Turning 30
In Chapter Seven, I finally realise that no-one has it all figured out.
In this chapter’s posts, I’m embracing the fact that I still don’t have all of the answers and I probably never will. As I turn 30, I’m growing in confidence and letting go of the need to be perfect. I enjoy sharing as Dave and I navigate our way through our search for a house to buy and *spoiler alert* am overjoyed to share the story of our engagement.
-
You May Never Really Find Yourself 🌸
Spring is in the air and I can gradually feel my energy levels rising. I’m sure I’m not alone. There’s something about living longer days, seeing growing buds on trees and smelling freshly cut grass that just boosts those happy hormones.
Chapter Seven has been on the horizon for a while. Not only have I felt more like eating healthy, getting active and smiling since March came around, it’s also felt like time to get writing again.
The title of this post might seem a little gloomy. For me, it’s hopeful; it’s about letting go of the need to perfect yourself.
This blog was started by a Bronwen on a mission to find herself. Growing up we’re sold this lie that some day we’ll find ourselves and all will be right in the world. Especially as you reach adulthood, there’s so much talk of finding yourself, i.e. figuring out who you are and what you want in life. We’re told that until you truly find yourself, your relationships won’t be as meaningful and you’ll find it harder to make life’s biggest decisions.
A load of rubbish.
I come to you now as a 29 year old Bronwen, still learning new things about myself every day, always changing, growing and evolving and realising I may never really find myself.
And that’s okay.
We evolve because life is constantly changing and we change with it. Sometimes the scariest thing about change, is how much it threatens to change you as the person you’ve come to know. Change is hard for a huge number of reasons. Among those, there can be a huge pressure to align the new you, in new circumstances with the old versions of yourself. It can feel like you’re losing your identity.
And it can feel like if you lose your identity, you’re going to lose the people around you too, because you feel like the people who love you, loved a specific version of you. And that can be suuuuper scary.
But lately I’m learning there’s nothing wrong with adapting. Some days I love tea and books. Some days I want to drink coffee and binge Gossip Girl. Some days I am sunshiney, but some days I am the opposite.
Being multiple things can be hardest of all in a social media world where we’re told to pick a box in order to find an online community, gain a following or to simply fill out our bio.
Most of all, I think I finally get that we need to know that we can count on the people in our life to enjoy watching us change and grow. Maybe this just comes with age and experience? Maybe eventually we all find freedom to evolve and learn that the people who stick around are the people who count?
Introducing Chapter Seven – the chapter in which I’ll be turning 30! (Eeeek!) In this chapter I may well contradict myself, I may change, I might not seem to have everything figured out, but I’ll ramble freely and share what wisdom I can as always.
And I’ll carry on celebrating the little things, because that’s one thing about me I hope will never change. Although of course it may.
-
Healthy Changes 🪟
Some New Healthy Daily Habits Have Helped With My Mental and Physical Wellbeing.
I’ve made a few really healthy changes this week and I’m well chuffed about it.
We re-arranged my desk on Monday so that I can see out of the window more easily. When I’m sat at my desk working, no-matter how confident and motivated I feel, I’m filled with adrenaline. I imagine this feeling is heightened for me, because I’m a nervous Nellie, but this is probably the case for most of us: We’re switched on when we’re at our desk, especially when we’re keeping a lot of plates spinning.
Looking out of the window, even if just for a moment, helps me to breathe deeper. It’s made such a huge difference.
Moving my desk around has also allowed me to create space for writing and planning. When I ordered one of Papier’s daily planners last year, I did it for what I now think were all the wrong reasons. The perfectionist in me imagined it would allow me to live the ‘perfect’ life, never forget anything again and achieve way more every day.
I’ve picked it back up again, but this time simply to get a little more organised. I’m also using the habit tracker more consistently, but I’m starting achievable habits. I’ve been trying to eat a piece of fruit a day for example. And I’ve pledged to get moving each day.
We also worked out this week that, with my Chilly’s bottle only holding 500ml of water, I need to drink at least 4 bottles a day to be fully hydrated! FOUR! Is is just me that never realised just how much water we need in our life? I drink water all the time and still only re-fill my bottle once a day! This week I’ve been consciously trying to be better and it could be the placebo effect, but I swear I feel better already.
Bank holiday weekend has been for quality time with our nearest and dearest. Coming to you today from the sofa at my Granny and Grandad’s beautiful home. I can hear the clock ticking, the oven whirring and not much else and in spite of lack of sleep, I am feeling calmer than I have in a while.
Happy Easter to those who celebrate! And to those who don’t, Happy Sunday. Hope yours also brings you calm, even if only for a moment.
-
Windswept, tired, but happy 🫖
Adventures in Hertfordshire and Essex: How Two Days Out in the Fresh Air have Rejuvenated Me
I’m curled up on the sofa in comfy pants and a jumper, watching the trees outside the window wave in the wind. I can’t help smiling when I notice they’re getting greener by the minute. The air has definitely smelt more spring-like the last couple of days and I’ve really enjoyed getting out and about – even if it has meant returning home windswept and tired two days in a row…
Yesterday was spent catching up with a friend in a lovely little town called Burnham-on-Crouch. We went for a windy walk along the river front, had the scrummist chicken balti pies and then after nearly blowing away, retreated back to hers for tea and cake.
Today I explored the National Trust’s Wimpole Estate with my Auntie. We also nearly blew away, but my Auntie had a spare hair scrunchie for me, we had a great day exploring and the sun did come out just long enough for us to enjoy a late lunch in the gardens.
