Blogging Goodbye to Butterflies

Tag: life

  • Life doesn’t stop because you’re house hunting 🏘️

    Life doesn’t stop because you’re house hunting 🏘️

    Dave and I’s first day of house viewings was a little disheartening, but the second day (crammed full of twice as many viewings) was much more promising. We’ve not found our future home yet, but we have gotten to a point where we’re much more clued up on what our actual deal breakers are and what we love in a house.

    I genuinely went into our search thinking all we needed was any house with a roof, walls, three bedrooms and a garden. I’d never really paid much attention to how different houses are. We’ve seen so many different types of 3 bedroom house and it turns out it’s all so much more complicated.

    I’ve gone from impatiently revisiting every Rightmove listing wondering if there’s a house we’ve overlooked or could make work, to realising that we should take this slow. We’re in the extremely privileged position of being able to take our time searching and I think that’d be the first bit of advice I’d give to anyone looking to buy a home – if you have the luxury of time, don’t rush it.

    Another reason to take it slow is that, life hasn’t stopped for the house search. And for a little while there, I was definitely overdoing it. Work has been busy as ever and there’s been a lot else exciting going on besides us scrolling Rightmove on the daily. In fact, it’s been a hectic few weeks since I last wrote.

    My Dad and I road tripped up to Manchester to see my little brother and his girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. They live in this super cool flat, on the one-from-the-top floor of a block of flats, with incredible views of the Manchester city skyline. We spent two days eating yummy food, catching up on life and seeing some of the sights. I started to feel a little poorly while we were there and was grateful to be with family, able to take things in my stride – on the Saturday afternoon, when I ran out of energy all together, we all went back to the flat to cosy down with tea and snacks and watch the most random movie on Disney +.

    It was just a cold. I thought I was going to be able to push through a week working from home when Monday came around, but it actually hit me pretty hard! By Wednesday, I was crying on the sofa feeling totally drained and too snotty to mention.

    I did thankfully recover in time for our second lot of house viewings that weekend.

    Then, this week just gone, Dave and I’s boiler broke down. The pressure dropped, the error light came on, we reported the fault and next thing we knew, an engineer was sticking a ‘DO NOT USE’ warning sticker on the front of it and telling us we’d need a replacement. I had two cold showers in the time it was out of action and I must say, whilst I will probably never choose to do it again (especially not in autumn) I did feel the benefits you always hear about.,, I felt energised and refreshed and I’m sure my hair was softer too.

    The new boiler was fitted on Friday and I’m incredibly grateful to be living in a home with hot water again.

    Yesterday, I spent a wonderfully autumnal day at Kew with one of my best friends. We wandered among the trees and leaves, caught up on life, drank tea and cake and finished the day with red wine and pie at a pub nearby.

    And now here I am. Curled up on the sofa at the end of a very lazy day, but still shattered. Looking forward to an evening eating chicken, broccoli and roast potatoes and catching up on Strictly Come Dancing. Can you imagine an evening more wholesome?

  • Way more than 66 Books 📚

    Way more than 66 Books 📚

    Yesterday I went to book lover heaven. My friend and I met for a super scummy brekky and a catch up, before hopping in an Uber to 66 Books to go book shopping!

    For those who don’t already know, 66 Books, is a fully operational book warehouse in Hertfordshire which a company called 66 Book Club open up to the public once or twice a month. This means, on those open days (check out the book club’s FB page for dates: https://www.facebook.com/@66bookclub/) you can explore the aisles full of books for as long as you’d like. It’s like having access to a massive library – except the books aren’t categorised by author, title or genre and are (we assumed) sorted by some kind of mysterious warehouse coding system.

    Not only can you explore, but after you’ve browsed the shelves you can buy as many books as you like for 70% off retail price (once you’ve paid £2 for membership of the book club)! We queued from about 12:20pm until about 3pm (so just under three hours) but it was so worth it! We both came away happily with bundles of books and full book loving hearts.

    And today!? Today, Dave and I are on our house hunt! I can’t believe we’re actually here. We’re back in our home town and we’re actually potentially going to look at our future home. My tummy is butterfly central, but mostly in a good way.

    I know it’s most likely we’ll spend a lot longer searching before putting in any offers, but these houses are really very promising prospects… I think.

    My friend patiently spent a solid amount of our time queueing yesterday going through the Rightmove listings with me and weighing up pros and cons. I have been finding it really hard to imagine what these homes would look like once we’d made them ours, but talking through imaginary colour schemes and furniture layouts with her really helped.

    Stay tuned to find out how we get on and thanks as always for being along for the ride.

  • ‘A Sky Full of Stars’: Tales from a long weekend camping in Dartmouth✨

    ‘A Sky Full of Stars’: Tales from a long weekend camping in Dartmouth✨

    This morning I put a torch in the washing machine. I was just finally getting around to doing the last of our dirty washing from our camping trip last weekend and when I heard the clunking, my first thought was that one of us might have picked a pebble up off the beach and left it in a pocket. When I got to the machine though, I could see the end of our torch whizzing around in circles between the clothes, loudly hitting the outside of the machine every now and again.

    I hit the pause button immediately, but even with the machine on pause, the door didn’t open. Next thing I know, I’m on the phone to my Dad, we’re both reading the machine’s manual online and we’re coming to the conclusion that we’re just going to have to let the machine run until the first cycle is over and it can drain. At one point, the water triggered the switch on the torch and the light came on, so that I could see it whizzing around even clearer than before, like a menacing under water disco light. Eventually the cycle ended, the water drained, I hit pause and thankfully, I was able to open the door and retrieve the torch. Now just to figure out how to safely dispose of it, given it will most likely never be safe to use again.

    Luckily, packing for camping went much better than unpacking has. Between us, we really had thought of everything. We filled the car with shoes, canvas bags, portable chargers, towels, snacks, clothes, jackets, sleeping bags, duvets, yoga mats and blankets and off we went. We’d been invited to a join family on a camp site in Dartmouth for a weekend of 60th birthday celebrations and we had such a good time.

    From the moment we arrived, I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. I always love being by the sea and Dartmouth is a particularly lovely seaside town. We enjoyed ice cream and fish and chips galore. We walked up and down a pebbled beach with the happiest of dogs in tow. We went and explored Agatha Christie’s holiday home and I got to play her grand piano!

    Perhaps unsurprisingly, given we were camping in England in September, we dealt with sunshine, rain, wind and cold and yet we made the best of things. When some noisy sheep disrupted our sleep on night one, we left the tent to head to the campsite toilets only to look up and see a deep, dark, beautiful sky full of stars. When we got caught out in the rain on day two, I found myself smiling hugely making my way down a footpath with my backpack on and brolly held high, reminded of rainy, English childhood holidays. And when the wind hammered on the side of the biggest tent on day three, I felt cosier than ever sat in a deck chair, sipping red wine and playing card games.

