Blogging Goodbye to Butterflies

Chapter Six

My Late Twenties

Chapter Six was written after a whole lot of personal growth. I’d lived through a particularly tough few years, been to therapy and finally begun to look after my mental health and well being.

In this chapter’s posts, I’m open to self-discovery and to learning as I go and for the first time, I’m willing to take the time to understand my anxiety and all that comes with it…

  • Overthinking is my superpower

    Overthinking is my superpower

    A wise person recently told me that I need to learn to love and embrace my butterflies. To feel the butterflies and decide to gratefully accept the reminder that I’m feeling anxious and gently look after myself, instead of trying to bat them away at the first sign of trouble. And I’m getting there.

    This blog was created by a Bronwen who I still feel so proud of, but who still had so much to learn. In the beginning, to me, Blogging Goodbye to Butterflies meant writing about my worries until the butterflies buggered off and left me well and truly alone. Now, I think it’s more about acknowledging I’m feeling anxious, taking a deep breath and writing, because writing helps me to feel calmer and more grounded. It’s a gentler, less resentful approach to the whole butterfly invasion. It’s like ‘hi little butterflies, thanks for reminding me to take time for myself. I’ll do that right now and I’ll see you again soon’

    I’m less resentful of the fact I’m an overthinker nowadays. In fact, I think overthinking might just be my superpower. You can bet in every situation I’ve thought over every possible outcome and am prepared for anything. I’m super open about how I’m feeling because the way I cope with overthinking my relationships is simply to pour my heart out to anyone involved and ask them if I’m going crazy. AND I’ve gotten proper good at reading a room – you can bet I’ve considered how every single person might be feeling and what they think of my outfit before anyone else has even made themselves comfortable. 

    It’s been a long time since Chapter Five. If you’re new here, hi. If you’re part of the old crowd, thanks for waiting. This time around I want to write about living with anxiety, not trying to overcome it. Welcome to a chapter titled ‘Joyfully Overthinking’ – written by me as the person I am now, still full of butterflies, but a little less resentful of them. Or trying to be.

  • Birthday Butterflies

    Birthday Butterflies

    I’m 28 tomorrow. I’d fully intended to draft an inspiring and upbeat birthday post to publish in celebration. I LOVE my birthday and I couldn’t wait to write about how far I’ve come since I was 18 and about my hopes and dreams for the years ahead. 

    Instead, I’ve hit a mental health blip. And I considered not writing – who wants to hear from a miserable, anxious Bronwen on the day before her birthday? Especially when I’ve literally just published a post telling you all how I’m a new more positive Bronwen nowadays. How can I call a chapter ‘Joyfully Overthinking’ only to write not-so joyfully a week later? But can I really call myself a personal blogger without blogging when it’s hard to? 

    It started yesterday. And the more I live life as a worrier, the more I realise it truly is hormonal. Mental health couldn’t be more physical. It’s like a switch flicked in my brain and life got harder almost immediately. I went from being nothing but excited about my birthday, to feeling like I wanted to call it off.

    I’ve been worrying about all of the little things – even more so than usual. Working yesterday was an uphill struggle. When I looked at the pile of laundry in our bedroom this morning I wanted to cry. In fact, just going out for dinner to celebrate my birthday eve tonight felt like too much a couple of hours ago. Let alone seeing family tomorrow.

    Except, even as I write this I’m getting there. It could be that for the last couple of hours I had my head in the final chapters of an amazing book. It could be that just writing is helping, as it always does.

    It could be that these things always pass. 

    It’s so hard to remember when you’re in the midst of it. Mental health swings are temporary. Anxiety comes in waves, it really does. And here’s hoping this wave is passing, because that roast dinner that is coming my way tomorrow will not taste anywhere near as good with a tummy full of butterflies. Bring it on 28 – Butterfly blips and all.

  • Post-birthday reflections: 28 years older and wiser-ish

    Post-birthday reflections: 28 years older and wiser-ish

    Curled up on the sofa wondering how it’s been a whole week since my birthday already.

    My anxiety didn’t impact negatively on the day at all. In fact, it was absolutely lovely. And of course it was. I woke up to cat cuddles and then spent the day surrounded by family, including Dave’s parents’ new puppy, Ollie. I couldn’t have asked for a lovelier day.

    And now here I am. I’m feelin’ 28!

    Now might be as good a time as any to bring you up to speed. Since Chapter Five ended, Dave and I have moved home again. We spent a fab 18 months living with our housemate, Tom, but when December 2020 came around and we’d been through the pandemic and out the other side, we felt like it was time to be just us again. We moved to Welwyn Garden City, where we think we may just buy a house in future, if we ever have the funds to get on the ladder. Unless circumstances change and we’re able to move back to our home town, which would be the dream.

    We’ve got cats now – their names are Willow and Mambo, they’re sisters and they are the absolute cutest.