It’s been a good week. I’ve felt motivated at work and got cracking on some important bits and pieces. I’ve found time to read and even to sit at my piano… I know I’m feeling happy when I feel like being creative.
This coming week it feels like it’ll be important to factor in rest. Our bank holiday weekend last week was a busy one and this one’s also been packed full and whilst I’m so grateful for family and friends and longer days and lovely plans, I’m very wary of burning out. I’m well aware that I’m guilty of pushing through and forgetting to take a moment. A lot of the time I’ll blindly go about life without even realising I’m tiring and then out of nowhere I’ll collapse in an overwhelmed heap. Rest is key. And with that in mind, I’m going to hit post, refill my water and pop something comforting on the TV – perhaps Stacey Solomon ‘Sort Your Life Out’ because it comes highly recommended by a friend who knows me very well.
-
Fake it ’til you make it 🍹
My cheeks feel warm and rosy, in that way they only do after a couple of days out in the sunshine. Those chilly gale force winds seem to have passed through and this weekend has been verging on summery!
It turns out Angel, Islington is the perfect place to spend a sunny Saturday afternoon. Yesterday was spent window shopping, brunch eating and wandering around with a bestie and what felt like the entire population of London. So many people had decided Angel was the place to be! People watching on the train on the way in, I couldn’t help noticing how energised people were by the sunshine. I noticed some people had proceeded with caution – opting for layers – whilst others had gone full steam ahead into flip-flops, dresses and summer hats. My outfit landed somewhere in the middle and I was grateful for my cardigan by the end of the day.
I was certain I’d been to Angel before, but if I have I’ve clearly never stumbled upon the markets and the cute shops because I’d have remembered if I had. I was absolutely in my element! I could have bought the entire contents of one particularly cute book shop and nearly everything in an independent home store.
We were in Angel to view a space above a pub, which we’re booking to celebrate our 30th birthdays in. It’s absolutely perfect and I’m now more excited about my birthday than ever. We both left absolutely buzzing and headed straight to a pub with outside seating for an Aperol Spritz each and a couple of glasses of wine.
I spent today wandering around town with another bestie, fuelled by coffee and nattering about work, life and all that we have to look forward to over the next few years.
It really feels like we’re proper grown ups nowadays. And yet there’s still so much I’m trying to figure out. On one hand, I can’t wait for what’s to come – I know I cannot wait to buy a house and decorate it the way I like, but on the other, I’ve quite enjoyed renting free from worries about decorating and handling repairs. I feel almost ready to be a Mum, but at times I can barely handle worrying about the cats. Sometimes I feel like I’m really acing it at work and others I feel like I’m just faking it till I make it. I walked down the Superdrug make-up aisle today and realised I may know which mascaras I like and don’t like, but I’ve still no idea how to use lip liner or a highlighter pen. I can walk into a pub and confidently browse the wine menu, but I’ll still pay closer attention to the prices than the descriptions of the wines themselves.
I guess even when you’re all grown up, you’re always learning hey? It’s kind of comforting to think that being an adult isn’t something you can just level up into. I think the closer to 30 I get, the more I realise that even real, proper grown-ups don’t have it all figured out. We just take the lemons life gives us and we get better and better at making lemonade. It helps to have good friends that’s for sure. Especially the kind of friends who will take your picture when your drink perfectly matches your blouse or who will help you search for the perfect pressed powder when the make-up aisle has you feeling clueless, flustered and like you’re 16 again.
-
Memories and DMCs 🥹
Last week was a tough one at work. Emotions were high and with a high workload in the mix too, it was hard to switch off. But a wise person told me not to underestimate the power of regular mini breaks. And of using those breaks to identify tension and do something about it – relax those shoulders, move those wrists, stretch that aching back. It worked wonders.
Work being stressful also had me craving more sleep and snoozing that alarm, until I realised that was the opposite of what I needed and in fact, an early start would make me feel much better.
Not only did I get up earlier from Wednesday onwards, I also treated myself to Curiously Cinnamon cereal, because it was on offer and I knew it’d bring me joy when enjoyed with a cup of tea and cat cuddles.
It’s weeks like this one, which make me realise just how far I’ve come from the 17 year old who got her first job as a runner at a Mexican restaurant and cried when the chef shouted at her for not shouting loudly enough at him when firing the fajitas. Or the Bronwen who got butterflies every day before her admin job at a brickwork company.
One month and one day until I turn 30.
I’m excited to head into my 31st year of life, but I can’t help reflecting on the last 30 too. I keep scrolling through old photos on my phone and sharing them with my nearest and dearest – I think my friends may already be sick of receiving photos captioned with crying face emojis.
The last year alone has contained so many ups and downs, so many memories and so much growth. The instagrammers among you may have seen that this week marked one whole year since I flew out to Los Angeles to see Dave after we had spent months apart.
I learned so much from that experience – from where to find the best burgers in LA and where to watch the sunset to how strong Dave and I are as individuals and as partners.
FYI – The best burgers in LA can be found at In-N-Out Burger. And whilst you’ll no doubt find it crowded with people doing the same thing, the sunset from the Griffith Observatory is one of a kind. Thank me later.
-
Flop and Reset 💤
This will be my fifth time trying to start today’s post. The first time I sat down in the cosy corner of our sofa that seems to have become my go-to writing spot, Willow sat on my lap before I could grab the laptop. The next time, I went to start typing only to notice my tummy rumbling and realise it was lunch time. I went to take a seat just now, having got back from a last minute run to the shops for dinner supplies, only to hear Mambo meowing for brushes from the bedroom.