    All of that said, we returned home more grateful than ever for our bed and our super cosy sofa. And now it’s hard to believe a whole ‘nother week has gone by. In spite of lack of sleep, camping did leave me feeling refreshed and I found myself back at work with a fresh perspective this week. I took it in my stride a little more and was more productive as a result.

    On Thursday, I was out and about in London and was reminded just how much I love the city. Yesterday, my best friend and I were at Welwyn Garden City’s world food fest, enjoying everything from South African to Greek. And today? Today’s a chill day and I find myself feeling tired, but grateful. There’s so much to love about this little life of mine. We’re very quickly headed for my favourite time of year and I’m determined to make the most of it.

  • On my way to OK again 👌

    On my way to OK again 👌

    I was right when I said that the butterflies were gentling warning me to take care. I had a wonderful day at my grandparents with family, but on Monday morning, tiredness and anxiety hit me all over again like a brick. And I felt devastated because if you were paying attention you’ll remember, Monday was Taylor Swift Eras tour day!

    Dave got me out the door and in the car with hugs and moral support and my friend got me to the concert with tea, pizza and a wrist full of friendship bracelets. I’m still in disbelief that I was actually there – what. a. privilege! I have a whole new level of admiration for Taylor. She is one incredibly talented woman and she put on a show like no other. And I’m so grateful for the memories my friend and I made, which I’ll treasure for a lifetime.

    If you haven’t been and you’re here looking for some insight and wondering if the show is worth all of the hype… It absolutely is. The effort put into the whole production, from costume to set design to choreography is incredible. If you’ve got Disney +, I definitely recommend checking out the recording. It’s like lots of mini shows – a whole new staging, set of costumes and dance style for every Taylor album. Not easily achieved and yet Taylor, her band and the dancers around her give it a thousand percent for over three hours straight!

    Me on the other hand? Tuesday, I felt the impact of just pushing through and making it to the concert at all. I collapsed on the sofa the minute I got home, moving only to shower when I started to feel icky.

    Wednesday I felt more energised. I spent a day at the office, joined work colleagues for sunny drinks and met another one of my best friends for dinner. We caught up outside Rosa’s Thai in Soho, sharing a carafe of wine and eating noodles as the sun went down and the streets around us became increasingly buzzy.

    I cried on and off through Thursday and Friday, managing to get my head down at work and somehow tie things up before the bank holiday weekend.

    Friday night we spent with friends, eating chilli, drinking and playing cards until the early hours of the morning, without even noticing the time going by.

    And then yesterday, on a cosy, rainy Saturday afternoon, I finally found peace. I found myself curled up in my arm chair, Avril Lavigne T-Shirt and baggy trousers on, breathing deep and tearing up as relief hit me like an avalanche. I had Cat Burns’ latest album playing, but quietly enough that I could hear the rain pouring down outside the windows. I’d curled up with the intention of reading my book, but I kept putting my book down just to rest my head on the back of the chair, look out the window and watch the trees swaying in the wind.

    And today, I feel like I’m on the way to ok again. I’ve been for a sunny walk and had an everything shower, whilst listening to my favourite Celine Dion album. I’ve watched a couple of very emotional episodes of Love is Blind UK and I had a very wholesome chicken and vegetable soup for lunch.

    Part of me wonders whether the Monday morning crash could have been avoided… If I’d spent the previous Friday morning out walking or curled up in my armchair with my book, instead of binge watching Emily in Paris, would that have brought me the same peace sooner? Or was I just unavoidably run down and tired in a way that would only be solved by a rainy Saturday?

    After all, I am an autumn girl at heart and there’s really nothing like a gloomy weather day to make me feel calm and relaxed. We’ve probably a few summery days still ahead of us, but we are headed for cosy season and I am so here for it.

  • Daydreamer 💭

    Daydreamer 💭

    I Just Turned Thirty and There Are Some Exciting Life Changes Ahead: I’m Trying to Stay Present and Make the Most of This Summer while Dreaming of a Future House with a Garden.

    I’ve been trying my absolute hardest not to grumble about the heat this week and I’ve felt better for finding a way to be positive about the fact it’s summer. And that’s not to say I haven’t loved all of the autumnal content popping up from my fellow autumn/winter lovelies, but embracing summer and all the joyous things that come with it has helped to turn my frown upside down.

    I’ve enjoyed iced coffees and sandals and summer dresses and hummus and salad and smoothies. I’ve always loved seeing green leaves against blue skies and I’ve spent more time outside this week, which has meant I’ve been able to appreciate clear skies to the fullest.

    I really don’t want to wish the time away, but I’ve also spent a lot of time day-dreaming about what life will be like if we can find ourselves a house with a garden that we can afford. It’s looking like that could be on the cards for us at the end of this year and I’m so excited. It’s the little things that would make summer with a garden even better… Tea or coffee outside in the fresh morning air. BBQ food for dinner with friends or family. The cats rolling in the grass and playing amongst the trees.

    There’s little things about simply living in a house too… Going upstairs to go to bed and back downstairs in the morning. Having bins at the end of the front garden and a slot for post in the front door, so the post just lands on the hallway mat. Hopefully, being able to pop cut flowers in a vase on the kitchen table without worrying about the cats, who will have already dined on the grass outside.

    Oh dear, there I go again.

    I love our flat and I really am determined to make the most of our remaining time here, however long that is, but it’s okay to daydream about the future too I reckon. As long as you remember to come back to the present frequently enough to enjoy the now as well. Right now for example, I’m curled up in my comfiest PJs, I’ve a cup of tea on the go and I’m looking forward to a day with family. Happy Sunday all!

  • Swinging away the butterflies 🎶

    Swinging away the butterflies 🎶

    The first half of this week was full of butterflies and nauseating tummy flutters and a night of jazz helped me see them off just in time for the weekend.

    Filling in my planner Monday morning, I popped ‘inhale confidence, exhale doubt’ on my list of priorities. I knew already that I’d need to believe in myself to tackle the week ahead.

    In moments of anxiety and nausea it was harder to prioritise time to breathe but I did manage to find enough confidence to get through two days at the office and some really important meetings. I’m learning to remember that confidence and butterflies aren’t mutually exclusive – in fact, it takes confidence to take life on with butterflies in tow.

    I finished ‘Daisy Jones & the Six’ by Taylor Jenkins-Reid this week, because I spent quite a lot of time reading (which also helped with the nerves). When I headed to update Instagram and my Goodreads account, I was so close to rating it 5 out of 5, but landed on a 4 in the end – I loved it and I’m so grateful for the respite it’s given me whilst I’ve been reading it, but it’s not going down as one of my absolute faves. This doesn’t mean I wouldn’t recommend it, in fact I definitely would! I’d recommend the Amazon TV show too – the music is BRILLIANT.

