Blogging Goodbye to Butterflies

Tag: mental health

  • A Fresh Perspective

    A Fresh Perspective

    The picture hasn’t really changed since I wrote my last post about taking life one scorcher of a day at a time. I’m still plodding through, trying to remember to drink water, eat well and shave my legs. And trying not to let the news get me down.

    The last few days have been better, in spite of temperatures being on the rise again. Mid-week last week, inspired by someone close to me, I resolved to come up with a new daily routine which would get me feeling more energised again.

    First step – get out for a walk every morning before the temperatures start to rise. Walk in the shade and get a proper good dose of really fresh morning air, before starting the working from home day.

    I also started a gratitude journal, which I’ve been completing every morning. Starting the day feeling grateful has actually been helping a bunch. And I know that’s not news. Influencers have been harping on about gratitude journals for literally years, but I’m not sure I believed it’d make a difference until I actually started. I found an app called ‘Presently’ which I hugely recommend. It’s simple and elegant and you can pick your own colour theme.

    Meanwhile, I’ve been speaking to people about how I’ve been feeling and it’s been a comfort to find out that many of us are feeling the exact same way! In England, we had our driest July since 1934 and the temperatures got higher than ever before. And as English people I believe we’re simply not wired to deal with being hot all of the time. We grumble about the rain, but we love it really.

    Speaking of rain lovers… Happy Birthday to my Dad! I love the smell of rain and the sound of footsteps on gravel so much because of you; because I so fondly remember us sticking our waterproofs on and following footpaths through miles of beautiful countryside when I was younger. We’ve got the love of crisp, cold winter days in common and we’ll get through this sticky summer together. And for now, I’ll just keep badgering you with random questions about insurance, cats and best before dates, because I know you wouldn’t have it any other way!

  • One scorcher of a day at a time

    One scorcher of a day at a time

    There’s absolutely no doubt it’s summer now: I’ve got an insect bite on my elbow which is so itchy I could scream, I have tan lines on my feet where my sandals should be and I’m running out of summery enough clothes to wear. As a winter girl, I’m trying to make the best of it. I am admittedly loving that our weekends are full of outdoor plans in the sunshine and I’ve not yet tired of BBQ food and Pimms.

    We’ve finally figured out how to keep the flat cool, which is a relief. We know which windows to open and close when and where to place the fan to optimise it’s impact. And just in time too, when we’re on the cusp of a heat wave.

    Is anyone else in England feeling a little anxious listening to the news at the moment, or is it just me? Between reports about the ongoing war in Ukraine, the fight over who’s going to be our next PM and the heatwave that’s going to cause road closures, power cuts, train cancellations and also sadly, lots of illness too, I feel like it’s hard to stay focused on the present.

    But in Dave and I’s little bubble life goes on. The cats are happy as ever. If anything, they (Mambo in particular) seem to be loving the sunny weather and are often choosing the hottest place in the flat to sleep in. And we are not yet over just how AMAZING the latest season of Stranger Things was. We’re hooked on Love Island, even though we said we wouldn’t get sucked in this time and I’m all excited, because I just got a new meal planner which sticks to the fridge.

    And I guess that’s all we can do really? Keep ourselves educated and grounded and do what we can, but also focus on ourselves and taking our own lives one scorching day at a time.

    Excited for a pub lunch with lovely people this afternoon and an ice cold lemonade or three. Bring it on!

  • Remember when rock was young

    Remember when rock was young

    Coming to you wearing joggers, with a massive mug of tea in hand. It has been an incredible weekend full of live music, good food and wonderful people. I’m feeling grateful but also, admittedly, a little worn out – thank goodness it’s Sunday. Today’s been everything I’ve needed. I’m thanking past Bronwen for leaving the day free of plans.

    On Friday, I had the absolute pleasure of seeing the LEGEND that is Elton John play at British Summertime Festival. Where to begin? The whole evening was magical. He’s such a talented human and there was so much love for him in that crowd of thousands. He performed an incredible line up with ease and class and he didn’t sing a single note out of tune. Never mind the fact he also hit every piano key perfectly. I have come away with so many memories to treasure and a heart full of love for him and all that he represents – especially this Pride month.

    And last night! Last night, we saw Greta Van Fleet live at Alexandra Palace. I’d never been to Ally Pally before and had no idea what to expect, but what a fantastic venue! We were in the great hall and having chosen the perfect spot off to the side, well and truly rocked the night away. If you’re reading this and you’ve never heard of Greta Van Fleet before, go check them out! They do rock like we’re in the 1970s, except the band members themselves were born 20 years on from when Led Zeppelin were taking the world by storm.

    And now I’m cream crackered. I’m full of butterflies, my shoulders hurt and my legs ache and my body is very clearly telling me to chill. Not sure I’ve even got the oompth to read my book. It’s a movie marathon and junk food kind of a Sunday and that’s okay. Not every day can be the best day ever, no matter what Instagram would have us believe.

  • An overthinker’s guide to to-doing

    An overthinker’s guide to to-doing

    I’ve said it many times and I’ll say it again, I absolutely love Sundays. Especially, on a slow morning like this one, when I’m still feeling cosy at 10am, curled up on the sofa in my PJs. 

    The life-admin to-do list keeps growing, but I had more time on my hands this week, with less travel scheduled in for work, and that helped heaps. I actually got through a fair amount of life stuff, as well as work stuff and when I looked over the list again yesterday morning, I was well chuffed. 

    It really helps me to have an ongoing to-do list on my phone. As an overthinker, I can find my mind drifting to things that need doing mid-conversation. (I imagine I must glaze over in these moments and the people that love me must just carry on chatting away, waiting for me to return to the present.) But having a list on my phone, allows me to let go of the mental list. Providing I remember to check the list whenever I have a spare moment, I feel more confident that things won’t be forgotten and less obsessed with keeping them front of mind. 

    A life admin to-do list can feel endless though and it’s easy to let the constant cycle of to-doing drive you crazy. I’ve been there – feeling burned out and exasperated because just one day off from washing up feels like a mahoosive failure. It’s not. We face enough deadlines at work, without putting pressure on ourselves in our personal life too. A wise person recently taught me about wants and shoulds and about the importance of balance. We have to make sure that we’re doing just as many things we want to do as things we feel like we should. Because if we keep up the balance, we’re more likely to tackle the things that need doing consistently.

    Off to tackle the next few bits and pieces on my to-do list now. Right after I’ve made just one more cup of tea.  

  • Travelling With Butterflies: Navigating Anxiety Whilst Abroad

    Travelling With Butterflies: Navigating Anxiety Whilst Abroad

    Back on home turf and reflecting on an incredible weekend away in Italy spent sticking a middle finger up at all of the anxious thoughts that told me I couldn’t enjoy it.

    Travelling feels daunting to most of us regardless of our mental wellness. I think it’s natural. As someone who struggles with anxiety a lot, it can be even more scary.

    In advance, I worried about whether things would be awkward between me and the friend I was travelling with. I worried about running out of money or whether the trip would be worth the money I’d already spent. I felt super nervous about not being able to fluently speak the language and about being so far from home. I worried about having an anxiety attack and not being able to get to somewhere where I’d feel safe.