Now here I am, Willow cuddled, tummy filled and Mambo brushed and ready to focus on keeping up my current streak. I don’t think, in the history of this blog, I have ever managed to post quite so consistently – wahey!
This week has gone by in a flash. Work was busy. Wednesday was spent in London and Thursday in a lovely little Suffolk town called Bury St Edmunds. (I had the yummiest cheese scone and takeaway coffee from a little cafe/restaurant called No.5.) I was busy outside of work. I decided this was the week to Spring clean and spent my lunch breaks hoovering and organising. Thursday night I headed back into London for dinner and drinks with a friend and we happened upon what I think might be the friendliest Kings Cross pub. Friday night was spent with another wonderful friend, wine and one of my favourite films.
And then our plans for the rest of the weekend were cancelled. And I’m so sad we didn’t get to see our LOVELY friends, but I have to confess it has felt sooooo good to flop.
It’s been grey and rainy this weekend so far – the perfect weather for creating cosy vibes. I had the lamp on earlier and felt so snuggly. But now the sun is coming out and I’ve been to the shop and I can feel my energy rising again. It wasn’t a week long break in the Bahamas, but it turns out a couple of days in my comfy clothes watching TV and films and reading my book were precisely what I needed. Going into another busy week this week, but feeling good about it. After all, we’re going into May this week and May is without a doubt the best month of the year.
-
Live Fearlessly: Empowering Lessons from ‘The Bold Type’💛
Anyone seen the TV series ‘The Bold Type’? If you’re in the UK, it’s currently available on BBC i-player and I am about to watch it for the third time. It’s a TV show about three young women working at a fashion magazine in New York called Scarlet, but it’s so much more than that, stay with me!
I just finished episode one and at the end of the episode, the Editor-in-Chief of the magazine makes this empowering speech about how she hopes Scarlet supports women to live fearlessly. One of the three women who the show centres around talks earlier in the episode about how she didn’t have a female role model growing up and that reading Scarlet was like having a big sister.
The show does exactly what the magazine sets out to do – it leaves me feeling so inspired every time I watch it. Inspired to go out and finally figure out the right lipstick shade for me and buy a lipstick that I can wear with confidence. Inspired to revamp my wardrobe and go get my hair done. And hugely inspired to get myself on a flight to New York asap. BUT also inspired to live boldly, fight for what I deserve and cling onto my friends for life.
So, I come to you today an inspired Bronwen! I’d absolutely love it if some day my writing empowered young women in that way.
It’s a very typical Sunday in my world today. I’m currently curled up in my Disney PJs, I have yesterday’s mascara under my eyes and my hair is sticking out at all angles.
Somehow, in spite of me going on my Spring clean mission week before last, there’s still so much that needs doing around the flat. I’m staying in my PJs until I feel up to tackling another area. I think I might focus on getting the bedroom and ensuite sorted out, armed with the hoover, vinegar and a mop. A good friend tells me vinegar might be smelly, but it’s a saviour when it comes to cleaning the shower. Looking forward to potentially leaving the shower super shiny without having spent a half hour inhaling toxic fumes.
On a much more exciting note, it’s bank holiday weekend here in England, so tomorrow I’m headed into London to make the most of the extra day off with one of my besties. She turns 30 the day before I do, so we’re celebrating in style ahead of time. We’ve got tickets to Frameless – the Marble Arch immersive art exhibition and we’ll be getting fancy pasta for lunch.
Just two more weeks of work and then I’ve got a week booked off for my birthday itself. HOW EXCITING.
-
A Sunshine-y time at Welwyn Garden City’s Food Festival 🌞
Radio One’s James Cusack is playing some absolute tunes right now on the 10s show! I’m currently sat on our sofa, in shorts and a t-shirt, with the blinds closed, hiding from the sunshine and singing along when I know the words.
It’s been such a lovely weekend. We braved the sunshine yesterday and ventured out to Welwyn Garden City food festival with a couple of our best friends and their little one.
A strong breeze and cold drinks kept us cool whilst we had the best time browsing the food stands and choosing our faves. We managed to hit the bao bun truck, loaded fries van, mac and cheese stand, burrito truck, vegan soul food van and greek wrap stands between us, ending with a visit to one of the churros vans too! The churros were served alongside the scrummiest chocolate custard.
I finished the day smiling hugely and feeling oh so grateful for the best of friends and all of the yummy food and drink we’d enjoyed.
Today, besides writing, I plan not to do much of anything at all. Last week was another tough one at work and so rest is definitely required before Monday comes around again. The butterflies are fluttering just at the thought of it.
BUT this week will be my last working week before I take a week off for my birthday! One final week and then onwards into a week full of more wonderful plans with my nearest and dearest.
In spite of work worries and niggles, it feels like I have a lot to be grateful for right now. Determined to soak it up.
Without further ado, on this lazy, sunny Sunday, I’ll just be here drinking water, keeping cool and singing along to Viva la Vida by Coldplay.
Woah-oh-oh-oh-ohhhhh-oh!
-
Thirty and Thriving 🙌
It’s Sunday, the sun is shining and we’ve a roast dinner cooking away – nothing makes me happier than a day like this one. We’ve got family staying, I’m one beer down and I’m feeling more chilled than I have in ages. (Besides the football nerves of course – it’s been a nervy couple of weeks for England fans across the country and tonight’s game could be a turning point. Yes, I’m remaining optimistic!)