    Speaking of music, a night of jazz on Thursday helped me say good riddance to the butterflies once and for all… A fab friend and I headed to Alfie’s Soho for a jam night. Right in the heart of Soho’s jazz scene and just around the corner from Ronnie Scott’s, Alfie’s is up a flight of stairs, dimly lit with candles and crammed full of stools and chairs. We had a great time escaping for the evening. We were left absolutely in awe of the musicians, who rocked up with their instruments, took to the stage without knowing the other musicians around them and played jazz with them as if they’d been playing together for years. I did a whole module on the history of Jazz at uni and yet I don’t think I’d ever actually seen it performed like this. It was very cool!

    If you’ve been following along long enough, you may remember that La La Land is my absolute favourite film in all of the world and that I LOVE London. To be sat in a jazz bar, not too different from Seb’s, in the middle of Soho made me feel all kinds of happy and grateful.

    The butterflies are just starting to creep back in today, but Friday night was spent eating pasta bake and watching the Olympic opening ceremony and the rest of the weekend has been spent with some of our closest friends and their little ones and so I do feel rejuvenated. Hoping this week might be a little less butterfly-full, but also feeling safe in the knowledge that I’ll be okay either way. After all, I’ve now got over 30 years of living behind me and time and time again I’ve proved that my anxiety can’t hold me back.

  • Thirty and Thriving 🙌

    Thirty and Thriving 🙌

    It’s Sunday, the sun is shining and we’ve a roast dinner cooking away – nothing makes me happier than a day like this one. We’ve got family staying, I’m one beer down and I’m feeling more chilled than I have in ages. (Besides the football nerves of course – it’s been a nervy couple of weeks for England fans across the country and tonight’s game could be a turning point. Yes, I’m remaining optimistic!)

    My 30th has been and gone and it was FAB, but unfortunately it did coincide with a particularly stressful time at work and between full-on working days and celebrations I’ve barely had a moment to breathe.

    It always says something when I’m feeling like writing again. It says I’m coming out of the other side, my brain is clear of fog and the butterflies are less consuming. Hooray to that and thanks for sticking with me while Chapter Seven hit pause for a short while.

    Even full of brain fog and butterflies, 30 has brought with it a new confidence for me.

    I confess, I had a mini-meltdown on my birthday eve. All I could think was how much I hadn’t done yet. Suddenly my biggest regret in all the world was not having run a half marathon for example, in spite of the fact I’ve never enjoyed running and I’ve never even completed Couch to 5K. BUT since then, I’ve found being 30 somehow has me feeling like I can own my space more and like I’ve earned the right to live authentically and with confidence.

    Thirty has me ordering whisky neat, popping prosecco open without faffing and aiming higher at work and I’m excited to see how long I can ride this wave for.

    I’m so grateful to every person who chose to celebrate with me. I felt so loved throughout my birthday celebrations and there can be no doubt that’s brought me closer to the place I’m in now.

    Now, I know age is just a number. And if you’re reading this in your early twenties, please don’t let your age stop you from owning your space right now. Or if you’re way past 30 and still not feeling confident, please don’t let this make you feel you’re behind – you’re wonderful as you are and everyone is on their own timeline.

    But if you’re reading this on your approach to thirty, worried about reaching the milestone without having done everything you expected, please know that it’s not an ending. It’s just the beginning and there’s so much to be excited about yet. Celebrate all that you have achieved and own your space knowing you’re going into life’s next chapter with more wisdom than you’ve ever had before. In my timeline, I’ve a feeling thirty is where I start to come into my own.

  • Fake it ’til you make it 🍹

    Fake it ’til you make it 🍹

    My cheeks feel warm and rosy, in that way they only do after a couple of days out in the sunshine. Those chilly gale force winds seem to have passed through and this weekend has been verging on summery!

    It turns out Angel, Islington is the perfect place to spend a sunny Saturday afternoon. Yesterday was spent window shopping, brunch eating and wandering around with a bestie and what felt like the entire population of London. So many people had decided Angel was the place to be! People watching on the train on the way in, I couldn’t help noticing how energised people were by the sunshine. I noticed some people had proceeded with caution – opting for layers – whilst others had gone full steam ahead into flip-flops, dresses and summer hats. My outfit landed somewhere in the middle and I was grateful for my cardigan by the end of the day.

    I was certain I’d been to Angel before, but if I have I’ve clearly never stumbled upon the markets and the cute shops because I’d have remembered if I had. I was absolutely in my element! I could have bought the entire contents of one particularly cute book shop and nearly everything in an independent home store.

    We were in Angel to view a space above a pub, which we’re booking to celebrate our 30th birthdays in. It’s absolutely perfect and I’m now more excited about my birthday than ever. We both left absolutely buzzing and headed straight to a pub with outside seating for an Aperol Spritz each and a couple of glasses of wine.

    I spent today wandering around town with another bestie, fuelled by coffee and nattering about work, life and all that we have to look forward to over the next few years.

    It really feels like we’re proper grown ups nowadays. And yet there’s still so much I’m trying to figure out. On one hand, I can’t wait for what’s to come – I know I cannot wait to buy a house and decorate it the way I like, but on the other, I’ve quite enjoyed renting free from worries about decorating and handling repairs. I feel almost ready to be a Mum, but at times I can barely handle worrying about the cats. Sometimes I feel like I’m really acing it at work and others I feel like I’m just faking it till I make it. I walked down the Superdrug make-up aisle today and realised I may know which mascaras I like and don’t like, but I’ve still no idea how to use lip liner or a highlighter pen. I can walk into a pub and confidently browse the wine menu, but I’ll still pay closer attention to the prices than the descriptions of the wines themselves.

    I guess even when you’re all grown up, you’re always learning hey? It’s kind of comforting to think that being an adult isn’t something you can just level up into. I think the closer to 30 I get, the more I realise that even real, proper grown-ups don’t have it all figured out. We just take the lemons life gives us and we get better and better at making lemonade. It helps to have good friends that’s for sure. Especially the kind of friends who will take your picture when your drink perfectly matches your blouse or who will help you search for the perfect pressed powder when the make-up aisle has you feeling clueless, flustered and like you’re 16 again.

  • Windswept, tired, but happy 🫖

    Windswept, tired, but happy 🫖

    Adventures in Hertfordshire and Essex: How Two Days Out in the Fresh Air have Rejuvenated Me

    I’m curled up on the sofa in comfy pants and a jumper, watching the trees outside the window wave in the wind. I can’t help smiling when I notice they’re getting greener by the minute. The air has definitely smelt more spring-like the last couple of days and I’ve really enjoyed getting out and about – even if it has meant returning home windswept and tired two days in a row…

    Yesterday was spent catching up with a friend in a lovely little town called Burnham-on-Crouch. We went for a windy walk along the river front, had the scrummist chicken balti pies and then after nearly blowing away, retreated back to hers for tea and cake.

