Blogging Goodbye to Butterflies

Tag: life

  • Week Fifty-Two: Reflections on a Chaotic Year and Lessons Learned for 2020

    Week Fifty-Two: Reflections on a Chaotic Year and Lessons Learned for 2020

    As after most Christmases, the arm of the chair that I am sat in is piled high with books: The new 2020 diary I got for Christmas, Fearne Cotton’s ‘Calm’, Rivers of London by Ben Aaronovitch (I’m on chapter 8 and loving every second), and a very thick pad titled ‘642 things to write about’ (which I cannot wait to start working my way through). The Christmas tree is twinkling away next to me and the TV is on. Three different cooking shows have been on in the time I’ve been curled up here and I am now very hungry for something yummy.

    Life’s been a little chaotic, very stressful and also all kinds of exciting. I am so relieved to have made it into Chrimbo Limbo.

    I could spend hours reflecting on 2019. I wish I could have been more prepared for everything the last year would throw my way. I spent a year in which I resolved to try and worry less and remember that these will be the good old days, worrying too much and carrying the weight of the world around with me. At the risk of sounding super gloomy, I was tired a lot and stressed a lot and sad a lot, even at times when I would have expected to feel most happy.

    But I’m grateful for all the great memories I have too. Paris in the winter, Soho with one of my best friends, a trip back to the 1920s for a night in Cardiff, a holiday in Kefalonia and an escape to Happy Place Festival. Performances with the band and a move into a new home. A visit to Casino Royale and many a laugh at Tim Minchin live.

    And I am looking forward to 2020. It’s strange, but I almost feel like a year full of so much worry has led to me finally feeling like I am capable of worrying less. This year, big stuff came our way and for once in my life, the majority of my anxiety was actually rational; the butterflies made sense.

    Now, I feel like I might be more determined than ever before, not to let the small stuff stress me out.

    I’m taking 2020 as it comes. I’m expecting a year much like this one, except this time I feel much better prepared. Ups and downs are a way of life and it’s like I’ve learned to surf the waves finally. Or I hope I have. Now, that’s a very Bronwen-esque metaphor if ever there was one and I guess that’s a wrap on Chapter Five. 52 weeks, one year and a whole load more life lessons learned.

    Be back soon.

  • Week Forty-Five: A self-care Sunday

    Week Forty-Five: A self-care Sunday

    Wow. Week 45!

    I don’t want to wish the rest of the year away, but I am itching to try and sum up this chapter: A jam packed year full of ups and downs, that was nothing I expected. I had a little look back through my diary the other day and could hardly believe that this is still the same year I went to Paris and celebrated my birthday dressed as Belle.

    The last few weeks have flown just as fast as the rest, being just as full with long days at work, jam sessions with the band and plans with friends and family.

    I slept for the longest I have in a long time last night. I didn’t set an alarm and I didn’t get up when Dave got up or accept his offer of tea. I rolled over and I went back to sleep and I was so unconcerned with looking at the clock that I’m not even sure what time I did get up in the end.

    We had a lovely friend stay the night yesterday so when I did get up the house felt super lively, which I loved. Dave, housemate Tom and our lovely friend were all cosied up in the lounge with cups of tea and music playing. They’d had Chinese food last night (I was out and about in Stratford with some other lovely ladies… One of which was performing in a K-pop dance show – she SMASHED it), so we had leftovers for breakfast and it was amazing. Is it just me that thinks Chinese food tastes even better reheated the next day?

    Now, I’m sat on our bed with my nails freshly painted and a face mask on. I feel so happy and content with my favourite music playing. It’s also starting to get dark outside and it feels so cosy in here as a result. I think the heating just came on for the evening too. It really is the little things in life.

    I made a terrible decision doing both face mask and nail paint at the same time because I’m now stuck with a red face until this polish decides to dry. I also need to get the laundry out of the machine and my tummy is rumbling… oops. For once, I couldn’t really care less though. I’m quite happy waiting, although I am looking forward to getting some jam on toast once the face mask is off.

    When I realised I had no plans today, I told myself it’d be a day to look after myself. It’s done me so much good and it’s been a massive reminder that I should do this more often.

    I’ve been in my head a lot recently – my thoughts have felt so loud and they’ve been pretty negative. BUT that negativity seems to have done a runner today. Clearly all I needed to scare off the negative thoughts was a sunny Sunday morning, a lie in and some me time. I don’t know why I didn’t devote some time to this sooner.

    If you’ve no plans this evening, take some time to pamper yourself. Whether you fancy it or not, you’ll feel so much better for it. And just in time for another working week. Sundays should be made for this. As well as roast dinners… of course!

  • Week Thirty-Six: Settling Into Our New Home

    Week Thirty-Six: Settling Into Our New Home

    The house move has gone surprisingly smoothly for me. Especially considering my inability to accept change, close attachment to places and things and general emotional-ness.

    I was super emotional when we eventually said goodbye to the flat, but in my defence, it had been one of those weeks anyway and I was due a good cry. Also, it was so strange seeing the flat all naked and empty and knowing it wasn’t ours anymore.

    I think what’s made the move so much easier is that our new place literally ticks all the boxes. Life’s so much easier with a washing line and a designated cupboard for bedding and towels and under bed storage and a station nearby. And the house felt so homey so quickly too! The owner has decorated it so brightly and it was funished with a few bits and pieces before we even got all of our stuff in.