My 30th has been and gone and it was FAB, but unfortunately it did coincide with a particularly stressful time at work and between full-on working days and celebrations I’ve barely had a moment to breathe.
It always says something when I’m feeling like writing again. It says I’m coming out of the other side, my brain is clear of fog and the butterflies are less consuming. Hooray to that and thanks for sticking with me while Chapter Seven hit pause for a short while.
Even full of brain fog and butterflies, 30 has brought with it a new confidence for me.
I confess, I had a mini-meltdown on my birthday eve. All I could think was how much I hadn’t done yet. Suddenly my biggest regret in all the world was not having run a half marathon for example, in spite of the fact I’ve never enjoyed running and I’ve never even completed Couch to 5K. BUT since then, I’ve found being 30 somehow has me feeling like I can own my space more and like I’ve earned the right to live authentically and with confidence.
Thirty has me ordering whisky neat, popping prosecco open without faffing and aiming higher at work and I’m excited to see how long I can ride this wave for.
I’m so grateful to every person who chose to celebrate with me. I felt so loved throughout my birthday celebrations and there can be no doubt that’s brought me closer to the place I’m in now.
Now, I know age is just a number. And if you’re reading this in your early twenties, please don’t let your age stop you from owning your space right now. Or if you’re way past 30 and still not feeling confident, please don’t let this make you feel you’re behind – you’re wonderful as you are and everyone is on their own timeline.
But if you’re reading this on your approach to thirty, worried about reaching the milestone without having done everything you expected, please know that it’s not an ending. It’s just the beginning and there’s so much to be excited about yet. Celebrate all that you have achieved and own your space knowing you’re going into life’s next chapter with more wisdom than you’ve ever had before. In my timeline, I’ve a feeling thirty is where I start to come into my own.
-
Swinging away the butterflies 🎶
The first half of this week was full of butterflies and nauseating tummy flutters and a night of jazz helped me see them off just in time for the weekend.
Filling in my planner Monday morning, I popped ‘inhale confidence, exhale doubt’ on my list of priorities. I knew already that I’d need to believe in myself to tackle the week ahead.
In moments of anxiety and nausea it was harder to prioritise time to breathe but I did manage to find enough confidence to get through two days at the office and some really important meetings. I’m learning to remember that confidence and butterflies aren’t mutually exclusive – in fact, it takes confidence to take life on with butterflies in tow.
I finished ‘Daisy Jones & the Six’ by Taylor Jenkins-Reid this week, because I spent quite a lot of time reading (which also helped with the nerves). When I headed to update Instagram and my Goodreads account, I was so close to rating it 5 out of 5, but landed on a 4 in the end – I loved it and I’m so grateful for the respite it’s given me whilst I’ve been reading it, but it’s not going down as one of my absolute faves. This doesn’t mean I wouldn’t recommend it, in fact I definitely would! I’d recommend the Amazon TV show too – the music is BRILLIANT.
Speaking of music, a night of jazz on Thursday helped me say good riddance to the butterflies once and for all… A fab friend and I headed to Alfie’s Soho for a jam night. Right in the heart of Soho’s jazz scene and just around the corner from Ronnie Scott’s, Alfie’s is up a flight of stairs, dimly lit with candles and crammed full of stools and chairs. We had a great time escaping for the evening. We were left absolutely in awe of the musicians, who rocked up with their instruments, took to the stage without knowing the other musicians around them and played jazz with them as if they’d been playing together for years. I did a whole module on the history of Jazz at uni and yet I don’t think I’d ever actually seen it performed like this. It was very cool!
If you’ve been following along long enough, you may remember that La La Land is my absolute favourite film in all of the world and that I LOVE London. To be sat in a jazz bar, not too different from Seb’s, in the middle of Soho made me feel all kinds of happy and grateful.
The butterflies are just starting to creep back in today, but Friday night was spent eating pasta bake and watching the Olympic opening ceremony and the rest of the weekend has been spent with some of our closest friends and their little ones and so I do feel rejuvenated. Hoping this week might be a little less butterfly-full, but also feeling safe in the knowledge that I’ll be okay either way. After all, I’ve now got over 30 years of living behind me and time and time again I’ve proved that my anxiety can’t hold me back.
-
Daydreamer 💭
I Just Turned Thirty and There Are Some Exciting Life Changes Ahead: I’m Trying to Stay Present and Make the Most of This Summer while Dreaming of a Future House with a Garden.
I’ve been trying my absolute hardest not to grumble about the heat this week and I’ve felt better for finding a way to be positive about the fact it’s summer. And that’s not to say I haven’t loved all of the autumnal content popping up from my fellow autumn/winter lovelies, but embracing summer and all the joyous things that come with it has helped to turn my frown upside down.
I’ve enjoyed iced coffees and sandals and summer dresses and hummus and salad and smoothies. I’ve always loved seeing green leaves against blue skies and I’ve spent more time outside this week, which has meant I’ve been able to appreciate clear skies to the fullest.
I really don’t want to wish the time away, but I’ve also spent a lot of time day-dreaming about what life will be like if we can find ourselves a house with a garden that we can afford. It’s looking like that could be on the cards for us at the end of this year and I’m so excited. It’s the little things that would make summer with a garden even better… Tea or coffee outside in the fresh morning air. BBQ food for dinner with friends or family. The cats rolling in the grass and playing amongst the trees.