    And that was all no doubt exasperated by the fact it’s been ages since I left the UK. Many of us have spent more time at home during the pandemic than ever before and if you’re anything like me, you’ve gotten used to living in your comfort zone.

    As an overthinker, I get a foggy head in high anxiety situations. And this happens more frequently in unknown territory.

    For the first few days of the holiday, I valued time in my hotel room to recharge and I found it hard to ground myself whilst out and about exploring. That first day of travelling was the most stressful. I felt hot and tense and flustered for most of it. When I landed in Verona, just getting the bus into the town centre was nearly too much. The bus conductor got stroppy with me when I approached him for a ticket, having not noticed the ticket machine at the bus stop and that alone had me wanting to board a flight straight back to rainy London.

    I knew I was getting there when I started to notice the little things. There was a moment at the end of a long day in Venice when I looked up from where I was sat, waiting for a water taxi, took a deep breath and just took in the view.

    From there on in, it was like the butterflies decided they needed a rest from flapping. Almost as though they’d worked double time for the first half of the holiday and couldn’t keep it up any longer. And so, I can genuinely say I relaxed for the last few days.

    I wish I could say exactly what I did to get through the anxiety and out the other side. I guess the main thing I’d advise you to do is be patient with yourself. I’m glad I didn’t beat myself up when I found the first few days tough. I didn’t overthink or stress when I couldn’t finish my dinner or found myself lingering in my hotel room for longer than planned. And in the end, the gentle approach got me through.

    And I’m so proud. Proud of finding the courage to travel again even when it felt daunting and excited for all of the travels still to come. There’s hope for all of us anxious folk yet. I promise!

  • Post-birthday reflections: 28 years older and wiser-ish

    Post-birthday reflections: 28 years older and wiser-ish

    Curled up on the sofa wondering how it’s been a whole week since my birthday already.

    My anxiety didn’t impact negatively on the day at all. In fact, it was absolutely lovely. And of course it was. I woke up to cat cuddles and then spent the day surrounded by family, including Dave’s parents’ new puppy, Ollie. I couldn’t have asked for a lovelier day.

    And now here I am. I’m feelin’ 28!

    Now might be as good a time as any to bring you up to speed. Since Chapter Five ended, Dave and I have moved home again. We spent a fab 18 months living with our housemate, Tom, but when December 2020 came around and we’d been through the pandemic and out the other side, we felt like it was time to be just us again. We moved to Welwyn Garden City, where we think we may just buy a house in future, if we ever have the funds to get on the ladder. Unless circumstances change and we’re able to move back to our home town, which would be the dream.

    We’ve got cats now – their names are Willow and Mambo, they’re sisters and they are the absolute cutest.

    I’m still the same tea-loving, bookworm I was when this blog started. A cosy evening in is still my favourite thing, but I still love a good boogie with a cocktail in hand from time to time.

    Right now I’m fighting the urge to spend the next hour or so planning the next week out and instead, I’m trying to remember to pause and enjoy the lazy Sunday evening we’ve got planned. I’ve just started reading ‘Grown-ups’ by Marian Keyes and hope that will keep me occupied enough to keep my mind off the Monday fear. We’ve got a ‘fakeaway’ at the ready in the form of microwave curries and all the trimmings.

    Just three hectic working days this week until the bank holiday weekend! And I won’t be typing away Pimms in hand from a Jubilee themed street party this time next week. This time next week, I’ll be in sunny Italy! So watch this space for holiday snaps from Padua, Turin, Verona and Venice. How exciting!

  • Birthday Butterflies

    Birthday Butterflies

    I’m 28 tomorrow. I’d fully intended to draft an inspiring and upbeat birthday post to publish in celebration. I LOVE my birthday and I couldn’t wait to write about how far I’ve come since I was 18 and about my hopes and dreams for the years ahead. 

    Instead, I’ve hit a mental health blip. And I considered not writing – who wants to hear from a miserable, anxious Bronwen on the day before her birthday? Especially when I’ve literally just published a post telling you all how I’m a new more positive Bronwen nowadays. How can I call a chapter ‘Joyfully Overthinking’ only to write not-so joyfully a week later? But can I really call myself a personal blogger without blogging when it’s hard to? 

    It started yesterday. And the more I live life as a worrier, the more I realise it truly is hormonal. Mental health couldn’t be more physical. It’s like a switch flicked in my brain and life got harder almost immediately. I went from being nothing but excited about my birthday, to feeling like I wanted to call it off.

    I’ve been worrying about all of the little things – even more so than usual. Working yesterday was an uphill struggle. When I looked at the pile of laundry in our bedroom this morning I wanted to cry. In fact, just going out for dinner to celebrate my birthday eve tonight felt like too much a couple of hours ago. Let alone seeing family tomorrow.

    Except, even as I write this I’m getting there. It could be that for the last couple of hours I had my head in the final chapters of an amazing book. It could be that just writing is helping, as it always does.

    It could be that these things always pass. 

    It’s so hard to remember when you’re in the midst of it. Mental health swings are temporary. Anxiety comes in waves, it really does. And here’s hoping this wave is passing, because that roast dinner that is coming my way tomorrow will not taste anywhere near as good with a tummy full of butterflies. Bring it on 28 – Butterfly blips and all.

  • Overthinking is my superpower

    Overthinking is my superpower

    A wise person recently told me that I need to learn to love and embrace my butterflies. To feel the butterflies and decide to gratefully accept the reminder that I’m feeling anxious and gently look after myself, instead of trying to bat them away at the first sign of trouble. And I’m getting there.

    This blog was created by a Bronwen who I still feel so proud of, but who still had so much to learn. In the beginning, to me, Blogging Goodbye to Butterflies meant writing about my worries until the butterflies buggered off and left me well and truly alone. Now, I think it’s more about acknowledging I’m feeling anxious, taking a deep breath and writing, because writing helps me to feel calmer and more grounded. It’s a gentler, less resentful approach to the whole butterfly invasion. It’s like ‘hi little butterflies, thanks for reminding me to take time for myself. I’ll do that right now and I’ll see you again soon’

    I’m less resentful of the fact I’m an overthinker nowadays. In fact, I think overthinking might just be my superpower. You can bet in every situation I’ve thought over every possible outcome and am prepared for anything. I’m super open about how I’m feeling because the way I cope with overthinking my relationships is simply to pour my heart out to anyone involved and ask them if I’m going crazy. AND I’ve gotten proper good at reading a room – you can bet I’ve considered how every single person might be feeling and what they think of my outfit before anyone else has even made themselves comfortable. 

    It’s been a long time since Chapter Five. If you’re new here, hi. If you’re part of the old crowd, thanks for waiting. This time around I want to write about living with anxiety, not trying to overcome it. Welcome to a chapter titled ‘Joyfully Overthinking’ – written by me as the person I am now, still full of butterflies, but a little less resentful of them. Or trying to be.

  • Christmas during a global pandemic: This is not easy

    Christmas during a global pandemic: This is not easy

    Christmas in the UK is not going to be as planned and whether you’re directly affected by the changes announced yesterday or not, the news we’re now hearing is not easy to receive.