    And my goodness do we have a lot of stuff! How two people can own so many things and have kept them in a 1 bed flat for so long I do not know. It’s also not until you try and pack your life into boxes you realise how fragile literally everything is! From kitchenware to ornaments and frames, I felt like I was drowning in a sea of bubble wrap!

    September 1st came around and the new house was sorted and the next few gigs with the band were confirmed and that autumn chill appeared from nowhere. Then, I got my boots out and I saw that Primark have their Disney Christmas tinsel out already and suddenly, I felt so much brighter again.

    Autumn is hands-down the best time of year. I can’t wait for the first trees to go orange and brown and the first crisp frosty morning and the first time I get all wrapped up in a snug coat and scarf and the first hot chocolate on a chilly evening! I know September might have a few summery days left in it yet, but I live for this time of year and I’m so excited!

  • Week Four: Celebrating Small Wins

    Week Four: Celebrating Small Wins

    Week four of 2019 began, for all of us, with Blue Monday. On Blue Monday, I felt surprisingly yellow. I spent the tube journey smiling to myself like a fool. I was determined not to let the whole ‘Blue Monday’ label convince me that it was going to be a difficult day. After all, I did a little bit of research and it turns out that Blue Monday is a term which was created by a holiday company just to sell trips abroad! I’d had a wonderful weekend with a lovely friend and it’d left me feeling refreshed and determined. I’d decided this week was my do-over. Chapter five, take two.

    It’s been a tough start to the year, for reasons I can’t really share with the world wide web. This was the first week I was back to some kind of normality again. This week, I had to go back to answering the question ‘How are you?’ without crying. In the end, this week was definitely a week for cutting myself some slack and giving myself a pat on the back for the little things I did better. Tough start to the year or not, I think we should all get better at rewarding ourselves for the small, everyday successes. Life’s not easy, even at the best of times…

    Tuesday I worked from home, caught up on some studying, got myself organised for the rest of the week and made a sandwich for lunch on Wednesday. (making the sandwich was a step in the right direction sure, but it took all of two minutes, which did cause me to question why I ever spend money on lunch and can’t seem to make time to simply butter some bread and stick some ham on it every evening).

    On Wednesday morning the butterflies woke up when I did and I wanted to hide away at home and go back to sleep. I perked myself up, kicked myself into action and that night, spent a lovely evening with a group of friends at an amazing italian restaurant called Pasta Brown. It’s in Covent Garden and if you haven’t been and you can go, you should. I had the Penne Pasta Brown and a slice of chocolate fudge cake and left very full and very happy. So full and happy that I fell asleep at 9:30pm, shortly after getting home.

    The week soon came to an end and it’s been a chilled weekend thank goodness. Yesterday morning’s lie-in made me feel brand new. I left bed to grab tea, breakfast and my book. I then sat with the tv on (Saturday Kitchen made good background) and read, in bed, until lunch time.  In the afternoon Dave and I headed into London to meet two friends for a drink and a bite to eat. We hadn’t seen them in FOREVER and it was super lovely to catch up.

    I was up reading late last night and indulged in another glorious lie-in this morning. I’m now nearly half way through Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine and I am COMPLETELY hooked. It’s amazing.

    Now Week Four’s nearly over and I’m just pleased I got up and at ’em every day and I was organised for once.

    Dave and I are headed back to Chelmsford for the day today. Roast dinner at my mum and dad’s and over to see his parents’ too. I love Sundays.

    2019 is just beginning. Plenty of time for resolutions yet.

  • Week One: Fireworks at Embankment and a New Year Declutter

    Week One: Fireworks at Embankment and a New Year Declutter

    This week began with New Year’s Eve. I was lucky enough to be working from home; allowing me enough time to get ready and get on a train, with Dave, into London before the rush hour. I’ve only ever been into London once on New Year’s Eve before and even then, steered clear of central London. This time, one of my amazing best friends had invited us into her offices near Embankment to watch the fireworks. We took wine and snacks and games and we set up in a meeting room until midnight. At midnight we headed out onto a perfectly positioned balcony where we had the BEST view of the display at the London Eye. I’m not even kidding. It was spectacular and I feel very grateful to have had the chance to experience it like that.

    Getting home was a whole ‘nother adventure. It was as if the world was ending. Lots of the roads were closed, of course. There were people everywhere. There were policemen everywhere. The majority of people were just in very high spirits. There were also people fighting and falling and yelling and shoving. It was complete and utter madness. It was completely surreal. As we wondered through the streets back to the tube station, I felt very free and very scared all at the same time. It was a huge relief to be home when we eventually got here at 3:30 am… Almost as much of a relief as it was to know there was no need to set an alarm in the morning. Here’s to whoever declared New Year’s Day a bank holiday!

    Despite the bank holiday, last week was extremely hard work. I feel like we can all agree on that. Going back to work after the break was harder than ever before… I’m sure of it. The clocks slowed down, I was permanently hungry (not used to keeping to mealtimes I suppose) and suddenly, when Wednesday came around, staying up past 9pm was almost impossible. Wednesday was my first day back in the office and I started off super chirpy. By the time I met a friend for lunch, I was already feeling the January blues. Then, come the evening, I was desperately trying to keep my eyes open, at the pub, with a great group of friends, drinking coca-cola.