There’s little things about simply living in a house too… Going upstairs to go to bed and back downstairs in the morning. Having bins at the end of the front garden and a slot for post in the front door, so the post just lands on the hallway mat. Hopefully, being able to pop cut flowers in a vase on the kitchen table without worrying about the cats, who will have already dined on the grass outside.
Oh dear, there I go again.
I love our flat and I really am determined to make the most of our remaining time here, however long that is, but it’s okay to daydream about the future too I reckon. As long as you remember to come back to the present frequently enough to enjoy the now as well. Right now for example, I’m curled up in my comfiest PJs, I’ve a cup of tea on the go and I’m looking forward to a day with family. Happy Sunday all!
-
When life gives you lemons, take a break 🍋
I’d reached that level of tired where everything was making me cry. In the warm evenings, I felt even more hot and bothered than I usually would. I felt constantly hungry and run down, but didn’t really fancy eating anything either. Smoothies became my best friend – I find when I’m low on energy having lazy pre-made smoothie in the fridge can really help pull me through.
I’ve got five days off work in total, the weekend included. I felt better the minute I left the office on Thursday. I knew I was feeling more myself, because I spent the whole journey home looking forward to tucking into a big ol’ portion of pasta bake.
Friday was for catching up on jobs around the flat, although not before I’d watched all five new episodes of Emily in Paris. – It was amazing! I swear it just keeps getting better season after season and it was the perfect dose of life in Paris after the Olympics left me craving a visit.
Yesterday, Dave and I went into town to grab a cheap lunch, watch the football and have a wander. It was sunny, but not too hot and the flower beds around town were looking lovelier than ever. It felt so nice to just be able to spend a Saturday on home turf and we had such a good afternoon, even if the pub’s TV kept losing signal at crucial moments.
Today we’re up and at ’em and off to my grandparents for lunch with them and my immediate family and then we’re popping in to see a couple of our closest friends and their adorable little man, who just turned two.
And tomorrow?… *Drum roll please* Tomorrow I’m going to see Taylor Swift at Wembley!!
Confession – I’m not a massive Swiftie. One of my best friends and I decided it’d be a super fun way to celebrate turning 30, but neither of us know Taylor’s library inside and out. We got through high school together listening to Taylor’s early hits on repeat and obsessing over how cute the music video for ‘You Belong with Me’ was. But unlike most Swifties, we haven’t been studying the line ups of her other recent shows, we’ve been swiping past every TikTok video from her tour so far and we’re looking forward to being surprised. I have a feeling therefore that we have no idea what we’re in for and we are going to be absolutely blown away. I feel so incredibly lucky to be in a position to be able to go and I’ve no doubt I will cry many tears.
It’s been impossible not to pick up on the fact that friendship bracelets are a must, so we are going to make some of those. I’m so excited to be sat at hers tomorrow, making our bracelets, listening to Taylor and experiencing that pre-concert buzz that is unlike anything else.
Right now though? It’s time to hit the road for my grandparents and the early start has hit me a little harder than expected. Whilst I felt so much lighter leaving the office on Thursday night, my butterflies this morning feel like a gentle reminder that I still need to take care. Tiredness doesn’t go away just like that.
Early start aside, a day at my grandparents may be exactly what I need. My Granny’s roast is better than any other, her garden is most beautiful in the summer and it’ll be so lovely to see everyone.
It’s a couple of hours drive in the car to get there – I wonder how Dave would feel about a couple of hours spent shuffling Taylor Swift songs on Spotify. There’s nothing better than music when you need a little boost.
-
On my way to OK again 👌
I was right when I said that the butterflies were gentling warning me to take care. I had a wonderful day at my grandparents with family, but on Monday morning, tiredness and anxiety hit me all over again like a brick. And I felt devastated because if you were paying attention you’ll remember, Monday was Taylor Swift Eras tour day!
Dave got me out the door and in the car with hugs and moral support and my friend got me to the concert with tea, pizza and a wrist full of friendship bracelets. I’m still in disbelief that I was actually there – what. a. privilege! I have a whole new level of admiration for Taylor. She is one incredibly talented woman and she put on a show like no other. And I’m so grateful for the memories my friend and I made, which I’ll treasure for a lifetime.
If you haven’t been and you’re here looking for some insight and wondering if the show is worth all of the hype… It absolutely is. The effort put into the whole production, from costume to set design to choreography is incredible. If you’ve got Disney +, I definitely recommend checking out the recording. It’s like lots of mini shows – a whole new staging, set of costumes and dance style for every Taylor album. Not easily achieved and yet Taylor, her band and the dancers around her give it a thousand percent for over three hours straight!
Me on the other hand? Tuesday, I felt the impact of just pushing through and making it to the concert at all. I collapsed on the sofa the minute I got home, moving only to shower when I started to feel icky.
Wednesday I felt more energised. I spent a day at the office, joined work colleagues for sunny drinks and met another one of my best friends for dinner. We caught up outside Rosa’s Thai in Soho, sharing a carafe of wine and eating noodles as the sun went down and the streets around us became increasingly buzzy.
I cried on and off through Thursday and Friday, managing to get my head down at work and somehow tie things up before the bank holiday weekend.
Friday night we spent with friends, eating chilli, drinking and playing cards until the early hours of the morning, without even noticing the time going by.