    Today I explored the National Trust’s Wimpole Estate with my Auntie. We also nearly blew away, but my Auntie had a spare hair scrunchie for me, we had a great day exploring and the sun did come out just long enough for us to enjoy a late lunch in the gardens.

    It’s been a good week. I’ve felt motivated at work and got cracking on some important bits and pieces. I’ve found time to read and even to sit at my piano… I know I’m feeling happy when I feel like being creative.

    This coming week it feels like it’ll be important to factor in rest. Our bank holiday weekend last week was a busy one and this one’s also been packed full and whilst I’m so grateful for family and friends and longer days and lovely plans, I’m very wary of burning out. I’m well aware that I’m guilty of pushing through and forgetting to take a moment. A lot of the time I’ll blindly go about life without even realising I’m tiring and then out of nowhere I’ll collapse in an overwhelmed heap. Rest is key. And with that in mind, I’m going to hit post, refill my water and pop something comforting on the TV – perhaps Stacey Solomon ‘Sort Your Life Out’ because it comes highly recommended by a friend who knows me very well.

  • You May Never Really Find Yourself 🌸

    You May Never Really Find Yourself 🌸

    Spring is in the air and I can gradually feel my energy levels rising. I’m sure I’m not alone. There’s something about living longer days, seeing growing buds on trees and smelling freshly cut grass that just boosts those happy hormones.

    Chapter Seven has been on the horizon for a while. Not only have I felt more like eating healthy, getting active and smiling since March came around, it’s also felt like time to get writing again.

    The title of this post might seem a little gloomy. For me, it’s hopeful; it’s about letting go of the need to perfect yourself.

    This blog was started by a Bronwen on a mission to find herself. Growing up we’re sold this lie that some day we’ll find ourselves and all will be right in the world. Especially as you reach adulthood, there’s so much talk of finding yourself, i.e. figuring out who you are and what you want in life. We’re told that until you truly find yourself, your relationships won’t be as meaningful and you’ll find it harder to make life’s biggest decisions.

    A load of rubbish.

    I come to you now as a 29 year old Bronwen, still learning new things about myself every day, always changing, growing and evolving and realising I may never really find myself.

    And that’s okay.

    We evolve because life is constantly changing and we change with it. Sometimes the scariest thing about change, is how much it threatens to change you as the person you’ve come to know. Change is hard for a huge number of reasons. Among those, there can be a huge pressure to align the new you, in new circumstances with the old versions of yourself. It can feel like you’re losing your identity.

    And it can feel like if you lose your identity, you’re going to lose the people around you too, because you feel like the people who love you, loved a specific version of you. And that can be suuuuper scary.

    But lately I’m learning there’s nothing wrong with adapting. Some days I love tea and books. Some days I want to drink coffee and binge Gossip Girl. Some days I am sunshiney, but some days I am the opposite.

    Being multiple things can be hardest of all in a social media world where we’re told to pick a box in order to find an online community, gain a following or to simply fill out our bio.

    Most of all, I think I finally get that we need to know that we can count on the people in our life to enjoy watching us change and grow. Maybe this just comes with age and experience? Maybe eventually we all find freedom to evolve and learn that the people who stick around are the people who count?

    Introducing Chapter Seven – the chapter in which I’ll be turning 30! (Eeeek!) In this chapter I may well contradict myself, I may change, I might not seem to have everything figured out, but I’ll ramble freely and share what wisdom I can as always.

    And I’ll carry on celebrating the little things, because that’s one thing about me I hope will never change. Although of course it may.

  • Los Angeles, Mexico City and Home Together Again

    Los Angeles, Mexico City and Home Together Again

    The sun is shining through our living room windows, Willow is sunbathing next to me and Dave is about to start cooking dinner. Just a week back home together and it feels as though he never went away.

    I hadn’t imagined my previous blog post would be the last before I left for LA; I imagined I’d blog again before I left and I’d be updating on the trip whilst I was away too.

    In reality, in the lead up I was way too focused on a very thorough, clear and organised plan for juggling work and life and packing and pre-holiday admin. I channelled all of my nervous energy into list creation. There are times when being an over-thinker can come in handy and this was definitely one of them – I’d thought of everything!

    And then once I was on holiday, all I wanted was to enjoy every moment.

    It’s been a whirlwind…

    Three weeks ago, I was still missing Dave, having not seen him for nearly three months and top of my to-do list was actually hoovering, because I had guests coming for the weekend.

    And two weeks ago, about this time in the US, we were on our way to the Griffith Observatory (which I was very excited to visit for the first time, given my obsession with the film La La Land and the super theatrical scene when Mia and Sebastian kiss for the first time.) We spent the evening there and, when the time came, watched as the sun set over the Hollywood hills, before getting the scrummiest dinner.

    I feel extremely lucky to have had the opportunity to not just visit Los Angeles, but to do so after Dave had gotten to know it so well. I feel I really saw only the best of a city, which, let’s face it, is known for having its good and its bad bits. I loved LA for its connection to the movies, for the proximity you felt to stardom, the way it sparkles at night and the way it looks from up high, its free and breezy energy and for the oodles of food and drink available. As a city girl, I enjoyed its vastness and the pace of life there too.

    We also were lucky enough to spend two nights in Mexico City with friends and again, we got ourselves a proper highlights tour. In fact, after our time with them there, Mexico City is going down as one of my favourite cities in the world. It’s got so much history and culture. It’s sinking between the mountains in it’s own unique, beautiful way, it’s so green and again, it’s full of amazing food and drink. One of the two nights, sat drinking Mescal cocktails outside a bar in Coyoacán, chatting away to friends we love but don’t see as often as we like, I was oh so happy. Especially safe in the knowledge that we’d be finishing the night, not with McDonald’s, but with freshly made churros dipped in chocolate.

    I wrote about travelling with butterflies at a time not that long ago, when I thought I’d gotten it all figured out. As with any mental illness, it turns out anxiety is unpredictable as ever and in fact, mine didn’t really trouble me for most of my time away – in spite of the fact I was further from home than ever before. It wasn’t as I’d have thought: I didn’t start the trip full of butterflies and then relax into life away as time went on. I started the trip feeling weirdly calm and it wasn’t until only the last couple of days that I started to feel the familiar queasiness and head fluffiness. I enjoyed all of our time away, but by the end I definitely felt the need to be grounded at home and was very much looking forward to landing back on familiar ground. And not just because of the butterflies of course, because I missed Willow and Mambo too and couldn’t wait to get Dave home and reunited with both of them. (On that – in a very un-cat-like fashion, they were so happy to see him! They remembered him instantly and were straight under his feet purring and wanting attention. It was the absolute cutest)

    And now we’re home and currently, I’m just the normal Bronwen amount of anxious. The butterflies are lurking, but they’re not causing me any real trouble. I’d have expected Dave being home to at least cause me a bit of agg on the mental health front – any change, good or bad, usually does, but yet again, I am pleasantly surprised by my brains lack of fuss about it.