    We went to Ikea today and had a proper flat clear out and declutter. I had put the Ikea trip in the diary a while ago and the shopping list had grown longer and longer since then. With the list at the ready, we tried our hardest not to impulse buy, but we did grab a wooden spoon, a couple of fancy hand soap holders and a mini footstool just because.

    I’m super happy with our all new, organised home, but phew am I glad to have it all sorted. I wish I had another day now, just to get a bit more life admin done.

    Now sat here with just a couple of hours to chill before week two, I’m desperately hoping that things will be that little bit easier tomorrow.

    Only 3 months and 13 days until the next bank holiday! We’ve got this.

  • Another year older

    Another year older

    I’M FEELIN’ 24.

    And ‘what does 24 feel like?’ you might ask.

    In some ways, I’ve barely grown up at all. I still can’t wear high heels. I’m currently listening to Avril Lavigne’s Goodbye Lullaby on vinyl. I still don’t like gin and tonic. I’m still terrified of spiders. I’ve never used an iron in my life. I still hate cooking chicken. I still hate cooking full stop (yes – if you’ve been keeping up, the enjoying cooking thing didn’t stick).

    But I guess I do feel a little older. There’s so much about life that used to seem big and scary and now feels much less daunting.

    A massive thank you to everyone who posted on social media, sent cards, celebrated with me and helped to make this birthday so special.

    The celebrations started with some awesome work colleagues and wayyy too much prosecco. I also went out for a lovely lunch with my family. I highly recommend Cote Brasserie in Chelmsford if you’re ever over that way… Superb service, lovely food and a free bottle of champagne to say Happy Birthday!

    My sister came into London to meet me on my lunch break on the actual day and we spent a really lovely hour up in the Sky Garden.

    I went for a wonderful dinner with some girl friends later in the week.

    AND some time soon Dave and I are going to be climbing the O2 in London which is admittedly a little nerve-racking, but VERY exciting too.

    Going into my 25th year thinking, life’s not too shabby. Not too shabby at all. In a way I think I’ll never leave my younger self behind, not really. I’m always going to love Harry Potter and Disney in general. I’m always going to love cocktails and prosecco and a good boogie. And I don’t think I’ll ever really like cooking. But I do keep growing little by little. And I think gradually I’m finding my way.

  • A Fab Time in Dublin

    A Fab Time in Dublin

    May is one of the best months of the year and I’m very happy it’s here. The sun starts to shine a little warmer in May. The trees are leafy again and the flowers are all out and about. Summer is officially on the horizon and it feels closer every day. We’re all a little more cheery again come May time. And this year we’ve two bank holidays to enjoy! And whether we love our jobs or not, the weeks always feel long and hard and the odd Monday off here and there helps us power on through.

    Talking of work… I’ve officially been in my current position for more than a year. MORE THAN A YEAR I TELL YOU. I can hardly believe it. Time does fly, but I must admit that my first day feels like it was a very long time ago now. I still remember it very clearly and fondly. I feel as though I’ve come a long way in a year. And I’m pleased to report that staying put is doing me all of the good I hoped it would.

    Somehow, it’s been nearly a month since Naomi and I were at Rhossili beach in Wales. Since then, Manchester United lost to West Brom, Dave and I bought furniture for the balcony, Britain was hit by a mini heat wave (perfect timing dontcha think?) and I went to Dublin for a few days with one of my best friends.

    Dave, myself and his parents journeyed all the way up to Manchester to see United lose and we were not happy bunnies. However, that same weekend we bought the furniture for the balcony AND a shoe rack for the hall way and triumphantly put it all together. You lose some, you win some. SO excited to play host this summer and make use of the new set up.

    The mini heat wave was simply amazing. It came just as we all felt like we couldn’t take one more day of doomy gloomy skies and chilly temperatures. It was just what we all needed. Besides me, everyone seemed so prepared too! Summer clothes were out in storm and the smell of sun cream filled the tube I got in the mornings. There I was stood in black trousers and a black blazer because my summer clothes were still hidden away and my legs were not in any state to be shown off to the world.

    We had a fab time in Dublin and I’d recommend a visit. The people are simply lovely for one thing! I highly recommend the free walking tours, the Guinness Storehouse and the food, in general.

    Our walking tour guide was GREAT. He gave us heaps of insight into Ireland, it’s history and it’s people. Dublin Castle, St Patrick’s Cathedral, the infamous ‘Spire’, they all have amazing histories and they’re all excellent spots for photos too.

    I reckon the Guinness Storehouse had to be the highlight of our trip. (Although, one evening spent in a pub in Temple Bar listening to traditional Irish music was particularly magical too.) The storehouse experience was so great, because it was all new. I’d never tried Guinness before (believe it or not I actually quite liked it), never learned how to properly taste a stout before and never poured my own pint before either. You have to breathe in through your nose, then sip, then breathe out through your nose… that’s the secret to the tasting. Thank me later.

    I loved literally everything I ate while I was in Dublin, but I particularly recommend a little place called ‘Boxty‘ where potatoes are cooked to perfection. This place is proof that potatoes are truly the best of all the foods.