    I’m still the same tea-loving, bookworm I was when this blog started. A cosy evening in is still my favourite thing, but I still love a good boogie with a cocktail in hand from time to time.

    Right now I’m fighting the urge to spend the next hour or so planning the next week out and instead, I’m trying to remember to pause and enjoy the lazy Sunday evening we’ve got planned. I’ve just started reading ‘Grown-ups’ by Marian Keyes and hope that will keep me occupied enough to keep my mind off the Monday fear. We’ve got a ‘fakeaway’ at the ready in the form of microwave curries and all the trimmings.

    Just three hectic working days this week until the bank holiday weekend! And I won’t be typing away Pimms in hand from a Jubilee themed street party this time next week. This time next week, I’ll be in sunny Italy! So watch this space for holiday snaps from Padua, Turin, Verona and Venice. How exciting!

  • Travelling With Butterflies: Navigating Anxiety Whilst Abroad

    Travelling With Butterflies: Navigating Anxiety Whilst Abroad

    Back on home turf and reflecting on an incredible weekend away in Italy spent sticking a middle finger up at all of the anxious thoughts that told me I couldn’t enjoy it.

    Travelling feels daunting to most of us regardless of our mental wellness. I think it’s natural. As someone who struggles with anxiety a lot, it can be even more scary.

    In advance, I worried about whether things would be awkward between me and the friend I was travelling with. I worried about running out of money or whether the trip would be worth the money I’d already spent. I felt super nervous about not being able to fluently speak the language and about being so far from home. I worried about having an anxiety attack and not being able to get to somewhere where I’d feel safe.

    And that was all no doubt exasperated by the fact it’s been ages since I left the UK. Many of us have spent more time at home during the pandemic than ever before and if you’re anything like me, you’ve gotten used to living in your comfort zone.

    As an overthinker, I get a foggy head in high anxiety situations. And this happens more frequently in unknown territory.

    For the first few days of the holiday, I valued time in my hotel room to recharge and I found it hard to ground myself whilst out and about exploring. That first day of travelling was the most stressful. I felt hot and tense and flustered for most of it. When I landed in Verona, just getting the bus into the town centre was nearly too much. The bus conductor got stroppy with me when I approached him for a ticket, having not noticed the ticket machine at the bus stop and that alone had me wanting to board a flight straight back to rainy London.

    I knew I was getting there when I started to notice the little things. There was a moment at the end of a long day in Venice when I looked up from where I was sat, waiting for a water taxi, took a deep breath and just took in the view.

    From there on in, it was like the butterflies decided they needed a rest from flapping. Almost as though they’d worked double time for the first half of the holiday and couldn’t keep it up any longer. And so, I can genuinely say I relaxed for the last few days.

    I wish I could say exactly what I did to get through the anxiety and out the other side. I guess the main thing I’d advise you to do is be patient with yourself. I’m glad I didn’t beat myself up when I found the first few days tough. I didn’t overthink or stress when I couldn’t finish my dinner or found myself lingering in my hotel room for longer than planned. And in the end, the gentle approach got me through.

    And I’m so proud. Proud of finding the courage to travel again even when it felt daunting and excited for all of the travels still to come. There’s hope for all of us anxious folk yet. I promise!

  • An overthinker’s guide to to-doing

    An overthinker’s guide to to-doing

    I’ve said it many times and I’ll say it again, I absolutely love Sundays. Especially, on a slow morning like this one, when I’m still feeling cosy at 10am, curled up on the sofa in my PJs. 

    The life-admin to-do list keeps growing, but I had more time on my hands this week, with less travel scheduled in for work, and that helped heaps. I actually got through a fair amount of life stuff, as well as work stuff and when I looked over the list again yesterday morning, I was well chuffed. 

    It really helps me to have an ongoing to-do list on my phone. As an overthinker, I can find my mind drifting to things that need doing mid-conversation. (I imagine I must glaze over in these moments and the people that love me must just carry on chatting away, waiting for me to return to the present.) But having a list on my phone, allows me to let go of the mental list. Providing I remember to check the list whenever I have a spare moment, I feel more confident that things won’t be forgotten and less obsessed with keeping them front of mind. 

    A life admin to-do list can feel endless though and it’s easy to let the constant cycle of to-doing drive you crazy. I’ve been there – feeling burned out and exasperated because just one day off from washing up feels like a mahoosive failure. It’s not. We face enough deadlines at work, without putting pressure on ourselves in our personal life too. A wise person recently taught me about wants and shoulds and about the importance of balance. We have to make sure that we’re doing just as many things we want to do as things we feel like we should. Because if we keep up the balance, we’re more likely to tackle the things that need doing consistently.

    Off to tackle the next few bits and pieces on my to-do list now. Right after I’ve made just one more cup of tea.  

