Blogging Goodbye to Butterflies

Author: Honestly Bron

  • For the love of autumn

    For the love of autumn

    I am doing my best to enjoy autumn in all its gloriousness.

    And it really is glorious. Especially in Welwyn Garden City, where every road is lined with trees now turning wonderful shades of yellow, orange and red. The ground is covered with fallen leaves, which I hope are providing shelter to plenty of hedgehogs. (I tread carefully through them just in case.)

    The jumper drawer is now well and truly open for business and I’m so happy to be back wearing scarves and boots. I’m still getting out for those morning walks when I can and there’s something about the air being crisp that makes them all the more rewarding.

    I made some diddy changes in the flat this week, to make it feel cosier. I found a new blanket for the sofa in B&M and a new cushion for my armchair in Tesco. Then I switched our neutral sofa cushions out for red, pink and brown ones. I moved the fruit bowl to the dining table and stuck a biscuit tin in its place on the coffee table. Because summer is for fruit salads and juices, but in my book, autumn is for hot chocolate and cookies.

    Note to self – buy more hot chocolate.

    BUT perhaps it’s also time to accept that there are things about this time of year that are tricky. It’s getting colder. The mornings are getting gradually darker. There are flus going around left, right and centre. And I think I’m going to have to allow myself some time to just be tired.

    And if you’re feeling tired lately, you should too. Because before we know it, it’ll be party season and we’ll need to be full of beans.

  • Every day’s a school day

    Every day’s a school day

    I’ve learned three things this week.

    1. Paddington Station is hands down the most confusing station in London and it’s no wonder Paddington Bear ended up lost when he tried to navigate it alone.

    Friday night some super lovely friends and I had arranged to meet there, because we were kick-starting a night of celebrations by taking a GoBoat out on the canals. When we got there we wasted a good 15 minutes just trying to find each other, only to spend another 15 trying to find the right exit. Once we had made it out and found our boat though, we went on to have the best evening. Sitting on that boat as the sun went down, sipping my drink and chatting away made me so happy, as did the table full of food at the tapas restaurant where we spent the rest of the night.

    2. Blue nail polish is for life.

    Last night we headed to a secret location to join the Gathering of the Clans at the Guardians of the Galaxy themed secret cinema*. I’ll avoid spoilers for anyone else planning to go along this year, but our costumes needed to feature blue and be space-y and so out came my blue nail polish for the first time since one sunny day in 2016. This morning, I had an absolute mare trying to get it off. I’ve now accepted my thumb will look slightly blue for the foreseeable.

    3. Even when it doesn’t feel like it, you can say no.

    Literally nothing is more important than your mental health. When I was reminded of this earlier this week, I didn’t actually end up saying no to anything. I cracked on with things and I’m so pleased I did, but approaching those things knowing they were optional made everything easier. Life can feel overwhelming when you look ahead to days full of plans which you’re not sure you’ll have the energy for anymore. You can feel trapped in an endless cycle of obligations. Which can seem silly when those obligations are in fact fun plans which you feel like you should feel excited about. But sometimes even the fun stuff takes it out of us. Remembering that all you’ve really got to do is eat, drink water and keep your job can make things feel so much more manageable again. Focus on you first and all of the other stuff after.

    *And for the super keen readers among you, interested in my review of secret cinema’s Guardians of the Galaxy experience?

    As amazing and immersive as always, but you definitely get less for your money now than you did before it became popular. I loved it, but I just wish there’d been more to it. The entrance to the world was amazing and I was blown away by the way they’d managed to capture the Marvel universe. The performers were brilliant and were as fab as ever at engaging with the crowd. We had a great time soaking up the atmosphere BUT when we did decide we wanted to get involved there were only a few actors leading on the action and so it took us ages to find one. One of the food stands sold the best beef brisket bao buns I’ve ever had, but they cost me £10 and I still needed to stop at KFC on the way home for a proper dinner. And the bars only sold a super limited range of drinks. All in all, probably would recommend, but be aware it doesn’t come cheap.

  • Sunday Night Butterflies: Dealing With Anxiety on a Sunday

    Sunday Night Butterflies: Dealing With Anxiety on a Sunday

    Sipping peppermint tea and as ever, trying to keep the Sunday night butterflies at bay – work is manic at the minute and whilst I’m actually looking forward to this week, I can’t help feeling a little nervous too.

    I’ve spent a little while deciding whether to write today. It’s been an overwhelming, monumental and sad week in the UK and across the world and everyone is paying their respects to Queen Elizabeth II in their own way. Some by stepping back from creating content all together, because a national period of mourning has been announced. Some putting content out there as normal, but having to prepare themselves for the backlash from people who feel they shouldn’t be.

    I’m probably not nearly important enough to be worrying about whether it’s appropriate for me to write or not. I do know that for me, to not write would feel totally unnatural. I was driving when the news that the Queen had died was announced. I drove home teary-eyed, whilst the BBC broadcast reflected on the Queen’s life and welcomed the new King to the throne. I felt so sad and I still do now. But if anything, it’s at times like these I want to write more than ever. So, on I go, whilst sending my best wishes to the Queen’s family and friends and to anyone struggling with grief this weekend.

    It’s been a much needed, super lazy hazy weekend in our little world. Much needed, not just because of the sad news, but because we both had very full-on weeks anyway.

    We had the best time with family and friends over to stay on Friday night. We started Saturday with bacon and sausage sarnies and Nintendo games. And, well I’ve not really moved from the sofa much since, except to head to the shops for food.

    We’re fully embracing the return of cooler, darker evenings and enjoying being able to curl up on the sofa under blankets again. Last night we ate fajitas and watched TV until we couldn’t keep our eyes open any longer.

    Here and now, my mint tea is nearly gone, but the butterflies are still out in full force. I think perhaps it’s just going to be one of those nights. Going to try and embrace it, feel the nerves fully and keep the faith that when Monday does come around, it’ll all be okay.

    We’ve got everything we need to make a roast dinner tonight. A glass of red wine and a roast dinner, with an abundance of gravy, will have me feeling all kinds of cosy in time to settle down for the night I’m sure. It’s a good job butterflies rarely keep me from eating when I’m hungry.

    Relax jaw. Drop shoulders. Deep breath. Hit publish and get the oven on. Here goes…

  • All Storms Really Do Pass

    All Storms Really Do Pass

    Honestly? This week wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. On Tuesday, returning to work after the bank holiday, I had a really rubbish brain day. My head was full of fluff and anxiety and everything felt difficult. I stumbled through, but by the end of it, I had a mighty tension headache and tears in my eyes. Luckily, I have some wonderful people around me who got me through and I went to sleep full of pasta and feeling more human.

