenly felt like an adult sat in a child’s room. It didn’t feel like my room anymore. Me and my dad agreed that perhaps it’s time we thought about redoing it. I am admittedly tempted by the thought of a double bed and a bigger wardrobe.

      Then, yesterday evening I went on a walk down memory lane, although in this case the lane is a bridleway that runs between the part of Chelmsford I live in and the bit next door. A group of us used to do the same walk on a couple of nights, of every week without fail. We’d walk across the bridleway so we could join the rest of our friends at a park, where we would spend hours out in the cold until curfews crept up on us and we had to head back home. The walk back used to terrify me: The bridleway would be pitch black and even if we took the road around it, there were no lampposts and we had to pass a graveyard just before we reached the end. It sounds crazy now, but when me and my friend were reminiscing last night we realised that some of our happiest memories come from evenings spent walking that walk and spending time at that park.

      We chose a beautiful evening to walk the walk last night. It wasn’t even quite as scary as it used to be, because the skies were clear and the moon lit our path up remarkably bright. I still found myself gripping his arm as we passed the graveyard. When, just over a week ago, he sent me the text suggesting that once I got home, we do the walk again for old times sake, I knew I’d love it, but I could not have imagined how much. I hated it as much as I loved it. It made me miss being sixteen more than ever and it made me realise just how much everything has changed. I woke up this morning and it felt like I’d dreamt it. I’d just spent my evening sat on a swing , while the sun set, with one of my best friends, catching up on months worth of life. Then we’d walked back home in the dark, the same way we always did when we were sixteen. It was beautiful, but it made me feel so old.

      I feel like an adult. For the first time ever I’ve come home to find that, actually, I feel kind of grown up.