  • Remember when rock was young

    Remember when rock was young

    Coming to you wearing joggers, with a massive mug of tea in hand. It has been an incredible weekend full of live music, good food and wonderful people. I’m feeling grateful but also, admittedly, a little worn out – thank goodness it’s Sunday. Today’s been everything I’ve needed. I’m thanking past Bronwen for leaving the day free of plans.

    On Friday, I had the absolute pleasure of seeing the LEGEND that is Elton John play at British Summertime Festival. Where to begin? The whole evening was magical. He’s such a talented human and there was so much love for him in that crowd of thousands. He performed an incredible line up with ease and class and he didn’t sing a single note out of tune. Never mind the fact he also hit every piano key perfectly. I have come away with so many memories to treasure and a heart full of love for him and all that he represents – especially this Pride month.

    And last night! Last night, we saw Greta Van Fleet live at Alexandra Palace. I’d never been to Ally Pally before and had no idea what to expect, but what a fantastic venue! We were in the great hall and having chosen the perfect spot off to the side, well and truly rocked the night away. If you’re reading this and you’ve never heard of Greta Van Fleet before, go check them out! They do rock like we’re in the 1970s, except the band members themselves were born 20 years on from when Led Zeppelin were taking the world by storm.

    And now I’m cream crackered. I’m full of butterflies, my shoulders hurt and my legs ache and my body is very clearly telling me to chill. Not sure I’ve even got the oompth to read my book. It’s a movie marathon and junk food kind of a Sunday and that’s okay. Not every day can be the best day ever, no matter what Instagram would have us believe.

  • One scorcher of a day at a time

    One scorcher of a day at a time

    There’s absolutely no doubt it’s summer now: I’ve got an insect bite on my elbow which is so itchy I could scream, I have tan lines on my feet where my sandals should be and I’m running out of summery enough clothes to wear. As a winter girl, I’m trying to make the best of it. I am admittedly loving that our weekends are full of outdoor plans in the sunshine and I’ve not yet tired of BBQ food and Pimms.

    We’ve finally figured out how to keep the flat cool, which is a relief. We know which windows to open and close when and where to place the fan to optimise it’s impact. And just in time too, when we’re on the cusp of a heat wave.

    Is anyone else in England feeling a little anxious listening to the news at the moment, or is it just me? Between reports about the ongoing war in Ukraine, the fight over who’s going to be our next PM and the heatwave that’s going to cause road closures, power cuts, train cancellations and also sadly, lots of illness too, I feel like it’s hard to stay focused on the present.

    But in Dave and I’s little bubble life goes on. The cats are happy as ever. If anything, they (Mambo in particular) seem to be loving the sunny weather and are often choosing the hottest place in the flat to sleep in. And we are not yet over just how AMAZING the latest season of Stranger Things was. We’re hooked on Love Island, even though we said we wouldn’t get sucked in this time and I’m all excited, because I just got a new meal planner which sticks to the fridge.

    And I guess that’s all we can do really? Keep ourselves educated and grounded and do what we can, but also focus on ourselves and taking our own lives one scorching day at a time.

    Excited for a pub lunch with lovely people this afternoon and an ice cold lemonade or three. Bring it on!

  • A Fresh Perspective

    A Fresh Perspective

    The picture hasn’t really changed since I wrote my last post about taking life one scorcher of a day at a time. I’m still plodding through, trying to remember to drink water, eat well and shave my legs. And trying not to let the news get me down.

    The last few days have been better, in spite of temperatures being on the rise again. Mid-week last week, inspired by someone close to me, I resolved to come up with a new daily routine which would get me feeling more energised again.

    First step – get out for a walk every morning before the temperatures start to rise. Walk in the shade and get a proper good dose of really fresh morning air, before starting the working from home day.

    I also started a gratitude journal, which I’ve been completing every morning. Starting the day feeling grateful has actually been helping a bunch. And I know that’s not news. Influencers have been harping on about gratitude journals for literally years, but I’m not sure I believed it’d make a difference until I actually started. I found an app called ‘Presently’ which I hugely recommend. It’s simple and elegant and you can pick your own colour theme.

    Meanwhile, I’ve been speaking to people about how I’ve been feeling and it’s been a comfort to find out that many of us are feeling the exact same way! In England, we had our driest July since 1934 and the temperatures got higher than ever before. And as English people I believe we’re simply not wired to deal with being hot all of the time. We grumble about the rain, but we love it really.

    Speaking of rain lovers… Happy Birthday to my Dad! I love the smell of rain and the sound of footsteps on gravel so much because of you; because I so fondly remember us sticking our waterproofs on and following footpaths through miles of beautiful countryside when I was younger. We’ve got the love of crisp, cold winter days in common and we’ll get through this sticky summer together. And for now, I’ll just keep badgering you with random questions about insurance, cats and best before dates, because I know you wouldn’t have it any other way!