    By Friday, I was headed into London for a day at the office and the butterflies were a distant memory. And things just got better from there. Being in the office rejuvenated me and left me feeling more motivated on the work front. Seeing some lovely colleagues gave me a proper boost too. And then Friday night we saw some friends who never fail to chill me out and make me smile. I woke up yesterday morning full of beans and ready to enjoy a night away with Dave.

    I woke up this Sunday morning to the sound of rain hammering away on the wooden roof of the glamping pod we were staying in. Boiling the kettle to make a cup of tea, to sip in front of the rainy window, felt like the perfect way to welcome in Autumn.

    Now we’re home and the flat is as warm as it was in the summer, even with the blinds doing their best to keep the sun at bay and us cool. I don’t mind too much though. I’m in a comfy dress with a glass of water on the go and the memories of our cosy morning still fresh in my mind.

    And so there you have it: All storms really do pass. And if you’re feeling sucky right now, take care of yourself, reach out for support and trust the process. You’ll find the fog will clear and one day soon you’ll feel a bit more like facing whatever is in your path. And I hope at that point, some good stuff comes your way and makes you smile too.

  • Full of Pride

    Full of Pride

    Curled up on the sofa with the cutest puppy ever, watching his favourite Disney+ TV show (yes, he has a favourite).

    Happy bank holiday to everyone in the UK! And all the love in the world to anyone who’s having to work through it. You’ve got this and I hope you get some you-time soon!

    I extended my bank holiday weekend and so, without meaning to rub it in, for me the weekend started on Thursday.

    Thursday was such a good day too. I still got my morning walk in, but instead of working the rest of the day, I got to read and write and tweet and even went to see my Dad and Brother for a cuppa.

    Friday was spent road-tripping over to Wales, headed to stay with my friend Tasha from uni. Once I got there, we spent our evening in the hot tub with a glass of wine each.

    We spent the day yesterday in Cardiff joining the Pride celebrations and it filled me with so much joy. And not just because I got to be back in one of my favourite cities in the world with one of my favourite people.

    It angers and humbles me that there was a time, not very long ago, when attending a Pride Parade would mean literally putting your life in danger. Even today, there’s a risk of protests and confrontation.

    I feel very lucky that I got to enjoy all the best bits of Pride. Where I stood to watch the parade I was surrounded by happy, smiling people shouting in support and waving their flags. At the festival, we boogyed the evening away covered in glitter and rainbows. And I experienced the whole thing through literal rose-tinted, heart-shaped glasses!

    Now I’m in Essex with Dave, staying at his parents’ house while they’re away and smiling at the thought of another day off tomorrow. As we’re puppy sitting tonight, we’ve treated ourselves to a Chinese takeaway and we’re planning to scroll through Netflix until we find a good film to watch. And I might have another cheeky glass of wine, because why not?

  • Girls just wanna have fun

    Girls just wanna have fun

    Happy Sunday!

    It actually is such a happy Sunday in my world today. I’m full of banana and blueberry waffles, which were good for the body and soul when enjoyed with a coffee this morning. The sun is shining, but it’s nowhere near as hot and sticky in the flat as it has been the last few weeks.

    I’m just home from an absolutely wonderful weekend away with some lovely girls which has left me feeling super duper refreshed and chilled.

    We went to beautiful Cambridge and spent our time eating, drinking and wandering. Honestly that’s it. We just went with the flow, enjoyed our new surroundings and hunted down the cutest coffee shops and scrummiest brunches.

    I was very nearly tempted by an oversized black denim jacket when shopping among all of the autumnal clothes that are filling the clothes rails now. I was so excited to find the rails full of cute jumpers again. BUT I’m proud of the Bronwen who found the will power to say no to the jacket, for now, and keep to her budget for the weekend instead. Now I’ve one more afternoon of freedom before Monday comes around and I’m determined to make the most of it.

    The girls I spent the weekend with have all inspired me in different ways. I’m left feeling like getting my life in order. First things first, I’m going to hoover and then I think it’s about time I sorted the wardrobes out – anyone else’s wardrobes descend into a total mess no-matter how many times you ‘Marie Kondo’ them?

  • A Fresh Perspective

    A Fresh Perspective

    The picture hasn’t really changed since I wrote my last post about taking life one scorcher of a day at a time. I’m still plodding through, trying to remember to drink water, eat well and shave my legs. And trying not to let the news get me down.

    The last few days have been better, in spite of temperatures being on the rise again. Mid-week last week, inspired by someone close to me, I resolved to come up with a new daily routine which would get me feeling more energised again.

    First step – get out for a walk every morning before the temperatures start to rise. Walk in the shade and get a proper good dose of really fresh morning air, before starting the working from home day.

    I also started a gratitude journal, which I’ve been completing every morning. Starting the day feeling grateful has actually been helping a bunch. And I know that’s not news. Influencers have been harping on about gratitude journals for literally years, but I’m not sure I believed it’d make a difference until I actually started. I found an app called ‘Presently’ which I hugely recommend. It’s simple and elegant and you can pick your own colour theme.

    Meanwhile, I’ve been speaking to people about how I’ve been feeling and it’s been a comfort to find out that many of us are feeling the exact same way! In England, we had our driest July since 1934 and the temperatures got higher than ever before. And as English people I believe we’re simply not wired to deal with being hot all of the time. We grumble about the rain, but we love it really.

    Speaking of rain lovers… Happy Birthday to my Dad! I love the smell of rain and the sound of footsteps on gravel so much because of you; because I so fondly remember us sticking our waterproofs on and following footpaths through miles of beautiful countryside when I was younger. We’ve got the love of crisp, cold winter days in common and we’ll get through this sticky summer together. And for now, I’ll just keep badgering you with random questions about insurance, cats and best before dates, because I know you wouldn’t have it any other way!

  • One scorcher of a day at a time

    One scorcher of a day at a time

    There’s absolutely no doubt it’s summer now: I’ve got an insect bite on my elbow which is so itchy I could scream, I have tan lines on my feet where my sandals should be and I’m running out of summery enough clothes to wear. As a winter girl, I’m trying to make the best of it. I am admittedly loving that our weekends are full of outdoor plans in the sunshine and I’ve not yet tired of BBQ food and Pimms.

    We’ve finally figured out how to keep the flat cool, which is a relief. We know which windows to open and close when and where to place the fan to optimise it’s impact. And just in time too, when we’re on the cusp of a heat wave.

    Is anyone else in England feeling a little anxious listening to the news at the moment, or is it just me? Between reports about the ongoing war in Ukraine, the fight over who’s going to be our next PM and the heatwave that’s going to cause road closures, power cuts, train cancellations and also sadly, lots of illness too, I feel like it’s hard to stay focused on the present.