  • All Sorts of Recommendations: A Month of Discovery

    All Sorts of Recommendations: A Month of Discovery

    First up, you need to know about a little cafe in Croydon called The Ludoquist. Nearly a month ago now Dave and I were staying with a couple of our loveliest friends and spent an afternoon there. It’s a board game cafe. They’ve more board games than you can imagine and to top it off, they sell great coffee and sweets in little glass bowls! There’s other, more substantial, food and beer too! You pay £3 if you wanna play the board games and it’s so busy that you’re best off booking a table in advance.

    Actually, while we’re talking recommendations, a couple of weeks back Dave and I went to the Secret Cinema in London. Secret location, secret world, secret identity, all that jazz. Secret Cinema are a company who literally build the world of the film. You enter a whole new world, full of incredibly talented actors and spend the night in character, as if you were a character from the movie. Then you sit and watch the film and then you party in the world after, until you decide it’s time to retreat back to real life.

    I actually felt dubious to begin with. The film showing at the moment is Blade Runner and while I appreciate that it is an incredible cinematic masterpiece and the music is AMAZING, it’s not my kind of thing. Also, the future world depicted in Blade Runner is kinda scary if you ask me and I wasn’t sure I wanted in. I needn’t have worried. We had a brilliant night. I wouldn’t be surprised if we make it a yearly thing, like so many people seem to do once they’ve discovered it. No spoilers here, but WOW. If you can get tickets, go!

    I spent last weekend in Wales with one of my best friends. We had a lovely time. From drinking cocktails in Turtle Bay and brunching in Cosy Club to exploring Cardiff and strolling down Swansea beaches, we did about everything you can do to make the most of your weekend. The sun even shined on us.

    Brunch in Cosy Club was amazing, but it was well and truly trumped by brunch on Sunday in a little place called The Junction, right by Swansea Beach. We both ordered the Junction special and we had no regrets. £8.50 for poached egg, potatoes, chorizo, cheese, lardons, avocado and spinach all fried up and served in one grill. A FEAST FOR THE TASTE BUDS I tell you. And they did a vegetarian option too! Recommendation number three, if you’re ever in the area.

    I did not intend for this post to end up being a list of recommendations, but I’m not sorry it did. I love that I’m discovering all these new and amazing places and that I can shout about them too! Life has been busy and exciting recently, but I’ve had plenty of chill time too. I’m feeling happy and calm and balanced and by golly I hope it lasts.

  • Exploring London: Discovering Live Music in Whitechapel and the V&A Museum

    Exploring London: Discovering Live Music in Whitechapel and the V&A Museum

    Life’s been busy, good busy and this weekend has been a good’un. I spent most of it in my favourite city in the world…

    Friday night I headed to the George Tavern in Whitechapel with some people from work. It’s a live music venue and the musicians who played were all so talented! ‘Friend of Dave’ was a beat-boxer equipped with a maraca and a harmonica and you would not believe the textures he created all by himself. He played feel good tunes that put smiles on everyone’s faces. ‘Austrumkalns’ were a Latvian ensemble. They are a flautist, cellist, violinist, guitarist and percussionist and they played Latvian folk songs. They were beautiful. They even planted Latvian dancers in the pub to get everyone on their feet. I had one of them ‘must mentally capture this and store the memory vividly forever’ moments. The headliners were ‘Erin Black and the Devil’s Hand’ who were fantastic. Every member of the band was super talented, all introduced individually at the beginning of the set. They had every single person captivated until the set ended and everyone darted out for their last trains home, myself included.

    Saturday I met a good friend for lunch in Kensington before heading over to the V&A for the Opera Passion exhibition. I highly recommend the Lebanese restaurant we went to (Comptoir Libanais), which I believe is part of a chain. I had halloumi and tomato and a lamb tagine and loved every single bite. We finished the meal off with a mint tea and a hot chocolate (hot chocolate for me, of course) and then headed back out into the rain to get to the museum. The exhibition itself was brilliant. No spoilers, go check it out if you can! I’d never been to the V&A before and I’m going to have to go back. So many things captured my interest on the way through! May need more than one visit. I had no idea how humongous it was.

    Another lovely friend of mine came to stay last night. We had a proper girls night and it was simply lovely. Highlights include listening to Sam Smith’s new album, popping open a bottle of prosecco and face masks.

    I’m curled up on the sofa with a cuppa right now. Shark Tale’s on the TV and it’s just coming to the end credits. Car Wash is playing, you know the scene?, and I’ve just turned the volume up. I think once I’ve finished writing this I’m going to have chicken kievs for dinner. I’m going to carry on reading Lauren Graham’s autobiography while it cooks. It’s based around her time spent playing Loralai Gilmore in Gilmore Girls, it was a Christmas present and I’m loving it. It’s a lot of fun.

    I’ve started learning a Katie Melua piece on the piano, so I ought to get a little more practice in tonight too. I’m pretending like it’s not Monday tomorrow. What is it about Mondays? I’ve butterflies just thinking about it. In this case though, we’re really truly in it together. We’ll all struggle through Monday morning and we’ll all be alright once we’ve had a cup of tea or coffee or two.

  • Letting emotions run free and learning to be happy

    I’m sat on the sofa by the window, getting blinded by the sun, but refusing to shut it out. I’m two chapters from the end of Harry Potter so when I’m done writing, I’m finishing it. Then I’m rewarding myself with a cream egg or two before taking a deep breath and picking up the very important looking paperwork that came in the post from my new employer.

    Yes, I got the job! EEEEEEEK!!