  • Girls just wanna have fun

    Girls just wanna have fun

    Happy Sunday!

    It actually is such a happy Sunday in my world today. I’m full of banana and blueberry waffles, which were good for the body and soul when enjoyed with a coffee this morning. The sun is shining, but it’s nowhere near as hot and sticky in the flat as it has been the last few weeks.

    I’m just home from an absolutely wonderful weekend away with some lovely girls which has left me feeling super duper refreshed and chilled.

    We went to beautiful Cambridge and spent our time eating, drinking and wandering. Honestly that’s it. We just went with the flow, enjoyed our new surroundings and hunted down the cutest coffee shops and scrummiest brunches.

    I was very nearly tempted by an oversized black denim jacket when shopping among all of the autumnal clothes that are filling the clothes rails now. I was so excited to find the rails full of cute jumpers again. BUT I’m proud of the Bronwen who found the will power to say no to the jacket, for now, and keep to her budget for the weekend instead. Now I’ve one more afternoon of freedom before Monday comes around and I’m determined to make the most of it.

    The girls I spent the weekend with have all inspired me in different ways. I’m left feeling like getting my life in order. First things first, I’m going to hoover and then I think it’s about time I sorted the wardrobes out – anyone else’s wardrobes descend into a total mess no-matter how many times you ‘Marie Kondo’ them?

  • Full of Pride

    Full of Pride

    Curled up on the sofa with the cutest puppy ever, watching his favourite Disney+ TV show (yes, he has a favourite).

    Happy bank holiday to everyone in the UK! And all the love in the world to anyone who’s having to work through it. You’ve got this and I hope you get some you-time soon!

    I extended my bank holiday weekend and so, without meaning to rub it in, for me the weekend started on Thursday.

    Thursday was such a good day too. I still got my morning walk in, but instead of working the rest of the day, I got to read and write and tweet and even went to see my Dad and Brother for a cuppa.

    Friday was spent road-tripping over to Wales, headed to stay with my friend Tasha from uni. Once I got there, we spent our evening in the hot tub with a glass of wine each.

    We spent the day yesterday in Cardiff joining the Pride celebrations and it filled me with so much joy. And not just because I got to be back in one of my favourite cities in the world with one of my favourite people.

    It angers and humbles me that there was a time, not very long ago, when attending a Pride Parade would mean literally putting your life in danger. Even today, there’s a risk of protests and confrontation.

    I feel very lucky that I got to enjoy all the best bits of Pride. Where I stood to watch the parade I was surrounded by happy, smiling people shouting in support and waving their flags. At the festival, we boogyed the evening away covered in glitter and rainbows. And I experienced the whole thing through literal rose-tinted, heart-shaped glasses!

    Now I’m in Essex with Dave, staying at his parents’ house while they’re away and smiling at the thought of another day off tomorrow. As we’re puppy sitting tonight, we’ve treated ourselves to a Chinese takeaway and we’re planning to scroll through Netflix until we find a good film to watch. And I might have another cheeky glass of wine, because why not?

  • All Storms Really Do Pass

    All Storms Really Do Pass

    Honestly? This week wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. On Tuesday, returning to work after the bank holiday, I had a really rubbish brain day. My head was full of fluff and anxiety and everything felt difficult. I stumbled through, but by the end of it, I had a mighty tension headache and tears in my eyes. Luckily, I have some wonderful people around me who got me through and I went to sleep full of pasta and feeling more human.

    By Friday, I was headed into London for a day at the office and the butterflies were a distant memory. And things just got better from there. Being in the office rejuvenated me and left me feeling more motivated on the work front. Seeing some lovely colleagues gave me a proper boost too. And then Friday night we saw some friends who never fail to chill me out and make me smile. I woke up yesterday morning full of beans and ready to enjoy a night away with Dave.

    I woke up this Sunday morning to the sound of rain hammering away on the wooden roof of the glamping pod we were staying in. Boiling the kettle to make a cup of tea, to sip in front of the rainy window, felt like the perfect way to welcome in Autumn.

    Now we’re home and the flat is as warm as it was in the summer, even with the blinds doing their best to keep the sun at bay and us cool. I don’t mind too much though. I’m in a comfy dress with a glass of water on the go and the memories of our cosy morning still fresh in my mind.

    And so there you have it: All storms really do pass. And if you’re feeling sucky right now, take care of yourself, reach out for support and trust the process. You’ll find the fog will clear and one day soon you’ll feel a bit more like facing whatever is in your path. And I hope at that point, some good stuff comes your way and makes you smile too.

  • Sunday Night Butterflies: Dealing With Anxiety on a Sunday

    Sunday Night Butterflies: Dealing With Anxiety on a Sunday

    Sipping peppermint tea and as ever, trying to keep the Sunday night butterflies at bay – work is manic at the minute and whilst I’m actually looking forward to this week, I can’t help feeling a little nervous too.