    But in Dave and I’s little bubble life goes on. The cats are happy as ever. If anything, they (Mambo in particular) seem to be loving the sunny weather and are often choosing the hottest place in the flat to sleep in. And we are not yet over just how AMAZING the latest season of Stranger Things was. We’re hooked on Love Island, even though we said we wouldn’t get sucked in this time and I’m all excited, because I just got a new meal planner which sticks to the fridge.

    And I guess that’s all we can do really? Keep ourselves educated and grounded and do what we can, but also focus on ourselves and taking our own lives one scorching day at a time.

    Excited for a pub lunch with lovely people this afternoon and an ice cold lemonade or three. Bring it on!

  • Remember when rock was young

    Remember when rock was young

    Coming to you wearing joggers, with a massive mug of tea in hand. It has been an incredible weekend full of live music, good food and wonderful people. I’m feeling grateful but also, admittedly, a little worn out – thank goodness it’s Sunday. Today’s been everything I’ve needed. I’m thanking past Bronwen for leaving the day free of plans.

    On Friday, I had the absolute pleasure of seeing the LEGEND that is Elton John play at British Summertime Festival. Where to begin? The whole evening was magical. He’s such a talented human and there was so much love for him in that crowd of thousands. He performed an incredible line up with ease and class and he didn’t sing a single note out of tune. Never mind the fact he also hit every piano key perfectly. I have come away with so many memories to treasure and a heart full of love for him and all that he represents – especially this Pride month.

    And last night! Last night, we saw Greta Van Fleet live at Alexandra Palace. I’d never been to Ally Pally before and had no idea what to expect, but what a fantastic venue! We were in the great hall and having chosen the perfect spot off to the side, well and truly rocked the night away. If you’re reading this and you’ve never heard of Greta Van Fleet before, go check them out! They do rock like we’re in the 1970s, except the band members themselves were born 20 years on from when Led Zeppelin were taking the world by storm.

    And now I’m cream crackered. I’m full of butterflies, my shoulders hurt and my legs ache and my body is very clearly telling me to chill. Not sure I’ve even got the oompth to read my book. It’s a movie marathon and junk food kind of a Sunday and that’s okay. Not every day can be the best day ever, no matter what Instagram would have us believe.

  • An overthinker’s guide to to-doing

    An overthinker’s guide to to-doing

    I’ve said it many times and I’ll say it again, I absolutely love Sundays. Especially, on a slow morning like this one, when I’m still feeling cosy at 10am, curled up on the sofa in my PJs. 

    The life-admin to-do list keeps growing, but I had more time on my hands this week, with less travel scheduled in for work, and that helped heaps. I actually got through a fair amount of life stuff, as well as work stuff and when I looked over the list again yesterday morning, I was well chuffed. 

    It really helps me to have an ongoing to-do list on my phone. As an overthinker, I can find my mind drifting to things that need doing mid-conversation. (I imagine I must glaze over in these moments and the people that love me must just carry on chatting away, waiting for me to return to the present.) But having a list on my phone, allows me to let go of the mental list. Providing I remember to check the list whenever I have a spare moment, I feel more confident that things won’t be forgotten and less obsessed with keeping them front of mind. 

    A life admin to-do list can feel endless though and it’s easy to let the constant cycle of to-doing drive you crazy. I’ve been there – feeling burned out and exasperated because just one day off from washing up feels like a mahoosive failure. It’s not. We face enough deadlines at work, without putting pressure on ourselves in our personal life too. A wise person recently taught me about wants and shoulds and about the importance of balance. We have to make sure that we’re doing just as many things we want to do as things we feel like we should. Because if we keep up the balance, we’re more likely to tackle the things that need doing consistently.

    Off to tackle the next few bits and pieces on my to-do list now. Right after I’ve made just one more cup of tea.  

  • Travelling With Butterflies: Navigating Anxiety Whilst Abroad

    Travelling With Butterflies: Navigating Anxiety Whilst Abroad

    Back on home turf and reflecting on an incredible weekend away in Italy spent sticking a middle finger up at all of the anxious thoughts that told me I couldn’t enjoy it.

    Travelling feels daunting to most of us regardless of our mental wellness. I think it’s natural. As someone who struggles with anxiety a lot, it can be even more scary.

    In advance, I worried about whether things would be awkward between me and the friend I was travelling with. I worried about running out of money or whether the trip would be worth the money I’d already spent. I felt super nervous about not being able to fluently speak the language and about being so far from home. I worried about having an anxiety attack and not being able to get to somewhere where I’d feel safe.

    And that was all no doubt exasperated by the fact it’s been ages since I left the UK. Many of us have spent more time at home during the pandemic than ever before and if you’re anything like me, you’ve gotten used to living in your comfort zone.

    As an overthinker, I get a foggy head in high anxiety situations. And this happens more frequently in unknown territory.

    For the first few days of the holiday, I valued time in my hotel room to recharge and I found it hard to ground myself whilst out and about exploring. That first day of travelling was the most stressful. I felt hot and tense and flustered for most of it. When I landed in Verona, just getting the bus into the town centre was nearly too much. The bus conductor got stroppy with me when I approached him for a ticket, having not noticed the ticket machine at the bus stop and that alone had me wanting to board a flight straight back to rainy London.

    I knew I was getting there when I started to notice the little things. There was a moment at the end of a long day in Venice when I looked up from where I was sat, waiting for a water taxi, took a deep breath and just took in the view.

    From there on in, it was like the butterflies decided they needed a rest from flapping. Almost as though they’d worked double time for the first half of the holiday and couldn’t keep it up any longer. And so, I can genuinely say I relaxed for the last few days.

    I wish I could say exactly what I did to get through the anxiety and out the other side. I guess the main thing I’d advise you to do is be patient with yourself. I’m glad I didn’t beat myself up when I found the first few days tough. I didn’t overthink or stress when I couldn’t finish my dinner or found myself lingering in my hotel room for longer than planned. And in the end, the gentle approach got me through.

    And I’m so proud. Proud of finding the courage to travel again even when it felt daunting and excited for all of the travels still to come. There’s hope for all of us anxious folk yet. I promise!

  • Post-birthday reflections: 28 years older and wiser-ish

    Post-birthday reflections: 28 years older and wiser-ish

    Curled up on the sofa wondering how it’s been a whole week since my birthday already.

    My anxiety didn’t impact negatively on the day at all. In fact, it was absolutely lovely. And of course it was. I woke up to cat cuddles and then spent the day surrounded by family, including Dave’s parents’ new puppy, Ollie. I couldn’t have asked for a lovelier day.