    At the end of a year when we’re all feeling lonely, tired and mentally exhausted and many of us heartbroken after the loss of loved ones or fearful for loved ones who are unwell, we’ve just been told things are worse than ever out there. We’re being told to stay home as much as possible and we’re being told that, at a time when we would usually be seeing as many family members and friends as humanely possible, we should be seeing very few, in some cases none at all.

    So, I don’t know who needs to hear it, but this is not easy. Cut yourself some slack.

    Firstly, today put ‘watch upbeat, cheerful film’ on your to-do list. Writing a to-do list is a very helpful way of taking control back and of giving yourself something to work towards, something you can pat yourself on the back for having achieved at the end of the day. Today, try and put stuff on the to-do list that you actually want to do. Add ‘read a book’ to your to-do list so that you can reward yourself for just having done that. On days like today, anything you choose to do other than sitting staring at the wall is an achievement – It’s not easy to do the things you enjoy when you’re feeling blue.

    Get outside today. Whether you want to or not, once you’re out and about you’ll feel so much better. Remember that you are not trapped in your home. You are allowed to walk about, run about, exercise outside as much as you want to and being outside is so good for your mental health. Take advantage of the freedom you do have.

    Reach out to loved ones and friends today. Let them know you’re there (to all my family and friends reading, please please pick up the phone if you need). Also go to family members and friends today, even if you don’t feel like talking. A phone call can solve a multitude of things, even if you go into a conversation not exactly sure what you want or need to get out of it. I know from experience that rambling onto a willing person over the phone can allow you to let go of emotions you weren’t even sure how to process by yourself.

    All of that said, if you feel like doing nothing at all do that instead and do not feel guilty for it either. Watch a film, don’t watch a film. Read a book, don’t read a book. Get outside, don’t get outside. Do whatever you need to today to make yourself feel better. This is far from easy, but you’re not alone.

    116 123 Samaritans

    03444 775 774 Anxiety UK

    0808 200 0247 Refuge

    0300 123 3393 Mind

  • COVID-19: The New Normal

    COVID-19: The New Normal

    When this all began, there was so much talk about the strain on all of us. Everyone was talking about how we had to accept that our mental health might take a dip and a dive and that it was okay to feel anxious or down. No-one expected too much and we all filled our lives in any way we could. We took each day as it came.

    Some people took to arts and crafts, baking or exercise. Others took up online courses and extra projects. Some just caught up on much needed sleep.

    Now, life’s gradually returning to a new kind of normal and if you’re anything like me, you’re suddenly convinced you should somehow feel normal again yourself. Like it’s a switch we can flick on when life gets challenging and off again when things get better.

    Here’s the thing – I still feel sad and tired, all the time. I’m missing my life before Covid-19, but I’m struggling to accept how far off a return to that exact way of life really is. I feel like stubborn teenager, sticking my heels in and adamantly waiting until things go precisely my way. I don’t want to settle for half-normal.

    I’m looking at pictures of friends filling their diaries up with plans and getting out and about. I’m watching people at work throw themselves into planning for the next few months at home (because this working from home thing seems like it’s here to stay). I’m seeing people embrace the gradual relaxing of the rules and head back to beaches and shops. And I’m doing the most unhealthy thing I could do:

    I’m directly comparing how I’m doing to how everyone else seems to be doing. I’m convincing myself that everyone else is fine and that I should be too. I feel like I should be full steam ahead back into work and socialising and my old routine and everything else that comes with it. It’s like I’ve decided Covid-19 isn’t a justifiable reason to feel ‘not quite right’ anymore.

    Soon, I’ll probably find I do start making plans and accepting the new normal. I’ll ease into it over the next few weeks and before long, I’m sure I’ll start to feel myself embrace the way things have to be. But there’s no pressure or rush to do so – It’s only me putting that pressure on me. Which is no-doubt just making me more tired than I already am.

    So, for anyone else who needs to hear it: It’s okay, to still not be okay. We’re still living through a global pandemic. And if anything, this strange return to a new kind of normal is likely to be the most mentally challenging part of the whole thing. Don’t put any additional pressure on yourself!

    Breathe, cut yourself some slack and still feel free to take each day as it comes. You’ve got this.

  • The COVID-19 pandemic continues: Is it just me?

    The COVID-19 pandemic continues: Is it just me?

    Or have things just got that little bit harder?

    Honestly? I caught myself thinking really negatively when looking at myself in the mirror this morning and it was that which turned my thoughts to the idea of blogging again. I have seen a few social media posts dedicated to positive body image, but the majority of stuff I’m seeing online suggests that whilst in lockdown, I should be running and doing yoga and that my tummy should look better than ever right now.

    In fact, my tummy is growing, because of all the time spent indoors. I don’t think I’m eating particularly unhealthily, but I’m definitely not getting as much exercise as I usually would.  My skin is clearer, because I’m not wearing makeup and I’ve caught a bit of a tan from time spent out in the sunshine, but all I can see when I look in the mirror is my chunkier waist line and the rolls under my, now tighter, jeans.

    I refuse to feel sucky about it anymore and I hope if you’re reading this and empathising then you can start being a little less hard on yourself from here on in too. Yes, I really do want to try doing some yoga with Adrienne and some virtual workouts, but the truth of the matter is that, right now just getting to the supermarket feels like a challenge.

    (I told myself that I’d get our essential grocery shop done today, but not only do I feel terrified at the thought of facing the outside world, but my car won’t start either.)

    As well as working out, there are lots of things I need to do that I know for a fact would make me feel better: The bathroom needs a clean again, we have piles of clean clothes to put away, the whole house needs a good hoover. But I simply can’t seem to kick myself into action.

    On top of feeling bad about that, I wake up every morning in a panic about who I need to check in with. I realised this morning that I haven’t spoken to my brother or sister in ages now and that it is one of my best friend’s birthdays today, but that I haven’t spoken to him since this all started. I am so ridiculously grateful for all of my wonderful family and friends, but I’m finding it hard, because I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I’ve checked in with everyone enough.

    And then on top of all of that, I feel super guilty for feeling so down and being so lazy when I think of all of the brave key workers out there facing this whole situation head on, many of them separated from family and friends, without time to even consider yoga or hoovering.

    Writing my last post was so rewarding and I’m glad I decided to write again. This post has helped in a different kind of way. Here’s hoping someone in the same boat feels better for reading it too. Somehow writing it all out like that has left me finally feeling like today is doable.

    I’ll ask Dave to take me to the shop, but I still want to do it myself because conquering that fear can only be a good thing. And I’ll stop with the negativity. Hey! Maybe I’ll even put some clean clothes away.

  • Facing a global pandemic: I just don’t feel right

    Facing a global pandemic: I just don’t feel right

    This will be my third try at a blog post. I’ve been trying and failing to write over the last few weeks: I had this grand idea that I’d start writing daily throughout this global pandemic. I was going to call the chapter ‘A blog a day to keep the blues at bay‘. But every time I put pen to paper (or started typing, but that doesn’t sound anywhere near as romantic does it?) I was unhappy with what came out.

    I guess I wanted to try and write truthfully about how this time is making me feel, to get it off my own chest, but also in the hope that it might help someone somewhere to read that this time’s got us all feeling a bit out of sorts. If you’re feeling odd and mentally vulnerable, you’re not alone, I promise.