And then yesterday, on a cosy, rainy Saturday afternoon, I finally found peace. I found myself curled up in my arm chair, Avril Lavigne T-Shirt and baggy trousers on, breathing deep and tearing up as relief hit me like an avalanche. I had Cat Burns’ latest album playing, but quietly enough that I could hear the rain pouring down outside the windows. I’d curled up with the intention of reading my book, but I kept putting my book down just to rest my head on the back of the chair, look out the window and watch the trees swaying in the wind.
And today, I feel like I’m on the way to ok again. I’ve been for a sunny walk and had an everything shower, whilst listening to my favourite Celine Dion album. I’ve watched a couple of very emotional episodes of Love is Blind UK and I had a very wholesome chicken and vegetable soup for lunch.
Part of me wonders whether the Monday morning crash could have been avoided… If I’d spent the previous Friday morning out walking or curled up in my armchair with my book, instead of binge watching Emily in Paris, would that have brought me the same peace sooner? Or was I just unavoidably run down and tired in a way that would only be solved by a rainy Saturday?
After all, I am an autumn girl at heart and there’s really nothing like a gloomy weather day to make me feel calm and relaxed. We’ve probably a few summery days still ahead of us, but we are headed for cosy season and I am so here for it.
-
‘A Sky Full of Stars’: Tales from a long weekend camping in Dartmouth✨
This morning I put a torch in the washing machine. I was just finally getting around to doing the last of our dirty washing from our camping trip last weekend and when I heard the clunking, my first thought was that one of us might have picked a pebble up off the beach and left it in a pocket. When I got to the machine though, I could see the end of our torch whizzing around in circles between the clothes, loudly hitting the outside of the machine every now and again.
I hit the pause button immediately, but even with the machine on pause, the door didn’t open. Next thing I know, I’m on the phone to my Dad, we’re both reading the machine’s manual online and we’re coming to the conclusion that we’re just going to have to let the machine run until the first cycle is over and it can drain. At one point, the water triggered the switch on the torch and the light came on, so that I could see it whizzing around even clearer than before, like a menacing under water disco light. Eventually the cycle ended, the water drained, I hit pause and thankfully, I was able to open the door and retrieve the torch. Now just to figure out how to safely dispose of it, given it will most likely never be safe to use again.
Luckily, packing for camping went much better than unpacking has. Between us, we really had thought of everything. We filled the car with shoes, canvas bags, portable chargers, towels, snacks, clothes, jackets, sleeping bags, duvets, yoga mats and blankets and off we went. We’d been invited to a join family on a camp site in Dartmouth for a weekend of 60th birthday celebrations and we had such a good time.
From the moment we arrived, I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. I always love being by the sea and Dartmouth is a particularly lovely seaside town. We enjoyed ice cream and fish and chips galore. We walked up and down a pebbled beach with the happiest of dogs in tow. We went and explored Agatha Christie’s holiday home and I got to play her grand piano!
Perhaps unsurprisingly, given we were camping in England in September, we dealt with sunshine, rain, wind and cold and yet we made the best of things. When some noisy sheep disrupted our sleep on night one, we left the tent to head to the campsite toilets only to look up and see a deep, dark, beautiful sky full of stars. When we got caught out in the rain on day two, I found myself smiling hugely making my way down a footpath with my backpack on and brolly held high, reminded of rainy, English childhood holidays. And when the wind hammered on the side of the biggest tent on day three, I felt cosier than ever sat in a deck chair, sipping red wine and playing card games.
All of that said, we returned home more grateful than ever for our bed and our super cosy sofa. And now it’s hard to believe a whole ‘nother week has gone by. In spite of lack of sleep, camping did leave me feeling refreshed and I found myself back at work with a fresh perspective this week. I took it in my stride a little more and was more productive as a result.
On Thursday, I was out and about in London and was reminded just how much I love the city. Yesterday, my best friend and I were at Welwyn Garden City’s world food fest, enjoying everything from South African to Greek. And today? Today’s a chill day and I find myself feeling tired, but grateful. There’s so much to love about this little life of mine. We’re very quickly headed for my favourite time of year and I’m determined to make the most of it.
-
Diversions in life make way for new adventures 🗺️
Today’s the best kind of Sunday – I’m off out to meet one of my best friends for a roast dinner and a country walk. The pub we’ve found for Sunday roast is so popular that they called me on Friday just to make sure we still wanted our table and it couldn’t be offered to someone else. I bet the roast potatoes will be super yummy.
This week has been a bit of an uphill struggle and not only did I feel anxious and tired and headachy and run down as I so frequently do, but I made it worse by stressing about why I might be feeling that way at a time when life is supposedly pretty good.
I sat on the sofa one night running over everything I could possibly be stressing about this time. Work? Fine. Friendships? Pretty fab. Family? Love ’em. Cats? Happy and healthy. Life admin? Manageable.
It never gets easier to accept that anxiety is a part of my life and that it can be an irrational response to simply just being.
But I’m not too mad I over thought it, as I’ve done some research over the weekend which has been really enlightening. I think maybe my hormones took a swing at a certain time in a certain monthly cycle. It’s been comforting to read that, if that is the case, I’m not alone. Turns out there are multiple times in the month when those of us with cycles can feel more in a tizz and that hormones can do their thing more often as we got older. Whilst this is miserable news, it is comforting to think that maybe next time I’ll be a little gentler with myself. 30 years behind me and still learning new things about my body and my butterflies all the time.