    And now here I am. I’m feelin’ 28!

    Now might be as good a time as any to bring you up to speed. Since Chapter Five ended, Dave and I have moved home again. We spent a fab 18 months living with our housemate, Tom, but when December 2020 came around and we’d been through the pandemic and out the other side, we felt like it was time to be just us again. We moved to Welwyn Garden City, where we think we may just buy a house in future, if we ever have the funds to get on the ladder. Unless circumstances change and we’re able to move back to our home town, which would be the dream.

    We’ve got cats now – their names are Willow and Mambo, they’re sisters and they are the absolute cutest.

    I’m still the same tea-loving, bookworm I was when this blog started. A cosy evening in is still my favourite thing, but I still love a good boogie with a cocktail in hand from time to time.

    Right now I’m fighting the urge to spend the next hour or so planning the next week out and instead, I’m trying to remember to pause and enjoy the lazy Sunday evening we’ve got planned. I’ve just started reading ‘Grown-ups’ by Marian Keyes and hope that will keep me occupied enough to keep my mind off the Monday fear. We’ve got a ‘fakeaway’ at the ready in the form of microwave curries and all the trimmings.

    Just three hectic working days this week until the bank holiday weekend! And I won’t be typing away Pimms in hand from a Jubilee themed street party this time next week. This time next week, I’ll be in sunny Italy! So watch this space for holiday snaps from Padua, Turin, Verona and Venice. How exciting!

  • Birthday Butterflies

    Birthday Butterflies

    I’m 28 tomorrow. I’d fully intended to draft an inspiring and upbeat birthday post to publish in celebration. I LOVE my birthday and I couldn’t wait to write about how far I’ve come since I was 18 and about my hopes and dreams for the years ahead. 

    Instead, I’ve hit a mental health blip. And I considered not writing – who wants to hear from a miserable, anxious Bronwen on the day before her birthday? Especially when I’ve literally just published a post telling you all how I’m a new more positive Bronwen nowadays. How can I call a chapter ‘Joyfully Overthinking’ only to write not-so joyfully a week later? But can I really call myself a personal blogger without blogging when it’s hard to? 

    It started yesterday. And the more I live life as a worrier, the more I realise it truly is hormonal. Mental health couldn’t be more physical. It’s like a switch flicked in my brain and life got harder almost immediately. I went from being nothing but excited about my birthday, to feeling like I wanted to call it off.

    I’ve been worrying about all of the little things – even more so than usual. Working yesterday was an uphill struggle. When I looked at the pile of laundry in our bedroom this morning I wanted to cry. In fact, just going out for dinner to celebrate my birthday eve tonight felt like too much a couple of hours ago. Let alone seeing family tomorrow.

    Except, even as I write this I’m getting there. It could be that for the last couple of hours I had my head in the final chapters of an amazing book. It could be that just writing is helping, as it always does.

    It could be that these things always pass. 

    It’s so hard to remember when you’re in the midst of it. Mental health swings are temporary. Anxiety comes in waves, it really does. And here’s hoping this wave is passing, because that roast dinner that is coming my way tomorrow will not taste anywhere near as good with a tummy full of butterflies. Bring it on 28 – Butterfly blips and all.

  • Overthinking is my superpower

    Overthinking is my superpower

    A wise person recently told me that I need to learn to love and embrace my butterflies. To feel the butterflies and decide to gratefully accept the reminder that I’m feeling anxious and gently look after myself, instead of trying to bat them away at the first sign of trouble. And I’m getting there.

    This blog was created by a Bronwen who I still feel so proud of, but who still had so much to learn. In the beginning, to me, Blogging Goodbye to Butterflies meant writing about my worries until the butterflies buggered off and left me well and truly alone. Now, I think it’s more about acknowledging I’m feeling anxious, taking a deep breath and writing, because writing helps me to feel calmer and more grounded. It’s a gentler, less resentful approach to the whole butterfly invasion. It’s like ‘hi little butterflies, thanks for reminding me to take time for myself. I’ll do that right now and I’ll see you again soon’

    I’m less resentful of the fact I’m an overthinker nowadays. In fact, I think overthinking might just be my superpower. You can bet in every situation I’ve thought over every possible outcome and am prepared for anything. I’m super open about how I’m feeling because the way I cope with overthinking my relationships is simply to pour my heart out to anyone involved and ask them if I’m going crazy. AND I’ve gotten proper good at reading a room – you can bet I’ve considered how every single person might be feeling and what they think of my outfit before anyone else has even made themselves comfortable. 

    It’s been a long time since Chapter Five. If you’re new here, hi. If you’re part of the old crowd, thanks for waiting. This time around I want to write about living with anxiety, not trying to overcome it. Welcome to a chapter titled ‘Joyfully Overthinking’ – written by me as the person I am now, still full of butterflies, but a little less resentful of them. Or trying to be.

  • Christmas during a global pandemic: This is not easy

    Christmas during a global pandemic: This is not easy

    Christmas in the UK is not going to be as planned and whether you’re directly affected by the changes announced yesterday or not, the news we’re now hearing is not easy to receive.

    At the end of a year when we’re all feeling lonely, tired and mentally exhausted and many of us heartbroken after the loss of loved ones or fearful for loved ones who are unwell, we’ve just been told things are worse than ever out there. We’re being told to stay home as much as possible and we’re being told that, at a time when we would usually be seeing as many family members and friends as humanely possible, we should be seeing very few, in some cases none at all.

    So, I don’t know who needs to hear it, but this is not easy. Cut yourself some slack.

    Firstly, today put ‘watch upbeat, cheerful film’ on your to-do list. Writing a to-do list is a very helpful way of taking control back and of giving yourself something to work towards, something you can pat yourself on the back for having achieved at the end of the day. Today, try and put stuff on the to-do list that you actually want to do. Add ‘read a book’ to your to-do list so that you can reward yourself for just having done that. On days like today, anything you choose to do other than sitting staring at the wall is an achievement – It’s not easy to do the things you enjoy when you’re feeling blue.

    Get outside today. Whether you want to or not, once you’re out and about you’ll feel so much better. Remember that you are not trapped in your home. You are allowed to walk about, run about, exercise outside as much as you want to and being outside is so good for your mental health. Take advantage of the freedom you do have.

    Reach out to loved ones and friends today. Let them know you’re there (to all my family and friends reading, please please pick up the phone if you need). Also go to family members and friends today, even if you don’t feel like talking. A phone call can solve a multitude of things, even if you go into a conversation not exactly sure what you want or need to get out of it. I know from experience that rambling onto a willing person over the phone can allow you to let go of emotions you weren’t even sure how to process by yourself.