    But whenever I tried writing I found myself trying too hard to cover all bases: To reiterate that I know there are people who this pandemic is affecting in worse ways than I can even imagine and that I know how lucky I am. And I am lucky. I’m so grateful for this beautiful, safe house and garden and the fact I can work from home and that my work is so fulfilling and that I have amazing family and friends…

    I just don’t feel quite myself. My shoulders are constantly tense and my jaw too. I find myself sighing all the time and every day just feels like a bit of an uphill struggle. I’m trying so hard to be positive, but I just feel a bit down in the dumps.

    All this time indoors is giving me heaps of thinking time and on top of everything else, I’m missing an old version of myself. I keep thinking that a younger, ‘funner’ Bronwen would have done better in this situation.

    But I’m always looking back and always wanting to go back to being the person I was and today the penny has finally dropped: Looking backwards isn’t doing me any good…

    When I was at university, I missed the care-free girl I left behind in Chelmsford, who loved her high school boyfriend to pieces and spent all her time singing. Nowadays, I miss University me, who wrote fun blogs and could stay up late and was more up for a good time. I bet some day, I’ll miss this me. Whoever this me is. And I’ll kick myself for all the time I spent dwelling on how a previous version of myself would have handled things.

    I can try and tell myself that I used to be care-free all I want, but really I’ve always been a worrier.

    And so I guess it’s no wonder Covid-19 has got me feeling a bit iffy. If anything, I’d expect to be less calm than I am. I’m still getting up every day, showering, brushing my teeth and getting dressed. I’m still eating plenty and getting out for walks and staying in touch with family and friends.

    Let’s cut ourselves some slack during this time. It’s so hard when we’re constantly exposed to perfect images of how everyone else is handing things, but I for one need to remember that I’m doing okay doing what I’m doing. There is no right way to deal with a worldwide pandemic, we’re all figuring this out one day at a time. AND I’m just Bronwen. Not past Bronwen, not present Bronwen, not future Bronwen, just me. Still me… Just a little older and maybe actually a little wiser too?

  • Week Fifty-Two: Reflections on a Chaotic Year and Lessons Learned for 2020

    Week Fifty-Two: Reflections on a Chaotic Year and Lessons Learned for 2020

    As after most Christmases, the arm of the chair that I am sat in is piled high with books: The new 2020 diary I got for Christmas, Fearne Cotton’s ‘Calm’, Rivers of London by Ben Aaronovitch (I’m on chapter 8 and loving every second), and a very thick pad titled ‘642 things to write about’ (which I cannot wait to start working my way through). The Christmas tree is twinkling away next to me and the TV is on. Three different cooking shows have been on in the time I’ve been curled up here and I am now very hungry for something yummy.

    Life’s been a little chaotic, very stressful and also all kinds of exciting. I am so relieved to have made it into Chrimbo Limbo.

    I could spend hours reflecting on 2019. I wish I could have been more prepared for everything the last year would throw my way. I spent a year in which I resolved to try and worry less and remember that these will be the good old days, worrying too much and carrying the weight of the world around with me. At the risk of sounding super gloomy, I was tired a lot and stressed a lot and sad a lot, even at times when I would have expected to feel most happy.

    But I’m grateful for all the great memories I have too. Paris in the winter, Soho with one of my best friends, a trip back to the 1920s for a night in Cardiff, a holiday in Kefalonia and an escape to Happy Place Festival. Performances with the band and a move into a new home. A visit to Casino Royale and many a laugh at Tim Minchin live.

    And I am looking forward to 2020. It’s strange, but I almost feel like a year full of so much worry has led to me finally feeling like I am capable of worrying less. This year, big stuff came our way and for once in my life, the majority of my anxiety was actually rational; the butterflies made sense.

    Now, I feel like I might be more determined than ever before, not to let the small stuff stress me out.

    I’m taking 2020 as it comes. I’m expecting a year much like this one, except this time I feel much better prepared. Ups and downs are a way of life and it’s like I’ve learned to surf the waves finally. Or I hope I have. Now, that’s a very Bronwen-esque metaphor if ever there was one and I guess that’s a wrap on Chapter Five. 52 weeks, one year and a whole load more life lessons learned.

    Be back soon.

  • Week Forty-Five: A self-care Sunday

    Week Forty-Five: A self-care Sunday

    Wow. Week 45!

    I don’t want to wish the rest of the year away, but I am itching to try and sum up this chapter: A jam packed year full of ups and downs, that was nothing I expected. I had a little look back through my diary the other day and could hardly believe that this is still the same year I went to Paris and celebrated my birthday dressed as Belle.

    The last few weeks have flown just as fast as the rest, being just as full with long days at work, jam sessions with the band and plans with friends and family.

    I slept for the longest I have in a long time last night. I didn’t set an alarm and I didn’t get up when Dave got up or accept his offer of tea. I rolled over and I went back to sleep and I was so unconcerned with looking at the clock that I’m not even sure what time I did get up in the end.

    We had a lovely friend stay the night yesterday so when I did get up the house felt super lively, which I loved. Dave, housemate Tom and our lovely friend were all cosied up in the lounge with cups of tea and music playing. They’d had Chinese food last night (I was out and about in Stratford with some other lovely ladies… One of which was performing in a K-pop dance show – she SMASHED it), so we had leftovers for breakfast and it was amazing. Is it just me that thinks Chinese food tastes even better reheated the next day?

    Now, I’m sat on our bed with my nails freshly painted and a face mask on. I feel so happy and content with my favourite music playing. It’s also starting to get dark outside and it feels so cosy in here as a result. I think the heating just came on for the evening too. It really is the little things in life.

    I made a terrible decision doing both face mask and nail paint at the same time because I’m now stuck with a red face until this polish decides to dry. I also need to get the laundry out of the machine and my tummy is rumbling… oops. For once, I couldn’t really care less though. I’m quite happy waiting, although I am looking forward to getting some jam on toast once the face mask is off.

    When I realised I had no plans today, I told myself it’d be a day to look after myself. It’s done me so much good and it’s been a massive reminder that I should do this more often.

    I’ve been in my head a lot recently – my thoughts have felt so loud and they’ve been pretty negative. BUT that negativity seems to have done a runner today. Clearly all I needed to scare off the negative thoughts was a sunny Sunday morning, a lie in and some me time. I don’t know why I didn’t devote some time to this sooner.

    If you’ve no plans this evening, take some time to pamper yourself. Whether you fancy it or not, you’ll feel so much better for it. And just in time for another working week. Sundays should be made for this. As well as roast dinners… of course!

  • Week Forty-One: Finding gratitude in the face of sadness

    Week Forty-One: Finding gratitude in the face of sadness

    This one’s for my Mum and her sisters, my aunties. I love you all so much.

    The theme of 2019 has definitely been ups and downs. I’ve had months full of happy memories and others that have been a huge struggle. Whether it’s been my mental health getting me down or things going on at home, it’s been really quite tough at times. I don’t want to write a super gloomy post, but it’s felt like every time I was picking myself up again, something else has come along and knocked me down.

    The above dedication goes out to my Mum and my aunties at a hard time for all of us. My Mum is going to be away from home for a long time and she probably won’t be home for Christmas and for me personally, worries about her and her sister and heart ache over missing her already have me feeling like the uphill climb that’s been 2019 just got steeper. She’s going to be living up in Scotland, caring for her sister who has cancer. So, this week, I’m reminded that life’s too short and we should be grateful for every little thing we can be.