    In other news, I’m trying to remember work is just work, because it’s a little much right now and it’s got the potential to become all consuming at the moment. I’m excited for the next few months and for all we have planned. And I’m really enjoying seeing daises among the grass, trees full of leaves and summer dresses on smiley faced people everywhere. Summer is in the air here in the UK and I love love love it.

  • Rain, butterflies and a chocolate covered cappuccino

    Rain, butterflies and a chocolate covered cappuccino

    It’s a gloomy, rainy Sunday here, but the clocks sprung forward in the UK last night and so warmer, sunnier days are definitely on the way – hooray! Any of you who have been reading along long enough/know me well enough will know, I secretly love a gloomy day anyway. Right now, I’m curled up in my dressing gown, with a blanket and a cuppa, typing away while the rain drizzles down outside and the washing machine whirrs away in the background, making me feel more Sunday-y than ever.

    In spite of the cosy vibes, I’m full of butterflies this morning and hoping writing does me good.

    Just 25 days to go now and I’ll be on a plane to LA! So excited, but also ridiculously nervous. Is little old me really about to get a long haul flight to America on her own!? The same me that, on her first holiday away with friends, gripped her best friend’s hand and cried as the plane took off? Yes, yes she is and as of yesterday, she’s got some comfy sandals to explore in when she gets to the other end and a gorgeous , comfortable bikini to wear should the occasion arise.

    I had a crisis of confidence at work this week and started it off feeling properly wobbly. Everything on my to-do list felt urgent and I didn’t feel like I was turning up to meetings as my best self. BUT I ended the week feeling the total opposite; much more on top of things and looking forward to the weeks ahead. This week is going to be a good work week, I’m sure of it.

    I had a fabulous week personally. I enjoyed lots of wonderful time with family and friends and whilst my confidence at work waned, I felt more confident than ever welcoming friends and family into my home. Which is saying something when historically I’ve always been such an anxious host.

    Yesterday my bestie was here for the day. We strolled around the shops and picked up a super scrummy lunch in Simmons Bakers and I fell head over heels for my chocolate covered cappuccino. Today, I get to spend the day with my sister for the first time in forever.

    In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think my tummy could be full of excitable butterflies today. I’ll be breathing deeply, sipping plenty more tea and taking today one step at a time anyway, because time is flying and whilst I cannot wait to be reunited with Dave, I need it to slow down just a little. I have too many plates in the air to move any faster. BUT I’m grateful for the realisation that I’m feeling much more than simply anxious. There’s a lot of good stuff in the mix too.

  • Facing a Whole New Year One Day at a Time

    Facing a Whole New Year One Day at a Time

    Just finished washing up and my fingers are all wrinkly, as if I’ve just got out of a lovely long bath. My hair’s a total mess and I’m wearing an old jumper with pyjama bottoms, but I feel like writing for the first time in forever, so I’m smiling hugely (Hey there 2023 readers and thanks for sticking with me!).

    The lounge behind my laptop screen is a much better sight to behold. I can see both cats – Mambo’s snoozing in her radiator hammock and Willow is on her favourite sofa cushion. They look as cute as ever. I was reluctant to take the Christmas decorations down, but now that we have, I’m enjoying how fresh and clean the place looks. Whilst I’m sad Christmas is over, I can’t help feeling excited for the year ahead.

    I wasn’t feeling this optimistic a couple of weeks ago. Caught in Chrimbo Limbo, feeling icky after eating a dodgy risotto and missing out on plans with friends, I was a proper misery guts. I finished 2022 feeling tired and burned out and wondering where on Earth I was going to find the energy to face a whole new year.

    We spent a really lovely New Year’s Eve eating and drinking, playing games and watching Jools Holland and then we went to bed, sleepy and happy. But on New Year’s Day, I woke up full of anxious butterflies and with a head full of worries about the cats and the length of my to-do list.

    In the end, the return to routine did me good and before I knew it, I was back in my stride. And it didn’t take me long to come to the realisation, that I don’t need the energy to face a whole new year. All I need to do is tackle each day as it comes.

    In less than a week, Dave is flying to L.A for work and he’s not back until mid-April. And it would be so easy to spend the next three months sulking, feeling lonely and wishing the time away. But I’m resolving to focus on the present this year and I know that will help me through, as it has so many times before. I will savour time with friends and family and be thankful for the company of the cats. And I will savour time to focus on me.

    Whatever challenges you’ve got coming your way this year, remember to return to the now as often as you can and focus on the little things. And I’ll be here, hopefully back on the blogging band-wagon and trying to do the same.

  • Every day’s a school day

    Every day’s a school day

    I’ve learned three things this week.

    1. Paddington Station is hands down the most confusing station in London and it’s no wonder Paddington Bear ended up lost when he tried to navigate it alone.

    Friday night some super lovely friends and I had arranged to meet there, because we were kick-starting a night of celebrations by taking a GoBoat out on the canals. When we got there we wasted a good 15 minutes just trying to find each other, only to spend another 15 trying to find the right exit. Once we had made it out and found our boat though, we went on to have the best evening. Sitting on that boat as the sun went down, sipping my drink and chatting away made me so happy, as did the table full of food at the tapas restaurant where we spent the rest of the night.

    2. Blue nail polish is for life.

    Last night we headed to a secret location to join the Gathering of the Clans at the Guardians of the Galaxy themed secret cinema*. I’ll avoid spoilers for anyone else planning to go along this year, but our costumes needed to feature blue and be space-y and so out came my blue nail polish for the first time since one sunny day in 2016. This morning, I had an absolute mare trying to get it off. I’ve now accepted my thumb will look slightly blue for the foreseeable.

    3. Even when it doesn’t feel like it, you can say no.

    Literally nothing is more important than your mental health. When I was reminded of this earlier this week, I didn’t actually end up saying no to anything. I cracked on with things and I’m so pleased I did, but approaching those things knowing they were optional made everything easier. Life can feel overwhelming when you look ahead to days full of plans which you’re not sure you’ll have the energy for anymore. You can feel trapped in an endless cycle of obligations. Which can seem silly when those obligations are in fact fun plans which you feel like you should feel excited about. But sometimes even the fun stuff takes it out of us. Remembering that all you’ve really got to do is eat, drink water and keep your job can make things feel so much more manageable again. Focus on you first and all of the other stuff after.

    *And for the super keen readers among you, interested in my review of secret cinema’s Guardians of the Galaxy experience?

    As amazing and immersive as always, but you definitely get less for your money now than you did before it became popular. I loved it, but I just wish there’d been more to it. The entrance to the world was amazing and I was blown away by the way they’d managed to capture the Marvel universe. The performers were brilliant and were as fab as ever at engaging with the crowd. We had a great time soaking up the atmosphere BUT when we did decide we wanted to get involved there were only a few actors leading on the action and so it took us ages to find one. One of the food stands sold the best beef brisket bao buns I’ve ever had, but they cost me £10 and I still needed to stop at KFC on the way home for a proper dinner. And the bars only sold a super limited range of drinks. All in all, probably would recommend, but be aware it doesn’t come cheap.