    All of that said, if you feel like doing nothing at all do that instead and do not feel guilty for it either. Watch a film, don’t watch a film. Read a book, don’t read a book. Get outside, don’t get outside. Do whatever you need to today to make yourself feel better. This is far from easy, but you’re not alone.

    116 123 Samaritans

    03444 775 774 Anxiety UK

    0808 200 0247 Refuge

    0300 123 3393 Mind

  • COVID-19: The New Normal

    COVID-19: The New Normal

    When this all began, there was so much talk about the strain on all of us. Everyone was talking about how we had to accept that our mental health might take a dip and a dive and that it was okay to feel anxious or down. No-one expected too much and we all filled our lives in any way we could. We took each day as it came.

    Some people took to arts and crafts, baking or exercise. Others took up online courses and extra projects. Some just caught up on much needed sleep.

    Now, life’s gradually returning to a new kind of normal and if you’re anything like me, you’re suddenly convinced you should somehow feel normal again yourself. Like it’s a switch we can flick on when life gets challenging and off again when things get better.

    Here’s the thing – I still feel sad and tired, all the time. I’m missing my life before Covid-19, but I’m struggling to accept how far off a return to that exact way of life really is. I feel like stubborn teenager, sticking my heels in and adamantly waiting until things go precisely my way. I don’t want to settle for half-normal.

    I’m looking at pictures of friends filling their diaries up with plans and getting out and about. I’m watching people at work throw themselves into planning for the next few months at home (because this working from home thing seems like it’s here to stay). I’m seeing people embrace the gradual relaxing of the rules and head back to beaches and shops. And I’m doing the most unhealthy thing I could do:

    I’m directly comparing how I’m doing to how everyone else seems to be doing. I’m convincing myself that everyone else is fine and that I should be too. I feel like I should be full steam ahead back into work and socialising and my old routine and everything else that comes with it. It’s like I’ve decided Covid-19 isn’t a justifiable reason to feel ‘not quite right’ anymore.

    Soon, I’ll probably find I do start making plans and accepting the new normal. I’ll ease into it over the next few weeks and before long, I’m sure I’ll start to feel myself embrace the way things have to be. But there’s no pressure or rush to do so – It’s only me putting that pressure on me. Which is no-doubt just making me more tired than I already am.

    So, for anyone else who needs to hear it: It’s okay, to still not be okay. We’re still living through a global pandemic. And if anything, this strange return to a new kind of normal is likely to be the most mentally challenging part of the whole thing. Don’t put any additional pressure on yourself!

    Breathe, cut yourself some slack and still feel free to take each day as it comes. You’ve got this.

  • The COVID-19 pandemic continues: Is it just me?

    The COVID-19 pandemic continues: Is it just me?

    Or have things just got that little bit harder?

    Honestly? I caught myself thinking really negatively when looking at myself in the mirror this morning and it was that which turned my thoughts to the idea of blogging again. I have seen a few social media posts dedicated to positive body image, but the majority of stuff I’m seeing online suggests that whilst in lockdown, I should be running and doing yoga and that my tummy should look better than ever right now.

    In fact, my tummy is growing, because of all the time spent indoors. I don’t think I’m eating particularly unhealthily, but I’m definitely not getting as much exercise as I usually would.  My skin is clearer, because I’m not wearing makeup and I’ve caught a bit of a tan from time spent out in the sunshine, but all I can see when I look in the mirror is my chunkier waist line and the rolls under my, now tighter, jeans.

    I refuse to feel sucky about it anymore and I hope if you’re reading this and empathising then you can start being a little less hard on yourself from here on in too. Yes, I really do want to try doing some yoga with Adrienne and some virtual workouts, but the truth of the matter is that, right now just getting to the supermarket feels like a challenge.

    (I told myself that I’d get our essential grocery shop done today, but not only do I feel terrified at the thought of facing the outside world, but my car won’t start either.)

    As well as working out, there are lots of things I need to do that I know for a fact would make me feel better: The bathroom needs a clean again, we have piles of clean clothes to put away, the whole house needs a good hoover. But I simply can’t seem to kick myself into action.

    On top of feeling bad about that, I wake up every morning in a panic about who I need to check in with. I realised this morning that I haven’t spoken to my brother or sister in ages now and that it is one of my best friend’s birthdays today, but that I haven’t spoken to him since this all started. I am so ridiculously grateful for all of my wonderful family and friends, but I’m finding it hard, because I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I’ve checked in with everyone enough.

    And then on top of all of that, I feel super guilty for feeling so down and being so lazy when I think of all of the brave key workers out there facing this whole situation head on, many of them separated from family and friends, without time to even consider yoga or hoovering.

    Writing my last post was so rewarding and I’m glad I decided to write again. This post has helped in a different kind of way. Here’s hoping someone in the same boat feels better for reading it too. Somehow writing it all out like that has left me finally feeling like today is doable.

    I’ll ask Dave to take me to the shop, but I still want to do it myself because conquering that fear can only be a good thing. And I’ll stop with the negativity. Hey! Maybe I’ll even put some clean clothes away.

  • Facing a global pandemic: I just don’t feel right

    Facing a global pandemic: I just don’t feel right

    This will be my third try at a blog post. I’ve been trying and failing to write over the last few weeks: I had this grand idea that I’d start writing daily throughout this global pandemic. I was going to call the chapter ‘A blog a day to keep the blues at bay‘. But every time I put pen to paper (or started typing, but that doesn’t sound anywhere near as romantic does it?) I was unhappy with what came out.

    I guess I wanted to try and write truthfully about how this time is making me feel, to get it off my own chest, but also in the hope that it might help someone somewhere to read that this time’s got us all feeling a bit out of sorts. If you’re feeling odd and mentally vulnerable, you’re not alone, I promise.

    But whenever I tried writing I found myself trying too hard to cover all bases: To reiterate that I know there are people who this pandemic is affecting in worse ways than I can even imagine and that I know how lucky I am. And I am lucky. I’m so grateful for this beautiful, safe house and garden and the fact I can work from home and that my work is so fulfilling and that I have amazing family and friends…

    I just don’t feel quite myself. My shoulders are constantly tense and my jaw too. I find myself sighing all the time and every day just feels like a bit of an uphill struggle. I’m trying so hard to be positive, but I just feel a bit down in the dumps.

    All this time indoors is giving me heaps of thinking time and on top of everything else, I’m missing an old version of myself. I keep thinking that a younger, ‘funner’ Bronwen would have done better in this situation.