    Is it just me or, in this crazy adult life, isn’t a Saturday with no plans the best thing ever? I’m grateful for this moment right now. Sat with a cuppa, in our cosy living room, typing away to a blog I love to type away to. Dave’s stuck on a record by Greta Van Fleet and I didn’t expect to like it as much as I am. (It’s actually pretty awesome.) I’ve got Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows sat next to me on the coffee table and a hot water bottle to cuddle. I’ve got candles lit and I’m wearing the cutest socks (which a group of my loveliest friends bought for me for one of my birthdays).

    It’s been a mad few weeks. Between long days at work, band practice, the stuff going on with my family and the social stuff too, I’ve not done as much nothing as I’m doing today in a while.

    It’s not all doom and gloom: To give you some of the highlights, since I last wrote:

    Dave and I went to our nearest zoo from the new house. It’s ZSL Whipsnade and I highly recommend a visit. It turns out it’s the biggest zoo in the UK. We walked over 7 miles just wondering around and it’s great because there isn’t really any set route or paths to take. You just kinda get through the entrance and go on your own adventure. With regular pit stops for coffee and food between amazing animals, it makes for a great day. You feel like you’ve properly escaped. The animals’ enclosures are huge too and although this means you don’t necessarily get to see them all, it’s good to see that they’ve got so much space to roam. The zoo is properly focused on conservation and not just on guest satisfaction.

    Dave and I also went to see Rodrigo Y Gabriella play at The Hammersmith Apollo. They were AMAZING. Such good performers and musicians and eeek. I’m a big fan!

    The band had our second gig which was at a lovely pub in Camden called The Golden Lion. I was still so ridiculously nervous and I was full of cold, but it was still great fun and I think we sounded good! We got paid in roast dinner too, which is the best thing ever.

    I drove up to Sheffield with my little sister to meet two of the members of one of her favourite metal bands. I’m still not convinced I’ll ever like their music, but they were really great guys and they made such a huge effort for their fans that day and it was actually a lot of fun to road trip up there together. We went to a really cool bar and I had the most amazing street food I’ve ever had.

    I also met a lovely friend in Cheltenham for the day a couple of weeks back. We started with breakfast, had a stroll around the shops, saw the famous mechanical clock blow bubbles, wandered down through the parks and the older, prettier part of town and went to Cosy Club for a very yummy dinner. It was the bestest day.

    I’m sure there’s other stuff I’ve forgotten too!

    In summary, my heart goes out to my family, life is precious and not to be taken for granted no matter how busy and stressful it might feel at times and I’m so grateful for all the happy memories I continue to make and for today: A day of calm among the chaos.

  • Week Thirty-Six: Settling Into Our New Home

    Week Thirty-Six: Settling Into Our New Home

    The house move has gone surprisingly smoothly for me. Especially considering my inability to accept change, close attachment to places and things and general emotional-ness.

    I was super emotional when we eventually said goodbye to the flat, but in my defence, it had been one of those weeks anyway and I was due a good cry. Also, it was so strange seeing the flat all naked and empty and knowing it wasn’t ours anymore.

    I think what’s made the move so much easier is that our new place literally ticks all the boxes. Life’s so much easier with a washing line and a designated cupboard for bedding and towels and under bed storage and a station nearby. And the house felt so homey so quickly too! The owner has decorated it so brightly and it was funished with a few bits and pieces before we even got all of our stuff in.

    And my goodness do we have a lot of stuff! How two people can own so many things and have kept them in a 1 bed flat for so long I do not know. It’s also not until you try and pack your life into boxes you realise how fragile literally everything is! From kitchenware to ornaments and frames, I felt like I was drowning in a sea of bubble wrap!

    September 1st came around and the new house was sorted and the next few gigs with the band were confirmed and that autumn chill appeared from nowhere. Then, I got my boots out and I saw that Primark have their Disney Christmas tinsel out already and suddenly, I felt so much brighter again.

    Autumn is hands-down the best time of year. I can’t wait for the first trees to go orange and brown and the first crisp frosty morning and the first time I get all wrapped up in a snug coat and scarf and the first hot chocolate on a chilly evening! I know September might have a few summery days left in it yet, but I live for this time of year and I’m so excited!

  • Week Thirty: Back from Kefalonia and Preparing to Move Home

    Week Thirty: Back from Kefalonia and Preparing to Move Home

    In just a few weeks time now, we’ll be moving out of this little flat and moving into a new home. This little place we’ve called home for two and a half years, will soon be someone else’s home and we’ll be settling ourselves into a new one. I’m a little emotional about it already, can you tell?

    That said, when I remember just how hard the move to this little flat really was for me, I feel as though I’ve come a long way. Chapter Three was one of the most open and honest chapters I ever wrote and it was written at a time when this place felt too new and strange and unfamiliar to be called home. Now, I’m as emotional as I am because this place really is ours.

    This makes me feel all kinds of soppy and gives me hope that this time, this move, I might just be okay.

    Today I’ve another jam session with the band! The novelty is never going to wear off… I am never going to be able to say that without ruining all of the coolness by squealing! I’ve got a horrid cold, so who knows how I’m going to sound, but I’m still rocking up. I feel like, worst case scenario, I can sit in the corner and munch while the rest of the guys write and play. I’ll just watch in awe and contribute when I can.

    This week will be my first full week back at work after my holiday and I’m actually quite looking forward to it. As per, I’m really excited about the return to routine and all things normal.

    The holiday was FANTASTIC though. I cannot recommend Kefalonia enough. The people are lovely. The food is AMAZINGGGG. The itself island is so beautiful: The towns of Fiscardo and Assos which weren’t touched by the 1953 earthquake and the cities of Sami and Argostoli which had to be rebuilt. The coast is stunning and the sea is stunning. So much so that I went for a swim! Yes, the Bronwen who is terrified of the sea and anything to do with it, wondered off the beach and right into it like it was as easy as pie! The sea looked like a swimming pool it was so clear! Who could be afraid of that!? Once was enough though, second time around my mind wandered too often to whose habitat I was in and whether I was welcome…

    We stayed in Skala and I’d definitely recommend Skala too. It’s small enough that you get your bearings fast, but there are plenty of restaurants and bars and shops to grab your souvenirs in. It feels very safe and super chilled, but lively in the evenings. It’s basically the best of all worlds. We loved it.

  • Week Twenty-Eight: Overcoming Anxiety and Facing More Life Changes

    Week Twenty-Eight: Overcoming Anxiety and Facing More Life Changes

    WHERE IS THE YEAR GOING!?

    I knew 2019 was going to be a big’un. I never could have prepared myself for how much of an uphill climb the first half of it would be. People in my life are having a really hard time of it and without meaning to make this all about me, I’ve felt the impact in so many ways.

    And so, I said there was to be no stressing when my birthday party came around and yet, but it turns out maybe I was right to worry…

    I don’t want any of the amazing people who came to be disappointed or sad. I certainly don’t want my parents’ to feel like all their efforts were wasted. It was an AMAZING night!