  • Sunday Night Butterflies: Dealing With Anxiety on a Sunday

    Sunday Night Butterflies: Dealing With Anxiety on a Sunday

    Sipping peppermint tea and as ever, trying to keep the Sunday night butterflies at bay – work is manic at the minute and whilst I’m actually looking forward to this week, I can’t help feeling a little nervous too.

    I’ve spent a little while deciding whether to write today. It’s been an overwhelming, monumental and sad week in the UK and across the world and everyone is paying their respects to Queen Elizabeth II in their own way. Some by stepping back from creating content all together, because a national period of mourning has been announced. Some putting content out there as normal, but having to prepare themselves for the backlash from people who feel they shouldn’t be.

    I’m probably not nearly important enough to be worrying about whether it’s appropriate for me to write or not. I do know that for me, to not write would feel totally unnatural. I was driving when the news that the Queen had died was announced. I drove home teary-eyed, whilst the BBC broadcast reflected on the Queen’s life and welcomed the new King to the throne. I felt so sad and I still do now. But if anything, it’s at times like these I want to write more than ever. So, on I go, whilst sending my best wishes to the Queen’s family and friends and to anyone struggling with grief this weekend.

    It’s been a much needed, super lazy hazy weekend in our little world. Much needed, not just because of the sad news, but because we both had very full-on weeks anyway.

    We had the best time with family and friends over to stay on Friday night. We started Saturday with bacon and sausage sarnies and Nintendo games. And, well I’ve not really moved from the sofa much since, except to head to the shops for food.

    We’re fully embracing the return of cooler, darker evenings and enjoying being able to curl up on the sofa under blankets again. Last night we ate fajitas and watched TV until we couldn’t keep our eyes open any longer.

    Here and now, my mint tea is nearly gone, but the butterflies are still out in full force. I think perhaps it’s just going to be one of those nights. Going to try and embrace it, feel the nerves fully and keep the faith that when Monday does come around, it’ll all be okay.

    We’ve got everything we need to make a roast dinner tonight. A glass of red wine and a roast dinner, with an abundance of gravy, will have me feeling all kinds of cosy in time to settle down for the night I’m sure. It’s a good job butterflies rarely keep me from eating when I’m hungry.

    Relax jaw. Drop shoulders. Deep breath. Hit publish and get the oven on. Here goes…

  • Girls just wanna have fun

    Girls just wanna have fun

    Happy Sunday!

    It actually is such a happy Sunday in my world today. I’m full of banana and blueberry waffles, which were good for the body and soul when enjoyed with a coffee this morning. The sun is shining, but it’s nowhere near as hot and sticky in the flat as it has been the last few weeks.

    I’m just home from an absolutely wonderful weekend away with some lovely girls which has left me feeling super duper refreshed and chilled.

    We went to beautiful Cambridge and spent our time eating, drinking and wandering. Honestly that’s it. We just went with the flow, enjoyed our new surroundings and hunted down the cutest coffee shops and scrummiest brunches.

    I was very nearly tempted by an oversized black denim jacket when shopping among all of the autumnal clothes that are filling the clothes rails now. I was so excited to find the rails full of cute jumpers again. BUT I’m proud of the Bronwen who found the will power to say no to the jacket, for now, and keep to her budget for the weekend instead. Now I’ve one more afternoon of freedom before Monday comes around and I’m determined to make the most of it.

    The girls I spent the weekend with have all inspired me in different ways. I’m left feeling like getting my life in order. First things first, I’m going to hoover and then I think it’s about time I sorted the wardrobes out – anyone else’s wardrobes descend into a total mess no-matter how many times you ‘Marie Kondo’ them?

  • A Fresh Perspective

    A Fresh Perspective

    The picture hasn’t really changed since I wrote my last post about taking life one scorcher of a day at a time. I’m still plodding through, trying to remember to drink water, eat well and shave my legs. And trying not to let the news get me down.

    The last few days have been better, in spite of temperatures being on the rise again. Mid-week last week, inspired by someone close to me, I resolved to come up with a new daily routine which would get me feeling more energised again.

    First step – get out for a walk every morning before the temperatures start to rise. Walk in the shade and get a proper good dose of really fresh morning air, before starting the working from home day.

    I also started a gratitude journal, which I’ve been completing every morning. Starting the day feeling grateful has actually been helping a bunch. And I know that’s not news. Influencers have been harping on about gratitude journals for literally years, but I’m not sure I believed it’d make a difference until I actually started. I found an app called ‘Presently’ which I hugely recommend. It’s simple and elegant and you can pick your own colour theme.

    Meanwhile, I’ve been speaking to people about how I’ve been feeling and it’s been a comfort to find out that many of us are feeling the exact same way! In England, we had our driest July since 1934 and the temperatures got higher than ever before. And as English people I believe we’re simply not wired to deal with being hot all of the time. We grumble about the rain, but we love it really.

    Speaking of rain lovers… Happy Birthday to my Dad! I love the smell of rain and the sound of footsteps on gravel so much because of you; because I so fondly remember us sticking our waterproofs on and following footpaths through miles of beautiful countryside when I was younger. We’ve got the love of crisp, cold winter days in common and we’ll get through this sticky summer together. And for now, I’ll just keep badgering you with random questions about insurance, cats and best before dates, because I know you wouldn’t have it any other way!

  • One scorcher of a day at a time

    One scorcher of a day at a time

    There’s absolutely no doubt it’s summer now: I’ve got an insect bite on my elbow which is so itchy I could scream, I have tan lines on my feet where my sandals should be and I’m running out of summery enough clothes to wear. As a winter girl, I’m trying to make the best of it. I am admittedly loving that our weekends are full of outdoor plans in the sunshine and I’ve not yet tired of BBQ food and Pimms.

    We’ve finally figured out how to keep the flat cool, which is a relief. We know which windows to open and close when and where to place the fan to optimise it’s impact. And just in time too, when we’re on the cusp of a heat wave.

    Is anyone else in England feeling a little anxious listening to the news at the moment, or is it just me? Between reports about the ongoing war in Ukraine, the fight over who’s going to be our next PM and the heatwave that’s going to cause road closures, power cuts, train cancellations and also sadly, lots of illness too, I feel like it’s hard to stay focused on the present.

    But in Dave and I’s little bubble life goes on. The cats are happy as ever. If anything, they (Mambo in particular) seem to be loving the sunny weather and are often choosing the hottest place in the flat to sleep in. And we are not yet over just how AMAZING the latest season of Stranger Things was. We’re hooked on Love Island, even though we said we wouldn’t get sucked in this time and I’m all excited, because I just got a new meal planner which sticks to the fridge.