    I’ve spent a little while deciding whether to write today. It’s been an overwhelming, monumental and sad week in the UK and across the world and everyone is paying their respects to Queen Elizabeth II in their own way. Some by stepping back from creating content all together, because a national period of mourning has been announced. Some putting content out there as normal, but having to prepare themselves for the backlash from people who feel they shouldn’t be.

    I’m probably not nearly important enough to be worrying about whether it’s appropriate for me to write or not. I do know that for me, to not write would feel totally unnatural. I was driving when the news that the Queen had died was announced. I drove home teary-eyed, whilst the BBC broadcast reflected on the Queen’s life and welcomed the new King to the throne. I felt so sad and I still do now. But if anything, it’s at times like these I want to write more than ever. So, on I go, whilst sending my best wishes to the Queen’s family and friends and to anyone struggling with grief this weekend.

    It’s been a much needed, super lazy hazy weekend in our little world. Much needed, not just because of the sad news, but because we both had very full-on weeks anyway.

    We had the best time with family and friends over to stay on Friday night. We started Saturday with bacon and sausage sarnies and Nintendo games. And, well I’ve not really moved from the sofa much since, except to head to the shops for food.

    We’re fully embracing the return of cooler, darker evenings and enjoying being able to curl up on the sofa under blankets again. Last night we ate fajitas and watched TV until we couldn’t keep our eyes open any longer.

    Here and now, my mint tea is nearly gone, but the butterflies are still out in full force. I think perhaps it’s just going to be one of those nights. Going to try and embrace it, feel the nerves fully and keep the faith that when Monday does come around, it’ll all be okay.

    We’ve got everything we need to make a roast dinner tonight. A glass of red wine and a roast dinner, with an abundance of gravy, will have me feeling all kinds of cosy in time to settle down for the night I’m sure. It’s a good job butterflies rarely keep me from eating when I’m hungry.

    Relax jaw. Drop shoulders. Deep breath. Hit publish and get the oven on. Here goes…

  • Every day’s a school day

    Every day’s a school day

    I’ve learned three things this week.

    1. Paddington Station is hands down the most confusing station in London and it’s no wonder Paddington Bear ended up lost when he tried to navigate it alone.

    Friday night some super lovely friends and I had arranged to meet there, because we were kick-starting a night of celebrations by taking a GoBoat out on the canals. When we got there we wasted a good 15 minutes just trying to find each other, only to spend another 15 trying to find the right exit. Once we had made it out and found our boat though, we went on to have the best evening. Sitting on that boat as the sun went down, sipping my drink and chatting away made me so happy, as did the table full of food at the tapas restaurant where we spent the rest of the night.

    2. Blue nail polish is for life.

    Last night we headed to a secret location to join the Gathering of the Clans at the Guardians of the Galaxy themed secret cinema*. I’ll avoid spoilers for anyone else planning to go along this year, but our costumes needed to feature blue and be space-y and so out came my blue nail polish for the first time since one sunny day in 2016. This morning, I had an absolute mare trying to get it off. I’ve now accepted my thumb will look slightly blue for the foreseeable.

    3. Even when it doesn’t feel like it, you can say no.

    Literally nothing is more important than your mental health. When I was reminded of this earlier this week, I didn’t actually end up saying no to anything. I cracked on with things and I’m so pleased I did, but approaching those things knowing they were optional made everything easier. Life can feel overwhelming when you look ahead to days full of plans which you’re not sure you’ll have the energy for anymore. You can feel trapped in an endless cycle of obligations. Which can seem silly when those obligations are in fact fun plans which you feel like you should feel excited about. But sometimes even the fun stuff takes it out of us. Remembering that all you’ve really got to do is eat, drink water and keep your job can make things feel so much more manageable again. Focus on you first and all of the other stuff after.

    *And for the super keen readers among you, interested in my review of secret cinema’s Guardians of the Galaxy experience?

    As amazing and immersive as always, but you definitely get less for your money now than you did before it became popular. I loved it, but I just wish there’d been more to it. The entrance to the world was amazing and I was blown away by the way they’d managed to capture the Marvel universe. The performers were brilliant and were as fab as ever at engaging with the crowd. We had a great time soaking up the atmosphere BUT when we did decide we wanted to get involved there were only a few actors leading on the action and so it took us ages to find one. One of the food stands sold the best beef brisket bao buns I’ve ever had, but they cost me £10 and I still needed to stop at KFC on the way home for a proper dinner. And the bars only sold a super limited range of drinks. All in all, probably would recommend, but be aware it doesn’t come cheap.

  • For the love of autumn

    For the love of autumn

    I am doing my best to enjoy autumn in all its gloriousness.

    And it really is glorious. Especially in Welwyn Garden City, where every road is lined with trees now turning wonderful shades of yellow, orange and red. The ground is covered with fallen leaves, which I hope are providing shelter to plenty of hedgehogs. (I tread carefully through them just in case.)