    But honestly? I spent the whole thing feeling very anxious and went to bed crying at 1am because I was so frustrated that I hadn’t been able to enjoy it. And then I kinda descended into a butterfly filled hole of anxiety from there. Triggered by the feeling and exasperated by the need for it to have been perfect, knowing there was nothing I could do except move onwards.

    Now, here I am in July and my anxiety feels like it’s finally under control again. It feels like everything is coming together, but a lot’s going to change over the next couple of months so I’m proceeding with caution.

    I remember New Year’s Eve 2011 very clearly. 2012 was going to be the year everything changed and I knew I wasn’t going to like it one bit. I went to bed early and when it got to midnight I cried.

    And I was right; I didn’t enjoy the changes at all. Going off to university turned my whole world upside down. If I had known back then, that life would always be full of change and that I was just going to have to get used to it, I’m not sure what I would have done. Decided this life wasn’t for me and I was going to live under my duvet for the rest of it? Probably.

    I know that I’ve come a long way since then, especially when it comes to my mental health and my anxiety. I am prepared for the fact that the next couple of months may throw me off a little, but I’m also super excited about everything.

    I suppose I should fill you in. Where to start?

    Today I have a jam session with my new band. YEP, MY NEW BAND. As many of you know, I lost confidence in my singing voice since studying music at university. Being part of that music department made me feel like a very small fish in an extremely big pond and I never really shook that feeling. And, if you’ve been keeping up, you’ll know that I’ve repeatedly pledged to make more time for music in my life this year.

    Well, I work with this great guy who, over the last couple of months, has gone and given me my music mojo back. He didn’t really give me a choice in the matter. He rocked up at my desk one day and told me about this new collective of musicians he was pulling together. He said it was Jazz, but not Jazz. And kinda classically influenced, but not really either. He said he thought I might fit right in and before I knew it I was at the studio with him. It took me over half an hour to sing my first note.

    Now, I’m away! We’ve had our first gig and, although I was super nervous, I managed to successfully sing every note and, although I might not have sung as well as I know I can, I was so proud and happy when we finished. Mostly proud to be working with such a talented set of musicians. The guy from work’s a ridiculously talented drummer. We’re playing with an AMAZING classical guitarist and FANTASTIC saxophonist and I’m so excited. Can you tell?

    That aside, we’re also moving home! (Providing our references all go through fine and they decide they think we’ll be able to pay the rent each month.) We’re moving in with a friend, into a much bigger home in a lovely village with loads of pubs and a big common and it’s going to be so lovely. And best of all… I can walk to the train station… waheyyyy. No more sitting in traffic every morning!!

    Anddd finally, I passed my big qualification at work and now I’m officially qualified to do what I want to do. The world is now my oyster on the career front and I’m really excited to see where work life takes me from here… That’s if I’m not too busy touring with the new band of course.

    Life’s more challenging than ever before. Particularly for someone with anxiety as stubborn as mine. But I’m making sure to take deep breaths when I can and I’m taking moments here and there to make sure I’m doing okay. I am doing okay. And next week I’m off on holiday. What better way to look after one’s mental health than to spend a week in the sun, with a good book (Miles Davis’ autobiography being my current book of choice… I’m only 3 chapters in, but I am loving it!) and an amazing friend? Eeeeek!

  • Week Twenty: Celebrating Friendship and Turning 25

    Week Twenty: Celebrating Friendship and Turning 25

    It’s late in the day for a blog post, I know. As the weekend comes to an end, I’m feeling particularly melancholy and blogging always makes me feel chirpier, so here we are.

    It feels like Sunday evening came around very quickly. It feels like only a few minutes ago, I was rolling out of bed (post- eurovision lie in was a necessity) and getting to work spring cleaning with Dave. The flat needed a good tidy and we rewarded ourselves with a lovely lunch out, so it’s been a good day all in all. I just can’t believe it’s nearly over.

    I suppose, there’s still time. Time to get a real wriggle on with the studying. Time to chill and have dinner. Time to curl up with a movie and probably fall asleep in the middle of it.

    Week twenty was a great week, if only because we were back to routine and that’s always a bit of a relief after a hectic few weeks in a row. That and the fact that the weather has been so beautiful!

    This week I felt a little more on top of everything on the work front. Bank holidays are great, but I’d only just really caught up at work after Easter and then May came around and threw me off track again.  I needed this full five day week to get back on track. I had a very productive and equally lovely working from home day: I spent it working out on the balcony and cooked turkey dinosaurs at lunch time.

    In other news, I started reading Adam Kay’s ‘This is Going to Hurt‘ this week and I’m flying through it! I’ve a feeling it’s going to be a full 5 stars from me! The book is hilarious, but also eye-opening. Reading it is so enjoyable, but at the same time so frustrating. Basically, ‘This is Going to Hurt‘ contains lots of Adam Kay’s diary entries from when he was a junior doctor. He helpfully translates the medical language and he’s brutally honest. It’s terrifying actually, to hear about the challenges our NHS staff face every day and the lengths they are pushed to. When reading it on the tubes, I felt like getting everyone’s attention and reading extracts out loud to the carriage just to raise more awareness.

    Friday night was spent at Las Iguanas with my best friend, numerous cocktails and tapas. She brought me the loveliest necklace for my birthday (which happens to be on Wednesday… And I’m going to be 25… EEK!) and we had a wonderful time catching up on life.

    Yesterday, I drove to Salisbury to see another good friend. Escaping London was the absolute bestest. It took me ages to get past Heathrow and out the other side, but once I was away from the motorways and off onto the A roads in Wiltshire, I immediately felt happier. I whizzed down the roads, fields for miles on either side of me, until I reached her lovely flat. I was so happy to see her: It’d been way too long! We got a really yummy lunch in town and then did some shopping. I’m relieved to say that I successfully purchased my costume for my birthday party next week…

    I can’t quite believe I’m going to be 25! I feel like this is it. This is the best age to be. I’d quite happily pause here for a bit. Determined to celebrate this year. For a few years in a row, I’ve not really made a thing of my birthday. I’m a stressy host anyway and getting everyone together always feels like a huge ordeal. A huge ordeal, that I will have undertaken by the time next Sunday comes around! I’m hosting a fancy dress party this year. Everyone’s coming as something beginning with ‘B’ and so far, I’m more excited than nervous. I just hope everyone has a great time and I can get my 26th year off to a strong start. Absolutely no stressing about hosting allowed. See you on the other side!

  • Week Fifteen: Embracing Life’s Ups and Downs

    Week Fifteen: Embracing Life’s Ups and Downs

    I’m wearing my sunny day t-shirt (under my biggest fluffy jumper because it’s chilly despite the sunshine) with my oldest, comfiest jeans. I’m munching on Bitsa Wispa in an attempt to satisfy the sweet tooth I’ve woken up with. I’m smiling because sunny Sundays are my favourite thing and I’ve already had three cups of tea today.

    This week’s been a bit of an emotional roller-coaster.

    It’s been a long time since I’ve been as scared as I was when I woke up Wednesday morning to take on one of my biggest challenges at work. One of my biggest challenges at work, in the midst of all the challenges going on outside of work. Understandably I think, I’d been feeling nauseous for days in the build up and I’ve never been so exhausted as when the day drew to a close. I tumbled into bed without even taking a moment to think about how things had gone.