    And I guess that’s all we can do really? Keep ourselves educated and grounded and do what we can, but also focus on ourselves and taking our own lives one scorching day at a time.

    Excited for a pub lunch with lovely people this afternoon and an ice cold lemonade or three. Bring it on!

  • Remember when rock was young

    Remember when rock was young

    Coming to you wearing joggers, with a massive mug of tea in hand. It has been an incredible weekend full of live music, good food and wonderful people. I’m feeling grateful but also, admittedly, a little worn out – thank goodness it’s Sunday. Today’s been everything I’ve needed. I’m thanking past Bronwen for leaving the day free of plans.

    On Friday, I had the absolute pleasure of seeing the LEGEND that is Elton John play at British Summertime Festival. Where to begin? The whole evening was magical. He’s such a talented human and there was so much love for him in that crowd of thousands. He performed an incredible line up with ease and class and he didn’t sing a single note out of tune. Never mind the fact he also hit every piano key perfectly. I have come away with so many memories to treasure and a heart full of love for him and all that he represents – especially this Pride month.

    And last night! Last night, we saw Greta Van Fleet live at Alexandra Palace. I’d never been to Ally Pally before and had no idea what to expect, but what a fantastic venue! We were in the great hall and having chosen the perfect spot off to the side, well and truly rocked the night away. If you’re reading this and you’ve never heard of Greta Van Fleet before, go check them out! They do rock like we’re in the 1970s, except the band members themselves were born 20 years on from when Led Zeppelin were taking the world by storm.

    And now I’m cream crackered. I’m full of butterflies, my shoulders hurt and my legs ache and my body is very clearly telling me to chill. Not sure I’ve even got the oompth to read my book. It’s a movie marathon and junk food kind of a Sunday and that’s okay. Not every day can be the best day ever, no matter what Instagram would have us believe.

  • An overthinker’s guide to to-doing

    An overthinker’s guide to to-doing

    I’ve said it many times and I’ll say it again, I absolutely love Sundays. Especially, on a slow morning like this one, when I’m still feeling cosy at 10am, curled up on the sofa in my PJs. 

    The life-admin to-do list keeps growing, but I had more time on my hands this week, with less travel scheduled in for work, and that helped heaps. I actually got through a fair amount of life stuff, as well as work stuff and when I looked over the list again yesterday morning, I was well chuffed. 

    It really helps me to have an ongoing to-do list on my phone. As an overthinker, I can find my mind drifting to things that need doing mid-conversation. (I imagine I must glaze over in these moments and the people that love me must just carry on chatting away, waiting for me to return to the present.) But having a list on my phone, allows me to let go of the mental list. Providing I remember to check the list whenever I have a spare moment, I feel more confident that things won’t be forgotten and less obsessed with keeping them front of mind. 

    A life admin to-do list can feel endless though and it’s easy to let the constant cycle of to-doing drive you crazy. I’ve been there – feeling burned out and exasperated because just one day off from washing up feels like a mahoosive failure. It’s not. We face enough deadlines at work, without putting pressure on ourselves in our personal life too. A wise person recently taught me about wants and shoulds and about the importance of balance. We have to make sure that we’re doing just as many things we want to do as things we feel like we should. Because if we keep up the balance, we’re more likely to tackle the things that need doing consistently.

    Off to tackle the next few bits and pieces on my to-do list now. Right after I’ve made just one more cup of tea.  

  • Post-birthday reflections: 28 years older and wiser-ish

    Post-birthday reflections: 28 years older and wiser-ish

    Curled up on the sofa wondering how it’s been a whole week since my birthday already.

    My anxiety didn’t impact negatively on the day at all. In fact, it was absolutely lovely. And of course it was. I woke up to cat cuddles and then spent the day surrounded by family, including Dave’s parents’ new puppy, Ollie. I couldn’t have asked for a lovelier day.

    And now here I am. I’m feelin’ 28!

    Now might be as good a time as any to bring you up to speed. Since Chapter Five ended, Dave and I have moved home again. We spent a fab 18 months living with our housemate, Tom, but when December 2020 came around and we’d been through the pandemic and out the other side, we felt like it was time to be just us again. We moved to Welwyn Garden City, where we think we may just buy a house in future, if we ever have the funds to get on the ladder. Unless circumstances change and we’re able to move back to our home town, which would be the dream.

    We’ve got cats now – their names are Willow and Mambo, they’re sisters and they are the absolute cutest.

    I’m still the same tea-loving, bookworm I was when this blog started. A cosy evening in is still my favourite thing, but I still love a good boogie with a cocktail in hand from time to time.

    Right now I’m fighting the urge to spend the next hour or so planning the next week out and instead, I’m trying to remember to pause and enjoy the lazy Sunday evening we’ve got planned. I’ve just started reading ‘Grown-ups’ by Marian Keyes and hope that will keep me occupied enough to keep my mind off the Monday fear. We’ve got a ‘fakeaway’ at the ready in the form of microwave curries and all the trimmings.

    Just three hectic working days this week until the bank holiday weekend! And I won’t be typing away Pimms in hand from a Jubilee themed street party this time next week. This time next week, I’ll be in sunny Italy! So watch this space for holiday snaps from Padua, Turin, Verona and Venice. How exciting!

  • Birthday Butterflies

    Birthday Butterflies

    I’m 28 tomorrow. I’d fully intended to draft an inspiring and upbeat birthday post to publish in celebration. I LOVE my birthday and I couldn’t wait to write about how far I’ve come since I was 18 and about my hopes and dreams for the years ahead. 

    Instead, I’ve hit a mental health blip. And I considered not writing – who wants to hear from a miserable, anxious Bronwen on the day before her birthday? Especially when I’ve literally just published a post telling you all how I’m a new more positive Bronwen nowadays. How can I call a chapter ‘Joyfully Overthinking’ only to write not-so joyfully a week later? But can I really call myself a personal blogger without blogging when it’s hard to? 

    It started yesterday. And the more I live life as a worrier, the more I realise it truly is hormonal. Mental health couldn’t be more physical. It’s like a switch flicked in my brain and life got harder almost immediately. I went from being nothing but excited about my birthday, to feeling like I wanted to call it off.

    I’ve been worrying about all of the little things – even more so than usual. Working yesterday was an uphill struggle. When I looked at the pile of laundry in our bedroom this morning I wanted to cry. In fact, just going out for dinner to celebrate my birthday eve tonight felt like too much a couple of hours ago. Let alone seeing family tomorrow.

    Except, even as I write this I’m getting there. It could be that for the last couple of hours I had my head in the final chapters of an amazing book. It could be that just writing is helping, as it always does.

    It could be that these things always pass. 

    It’s so hard to remember when you’re in the midst of it. Mental health swings are temporary. Anxiety comes in waves, it really does. And here’s hoping this wave is passing, because that roast dinner that is coming my way tomorrow will not taste anywhere near as good with a tummy full of butterflies. Bring it on 28 – Butterfly blips and all.