Pleased to have made it through in spite of it all. I had a productive week at work and it’s been a lovely weekend so far, full of time with friends. On Friday night I went to visit a friend and her absolutely precious new born baby girl. Last night, I was out celebrating one of my best friend’s 30th birthday at a London pub. The tube got suspended and I ended up getting the bus and then taking a walk through Wandsworth Park to get there, which was BEAUTIFUL. Once there, I had the best time playing pool, nattering with lovely ladies I haven’t seen in ages and saying cheers to the birthday girl with bubbles and cupcakes.
Today, I’m excited for roast potatoes, a long overdue catch up and I’m excited to get in the car and listen to Taylor Swift at top volume… If I wasn’t a Swiftie before going to the Eras tour, I most definitely am now. I’m currently making my way through ‘evermore’ and loving every moment. Also am currently obsessed with Raye’s album ’21st Century Blues’ and Cat Burns’ ‘Early Twenties’.
Happy Sunday all! Lessons learned this week – we should all go a little easier on ourselves when we feel run down, because sometimes our bodies just need a rest. Time with friends is so precious and always worth pushing through for. And being thrown off the tube isn’t always a bad thing, because taking a new route can be pretty wonderful.
-
Way more than 66 Books 📚
Yesterday I went to book lover heaven. My friend and I met for a super scummy brekky and a catch up, before hopping in an Uber to 66 Books to go book shopping!
For those who don’t already know, 66 Books, is a fully operational book warehouse in Hertfordshire which a company called 66 Book Club open up to the public once or twice a month. This means, on those open days (check out the book club’s FB page for dates: https://www.facebook.com/@66bookclub/) you can explore the aisles full of books for as long as you’d like. It’s like having access to a massive library – except the books aren’t categorised by author, title or genre and are (we assumed) sorted by some kind of mysterious warehouse coding system.
Not only can you explore, but after you’ve browsed the shelves you can buy as many books as you like for 70% off retail price (once you’ve paid £2 for membership of the book club)! We queued from about 12:20pm until about 3pm (so just under three hours) but it was so worth it! We both came away happily with bundles of books and full book loving hearts.
And today!? Today, Dave and I are on our house hunt! I can’t believe we’re actually here. We’re back in our home town and we’re actually potentially going to look at our future home. My tummy is butterfly central, but mostly in a good way.
I know it’s most likely we’ll spend a lot longer searching before putting in any offers, but these houses are really very promising prospects… I think.
My friend patiently spent a solid amount of our time queueing yesterday going through the Rightmove listings with me and weighing up pros and cons. I have been finding it really hard to imagine what these homes would look like once we’d made them ours, but talking through imaginary colour schemes and furniture layouts with her really helped.
Stay tuned to find out how we get on and thanks as always for being along for the ride.
-
Life doesn’t stop because you’re house hunting 🏘️
Dave and I’s first day of house viewings was a little disheartening, but the second day (crammed full of twice as many viewings) was much more promising. We’ve not found our future home yet, but we have gotten to a point where we’re much more clued up on what our actual deal breakers are and what we love in a house.
I genuinely went into our search thinking all we needed was any house with a roof, walls, three bedrooms and a garden. I’d never really paid much attention to how different houses are. We’ve seen so many different types of 3 bedroom house and it turns out it’s all so much more complicated.
I’ve gone from impatiently revisiting every Rightmove listing wondering if there’s a house we’ve overlooked or could make work, to realising that we should take this slow. We’re in the extremely privileged position of being able to take our time searching and I think that’d be the first bit of advice I’d give to anyone looking to buy a home – if you have the luxury of time, don’t rush it.
Another reason to take it slow is that, life hasn’t stopped for the house search. And for a little while there, I was definitely overdoing it. Work has been busy as ever and there’s been a lot else exciting going on besides us scrolling Rightmove on the daily. In fact, it’s been a hectic few weeks since I last wrote.
My Dad and I road tripped up to Manchester to see my little brother and his girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. They live in this super cool flat, on the one-from-the-top floor of a block of flats, with incredible views of the Manchester city skyline. We spent two days eating yummy food, catching up on life and seeing some of the sights. I started to feel a little poorly while we were there and was grateful to be with family, able to take things in my stride – on the Saturday afternoon, when I ran out of energy all together, we all went back to the flat to cosy down with tea and snacks and watch the most random movie on Disney +.
It was just a cold. I thought I was going to be able to push through a week working from home when Monday came around, but it actually hit me pretty hard! By Wednesday, I was crying on the sofa feeling totally drained and too snotty to mention.
I did thankfully recover in time for our second lot of house viewings that weekend.
Then, this week just gone, Dave and I’s boiler broke down. The pressure dropped, the error light came on, we reported the fault and next thing we knew, an engineer was sticking a ‘DO NOT USE’ warning sticker on the front of it and telling us we’d need a replacement. I had two cold showers in the time it was out of action and I must say, whilst I will probably never choose to do it again (especially not in autumn) I did feel the benefits you always hear about.,, I felt energised and refreshed and I’m sure my hair was softer too.
The new boiler was fitted on Friday and I’m incredibly grateful to be living in a home with hot water again.
Yesterday, I spent a wonderfully autumnal day at Kew with one of my best friends. We wandered among the trees and leaves, caught up on life, drank tea and cake and finished the day with red wine and pie at a pub nearby.
And now here I am. Curled up on the sofa at the end of a very lazy day, but still shattered. Looking forward to an evening eating chicken, broccoli and roast potatoes and catching up on Strictly Come Dancing. Can you imagine an evening more wholesome?