    The jumper drawer is now well and truly open for business and I’m so happy to be back wearing scarves and boots. I’m still getting out for those morning walks when I can and there’s something about the air being crisp that makes them all the more rewarding.

    I made some diddy changes in the flat this week, to make it feel cosier. I found a new blanket for the sofa in B&M and a new cushion for my armchair in Tesco. Then I switched our neutral sofa cushions out for red, pink and brown ones. I moved the fruit bowl to the dining table and stuck a biscuit tin in its place on the coffee table. Because summer is for fruit salads and juices, but in my book, autumn is for hot chocolate and cookies.

    Note to self – buy more hot chocolate.

    BUT perhaps it’s also time to accept that there are things about this time of year that are tricky. It’s getting colder. The mornings are getting gradually darker. There are flus going around left, right and centre. And I think I’m going to have to allow myself some time to just be tired.

    And if you’re feeling tired lately, you should too. Because before we know it, it’ll be party season and we’ll need to be full of beans.

  • Saying Goodbye: Family time in the Scottish Highlands

    Saying Goodbye: Family time in the Scottish Highlands

    It’s been some time since my last post, it’s nearly party season and I’m still nowhere near full of beans.

    I am up early today and packed for a few days away in the BEAUTIFUL Scottish Highlands with family. We’re staying in Kinlochleven – a village that’s full of special memories for us a family. My Auntie Debra lived in a lovely little flat in the village until she died in September 2020. We’re headed up to say one final goodbye to the place she called home and hand the keys over so that someone else can go on to make magical memories there.

    We’ve got a long drive ahead of us and the next few days may be hard at times, but I’m in high spirits right now and looking forward to quality time with some of my nearest and dearest, whatever the circumstances. The last time I was in Kinlochleven, I ordered the scrummiest meat and potatoes in a local pub. And I enjoyed so many wonderful walks around Loch Leven itself. This time, I should be able to do all of those things again, but whilst also supporting my Mum and her younger sister and making time to remember and reflect.

    It’s been a shaky few weeks already. Life’s had me permanently frazzled, wandering when I’m going to fall flat on my face and mess it all up. I keep thinking I’m going to forget something important or drop the ball on something. BUT I’m here now having survived it all and somehow kept on top of things. And I’m going to get through the next few days too.

    I think the older I get, the more I’m learning that you can only be so prepared. In fact, people rarely feel fully prepared for anything. We’re all just figuring it out as we go.

  • Facing a Whole New Year One Day at a Time

    Facing a Whole New Year One Day at a Time

    Just finished washing up and my fingers are all wrinkly, as if I’ve just got out of a lovely long bath. My hair’s a total mess and I’m wearing an old jumper with pyjama bottoms, but I feel like writing for the first time in forever, so I’m smiling hugely (Hey there 2023 readers and thanks for sticking with me!).

    The lounge behind my laptop screen is a much better sight to behold. I can see both cats – Mambo’s snoozing in her radiator hammock and Willow is on her favourite sofa cushion. They look as cute as ever. I was reluctant to take the Christmas decorations down, but now that we have, I’m enjoying how fresh and clean the place looks. Whilst I’m sad Christmas is over, I can’t help feeling excited for the year ahead.

    I wasn’t feeling this optimistic a couple of weeks ago. Caught in Chrimbo Limbo, feeling icky after eating a dodgy risotto and missing out on plans with friends, I was a proper misery guts. I finished 2022 feeling tired and burned out and wondering where on Earth I was going to find the energy to face a whole new year.

    We spent a really lovely New Year’s Eve eating and drinking, playing games and watching Jools Holland and then we went to bed, sleepy and happy. But on New Year’s Day, I woke up full of anxious butterflies and with a head full of worries about the cats and the length of my to-do list.

    In the end, the return to routine did me good and before I knew it, I was back in my stride. And it didn’t take me long to come to the realisation, that I don’t need the energy to face a whole new year. All I need to do is tackle each day as it comes.

    In less than a week, Dave is flying to L.A for work and he’s not back until mid-April. And it would be so easy to spend the next three months sulking, feeling lonely and wishing the time away. But I’m resolving to focus on the present this year and I know that will help me through, as it has so many times before. I will savour time with friends and family and be thankful for the company of the cats. And I will savour time to focus on me.

    Whatever challenges you’ve got coming your way this year, remember to return to the now as often as you can and focus on the little things. And I’ll be here, hopefully back on the blogging band-wagon and trying to do the same.