    If I’m honest, at first the news left me feeling all kinds of mixed emotions.

    I was happy at first, goodness I nearly cried on the phone while she was telling me the good news and I’m surprised I didn’t deafen Dave when he called to congratulate me, but then almost as fast as I’d felt happy, I felt tense and uncertain again.

    I found myself trying really hard not to get overwhelmed. I couldn’t relax for days. I know now that I was so happy when she rang, but I was scared too. Not scared of starting the job, but scared of letting myself be happy about it.

    That probably sounds like lunacy to some of you. I just got a job I know that I’m going to love, in the city I’ve always wanted to work in. Life’s moving forwards in a brilliant way, but sometimes even the positive emotions are scary. We try to suppress them, because letting any emotion take control, even a happy one, means losing ourselves a little.

    We worrier warriors spend so much of our time trying to control our emotions, trying not to let the anxiety take over, that the moment we’re given a good reason to act like the crazy, excitable, over-emotional happy person, we find it hard to go for it!

    When it finally dawned on me that I had no reason to be anxious, that everything had fallen into place and that I was in fact ridiculously happy I cried, I ran around like I’d eaten too many blue smarties and I haven’t stopped smiling since.

    If you’re like me and even the happy emotions seem daunting, put yourself out there next time you’re feeling good. Scream from the hill tops if you have to. Let the happy tears run wild. Don’t try to keep it in. Keeping it in never did anyone any good.

  • Coping with change and finding positivity again

    The last time my anxiety was exacerbated by a big change, it took a lot of adjusting for me to get to a point where I felt like I could live freely again. Perhaps it’s cos I’m older and wiser, perhaps it’s because I have Dave or perhaps it’s actually because this time I’ve been open about how I’m feeling, but I already feel like I’m doing better.

    Our living room is SUPER cosy now. Not only do we have the house plant and cactus and two sofas, but we now have lots of cushions, one that’s particularly fluffy, and a rug and a coffee table. Right now, I’m sat with a Spotify playlist called ‘The Stress Buster’ playing, I have scented candles lit and I’m sipping my way through a beautiful cup of coffee. I reckon the playlist is doing its job, because I feel very chilled.

    Monday was a fun-filled indoorsy day. I cleaned, I put washing on, I watched a few too many episodes of Gilmore Girls and I started working out how I’m going to prove I’m competent to do the job I have an interview for – eek! I’ll share more details if I actually get the role. It’s a bit of a side step, but with a view to continuing to save for that dreamy masters.

    Tuesday evening, we had a friend over to watch the football. We’re Manchester United supporters and therefore we were tense, stressed and frustrated for the majority of the evening. That aside, it was a good evening. We ordered an amazing Chinese takeaway and got through a few beers between us.

    Yesterday, three lovely friends came over to visit me for the day. We went out for lunch at Prezzo, I gave them a brief tour of Watford town centre (in all its glory), we played card games and it was great. Just to have the flat so alive with the buzz of a few more people made me smile hugely.

    Today, I finally went to register at a new doctor’s surgery. I’ve been putting it off because as per, I was super scared. Also as per, all was plain and simple, the ladies behind reception were nice and I had nothing to worry about.

    This afternoon, I went shopping for interview clothes and smart shoes. I spent two stressful hours checking every shop twice and still coming out empty handed. I got home, reminded myself to breathe, made myself a cuppa and within ten minutes had ordered everything I wanted online. Why is it I never think to online shop right away? Need to get with the times.

    Now I’m about to pick up Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Every time I finish a serious book off the shelf, I’m rewarding myself by reading a Harry Potter. They break it up a bit. They’re such good reads and when I picked up the first one a few months ago, it had been a very long time since my dad read them to me as bedtime stories. It’s about time I rediscovered them in all their wonder.

    I think writing Chapter three may be doing more good than I know. The way I was feeling when I wrote ‘Mind over Matter’ is a mystery to me now and I feel like I’ve come a long way in a few weeks. I hope this new positive attitude is here to stay.

  • Mind over matter: The power of mindfulness meditation

    Recently, my beautiful cousin spoke to me for a long time about mindfulness. And I mention it because even more recently I discovered just how practising mindfulness can help. In the spirit of being honest, when I first spoke to my cousin, I didn’t think it was for me. I thought a mindfulness meditation was a thing I’d struggle with in many ways. Then, one down day last week left me feeling particularly shaken.

    I truly believed that I’d hit rock bottom. Considering how well things were going in our new home, I can’t quite believe how pessimistic I felt. I was tired of being anxious and I wanted to give up. I felt hopeless and I was convinced that every day of the rest of my life, I’d be miserable. I’ve felt all of this before, but this time the thoughts were scarier and more consuming. Perhaps all of the anxiety I’d been feeling over the last couple of weeks had been smothered in a way, by all the good stuff I was feeling and this was it bursting out. I was exasperated by the fact I still felt anxious when the past couple of weeks had been so truly amazing and rationally, I knew I should be so calm and happy.

    In the end, I rang The Samaritans and they stayed on the phone until I was out the other side. I didn’t call them because I believed I might kill myself. I called them because I didn’t know how to explain how I was feeling rationally and I didn’t want to panic family and friends. I felt like if I didn’t get it out of my head by talking about it to someone, I would be giving the feelings more power over me and they would become too much for me to handle. The Samaritans were amazing and if you ever need them, you can call them 24 hours a day on 116 123 or find more information at https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/.