    But I’m always looking back and always wanting to go back to being the person I was and today the penny has finally dropped: Looking backwards isn’t doing me any good…

    When I was at university, I missed the care-free girl I left behind in Chelmsford, who loved her high school boyfriend to pieces and spent all her time singing. Nowadays, I miss University me, who wrote fun blogs and could stay up late and was more up for a good time. I bet some day, I’ll miss this me. Whoever this me is. And I’ll kick myself for all the time I spent dwelling on how a previous version of myself would have handled things.

    I can try and tell myself that I used to be care-free all I want, but really I’ve always been a worrier.

    And so I guess it’s no wonder Covid-19 has got me feeling a bit iffy. If anything, I’d expect to be less calm than I am. I’m still getting up every day, showering, brushing my teeth and getting dressed. I’m still eating plenty and getting out for walks and staying in touch with family and friends.

    Let’s cut ourselves some slack during this time. It’s so hard when we’re constantly exposed to perfect images of how everyone else is handing things, but I for one need to remember that I’m doing okay doing what I’m doing. There is no right way to deal with a worldwide pandemic, we’re all figuring this out one day at a time. AND I’m just Bronwen. Not past Bronwen, not present Bronwen, not future Bronwen, just me. Still me… Just a little older and maybe actually a little wiser too?

  • Week Fifty-Two: Reflections on a Chaotic Year and Lessons Learned for 2020

    Week Fifty-Two: Reflections on a Chaotic Year and Lessons Learned for 2020

    As after most Christmases, the arm of the chair that I am sat in is piled high with books: The new 2020 diary I got for Christmas, Fearne Cotton’s ‘Calm’, Rivers of London by Ben Aaronovitch (I’m on chapter 8 and loving every second), and a very thick pad titled ‘642 things to write about’ (which I cannot wait to start working my way through). The Christmas tree is twinkling away next to me and the TV is on. Three different cooking shows have been on in the time I’ve been curled up here and I am now very hungry for something yummy.

    Life’s been a little chaotic, very stressful and also all kinds of exciting. I am so relieved to have made it into Chrimbo Limbo.

    I could spend hours reflecting on 2019. I wish I could have been more prepared for everything the last year would throw my way. I spent a year in which I resolved to try and worry less and remember that these will be the good old days, worrying too much and carrying the weight of the world around with me. At the risk of sounding super gloomy, I was tired a lot and stressed a lot and sad a lot, even at times when I would have expected to feel most happy.

    But I’m grateful for all the great memories I have too. Paris in the winter, Soho with one of my best friends, a trip back to the 1920s for a night in Cardiff, a holiday in Kefalonia and an escape to Happy Place Festival. Performances with the band and a move into a new home. A visit to Casino Royale and many a laugh at Tim Minchin live.

    And I am looking forward to 2020. It’s strange, but I almost feel like a year full of so much worry has led to me finally feeling like I am capable of worrying less. This year, big stuff came our way and for once in my life, the majority of my anxiety was actually rational; the butterflies made sense.

    Now, I feel like I might be more determined than ever before, not to let the small stuff stress me out.

    I’m taking 2020 as it comes. I’m expecting a year much like this one, except this time I feel much better prepared. Ups and downs are a way of life and it’s like I’ve learned to surf the waves finally. Or I hope I have. Now, that’s a very Bronwen-esque metaphor if ever there was one and I guess that’s a wrap on Chapter Five. 52 weeks, one year and a whole load more life lessons learned.

    Be back soon.

  • Week Forty-Five: A self-care Sunday

    Week Forty-Five: A self-care Sunday

    Wow. Week 45!

    I don’t want to wish the rest of the year away, but I am itching to try and sum up this chapter: A jam packed year full of ups and downs, that was nothing I expected. I had a little look back through my diary the other day and could hardly believe that this is still the same year I went to Paris and celebrated my birthday dressed as Belle.

    The last few weeks have flown just as fast as the rest, being just as full with long days at work, jam sessions with the band and plans with friends and family.

    I slept for the longest I have in a long time last night. I didn’t set an alarm and I didn’t get up when Dave got up or accept his offer of tea. I rolled over and I went back to sleep and I was so unconcerned with looking at the clock that I’m not even sure what time I did get up in the end.

    We had a lovely friend stay the night yesterday so when I did get up the house felt super lively, which I loved. Dave, housemate Tom and our lovely friend were all cosied up in the lounge with cups of tea and music playing. They’d had Chinese food last night (I was out and about in Stratford with some other lovely ladies… One of which was performing in a K-pop dance show – she SMASHED it), so we had leftovers for breakfast and it was amazing. Is it just me that thinks Chinese food tastes even better reheated the next day?

    Now, I’m sat on our bed with my nails freshly painted and a face mask on. I feel so happy and content with my favourite music playing. It’s also starting to get dark outside and it feels so cosy in here as a result. I think the heating just came on for the evening too. It really is the little things in life.

    I made a terrible decision doing both face mask and nail paint at the same time because I’m now stuck with a red face until this polish decides to dry. I also need to get the laundry out of the machine and my tummy is rumbling… oops. For once, I couldn’t really care less though. I’m quite happy waiting, although I am looking forward to getting some jam on toast once the face mask is off.

    When I realised I had no plans today, I told myself it’d be a day to look after myself. It’s done me so much good and it’s been a massive reminder that I should do this more often.

    I’ve been in my head a lot recently – my thoughts have felt so loud and they’ve been pretty negative. BUT that negativity seems to have done a runner today. Clearly all I needed to scare off the negative thoughts was a sunny Sunday morning, a lie in and some me time. I don’t know why I didn’t devote some time to this sooner.

    If you’ve no plans this evening, take some time to pamper yourself. Whether you fancy it or not, you’ll feel so much better for it. And just in time for another working week. Sundays should be made for this. As well as roast dinners… of course!

  • Week Forty-One: Finding gratitude in the face of sadness

    Week Forty-One: Finding gratitude in the face of sadness

    This one’s for my Mum and her sisters, my aunties. I love you all so much.

    The theme of 2019 has definitely been ups and downs. I’ve had months full of happy memories and others that have been a huge struggle. Whether it’s been my mental health getting me down or things going on at home, it’s been really quite tough at times. I don’t want to write a super gloomy post, but it’s felt like every time I was picking myself up again, something else has come along and knocked me down.

    The above dedication goes out to my Mum and my aunties at a hard time for all of us. My Mum is going to be away from home for a long time and she probably won’t be home for Christmas and for me personally, worries about her and her sister and heart ache over missing her already have me feeling like the uphill climb that’s been 2019 just got steeper. She’s going to be living up in Scotland, caring for her sister who has cancer. So, this week, I’m reminded that life’s too short and we should be grateful for every little thing we can be.