  • I look like I’ve got this: Everyone has their own stuff going on

    I look like I’ve got this: Everyone has their own stuff going on

    I hit rock bottom Wednesday morning. I felt extremely alone and I missed Dave terribly. I felt like I wasn’t going to be able to go on without things going back to the way they were. I couldn’t accept the change (even if temporary). And I didn’t want to either. I wanted to be able to pick up the phone and tell him to come home and yet, I knew I couldn’t and so I felt helpless. I ended up a blubbing mess on the phone to one of my best friends, who managed to convince me I could and would go on. Then my wonderful Dad came over and before long I was making chilli and feeling like myself again.

    And then on Thursday, I felt even better and I went into the office. I did my make up even better than I normally do and I washed my hair and I wore my new mom jeans, which make me feel super confident, and I realised people would have no idea. Everyone in the office was going to see me, all put together and think ‘woah, that girl’s got it down’.

    So, I know we’re making massive strides in mental health awareness all of the time, but in the spirit of reminding you that you’re never alone, even if everyone around you looks like they’re conquering life… I’ve had nice hair, but I’ve also had a bonkers, emotional, challenging couple of weeks and I do not got this.

    I should have known I’d find the first couple of weeks without Dave around hard. I know I don’t do well with change, but I had come up with a million reasons not to worry about it. I knew I’d miss him, but I thought video chat would help take the edge off. And I told myself that day to day life wouldn’t really be that different. I’ve always worked at home on my own on the week days, while Dave headed into the office. I don’t even really mind time alone. Right now, for example, I am thoroughly enjoying me time…

    I’m curled up with a cuppa, a box of chocs and Willow, who’s sat on my lap between me and my laptop making it incredibly hard for me to type. And yet, I couldn’t possibly move her. I’ve got my favourite Disney film on in the background – top marks for anyone who can guess which one in the comments.

    But there’s only so much me time a person needs and this is way harder than I realised it would be.

    I have no doubt there are going to continue to be ups and downs, but I’m going to try to make the best of every day, just like I resolved to when 2023 first came around. And that means, reading and singing and walking and doing some yoga. And apparently I should get into some podcasts to combat the loneliness too?

  • Enjoying the now

    Enjoying the now

    My flights to L.A are booked and there are only 52 days now until I’ll be posting from a, hopefully sunny, California. So, if you’re reading this and you have any recommendations for where to find the best food in LA, let me know!

    Time is absolutely flying by and everyone keeps telling me it’ll be no time at all before Dave and I are reunited at the airport, Love Actually style. Although, me being me, you can bet I’ll trip and fall flat on my face or I’ll get lost and head to the wrong exit or I’ll mistake a total stranger for Dave from behind and embarrass myself tremendously.

    But I’m not wishing the time away. If I could click my fingers and be with Dave tomorrow, I would, but seeing as I can’t, I’m determined to carry on making the best of things between now and then.

    Now the days are getting longer in the UK, I’m getting out for some beautiful walks. Although I’m finding I have to pick my moments. Whilst walking every day was something I enjoyed when Dave was on home turf, I’m currently finding that on the wrong day a walk leaves me too alone with my thoughts.

    But I’ve discovered some amazing podcasts, thanks to recommendations from friends, and they make me feel like I’ve got company even when I’m washing up at home. Thanks to them, I spend a lot of time laughing instead of feeling lonely.

    One of my best friends recently had a beautiful, healthy baby boy and two of my best friends have hen-dos next month. One of those lovely ladies gets married in April, just before I fly.

    There’s too much to be grateful for and excited about between now and my flight, for me to wish the time away.

    The older we get the quicker the time flies hey? So, if I were to leave you with a pearl of wisdom, true Blog with Bron style, then it would be to think short-term. Know what your end goal is. Know what you’re aiming for. But focus most of all on the chunk of life in front of you. Make decisions in the present based on where you want to end up, but don’t let excitement about reaching that goal stop you enjoying the now.

  • Rain, butterflies and a chocolate covered cappuccino

    Rain, butterflies and a chocolate covered cappuccino

    It’s a gloomy, rainy Sunday here, but the clocks sprung forward in the UK last night and so warmer, sunnier days are definitely on the way – hooray! Any of you who have been reading along long enough/know me well enough will know, I secretly love a gloomy day anyway. Right now, I’m curled up in my dressing gown, with a blanket and a cuppa, typing away while the rain drizzles down outside and the washing machine whirrs away in the background, making me feel more Sunday-y than ever.

    In spite of the cosy vibes, I’m full of butterflies this morning and hoping writing does me good.

    Just 25 days to go now and I’ll be on a plane to LA! So excited, but also ridiculously nervous. Is little old me really about to get a long haul flight to America on her own!? The same me that, on her first holiday away with friends, gripped her best friend’s hand and cried as the plane took off? Yes, yes she is and as of yesterday, she’s got some comfy sandals to explore in when she gets to the other end and a gorgeous , comfortable bikini to wear should the occasion arise.