    They did what they could, but a half hour after they’d convinced me to try putting the phone down and getting on with my day, I had pretty much decided that I was going to carry on feeling helpless and I’d just call The Samaritans every day for the rest of my life so that they could get me through it.

    But then, laying flat on my back, on the floor, listening to this mindfulness video, I discovered the power of being in the moment and coming to the realisation that we have power over our minds, not the other way ’round. It might not feel entirely natural at first, but all the video really encourages you to do is to lie down, to breathe and to use all of your senses to become gradually more present.

    It honestly took ten minutes of being mindful for me to believe in myself again. Since then, I feel stronger than ever. I only wish I’d believed enough to try it sooner and I’m so grateful that my cousin mentioned it.

    What’s also amazing is that once I’d been mindful I finally felt I could tell people around me how I’d felt. I told Dave, I told my brother, I took control back and I moved onwards and upwards.

    Right now, I’m sat on an actual sofa (because we have one actual sofa now) and I’m looking at our beautiful living room (that now has house plants in it, including a wonderful cactus we’ve stuck a hat on and called Patrick) and I’m smiling hugely even though it’s all grey and gloomy outside. These last two weeks have been far from miserable. Believe it or not despite my emotional all over the place-ness, they’ve been great. Hopefully if I can make meditation a regular thing, I can start to be present more in general and enjoy all that is happening in this life chapter.

  • To New Beginnings

    This year was for being daring, right?

    I put an offer down on a flat with Dave, we got it, I handed in my notice at work, two weeks later we’ve got the keys and I’m moving to Watford!

    I’m moving into a new flat, in a new town and I’m going to be living like a real-life adult! For the first time in forever, Dave and I won’t be in a long distance relationship. Quite the opposite, we’ll be seeing each other every day (I hope he knows what he’s in for). The flat is lovely and my job at the restaurant may be fun, but it was never forever. Call me irresponsible, but I ran out of reasons not to go for it and so I did, I said yes and I couldn’t be happier.

    Saying that, I’m currently sat in the middle of my floor, staring at my wardrobe and willing the clothes to fold and pack themselves. This leaving home malarky is as stressful as it is exciting and it is very exciting! Perhaps packing clothes can wait for now. With the help of my mum and a good friend I’ve made a lot of progress today anyway!

    I hate to say it, but I think that’s a wrap on chapter two. No sad faces here though, this ending is the start of an exciting new beginning. Next time I write I should be in the flat! I’m smiling hugely just at the thought of it. Chapter three begins soon. Bring it on.

  • Let her sleep for when she wakes she will move mountains

    Today is my grandad’s and my sister’s birthday. Waking up this morning and jumping out of bed to give them my birthday wishes made me so happy.

    I’ve been at work for most of the afternoon so I’m now feasting on left over birthday cake and drinking the last of the red wine. I did feel a little down about the fact I had to work, but all in all I think it’s worked out okay: I got home in time to see them blow out their birthday candles and it seems to me the two of them have had really lovely days. Well deserved too!

    It’s been another long and busy week. Not all work this week though. Managed to fit in an afternoon with the Alzheimer’s Society, an evening with Dave and a couple of evenings with friends. Spent Thursday night drinking cocktails which made a very nice change from carrying them on trays.

    Can’t quite believe how quickly Christmas is coming up. Going to have to start making some time for Christmas shopping too. Can definitely tell winter is on the way. I’ve attached the fur back onto the hood of my coat, my scarf rack is out from behind the cupboard and so are my winter boots.

    Another busy week ahead, for now I’m just looking forward to an early night. Bed’s going to feel amazing – it always does when you’re tired, especially when you’ve had a glass of wine.

  • Monday’s the new Sunday

    Sun’s shining. I slept in until 10. I’m still in my pyjamas. I’ve done my washing and tidied my room. Other than that, I spent the morning lounging in bed reading and I’ve spent the majority of this afternoon watching The Walking Dead. There’s no roast dinner cooking. That’s the only way I know it’s not Sunday. Just cooked myself up some pasta though and although it’s nothing in comparison, it is pretty yummy.

    Life’s a little crazy. Last week, my only day off was Thursday and this week I don’t have a day off. I’m back at the restaurant waitressing tonight and the days that I’m not there this week, I’ll be at the school. The days are merging into one. Weekends are a thing of the past. First week spent properly working two jobs and for now I’m feeling positive. I’m not grumbling! I’m happily busy and whenever I do get a moment to chill I’m making the most of it.

    Working at the restaurant is great fun. There’s a real team spirit and no matter how much I complain about my feet hurting, I really enjoy myself while I’m there. There’s so much to think about, I don’t dwell on anything else either.

    I’m so excited about getting back into the school this week too! I enjoyed my last week there so much and hope it’ll get better and better moving forwards. With half term behind us, I’m looking forward to the lead up to Christmas too.

    For a while there I thought I was crazy to take on more work; I wasn’t sure if taking a waitressing position was at all the right thing to do. I’m an easily stressed person, creating an easily stressful life for myself BUT I am glad I applied and so glad they hired me. I stand by the fact when it comes to life, there is not right or wrong thing to do. It’s all a matter of trial and error. I tried and I’m a happy bunny. No stressed face yet. Here’s hoping the smile sticks.