    When I woke up on Thursday, I was still tired and had made the mistake of scheduling in a working from home day, thinking I’d need time to unwind. Turns out, a whole day in on my own was not what I needed. I felt lost and sad and lonely and I knew Wednesday had gone well, but I couldn’t feel happy about it.

    Friday, I was buzzing. A challenging week at work had been a huge success and after another night’s sleep I was actually feeling restored enough to enjoy it and let the pride kick in. I AM SO PROUD. It also helped that I was back in the office, surrounded by people, with a to do list as long as my arm.

    Yesterday was a good day all in all. I was super excited about the fact Dave and I had no plans this weekend and I could do what I liked. We watched movies, I read my book. Late in the afternoon, Dave and I went to the shop to get some beers in time for the football and then… I spent a good chunk of the evening crying my heart out! Just like that, it came out of nowhere and Dave and I ended up on a late night walk talking everything through. I went to sleep still trying to process everything and then I woke up this morning to find life didn’t seem nearly as bad again and cooked a fry-up with a massive smile on my face.

    All of that said, perhaps emotional roller-coaster doesn’t quite cover it!?

    Today I genuinely feel fine. I’m looking forward to date night with Dave tonight. We’re off to see Captain Marvel and we’ll probably grab dinner first. Where we’re going for dinner is yet to be decided. Best get our thinking caps on now or we’ll be overwhelmed by the choice later.

    So relieved that we’re on the approach to the next bank holiday of the year. A couple of four day weeks in a row sounds like just the thing to me.

    Life’s been full of challenges recently. I’ve been taking on new things at work. I’ve been out of my comfort zone in every day life. I’ve been rocking up to hen dos and birthday celebrations without knowing what to expect or who’s going to be attending, making new friends along the way. I’ve been making big decisions, talking about adult stuff like mortgages and my career…

    I feel stronger and more terrified all at once, every day. And I feel more grateful every day. Grateful most of all for the amazing people in my life who give me the confidence I need to get up and at ’em, whatever the new day might bring.

  • Week Fourteen: It’s okay to find happiness, even during tough times

    Week Fourteen: It’s okay to find happiness, even during tough times

    Hoorayyy. As week fourteen draws to a close I cannot help smiling. I’m off to see my Dad and my sister as soon as I’ve hit publish and I’m so looking forward to a roast dinner.

    It’s been a busy few weeks and I’ve made so many amazing memories. In the true spirit of chapter five, I’ve chucked myself head first into everything!

    Since I last wrote, I’ve been to see George Ezra at the O2. HE WAS AMAZING. I’ve been to a 1920s themed Speakeasy Festival in a big old house in Cardiff and then literally walked down memory lane, towards the city centre, bare foot, with my heels in my hands. I went along to see one of my best friends perform with her fabulous Technicolor choir and enjoyed a good boogie with her and the choir afterwards. I’ve had numerous pub lunches and dinner dates (my favourite things). I went along to a uni friend’s hen do and partied two nights in a row. TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW I TELL YOU. (And I was exhausted come Sunday… how my 18 year old self ever coped with freshers I will never know.)

    Most of these things were in the diary and in the approach to all this craziness I felt apprehensive: I wasn’t certain I was in the right frame of mind. There’s still lots going on that I can’t share with you all and I’m still spending a lot of time feeling the impact of it all. I’m so glad I pushed through though. I could easily have opted for a night in my PJs or a day with my head in a book. But as much as I love nights in and book worm days, sometimes getting out of the house and spending time making brilliant memories with amazing friends is what’s going to get you through.

    These few weeks have been about me remembering that you can allow yourself to get out and enjoy yourself, without feeling guilty for ignoring the stuff you’re feeling sad about. In fact, it’s really important to compartmentalise. We all need to remember that. Being able to go out and enjoy yourself doesn’t mean you don’t care enough: You’re not ignoring things, you’re just putting them to the back of your mind when you need to. Because parts of your life can be fantastic while others fall apart. That’s just how it goes. And if you try to feel everything, all the time, sooner or later you’ll explode.

  • Week Eleven: Making Time For What Brings Me Joy

    Week Eleven: Making Time For What Brings Me Joy

    About this time last week I was stood in the middle of a nearby field, with my Mum, in a state of complete and utter panic, having walked for an hour or so (in circles) and having lost all sense of direction. I was absolutely convinced we’d ended up miles away from home and I had no idea how to find our way back. It was very windy and a little rainy and I was cream crackered and when I rang Dave, I thought all hope was lost.

    He found us in ten minutes. Yep. Turns out, we hadn’t strayed far at all and I’d gotten all in a tizz over nothing. Story of my life.

    Right now, one week later, I’m safely curled up under a blanket, with an orange juice and lemonade (branching out from the usual cup of tea!) and I’m over half way through Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I hope I won’t get myself in too much trouble with Harry Potter fans for saying, I’ve struggled with this one so far. It’s picking up now, but the first half was a bit of a slog.

    11 weeks ago I resolved to do a lot of things. I know one of them was to snooze my alarm less and that has gone well and truly out of the window (perhaps this week will be the week!). Another was to join some fitness classes and no, that has not happened. BUT this week I might start wearing my Fitbit again and at least take the stairs when I can. Dun dun dunnn.

    I guess the resolutions that were most important to me were the ones that involved me rediscovering music: Music has always been so important to me. And yet, it has gradually dropped out of my life since I finished my Music and History degree in 2015. I only really listen to music when I’m driving. I barely ever play my piano or ukulele anymore.

    This week, I’ve been working on two new covers on the ukulele! YES I HAVE. And I’ve been working on two new originals at the piano. I’ve also created a playlist for music to listen to at work.  Don’t ask why I hadn’t done that sooner… Who knows!? But now that I have, it’s great to be able to switch the office noise off for a bit now and again and get properly in the zone.

    I feel stronger today than I have in a long time and I know lots of things have contributed to getting me there this week. My lovely team at work for one. My organisation last Sunday and the to do lists that I stuck to. The brilliant day spent with one of my best friends yesterday, wandering the Museum of London and catching up over dinner.

    I can’t help thinking that music has literally given me strength though. All’s left to do now is find a choir or a band to join. I need to get working with other musicians again. I want my music mojo back.

    I hope that whatever your passions are, you can make the time to pursue them. Because life often gets in the way and we simply shouldn’t let it.

  • Week Nine: Normality is underrated and not to be taken for granted

    Week Nine: Normality is underrated and not to be taken for granted

    Monday morning I rolled over to grab the tv remote, turned on the news and snoozed for ten minutes. I rolled out of bed and into the shower. I didn’t have time for a cuppa (because of the snooze – so worth it on a Monday morning) and I headed straight to the station once I was showered and dressed.

    Pause there – I have to mention the weather.  The weather in England, was unheard of at the start of this week. In England, for three days it was t shirt weather. It was unseasonably warm and bright and sunny. The daffodils came out and everything.

    Monday night, I got home, Dave and I cooked dinner together and then we watched TV until I fell asleep on him and had to go to bed.

    Tuesday evening I met one of my best friends for dinner and we chatted away about books and music and exciting upcoming events (including one of our best friend’s wedding, eek!). My Gourmet Burger Kitchen burger was amazing and I journeyed home with my head in my book and smile on my face.