    I had a crisis of confidence at work this week and started it off feeling properly wobbly. Everything on my to-do list felt urgent and I didn’t feel like I was turning up to meetings as my best self. BUT I ended the week feeling the total opposite; much more on top of things and looking forward to the weeks ahead. This week is going to be a good work week, I’m sure of it.

    I had a fabulous week personally. I enjoyed lots of wonderful time with family and friends and whilst my confidence at work waned, I felt more confident than ever welcoming friends and family into my home. Which is saying something when historically I’ve always been such an anxious host.

    Yesterday my bestie was here for the day. We strolled around the shops and picked up a super scrummy lunch in Simmons Bakers and I fell head over heels for my chocolate covered cappuccino. Today, I get to spend the day with my sister for the first time in forever.

    In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think my tummy could be full of excitable butterflies today. I’ll be breathing deeply, sipping plenty more tea and taking today one step at a time anyway, because time is flying and whilst I cannot wait to be reunited with Dave, I need it to slow down just a little. I have too many plates in the air to move any faster. BUT I’m grateful for the realisation that I’m feeling much more than simply anxious. There’s a lot of good stuff in the mix too.

  • Los Angeles, Mexico City and Home Together Again

    Los Angeles, Mexico City and Home Together Again

    The sun is shining through our living room windows, Willow is sunbathing next to me and Dave is about to start cooking dinner. Just a week back home together and it feels as though he never went away.

    I hadn’t imagined my previous blog post would be the last before I left for LA; I imagined I’d blog again before I left and I’d be updating on the trip whilst I was away too.

    In reality, in the lead up I was way too focused on a very thorough, clear and organised plan for juggling work and life and packing and pre-holiday admin. I channelled all of my nervous energy into list creation. There are times when being an over-thinker can come in handy and this was definitely one of them – I’d thought of everything!

    And then once I was on holiday, all I wanted was to enjoy every moment.

    It’s been a whirlwind…

    Three weeks ago, I was still missing Dave, having not seen him for nearly three months and top of my to-do list was actually hoovering, because I had guests coming for the weekend.

    And two weeks ago, about this time in the US, we were on our way to the Griffith Observatory (which I was very excited to visit for the first time, given my obsession with the film La La Land and the super theatrical scene when Mia and Sebastian kiss for the first time.) We spent the evening there and, when the time came, watched as the sun set over the Hollywood hills, before getting the scrummiest dinner.

    I feel extremely lucky to have had the opportunity to not just visit Los Angeles, but to do so after Dave had gotten to know it so well. I feel I really saw only the best of a city, which, let’s face it, is known for having its good and its bad bits. I loved LA for its connection to the movies, for the proximity you felt to stardom, the way it sparkles at night and the way it looks from up high, its free and breezy energy and for the oodles of food and drink available. As a city girl, I enjoyed its vastness and the pace of life there too.

    We also were lucky enough to spend two nights in Mexico City with friends and again, we got ourselves a proper highlights tour. In fact, after our time with them there, Mexico City is going down as one of my favourite cities in the world. It’s got so much history and culture. It’s sinking between the mountains in it’s own unique, beautiful way, it’s so green and again, it’s full of amazing food and drink. One of the two nights, sat drinking Mescal cocktails outside a bar in Coyoacán, chatting away to friends we love but don’t see as often as we like, I was oh so happy. Especially safe in the knowledge that we’d be finishing the night, not with McDonald’s, but with freshly made churros dipped in chocolate.

    I wrote about travelling with butterflies at a time not that long ago, when I thought I’d gotten it all figured out. As with any mental illness, it turns out anxiety is unpredictable as ever and in fact, mine didn’t really trouble me for most of my time away – in spite of the fact I was further from home than ever before. It wasn’t as I’d have thought: I didn’t start the trip full of butterflies and then relax into life away as time went on. I started the trip feeling weirdly calm and it wasn’t until only the last couple of days that I started to feel the familiar queasiness and head fluffiness. I enjoyed all of our time away, but by the end I definitely felt the need to be grounded at home and was very much looking forward to landing back on familiar ground. And not just because of the butterflies of course, because I missed Willow and Mambo too and couldn’t wait to get Dave home and reunited with both of them. (On that – in a very un-cat-like fashion, they were so happy to see him! They remembered him instantly and were straight under his feet purring and wanting attention. It was the absolute cutest)

    And now we’re home and currently, I’m just the normal Bronwen amount of anxious. The butterflies are lurking, but they’re not causing me any real trouble. I’d have expected Dave being home to at least cause me a bit of agg on the mental health front – any change, good or bad, usually does, but yet again, I am pleasantly surprised by my brains lack of fuss about it.

    In other news, I’m trying to remember work is just work, because it’s a little much right now and it’s got the potential to become all consuming at the moment. I’m excited for the next few months and for all we have planned. And I’m really enjoying seeing daises among the grass, trees full of leaves and summer dresses on smiley faced people everywhere. Summer is in the air here in the UK and I love love love it.

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