  • Overthinking is my superpower

    Overthinking is my superpower

    A wise person recently told me that I need to learn to love and embrace my butterflies. To feel the butterflies and decide to gratefully accept the reminder that I’m feeling anxious and gently look after myself, instead of trying to bat them away at the first sign of trouble. And I’m getting there.

    This blog was created by a Bronwen who I still feel so proud of, but who still had so much to learn. In the beginning, to me, Blogging Goodbye to Butterflies meant writing about my worries until the butterflies buggered off and left me well and truly alone. Now, I think it’s more about acknowledging I’m feeling anxious, taking a deep breath and writing, because writing helps me to feel calmer and more grounded. It’s a gentler, less resentful approach to the whole butterfly invasion. It’s like ‘hi little butterflies, thanks for reminding me to take time for myself. I’ll do that right now and I’ll see you again soon’

    I’m less resentful of the fact I’m an overthinker nowadays. In fact, I think overthinking might just be my superpower. You can bet in every situation I’ve thought over every possible outcome and am prepared for anything. I’m super open about how I’m feeling because the way I cope with overthinking my relationships is simply to pour my heart out to anyone involved and ask them if I’m going crazy. AND I’ve gotten proper good at reading a room – you can bet I’ve considered how every single person might be feeling and what they think of my outfit before anyone else has even made themselves comfortable. 

    It’s been a long time since Chapter Five. If you’re new here, hi. If you’re part of the old crowd, thanks for waiting. This time around I want to write about living with anxiety, not trying to overcome it. Welcome to a chapter titled ‘Joyfully Overthinking’ – written by me as the person I am now, still full of butterflies, but a little less resentful of them. Or trying to be.

  • The COVID-19 pandemic continues: Is it just me?

    The COVID-19 pandemic continues: Is it just me?

    Or have things just got that little bit harder?

    Honestly? I caught myself thinking really negatively when looking at myself in the mirror this morning and it was that which turned my thoughts to the idea of blogging again. I have seen a few social media posts dedicated to positive body image, but the majority of stuff I’m seeing online suggests that whilst in lockdown, I should be running and doing yoga and that my tummy should look better than ever right now.

    In fact, my tummy is growing, because of all the time spent indoors. I don’t think I’m eating particularly unhealthily, but I’m definitely not getting as much exercise as I usually would.  My skin is clearer, because I’m not wearing makeup and I’ve caught a bit of a tan from time spent out in the sunshine, but all I can see when I look in the mirror is my chunkier waist line and the rolls under my, now tighter, jeans.

    I refuse to feel sucky about it anymore and I hope if you’re reading this and empathising then you can start being a little less hard on yourself from here on in too. Yes, I really do want to try doing some yoga with Adrienne and some virtual workouts, but the truth of the matter is that, right now just getting to the supermarket feels like a challenge.

    (I told myself that I’d get our essential grocery shop done today, but not only do I feel terrified at the thought of facing the outside world, but my car won’t start either.)

    As well as working out, there are lots of things I need to do that I know for a fact would make me feel better: The bathroom needs a clean again, we have piles of clean clothes to put away, the whole house needs a good hoover. But I simply can’t seem to kick myself into action.

    On top of feeling bad about that, I wake up every morning in a panic about who I need to check in with. I realised this morning that I haven’t spoken to my brother or sister in ages now and that it is one of my best friend’s birthdays today, but that I haven’t spoken to him since this all started. I am so ridiculously grateful for all of my wonderful family and friends, but I’m finding it hard, because I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I’ve checked in with everyone enough.

    And then on top of all of that, I feel super guilty for feeling so down and being so lazy when I think of all of the brave key workers out there facing this whole situation head on, many of them separated from family and friends, without time to even consider yoga or hoovering.

    Writing my last post was so rewarding and I’m glad I decided to write again. This post has helped in a different kind of way. Here’s hoping someone in the same boat feels better for reading it too. Somehow writing it all out like that has left me finally feeling like today is doable.

    I’ll ask Dave to take me to the shop, but I still want to do it myself because conquering that fear can only be a good thing. And I’ll stop with the negativity. Hey! Maybe I’ll even put some clean clothes away.

  • Facing a global pandemic: I just don’t feel right

    Facing a global pandemic: I just don’t feel right

    This will be my third try at a blog post. I’ve been trying and failing to write over the last few weeks: I had this grand idea that I’d start writing daily throughout this global pandemic. I was going to call the chapter ‘A blog a day to keep the blues at bay‘. But every time I put pen to paper (or started typing, but that doesn’t sound anywhere near as romantic does it?) I was unhappy with what came out.

    I guess I wanted to try and write truthfully about how this time is making me feel, to get it off my own chest, but also in the hope that it might help someone somewhere to read that this time’s got us all feeling a bit out of sorts. If you’re feeling odd and mentally vulnerable, you’re not alone, I promise.

    But whenever I tried writing I found myself trying too hard to cover all bases: To reiterate that I know there are people who this pandemic is affecting in worse ways than I can even imagine and that I know how lucky I am. And I am lucky. I’m so grateful for this beautiful, safe house and garden and the fact I can work from home and that my work is so fulfilling and that I have amazing family and friends…

    I just don’t feel quite myself. My shoulders are constantly tense and my jaw too. I find myself sighing all the time and every day just feels like a bit of an uphill struggle. I’m trying so hard to be positive, but I just feel a bit down in the dumps.

    All this time indoors is giving me heaps of thinking time and on top of everything else, I’m missing an old version of myself. I keep thinking that a younger, ‘funner’ Bronwen would have done better in this situation.

    But I’m always looking back and always wanting to go back to being the person I was and today the penny has finally dropped: Looking backwards isn’t doing me any good…

    When I was at university, I missed the care-free girl I left behind in Chelmsford, who loved her high school boyfriend to pieces and spent all her time singing. Nowadays, I miss University me, who wrote fun blogs and could stay up late and was more up for a good time. I bet some day, I’ll miss this me. Whoever this me is. And I’ll kick myself for all the time I spent dwelling on how a previous version of myself would have handled things.

    I can try and tell myself that I used to be care-free all I want, but really I’ve always been a worrier.

    And so I guess it’s no wonder Covid-19 has got me feeling a bit iffy. If anything, I’d expect to be less calm than I am. I’m still getting up every day, showering, brushing my teeth and getting dressed. I’m still eating plenty and getting out for walks and staying in touch with family and friends.

    Let’s cut ourselves some slack during this time. It’s so hard when we’re constantly exposed to perfect images of how everyone else is handing things, but I for one need to remember that I’m doing okay doing what I’m doing. There is no right way to deal with a worldwide pandemic, we’re all figuring this out one day at a time. AND I’m just Bronwen. Not past Bronwen, not present Bronwen, not future Bronwen, just me. Still me… Just a little older and maybe actually a little wiser too?