    Wednesday was a normal working from home day. I did two loads of washing. I cleaned the bathroom and kitchen on my lunch break. I was in my element with the sun shining and the windows open and music playing. Another bud on the orchid that I have successfully grown, flowered beautifully. (Yes, I have successfully gotten an orchid to flower! Am I a real life adult now?) I played piano before dinner and then Dave and I cooked steaks and watched Oceans 8.

    Thursday evening I met my sister for dinner which was super lovely. We had the best of evenings and I hope we’ll meet for dinner like that more often from now on. Sister time is golden.

    Dave and I stayed at our friends’ on Friday night. They’re the best hosts ever and it was super chilled and super fun.

    Saturday afternoon, once Dave and I were home, we just chillaxed. I read and snoozed on the sofa. We had chilli for dinner. We watched Goodfellas, which I totally agree is one of the best films ever. We drank wine and didn’t clock watch. I love not having to watch the clock on Friday and Saturday nights!

    Right now, I’m sat on the sofa trying and failing to eat hula hoops, because I’ve put a face mask on and it’s dried too much for me to open my mouth. I woke up with a tummy full of butterflies and I felt like my head might explode. But I knew exactly what I had to do: I opened up the notes app on my phone and titled the note ‘Things that are stressing me out’. Then I wrote everything down until I felt better. I had a chat with my Dad which cheered me up no end. (Shout out to my Dad!). And now I’m committed to an afternoon of relaxation to make sure the butterflies are behind me.

    I’ve always been more than happy to natter away openly about my anxiety and the challenges I am facing. The problem with writing a personal blog is that there is often stuff that happens in life that it’s not your place to share with the whole world wide web.

    When I wrote at the end of Week Four, I mentioned that the year had gotten off to a tough start and I couldn’t really say anymore than that. I can’t really say anymore than that even now.

    What I will say is that I’ve come to the realisation that normality is underrated and routine is not to be taken for granted. When things are ticking along just fine, we often find ourselves complaining we’re bored, but we don’t realise how lucky we are. Because when life turns upside down, you’ll find all you want is for life to go back to being boring again. 

    I’m so glad March has come around. Spring in on the way and things can only get better.

  • Week Six: Home again after a Wintery Weekend in Paris

    Week Six: Home again after a Wintery Weekend in Paris

    This time one week ago, I was in Paris with one of my bestest friends. I think it was Sunday night that we spent up at Montmartre admiring Le Sacre Coeur. We found a fantastic restaurant to have dinner, where two men were playing guitars and the food was great. The French waiter convinced me to order the ‘good wine’ for an extra four euro and he was EXTREMELY peeved when my friend wouldn’t be so easily swayed.

    We had a lovely time in Paris. I had received mixed reviews in the lead up to our trip. It seems people either love it or hate it. I loved it. I can’t wait to go back already. We stayed in Bastille (which I would highly recommend doing) and, for three nights, were in a brilliant area full of lively bars and restaurants, cute cafes and amazing bakeries. I didn’t buy macaroons to bring home; I felt like they should be saved for Paris. I regret my decision already. I MISS MACAROONS. (I know I could probably find them in London, but it just wouldn’t be the same!)

    We drank plenty of wine and ate cheese and meats and crepes and macaroons galore. One delicacy we didn’t brave was the snails. Did we miss out? My sister would tell me we did, but I really don’t think I could have done it.

    We were doing good with the French by the end of the trip too! We definitely gained confidence as we went along. At breakfast on the final day, I successfully told the waitress I’d like a coffee, but then sissied out and ordered my eggs in English. I was half way there at least! Je pense que notre francais etait tres bon!

    We came back from Paris on Monday and so for me, week number six began on Tuesday. I expected work to be absolute madness (and by the end of the week it was), but I’d left things surprisingly organised and on Tuesday I was able to ease myself back in gently.

    The week actually flew by and Friday came around nice and quickly.

    Friday evening just gone was lovely. I spent it at a best friend’s house treating myself to a face mask and a fresh coat of paint on my nails. She cooked me an incredibly tasty chicken stir fry and we watched rubbish TV until I was too sleepy to keep my eyes open any longer.

    It’s been quite a chilled weekend really. We had no plans. I’m currently working on my Level 2 assessment for a new qualification at work and therefore have spent the majority of today with my head in a book. The best kind of Sundays are though, right? Now the sweet potato chips are in the oven, steaks are at the ready, the bottle of red wine has officially been opened and we’re going to stick a movie on.

    Simply, Paris is lovely, work is mad, weekends are the bestest and let’s please not mention the New Years’ Resolutions again just yet.

  • Week Four: Celebrating Small Wins

    Week Four: Celebrating Small Wins

    Week four of 2019 began, for all of us, with Blue Monday. On Blue Monday, I felt surprisingly yellow. I spent the tube journey smiling to myself like a fool. I was determined not to let the whole ‘Blue Monday’ label convince me that it was going to be a difficult day. After all, I did a little bit of research and it turns out that Blue Monday is a term which was created by a holiday company just to sell trips abroad! I’d had a wonderful weekend with a lovely friend and it’d left me feeling refreshed and determined. I’d decided this week was my do-over. Chapter five, take two.

    It’s been a tough start to the year, for reasons I can’t really share with the world wide web. This was the first week I was back to some kind of normality again. This week, I had to go back to answering the question ‘How are you?’ without crying. In the end, this week was definitely a week for cutting myself some slack and giving myself a pat on the back for the little things I did better. Tough start to the year or not, I think we should all get better at rewarding ourselves for the small, everyday successes. Life’s not easy, even at the best of times…

    Tuesday I worked from home, caught up on some studying, got myself organised for the rest of the week and made a sandwich for lunch on Wednesday. (making the sandwich was a step in the right direction sure, but it took all of two minutes, which did cause me to question why I ever spend money on lunch and can’t seem to make time to simply butter some bread and stick some ham on it every evening).

    On Wednesday morning the butterflies woke up when I did and I wanted to hide away at home and go back to sleep. I perked myself up, kicked myself into action and that night, spent a lovely evening with a group of friends at an amazing italian restaurant called Pasta Brown. It’s in Covent Garden and if you haven’t been and you can go, you should. I had the Penne Pasta Brown and a slice of chocolate fudge cake and left very full and very happy. So full and happy that I fell asleep at 9:30pm, shortly after getting home.

    The week soon came to an end and it’s been a chilled weekend thank goodness. Yesterday morning’s lie-in made me feel brand new. I left bed to grab tea, breakfast and my book. I then sat with the tv on (Saturday Kitchen made good background) and read, in bed, until lunch time.  In the afternoon Dave and I headed into London to meet two friends for a drink and a bite to eat. We hadn’t seen them in FOREVER and it was super lovely to catch up.

    I was up reading late last night and indulged in another glorious lie-in this morning. I’m now nearly half way through Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine and I am COMPLETELY hooked. It’s amazing.

    Now Week Four’s nearly over and I’m just pleased I got up and at ’em every day and I was organised for once.

    Dave and I are headed back to Chelmsford for the day today. Roast dinner at my mum and dad’s and over to see his parents’ too. I love Sundays.

    2019 is just beginning. Plenty of time for resolutions yet.