  • Sick from work, not sick of it

    Last week was great. Exhausting, but great. I was at the restaurant all day every day except Thursday (Thursday, Dave and I and his family went to see Manchester United play at Old Trafford. They played much better than they did against Chelsea today, thank goodness. It was a really great match, well worth the trek up there and back. We won 4-1 and a couple of the goals were absolutely brilliant.). I’m going to be working with a really lovely team of people who I already feel like I can be my weird and wonderful self around. I still can’t carry plates or trays confidently, but hey, everyone else seems confident I’ll get there. Friday night we went out as a staff team and all had such a good time. I’m so excited for the restaurant opening. As well as a little nervous, of course.

    Yesterday was a lovely day. I caught up with one of my best friends over coffee. We had fish and chips from the chip shop for dinner. I watched Strictly live, for what will probably be the last time this year. (Saturday nights will be spent in the restaurant from now on.) Dave came over later on. We stuck Bicentennial Man on my TV, managed about ten minutes and then fell asleep.

    All that’s great and wonderful aside, I’ve got the worst of colds and I feel very sorry for myself. My head literally feels the size of Jupiter. Seeing as, for the near future, I’m going to be working in a school and a busy restaurant, I’ve a feeling I need to get used to fighting off the common cold. Problem is, every time I have a cold I’m convinced it’s the worst one I’ve ever had.

    This one is the worst. Honest. The pile of tissues next to my laptop is pretty sizeable. All day I’ve been devoted to mission 101; get rid of cold before training week number two. I’ve drunk lots of coffee, water and orange juice and I’ve eaten heaps. They say feed a cold, whoever they are. Here’s hoping I’ve done enough.

  • Inhale confidence, exhale doubt

    Hi Sunday crew! Dave and I are sat watching the football having had the yummiest and biggest of full Englishes this morning. The sun’s shining, but it is really chilly so I’m curled up on the sofa under a blanket. It’s October! Can you believe it? Time’s flying. Not going to lie, I’m excited about Christmas already.

    It’s been a really good weekend. My mum cooked an amazing casserole on Friday evening. Friday night I was out with friends in town. Saturday morning was a lazy hazy one. I met one of my best friends for lunch once I got moving. We went all out and ordered three courses. It was pretty wonderful. Turns out Hunter’s Chicken is great hangover food.

    Lacking confidence going into this week. I’ve got my first meeting about the new job. Hoping all goes well. Just need to remember that it could be a complete disaster and all would still be alright in the end. Can only give it my best shot and that’s what I’m going to do. Not sure even singing will make these butterflies go away though. Be rooting for me!

  • Life has been a little crazy, that’s all

    Trying to work out how to justify the fact I haven’t blogged in over a month and considering giving up trying. Life has been a little crazy, that’s all. In just over a month I’ve written five essays, finally found the courage to go along to music socials, met some amazing new people and become president of a choir society.

    I got my life back when I handed in my last two essays on Wednesday. It turned out that all an end to deadlines really meant, was a return to chores. I came back to life to find that I’d been a living in a mess of a bedroom, I had no clean clothes left and I had no food in the fridge. I spent Wednesday afternoon sorting my life out.

    I spent the last two days storming around town, trying on dresses, deciding I hated all of them and wishing I could turn up to the end of year, 1920’s themed, music ball in skinny jeans. I very nearly headed to the ‘men’s formal’ section of Debenhams to find myself a suit and a tie and some jazzy musical socks. I should have been a boy. Luckily when I turned up at her house, collapsed on her sofa and demanded tea, an amazing friend reminded me to breathe and after shopping trip number two I’ve ended up with a reasonably 1920’s style, actually kinda lovely, skirt and top combo.

    Today so far has been spent in bed in pyjamas with my keyboard and my laptop, preparing for a keyboard test that’s tomorrow, getting distracted by netflix and trying not to panic about the fact I’m going to the ball tonight. I know I am bound to do something ridiculous… give myself mascara panda eyes, walk into a door and give myself a black eye, make it to the ball then spill gravy down my skirt, fall over on my way to the after party, who knows. Hopefully, whatever happens it is going to be an amazing night. My keyboard test on the other hand? That is going to be a complete disaster.

     

  • There’s no place like home

    It felt like the entirety of my weekend at home had been nothing more than a dream when I woke up this morning; the horribly stressful journey back to Cardiff being the disastrous ending that finally woke me up. It feels like I went to sleep after the Halloween party last Thursday and I’ve been asleep ever since. A big part of me wants to curl up and go back to dreaming of home so I don’t have to face today. Today is my first day at work and the day of my first rehearsal for my first concert of the semester. Today is terrifying.

    Friday morning I wasn’t anywhere near as excited as I expected to be. I woke up with the biggest smile on my face, but only because the night before had been such great fun. I was happy because Halloween had been amazing and it hadn’t quite clicked that a megabus was going to take me home that afternoon. I got up, got ready and headed out to hand in my first music assignment of the year. I daydreamed my way through the entirety of my history lecture and then when I realised the time, half walked half ran home to pack. Time went by ridiculously quickly and before I knew it, I was sat on my bed eating my lunch as quickly as Bronwenly possible, because I knew I needed to get to the bus stop. In true Bronwen fashion I got half way up the road before realising I’d forgotten my purse and had to turn around to grab it. I caught the bus just as it was about to leave. The driver thankfully got down from his seat, smiled at me and let me chuck my bag in the hold. It took me six hours to get home, but when I did I was beyond happy. Home looked amazing and smelled amazing and my mum had left me a portion of chille con carne to reheat and eat when I got in.