-
Festive Season Butterflies: Finding peace at the busiest time of the year 🎄
This morning was meant to be a slow morning. Yesterday was spent running in and out of shops getting the last of our Christmas presents and then putting our tree up, before flopping in front of the Strictly Come Dancing final with a glass of red. When we eventually flopped, I felt so happy at the thought of a lazy evening and a lazy morning to follow it.
Then, disappointingly, I woke up at 6 am with a head full of anxious thoughts. I restlessly snoozed for a couple more hours before giving in and getting up to get myself a cup of tea. I found that, even curled up on the sofa looking at our lovely little Christmas tree, I couldn’t chill. I reviewed my to-do list to confirm to myself there was nothing urgent that needed actioning, but even that didn’t work. 08;45 came around and with that, my prompt to fill in my gratitude journal for the day and yet, even a moment of gratitude didn’t calm my anxious brain.
Isn’t this time of year the most wonderful and the most stressful all at once!?
If you’re anything like me, one moment you’re joyfully singing along to Mariah Carey and then the next you’re panic shopping for little extras in the Christmassy aisle of your local supermarket or re-doing your sums in a panic that you’ve not budgeted correctly after all and you’re going to find yourself bankrupt by Christmas Eve.
I love this time of year. I really do. The twinkling lights everywhere you go. The Christmas songs playing in every shop and on the radio whenever you get in the car. The quality time with family and friends. The glorious amount of food and drink for those of us who are privileged enough. The general cheer.
I even love the Winter. The late sunrises which on a clear day can fill your home with sunlight. The dark, gloomy evenings spent chilling with candles lit. The woolen jumpers and socks and hats that help us keep warm. I think that’s one of the reasons this time of year can be so hard in the more anxious moments. The days are short, the weather is cold and yet, instead of cosying down we can find ourselves feeling obligated to get out and about more than ever. This can lead to tiredness, which can niggle away at our mental health.
I also totally buy into the concept of rounding off one year and then entering another and I enjoy that process. I think it’s important to rest and reflect before diving head first into another year of resolutions and adventures. But at the busiest time of year, it’s hard to make time to rest and reflect and before we know it, Christmas can come and go without us having taken a single moment to properly savour it or plan for what’s ahead.
And so, I think it’s about finding peace where you can and if peace doesn’t come easily, persisting until you find a way.
In the end, after I’d filled in my gratitude journal, I grabbed myself a bowl of cereal and scrolled through Spotify in search of something festive yet calming, that might help me get some rest. I stumbled upon Nora Jones’ Christmas album and finally caught my breath. She’s been keeping me steady ever since and I’m now thoroughly enjoying typing away whilst sipping another cup of tea.
For those who have been keeping up with Chapter Seven, BIG NEWS! Dave and I have found a house which we really love! There’s a long way to go yet until it’s officially ours, but we’re over the moon and very excited. We’ve also started the extremely daunting conveyancing process, which of course means there are all sorts of other things cluttering up my anxious brain at the moment.
Which brings me to my final point…
It’s not just Christmas. Life goes on throughout the festive season. And keeping up with life on top of all of the wonderful festivities can be A LOT. So, give yourself grace. Listen to the calmer Christmas music. Light a candle and watch the flame for a little while. Turn the Christmas Tree lights on and day dream. Whatever you’ve got going on this year, find some peace where you can and remember to look after yourself.
-
One frosty, sunny Saturday on Primrose Hill
Our alarms went off at 7am. I woke up excited for a day at London Zoo and went straight in the shower. I popped on a new T-Shirt I’d bought in Zara’s New Year sales and some blue jeans. He reminded me I’d need layers and so I chucked a turtle neck jumper on over the top and grabbed my hat, scarf and coat.
When we headed out the front door to get the bus, the road was peaceful and quiet. I remember how beautiful it was, because I stopped to take a video of the mist and frost.
We were at the train station early in the end and so we both grabbed hot drinks for the journey. We nattered away all the way into London, changed onto the Northern Line at Kings Cross and then arrived at Chalk Farm station just as all of the dog walkers were starting their day. We’d planned to walk to the zoo via Primrose Hill.
The walk from Chalk Farm ’round to Primrose Hill was lovely. Along with lots of adorable, happy dogs, we passed so many cute bakeries I lost count and lots of independent, boutique shops with pretty windows.
When we got to Primrose Hill, I was surprised to find out just how much of a hill there was to climb. He laughed at me for failing to anticipate the climb, considering the name of the place.
We made it to the top to find lots of other early birds with cameras and coats and beyond them, a misty view of the London skyline. The longer we looked, the more London landmarks I spotted and the more excited I got, but eager to see what it was like when the mist cleared, I suggested we wander around a while longer in the hope of circling back to blue skies.
A little way down the hill into the park, he stopped me on the pretence that the view was already clearing. I turned back to look at the view, considered whether it was actually any clearer, went to grab a tissue to blow my nose and then he said my name.
That’s when I knew. I could hear it in his voice. I turned around and there he was on one knee. He asked me to marry him and after squeals and cries and an unfortunate, shocked ‘NOOOO’, I got the word ‘yes’ out. I hugged him harder than I think I ever have, a lovely lady called Caroline stopped and offered to take our photo and before long we were sat on a bench calling and messaging family and friends to let them know.
It was the happiest, frosty, sunny morning on Primrose Hill and for us, it’ll always be special. I still can’t look at the photo without crying. And I am so excited for the rest of our lives together. This post’s a big one! We’re engaged!
Twenty Twenty-Five
Blogging Goodbye to Butterflies 