    Is it just me or, in this crazy adult life, isn’t a Saturday with no plans the best thing ever? I’m grateful for this moment right now. Sat with a cuppa, in our cosy living room, typing away to a blog I love to type away to. Dave’s stuck on a record by Greta Van Fleet and I didn’t expect to like it as much as I am. (It’s actually pretty awesome.) I’ve got Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows sat next to me on the coffee table and a hot water bottle to cuddle. I’ve got candles lit and I’m wearing the cutest socks (which a group of my loveliest friends bought for me for one of my birthdays).

    It’s been a mad few weeks. Between long days at work, band practice, the stuff going on with my family and the social stuff too, I’ve not done as much nothing as I’m doing today in a while.

    It’s not all doom and gloom: To give you some of the highlights, since I last wrote:

    Dave and I went to our nearest zoo from the new house. It’s ZSL Whipsnade and I highly recommend a visit. It turns out it’s the biggest zoo in the UK. We walked over 7 miles just wondering around and it’s great because there isn’t really any set route or paths to take. You just kinda get through the entrance and go on your own adventure. With regular pit stops for coffee and food between amazing animals, it makes for a great day. You feel like you’ve properly escaped. The animals’ enclosures are huge too and although this means you don’t necessarily get to see them all, it’s good to see that they’ve got so much space to roam. The zoo is properly focused on conservation and not just on guest satisfaction.

    Dave and I also went to see Rodrigo Y Gabriella play at The Hammersmith Apollo. They were AMAZING. Such good performers and musicians and eeek. I’m a big fan!

    The band had our second gig which was at a lovely pub in Camden called The Golden Lion. I was still so ridiculously nervous and I was full of cold, but it was still great fun and I think we sounded good! We got paid in roast dinner too, which is the best thing ever.

    I drove up to Sheffield with my little sister to meet two of the members of one of her favourite metal bands. I’m still not convinced I’ll ever like their music, but they were really great guys and they made such a huge effort for their fans that day and it was actually a lot of fun to road trip up there together. We went to a really cool bar and I had the most amazing street food I’ve ever had.

    I also met a lovely friend in Cheltenham for the day a couple of weeks back. We started with breakfast, had a stroll around the shops, saw the famous mechanical clock blow bubbles, wandered down through the parks and the older, prettier part of town and went to Cosy Club for a very yummy dinner. It was the bestest day.

    I’m sure there’s other stuff I’ve forgotten too!

    In summary, my heart goes out to my family, life is precious and not to be taken for granted no matter how busy and stressful it might feel at times and I’m so grateful for all the happy memories I continue to make and for today: A day of calm among the chaos.

  • Week Thirty-Six: Settling Into Our New Home

    Week Thirty-Six: Settling Into Our New Home

    The house move has gone surprisingly smoothly for me. Especially considering my inability to accept change, close attachment to places and things and general emotional-ness.

    I was super emotional when we eventually said goodbye to the flat, but in my defence, it had been one of those weeks anyway and I was due a good cry. Also, it was so strange seeing the flat all naked and empty and knowing it wasn’t ours anymore.

    I think what’s made the move so much easier is that our new place literally ticks all the boxes. Life’s so much easier with a washing line and a designated cupboard for bedding and towels and under bed storage and a station nearby. And the house felt so homey so quickly too! The owner has decorated it so brightly and it was funished with a few bits and pieces before we even got all of our stuff in.

    And my goodness do we have a lot of stuff! How two people can own so many things and have kept them in a 1 bed flat for so long I do not know. It’s also not until you try and pack your life into boxes you realise how fragile literally everything is! From kitchenware to ornaments and frames, I felt like I was drowning in a sea of bubble wrap!

    September 1st came around and the new house was sorted and the next few gigs with the band were confirmed and that autumn chill appeared from nowhere. Then, I got my boots out and I saw that Primark have their Disney Christmas tinsel out already and suddenly, I felt so much brighter again.

    Autumn is hands-down the best time of year. I can’t wait for the first trees to go orange and brown and the first crisp frosty morning and the first time I get all wrapped up in a snug coat and scarf and the first hot chocolate on a chilly evening! I know September might have a few summery days left in it yet, but I live for this time of year and I’m so excited!

  • Week Thirty: Back from Kefalonia and Preparing to Move Home

    Week Thirty: Back from Kefalonia and Preparing to Move Home

    In just a few weeks time now, we’ll be moving out of this little flat and moving into a new home. This little place we’ve called home for two and a half years, will soon be someone else’s home and we’ll be settling ourselves into a new one. I’m a little emotional about it already, can you tell?

    That said, when I remember just how hard the move to this little flat really was for me, I feel as though I’ve come a long way. Chapter Three was one of the most open and honest chapters I ever wrote and it was written at a time when this place felt too new and strange and unfamiliar to be called home. Now, I’m as emotional as I am because this place really is ours.

    This makes me feel all kinds of soppy and gives me hope that this time, this move, I might just be okay.

    Today I’ve another jam session with the band! The novelty is never going to wear off… I am never going to be able to say that without ruining all of the coolness by squealing! I’ve got a horrid cold, so who knows how I’m going to sound, but I’m still rocking up. I feel like, worst case scenario, I can sit in the corner and munch while the rest of the guys write and play. I’ll just watch in awe and contribute when I can.

    This week will be my first full week back at work after my holiday and I’m actually quite looking forward to it. As per, I’m really excited about the return to routine and all things normal.

    The holiday was FANTASTIC though. I cannot recommend Kefalonia enough. The people are lovely. The food is AMAZINGGGG. The itself island is so beautiful: The towns of Fiscardo and Assos which weren’t touched by the 1953 earthquake and the cities of Sami and Argostoli which had to be rebuilt. The coast is stunning and the sea is stunning. So much so that I went for a swim! Yes, the Bronwen who is terrified of the sea and anything to do with it, wondered off the beach and right into it like it was as easy as pie! The sea looked like a swimming pool it was so clear! Who could be afraid of that!? Once was enough though, second time around my mind wandered too often to whose habitat I was in and whether I was welcome…

    We stayed in Skala and I’d definitely recommend Skala too. It’s small enough that you get your bearings fast, but there are plenty of restaurants and bars and shops to grab your souvenirs in. It feels very safe and super chilled, but lively in the evenings. It’s basically the best of all worlds. We loved it.

  • Week Twenty-Eight: Overcoming Anxiety and Facing More Life Changes

    Week Twenty-Eight: Overcoming Anxiety and Facing More Life Changes

    WHERE IS THE YEAR GOING!?

    I knew 2019 was going to be a big’un. I never could have prepared myself for how much of an uphill climb the first half of it would be. People in my life are having a really hard time of it and without meaning to make this all about me, I’ve felt the impact in so many ways.