    Saturday morning my mum woke me up with a cup of tea and asked if I fancied a drive out of Chelmsford to pick my sister up from a family friend’s house. At first it felt ridiculous to even consider leaving my warm and comfortable bed, especially now I had a cup of tea in hand. As it dawned on me that this was day 1 of 2 at home I began to change my mind. I didn’t want to waste anymore time in bed. I jumped in the shower, my mum made us the most amazing breakfast and then we jumped in the car. I think I had forgotten just how much I love being behind the steering wheel. The drive left me on cloud nine. I spent the whole journey head bobbing and steering wheel tapping without shame. We joined our friends for a coffee in Costa before heading back. Sat with my mum and our family friends, drinking a Costa Caramel Latte I was ridiculously happy. I spent the afternoon being the laziest I’ve been in weeks and my dad ordered pizza in for dinner. We went to see the Fireworks display in Danbury (a Maggs family tradition at this time of year) and as usual it was incredible. Stood linking arms with my mum and brother, my dad with his arm around my sister just in front of us, I felt like I had the leading role in the very happy ending to a film. I was really ill when I got home, my guess is the cold got to me and the tiredness hit too. I missed out on joining some of my friends at the pub and had to head to bed at eleven before it felt like I had quite made the most of my day.

    I got up fairly early again on Sunday, feeling much better after sleeping. It felt like I’d never left: I helped myself to cereal and joined my mum in the lounge. She was watching a Christmas film. Normally I would have objected considering November has only just begun but I was drawn in when one of the characters announced he was banning Christmas and the sale of toys. My mum made an amazing lamb roast dinner, I went shopping for work trousers and before I knew it I was packing up and heading back to Cardiff again. Saying a temporary goodbye to my family once again made me feel just as sad as usual. The journey home was horrible: Trains were late, I was late, buses were late, it rained loads, I did the walk home in a complete daze thinking only of bed and of putting my heavy bag down.

    And then I woke up, back in Cardiff, curled up in bed as if I’d never been away.

  • Conquering a Busy Student Life – The early bird catches the worm

    When I woke up Tuesday morning it was still dark. I felt like I should be jumping on an aeroplane and heading somewhere exciting, jumping behind the steering wheel of my car and driving across the country or just retreating under the duvet until the sun decided to put his hat on. In reality I’d set myself an early alarm so I would have enough time to wash my hair and get organised before my two hour lecture and my work induction. Being me, I still didn’t have enough time and I spent the morning running around like a headless chicken. The induction at work was almost a complete disaster, but I made it through and back out the shop with The Entertainer uniform in hand and rumbles in my tummy. I gave into temptation and dropped into Gregg’s, browsed all the shelves trying to convince myself to be experimental and try something new and then ordered my usual. (“A sausage, bean and cheese melt and a piece of Rocky Road, please?”) I had an amazingly productive afternoon, Chinese went really well, yet another walk home was filled with mine and my flatmates Chinese conversation and then I got an early night.

    Wednesday was just as busy. I got up early, although it wasn’t dark this time. Had time for a cup of tea before leaving for lectures. Managed to enjoy lectures. Had an amazing lunch. Spent half the afternoon singing, first at choir and then in a practice room. Flopped in my flat mate’s room for hours while she baked bread (Inspired by the Great British Bake Off). Had a beautiful beef casserole dinner. Puzzled over more articles on the T’i-yung dichotomy in China. Went to a choir social at a pub five minutes walk from my front door and met lovely new people. Bought Chinese take away and curled up with my flatmates in the lounge, sharing jokes until the early hours of the morning.

    I never thought I’d say it, but I think early mornings are the way forward. I’ve been up since eight today as well and I’ve been so productive that every part of me is buzzing. Laying in bed for hours every morning just leaves me feeling tired, smelly and lazy. Goodbye wasted mornings.

  • Singing goodbye to butterflies in the shower

    Caught myself singing in the shower, wondered ’round with a towel turban on my head, left my stuff all over the sofa while I went out last night, sung opera in my bedroom AND let my iTunes music shuffle freely without cringing when The Circle of Life started playing. One week here and it feels like home already.

    Feels so good to be sat on an actual sofa, curled up among the cushions writing this post with a cup of tea on the go. Being a fresher, sat on my bed hiding from the outside world, feels like a distant memory. As does nervously heading to the communal space in our university halls and sitting on a hard, plastic chair at the kitchen table.

    Life as a second year student so far has been different to life as a fresher in so many ways…

    As soon as I wake up in the morning I come downstairs in my pyjamas.

    My bedroom door here is almost always open and so are everyone else’s.

    Heading out in the evenings is easy now we know where to head and on which nights.

    I know the quickest route into town and into university and back, and I didn’t have to try three different routes to find the best.

    I feel so much more comfortable living with my friends, in a beautiful city that I now know and love.

    We may still be lacking internet and our washing machine may be broken, but the butterflies that lived in my stomach permanently last year seem to have temporarily fallen asleep this year already. Who would have thought it!? Now to conquer the world.