The Power in Understanding

There was a time I truly believed I could live with my anxiety without ever having to examine the cause. I thought I knew myself inside out. Or, at least, that I knew enough.

For a long time, I never really listened to what my body was trying to tell me. Deep breaths were few and far between and my jaw was never unclenched. I hated the uneasy feeling in my stomach, but, without pause, I’d get to work trying to overcome it. I was determined not to give in to the butterflies, regardless of the toll.

There were times I felt like my own brain was working against me, but instead of paying attention, I wanted to banish negative thoughts as soon as possible. Scary dreams and tired inner voices were brushed off as annoying reminders that I was in some way fragile or broken. I never stopped to sympathise with the parts of me that were trying to be heard.

Every day that I woke up feeling anxious, I felt like I’d failed. I’d fight on for a while and then, eventually it would become too much to handle. I’d burn out. On those days, I felt exasperated. I couldn’t understand how life could be full of so much happiness and yet I could still feel so much fear. Anxiety would feel relentless and the struggle, neverending.

Things began to change when I found the courage to dig deeper. After years of telling myself I could go it alone, I sought help and talked things through… I discovered that I had more reasons to be anxious than I had ever realised. Yes, at times it felt irrational, but my anxiety was a symptom of having been strong for too long and not a sign of weakness. I had been shaped by things I’d experienced and I was carrying those things with me into adulthood.

Realising that changed everything. Nowadays, the butterflies don’t make me feel angry, tired or exasperated in the way they once did. Because I finally realise that I’ve been strong long enough and I deserve some grace.

I realise now that my brain isn’t out to get me. Negative thoughts are a defence mechanism. Butterflies signal to me that I need to slow down, to rest and to pay attention.

Not only do I now accept that my anxiety will always be along for the ride, but I’m willing to make allowances for it.

Meeting my butterflies with kindness brings me more peace than trying to banish them ever did.

So, I used to think that healing meant finally waking up fearless.

Now, I believe it looks like learning to move forward through life, butterflies and all. Not waiting to feel calm before living. Not feeling like a failure for finding life tough.

Most of all, knowing a good day can exist whilst anxiety is present, so long as you go gently.