    And so, I said there was to be no stressing when my birthday party came around and yet, but it turns out maybe I was right to worry…

    I don’t want any of the amazing people who came to be disappointed or sad. I certainly don’t want my parents’ to feel like all their efforts were wasted. It was an AMAZING night!

    But honestly? I spent the whole thing feeling very anxious and went to bed crying at 1am because I was so frustrated that I hadn’t been able to enjoy it. And then I kinda descended into a butterfly filled hole of anxiety from there. Triggered by the feeling and exasperated by the need for it to have been perfect, knowing there was nothing I could do except move onwards.

    Now, here I am in July and my anxiety feels like it’s finally under control again. It feels like everything is coming together, but a lot’s going to change over the next couple of months so I’m proceeding with caution.

    I remember New Year’s Eve 2011 very clearly. 2012 was going to be the year everything changed and I knew I wasn’t going to like it one bit. I went to bed early and when it got to midnight I cried.

    And I was right; I didn’t enjoy the changes at all. Going off to university turned my whole world upside down. If I had known back then, that life would always be full of change and that I was just going to have to get used to it, I’m not sure what I would have done. Decided this life wasn’t for me and I was going to live under my duvet for the rest of it? Probably.

    I know that I’ve come a long way since then, especially when it comes to my mental health and my anxiety. I am prepared for the fact that the next couple of months may throw me off a little, but I’m also super excited about everything.

    I suppose I should fill you in. Where to start?

    Today I have a jam session with my new band. YEP, MY NEW BAND. As many of you know, I lost confidence in my singing voice since studying music at university. Being part of that music department made me feel like a very small fish in an extremely big pond and I never really shook that feeling. And, if you’ve been keeping up, you’ll know that I’ve repeatedly pledged to make more time for music in my life this year.

    Well, I work with this great guy who, over the last couple of months, has gone and given me my music mojo back. He didn’t really give me a choice in the matter. He rocked up at my desk one day and told me about this new collective of musicians he was pulling together. He said it was Jazz, but not Jazz. And kinda classically influenced, but not really either. He said he thought I might fit right in and before I knew it I was at the studio with him. It took me over half an hour to sing my first note.

    Now, I’m away! We’ve had our first gig and, although I was super nervous, I managed to successfully sing every note and, although I might not have sung as well as I know I can, I was so proud and happy when we finished. Mostly proud to be working with such a talented set of musicians. The guy from work’s a ridiculously talented drummer. We’re playing with an AMAZING classical guitarist and FANTASTIC saxophonist and I’m so excited. Can you tell?

    That aside, we’re also moving home! (Providing our references all go through fine and they decide they think we’ll be able to pay the rent each month.) We’re moving in with a friend, into a much bigger home in a lovely village with loads of pubs and a big common and it’s going to be so lovely. And best of all… I can walk to the train station… waheyyyy. No more sitting in traffic every morning!!

    Anddd finally, I passed my big qualification at work and now I’m officially qualified to do what I want to do. The world is now my oyster on the career front and I’m really excited to see where work life takes me from here… That’s if I’m not too busy touring with the new band of course.

    Life’s more challenging than ever before. Particularly for someone with anxiety as stubborn as mine. But I’m making sure to take deep breaths when I can and I’m taking moments here and there to make sure I’m doing okay. I am doing okay. And next week I’m off on holiday. What better way to look after one’s mental health than to spend a week in the sun, with a good book (Miles Davis’ autobiography being my current book of choice… I’m only 3 chapters in, but I am loving it!) and an amazing friend? Eeeeek!

  • Week Twenty: Celebrating Friendship and Turning 25

    Week Twenty: Celebrating Friendship and Turning 25

    It’s late in the day for a blog post, I know. As the weekend comes to an end, I’m feeling particularly melancholy and blogging always makes me feel chirpier, so here we are.

    It feels like Sunday evening came around very quickly. It feels like only a few minutes ago, I was rolling out of bed (post- eurovision lie in was a necessity) and getting to work spring cleaning with Dave. The flat needed a good tidy and we rewarded ourselves with a lovely lunch out, so it’s been a good day all in all. I just can’t believe it’s nearly over.

    I suppose, there’s still time. Time to get a real wriggle on with the studying. Time to chill and have dinner. Time to curl up with a movie and probably fall asleep in the middle of it.

    Week twenty was a great week, if only because we were back to routine and that’s always a bit of a relief after a hectic few weeks in a row. That and the fact that the weather has been so beautiful!

    This week I felt a little more on top of everything on the work front. Bank holidays are great, but I’d only just really caught up at work after Easter and then May came around and threw me off track again.  I needed this full five day week to get back on track. I had a very productive and equally lovely working from home day: I spent it working out on the balcony and cooked turkey dinosaurs at lunch time.

    In other news, I started reading Adam Kay’s ‘This is Going to Hurt‘ this week and I’m flying through it! I’ve a feeling it’s going to be a full 5 stars from me! The book is hilarious, but also eye-opening. Reading it is so enjoyable, but at the same time so frustrating. Basically, ‘This is Going to Hurt‘ contains lots of Adam Kay’s diary entries from when he was a junior doctor. He helpfully translates the medical language and he’s brutally honest. It’s terrifying actually, to hear about the challenges our NHS staff face every day and the lengths they are pushed to. When reading it on the tubes, I felt like getting everyone’s attention and reading extracts out loud to the carriage just to raise more awareness.

    Friday night was spent at Las Iguanas with my best friend, numerous cocktails and tapas. She brought me the loveliest necklace for my birthday (which happens to be on Wednesday… And I’m going to be 25… EEK!) and we had a wonderful time catching up on life.

    Yesterday, I drove to Salisbury to see another good friend. Escaping London was the absolute bestest. It took me ages to get past Heathrow and out the other side, but once I was away from the motorways and off onto the A roads in Wiltshire, I immediately felt happier. I whizzed down the roads, fields for miles on either side of me, until I reached her lovely flat. I was so happy to see her: It’d been way too long! We got a really yummy lunch in town and then did some shopping. I’m relieved to say that I successfully purchased my costume for my birthday party next week…

    I can’t quite believe I’m going to be 25! I feel like this is it. This is the best age to be. I’d quite happily pause here for a bit. Determined to celebrate this year. For a few years in a row, I’ve not really made a thing of my birthday. I’m a stressy host anyway and getting everyone together always feels like a huge ordeal. A huge ordeal, that I will have undertaken by the time next Sunday comes around! I’m hosting a fancy dress party this year. Everyone’s coming as something beginning with ‘B’ and so far, I’m more excited than nervous. I just hope everyone has a great time and I can get my 26th year off to a strong start. Absolutely no stressing about hosting allowed. See you on the other side!